i talk to myself -

in my head, of course,

and i go on hour-long (sometimes even longer)

monologues about

what i would say

to you or you or you

and then i rewind and

scrap it all, begin again.

perhaps it's something of a

norm, something of a

usual, general, typical, thing,

and maybe even my 'why's are

something of the norm, the

usual, general, typical, 'why' -

(except / but / though / etc.) it ea a a a a a a a ases the

anxiety within; me telling myself

exactly what i'd tell you

if i had the courage, or the words,

or the time, or the opportunity -

a place to be real and break it all d o w n

where no one else can see and no one else can

tell me how to pronounce caligraphic or catatatatatastrophe

and no one else can tell me that my words aren't good enough, or

that i'm being a bit too much 'me' (but would it mean anything to)

(know that i do it to myself in all of the places where you might tell me these things)

and it means something - it fulfils a 'dEsIrE' within me to tell you - to say to you

all the things i wish i really could (if i had the courage, the words, the time,)

(the opportunity), even if i never actually end up telling you how

much i'm really hurting or how much i really love you or why

i say or do or think the things i do, for some reason, it is

enough to tell myself the things i wish i could tell you

and keep them hidden inside (for my basement)

(tapes; the hype, twenty one pilots) myself

and then there's also the thing that i really like to pause.

like this.

(you heard me pause, didn't you?)

both in my head, in my

speech, and in my

writing -

i really like

pausing, see?

they took away my copy of Lolita

because ‘I don’t think that’s appropriate’

read the room, lady

nothing here is appropriate

or even relevant

we are all in the mad house

chewing holes in our cotton gowns

where there should be the soft touch

of something else going down

i had a girl once. pretty, with cinnamon eyes and freckles, hair that flew sleek like gull’s feathers in the wind. we walked hand-in-hand along the seashore and talked about getting married, buying a house on the ocean and swimming in the waves, raising a family here and taking pictures of tiny footprints in the sand.

she always did love the sea. it called to her, whispering of hidden cities and lost treasures, clamshells and silvery fish scales whirling into schools, sparkling like diamonds. she’d pick through the driftwood after summer storms, searching for seaweed and shark eggs.

there was a far-off look in her eyes that day, the day she told me i couldn’t give the world to her even though i’d always promised it. diamonds weren’t enough for her; she wanted pearls and rubies and gemstones only to be found in the deepest, darkest trenches of the world’s oceans. she wanted to swim, to be one of the fishes.

she never said goodbye. she merely smiled sadly at me and ran into the waves, diving beneath the crest and flying out of sight. i should have wrapped kelp around her waist like sea otters do their pups, to anchor her. but she was wild and full of unbridled wanderlust, dreaming of the big blue and all it could offer her. the sirens called to her from across the sea, their voices wily and dripping with impossible promises, and she was too enraptured to resist, disappearing beneath the foam. i called her name, but she never looked back.

Picture young lovers

Sitting on a pavement seat

Masked and booted

Joining heartbeats

Sure they are suited;

Teenage angst battling

Against official attempts

To keep them apart.

This is a moment

They don’t want to miss;

Someone loves them

And time’s slipping away.

So every few seconds

They feel more immune

The masks lift

And time and risk stop

For a meeting of lips.

you toy with your paintbrush of words

filling your canvas with the image that you perceive

painting me

with stormy, overcast clouds surrounding

painting me

with eyes hard and cold

painting me

my lips in a cruel form

you’ll never know

the true painting in my eyes

the clear, warm skies, a blush pink

my eyes gentle and admiring

my lips in the smile that only you can tease out of me

i wish you could see all that

and realise how much i love you

I constantly grieve for you

Oh, how I used to hate you

I once saw in the reflection

Someone looking to be adored--

Eyes polluted with sorrow, a gaze

So bleak that a mannequin looked more

real

How could you still feel?

Why did you still try?

Where the answer lies

Resides behind that doleful look

That opaque oasis that we call will

And you willed your way there--

To the state you're at now

I used to hate you, but

Now, I think I love you.

So, it has been a a while since my last history post, and a few days since my last post in general. So, recently, on “Prose” and elsewhere, I have been reading a lot about philosophy and religion. This has inspired my next history post, which deals with religion. Most people are unfamiliar with the Great (Western) Schism, but those who know about it probably only know its general essence. So, how did three popes come to rule at the same time? And, how did arguably the largest cause of the Protestant Reformation begin? I urge you to keep reading.

It actually started all the way back in 1303 C. E. The current English king at the time, King Philip IV (1268-1314), had much influence over France, and in particular, over northern French cities such as Hanovar, Saxony, and Avignon (cities from the Middle-Ages have the coolest names). King Philip IV wanted more money (as if that isn’t new), and thus, he decided to tax the French clergy members. However, Pope Boniface VIII (1294-1303), who was the current pope at the time, stepped in, claiming that the king could not tax members of the clergy without the pope’s consent.

