they took away my copy of Lolita

because ‘I don’t think that’s appropriate’

read the room, lady

nothing here is appropriate

or even relevant

we are all in the mad house

chewing holes in our cotton gowns

where there should be the soft touch

of something else going down

How

did

I

end

up

in

this

place

with

5

meals

a

day

and

people

who

watch

my

weight

and

machines

track

my

heart

rate

they

always

scrape

my

plate

got

to

get

every

last

calorie

time

moves

so

slowly

how

did

I

end

up

in

this

place?

My dad has cancer.

I'm starting my A levels.

I can't stop daydreaming.

I can't do my schoolwork.

Last time my closest friend asked me how I was doing I broke down and couldn't speak.

I keep procrastinating by answering challenges on this stupid website.

I can't analyse (English literature) for shit.

I don't have any motivation to continue with any of my longer length projects.

I can't get a proper full night's sleep.

I can't drink coffee because I know I'm going to get addicted to the stuff.

The only time I work is at half past midnight and that's not viable.

I picked hard content heavy A levels and it's only a month in and I'm falling apart.

I picked four damned A levels.

I hate physical contact yet I'm starting to like it.

I've got no idea what my gender is.

My sexuality is laughable, and my ideas on it keep shifting to the point where I just shove the label 'queer' on it, and have done with it.

I keep comparing everything to that which I'm learning in my psychology lessons.

I've got no idea how to email people.

Whenever the teachers ask me a question I keep stopping, because I know what I want to say but I can't articulate my thoughts.

My intrusive thoughts are crazy at the minute.

I'm trying to keep to a proper eating schedule because I had anorexia a while back and I don't want to go back to having that, whilst trying to eat less at each meal and not get fat.

I alternate between no energy and some energy.

I haven't had a week of school go by yet without a test (or multiple).

All of my friends are great at their subjects, and I'm here like what the fuck.

I'm trying to stop swearing but I keep slipping up.

I can't trust my mind to remember anything, so I have to write everything down.

I deal with everything through sarcasm.

The only reason I'm so optimistic is because I repress and deny everything.

I mean, I am trying to get past this. I've got app/website blockers on my phone and computer, and I'm trying to increase the amount of work I get done each day. And this year I'm trying to make revision notes from the start - not like my GCSEs, haha.

(But yeah, on the subject of intrusive thoughts it's nice being told to stab yourself by you every time you slip up. And people wonder why I'm not exactly sane.)

Why am I going to publish this? (It's full of stuff I would never tell anyone) Ah yes; I'm going to repress this bad decision.

Friends have left.

Under the bridge is my current residence.

Crying tears that could drown fish.

Keeping it together by only the fibers of life’s

Insufferable rope.

Nearing the end of time itself.

God only knows the pain held within my

Heart.

Every moment of silence I relish.

Littering the floor with pages filled of gore.

Leaving any comfort or warmth.

One month ago my boyfriend left me. He told me once he wanted to marry me - that he had never met anyone who makes him feel the way I do and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I told him I was too young and so was he but that I felt the same way and someday we would get married. And then he left. I guess he had a good reason - long distance is awful - but I wasnt ready to let go. Then he lead me on. Told me he wanted to get back together, that he still loved me, that he wanted to get married still. Then he took it back. He played me over and over again, guilting me into giving him space in my life that he told me he doesnt want anymore. Forcing me to cae when he told me he didnt.

My boss doesnt care about disabled people. Which, as a disabled person, is not ideal. I have to fight every day for her to care that our job and the things we organize have to be accessible. I’m 18 years old and day in and day out I am fighting with a grown ass woman about whether or not it matters that the students we teach who are physically disabled cant participate in movement Fridays.

I cant sleep. And it doesnt help that I cant for the life of me remember to take my meds. I go to sleep so late that when my alarm goes off in the moring I instnctively snooze my it and lose my window of oppurtunity to shower before work. I havent washed my hair in an obscenely long time and I feel disgusting but I just cant bring myself to do it.

Im just so fucking tired all the time. Emotionally. Physically. I am fucking exhausted and I dont know how to not be.

My mind swirls with negative thoughts

I feel unhappy and dead

When happy surrounds me

It comes crashing down

Dragging me further into the dark

I wish I could just be fine

But as the dark surrounds me

Filling my lungs and choking me out

A part of me wishes my temptress could come

And take me away

Even if I leave bound in chains

It would be better then the mental chains

The screaming insults growing louder

My confindence sinking lower

I collapse on the sofa,

Another long day of doctors is through.

Will the madness ever end?

It's been months now that I've been sick.

Can't sleep, can't walk, can't breathe, completely bound by the confines of these walls.

Why is my body failing me?

Time is no longer relevant.

The circle of life is now a circle of work and doctors, doctors and work.

Where is the finish line to this infuriating rat race?

They've run all the tests,

Yet sill no answers are offered.

How many more tests are left before they finally know?

My hope for a solution has run out,

My lust for life died with my hope.

What ever happened to that light at the end of the tunnel?

I think

and I think

and I think

and I forget to sleep

and I forget to care about

people

and

life.

and what do I think about?

how all humans are the villains Of the story.

We live in a world where we have no security in living. We have to look a certain way, act a certain way, behave a certain way, and then we're finally "perfect", but only not enough, because humans have endless want and needing for absolute perfection.

Because what are we, really?

We’re just animals, fuelled by hunger and greed, in a trap called society and “humanity”.

Anxiety

is

a

bitch

and

denial

is

its

companion.