If history shows us anything, it is that you do not want to argue with a leader in Medieval Europe unless you really, really have power to back it up. Well, the pope did not, and about halfway through 1303, King Philip had Pope Boniface captured and brought to the dungeons of England. The date on which this occurred is infamous: Friday the thirteenth (this is only one of many unfortunate events in history that occurred on this date, but this event was one of the earliest).

In England, Philip IV ordered Boniface VIII and other members of captured clergy to be tortured until they confessed to charges ranging from theft to homosexuality (both of which were punishable by death at the time). However, the pope was rescued a few weeks later by some Italian mercenaries. Unfortunately for him, though, he would die on October 11, 1303, due to complications from the torture.

With the old pope out of the way, Philip IV saw his chance to influence the Catholic Church to his will. The College of Cardinals, which is a group of Catholics that would meet after the death, deposition, or abdication of each pope to elect a new one from the members of the college, met in Avignon to elect a new pope. However, Philip IV pressured them to elect a French Pope: Pope Clement V (1264-1314). Pope Clement V agreed to make the Church pay taxes to the king of England, who was in this case the secular ruler. Unfortunately for Philip, however, he would die that same year, but the implications of his actions were not soon undone.

What followed were a series of elections and changes to the College of Cardinals that transformed it into a group of clerics that wanted the pope to remain in France and stay loyal to the king (in this case, the king of France, for some reason). The next pope was also a French one, Pope Clement VI (1291-1351) who also ruled from Avignon, and yet another one after him, Pope Gregory (I’m not sure which one - records tend to compromise each other).

After the death if Pope Gregory, the College of Cardinals met once again in Rome to elect a new pope. Their plan, as it had been for the last few decades, was to elect a pope who would be loyal to France and the nation’s economic interests. The citizens of Rome, however, were not happy about that, so they decided to pressure the college into conforming back to tradition. They threatened the College of Cardinals, affirming that they would not let them leave Rome until they elected a Roman or at least an Italian Pope. The college, for their own safety, elected Pope Urban VI (1318-1389) in 1378.

However, once the college returned back to Avignon, they declared the vote to be null and void, and elected the “actual” pope, Pope Clement VII, in that same year. (There was another, more-official Pope Clement VII later on, in the 1500s). So by 1378, there were two popes ruling at the same time, both claiming to be the true leaders of the Catholic Church. This began what was known as the Great Schism, formally known as the Great Western Schism (1378-1417). The College of Cardinals was not much of a help, either, as their members were also hotly divided over which pope to support.

With religion being such an important part of society as it was back then, Europe soon became divided. Nations such as France remained loyal to Avignon, and nations such as England, who had returned to tradition, remained loyal to Rome.

With the situation looking helpless, and really damaging the Catholic Church’s image, members from both sides of the College of Cardinals began to try to resolve the problem. This effort, known as the Conciliar Movement, would at first fail. The college declared that both of the current ruling popes were not official, and then elected Pope Alexander V (1339-1410) to be the “real” pope.

However, Pope Clement VII and Pope Urban VI both refused to step down, and Alexander V wouldn’t budge, so now there were - count em’ - three popes! The situation grew increasingly hopeless, until finally, authority of the Conciliar Movement went to Holy Roman Emperor Sigismund (1368-1437). The Holy Roman Emperor established an entirely new College of Cardinals, and together, they waited until the the current popes either died or were deposed, and then elected a new pope. In 1417, Cardinal Oddone Colonna was elected as Pope Martin V (1369-1431), thus and finally ending the Great (Western) Schism.

Whew! That was not even the first Great Schism, thus why it is officially termed as the Great Western Schism. However, the one I have just described is the more commonly-known one. So, what did this major event in history accomplish, aside from confusing pretty much all of Europe? Well, as I stated before, the Great Schism was likely the greatest cause for the Protestant Reformation, as it displayed the fact that, at that time, the Catholic Church had become more or less corrupt. In fact, other elements of it were riddled with scandals and acts of nepotism.

The Protestant Reformation, by the way, is by far one of my absolute favorite subjects in history to study. There were so many wars and clashes and battles and massacres that took place because these Europeans simply could not stop fighting about religion. But hey, I suppose that at that time, religion was possibly the greatest influence on society as a whole. I will get to that post eventually, but not today, as it will likely be the longest one I will ever write. If you made it to the end of this post, thank you so much for your patience and your interest. (And, yes, I did have to memorize all of this to pass my exams a few years ago).

#nonfiction #history

never forget

the words i once wrote to you:

a promise

and a secret;

the three words

meant only for your heart

and for you they shall stay,

i love you.