When our worlds collide you are mine.

In that very moment

I am senseless

Until you leave me

I am in love with you

You hold my hand,

I can feel your pain

The hurt runs through you

Let me love you, as life can be cruel

You have my heart

I will love you forever

When you are with me I am yours,

You and I

We can fight the time

I have searched for you

At last we have found each other

You found me

My missing piece

My lost soul

My healer

I can't be without you again

You are all I see

Just accept my love.

Remember when I was small enough to curl on your lap? Summer evenings tucked in tight, my cotton nightdress pulled down over my knees. The Magical Faraway Tree as the backdrop to our scene. Do you remember? Can you still recall that pale and spindly little girl who handed you her dreams and fears as readily as the books she wanted read?

My earliest partner in crime. The hushed tones as we conspired in the kitchen, you handing over contraband, pre-dinner biscuits or sprinkling an extra large spoonful of sugar over my cornflakes with a knowing wink.

The way you lovingly sliced tiny pickled onions for my salad sandwiches, bowing down to a picky daughter's every whim.

Sledging. Well not so much sledging as dragging. You my sled pulling husky, pulling me up and down the driveway as I cheered with delight. You who never complained at my shrieks of again, again.

Your office. The smell of coffee, cigarettes and aftershave. The stationary cupboard; a free pass for me to help myself. Paper, pens, stamps and ink pads. And the fact that next door housed a toy shop that you would visit on my behalf.

All the cups of tea that you woke me up with. All the homework projects that you endured. All the times I let you down with my surly teenage behaviour and door slamming strops.

All the times you forgave me, laughing at my volatile youth.

Morecambe and Wise, The Two Ronnies and The Marx Brothers. I often found myself watching you and not the tv. The way you roared with laughter, your face lighting up like a beacon. And when you found something particularly funny your knees would rise up to meet your hands as you doubled over in your chair.

The ten pound notes you would secretly palm me. The worried look on your face as you would ask how I was doing for money. The letters you wrote on my behalf, getting me out of various financial scrapes, educating me to be better with cash.

Our evening phone calls and later, when you learned how, text messages. Sometimes perfunctory, often waffled ramblings but always signed off with 'dad' just in case I wasn't sure.

The look on your face when handed your first tiny granddaughter. The worry you felt in case you might not handle her as gently as she might deserve.

The relief when you retired. The endless pottering and odd-jobbing. Newspaper reading and crossword completing. Endless days of whatever you fancied. Peace. And quiet.

Stroke. Heart attack.

Coma.

The memory of you laying foetal. Tubes and monitors. DNR forms.

24hr monitoring. Doctors with quiet, sympathetic smiles.

Five months.

Recovery.

Almost.

There are bits of you missing. You rebuilt yourself but some of the pieces got lost along the way. You defied medicine but have no memory of doing so.

I will continue to remind you of all the things that make you who you are; who you were. As you descend further into your head I will be there, looking into your eyes, seeing you.

And when you no longer remember who I am, I will remember for the both of us.

Is it possible,

To find love through,

a screen and words?

Is it a blessing or would it be a curse?

Can you honestly know someone

without meeting face to face?

Will passion ignite if your both in a different place?

Is it simply intriguing,

something possibly deceiving?

When you merely read words,

Can hearts skip beats?

Isn't physical love what we

all tend to seek?

Can you feel them from afar,

Letting them know how important they are?

Can love bloom from soul to soul,

Or is it just lust

How is one to truly know?

Will you forever be alone in the dark,

When you have a bad day

and fall apart?

When you need their touch,

Are you forever left to yearn?

Can you get comfort from a screen?

Is finding love this way a nightmare or a dream?

Could it turn into ever lasting love or

Is it just a cat and mouse chase?

Does anyone ever end up meeting

Face to face?

For this moment your mine

Under dark skies my eyes locked on yours

Take your arms and hold me tight

Don't let go

We have the night

Till day breaks it's just you and I

Drifting away from our realities into a fantasy place for us

Away from all the rest

Out of sight from peering eyes

We run away from our physical existence

Into each others dreams

Our worlds

so different

yearning to be the same

Maybe one day.....

The first time I saw him I was nineteen. It was February and the snow which lay on the farm track was compacted and peppered with mud from the sheep being driven through.  

He was a shy but complicated twenty one year old. His dark brown eyes told me things his lips never could. In truth, I hadn't even noticed him the very first time, though he had seen me. My horse passed him on the narrow lane which led to the farmhouse but riding side saddle and talking with my companion, we walked by unaware. That night he made a sketch of me from memory; the charcoal crumbling under gentle pressure and staining his fingertips. He called me Tesoro, meaning treasure in Italian. I was the ruby in his crown, the most precious of all things. It would be days before we would finally stand before one another, naked and free to be whatever versions of ourselves we chose. He traced a finger across my jawline and down my neck, stopping at my collar bone as if he were smudging the charcoal lines of my body. When we kissed it was as though every cell of my being became his and his became mine. When we lay together, everything beyond our painting's edge disappeared and the universe became small enough to light with a candle. He was freedom. I was his island. 

My path in life was not my own to walk. I was not free to choose my company, not free to simply fall in love. Everything had a plan, nothing was left to chance. Except for him. He was pure, beautiful chance. 

A skipped heartbeat. A lifetime on pause in that one moment; everything suspended in the silence like a held breath. I miss you. Why have you not walked my path this time? How is it possible to reach the end of days without you? The memory of the stories we wrote together burning like the last embers of a fire, glowing hot yet beginning to fade. 

Flashes of something previous; a stolen look, the sound of ice cubes swirling in a whisky glass, the smell of the pavement on a hot day after rain has fallen.

Breath. Desire. Longing.

How did I find myself so far away from you? All those times we almost were. The lift door closing just a little too soon.  Theatre tickets booked for the wrong night. Not being in the mood for Italian food. Forgetting my umbrella and walking head down to work. And, most catastrophically, the 14:50 from Brighton delayed on a warm June day. Wait around or get the bus? How could I have known that the choice made would send us in different directions forever?

We tried to stop it. Tried to stay away. But our souls had become entangled, each speaking to the other in a language only we understand. I have let your storm in and it has weathered me. I am part of you. As the moon governs the sea so you pull me toward you. Not fully aware of the catastrophic beauty you create. 

As you walk away from this life remember the very essence of me. Take with you all the things that you recognise from before, so that you may find me again. The exact colour of my eyes, as if choosing from a paint chart. The smell of my hair and the way it feels against your face as you kiss my neck. The sound of my voice, most notably my laugh; you will pick it out in a crowded room above the chatter of dinner guests and accompanying music. The feel of my hands upon your shoulders and the warmth of my breath as I whisper into your ear. The taste of me. The many tastes of me.  Wine, perfume, sex. Take with you all the things you can so they may serve as a map that will lead you back to me. Remember it all in bright, beautiful colours and vivid hallucinations as you slip further from me and into the space between then and now.  

Stay strong in the knowledge there will always be a next time. 

Until then, just meet me in your dreams.

mimics sealed in skin,

evaporating into dirt and

returning as reminders

that pain was proven

during experiments of fate.

cigars of death, taken

in deep on days of drought

when our failures are counted

as victories for the spiteful.

antidotes of eternity,

stricken by our condition.

but our ailment will become

nobility when we sacrifice all

and agree in one accord,

that love is worth the plunge.

I sit,

much on my mind,

but really it's all behind the scenes,

for now ...

thank god anyway.

my mind needed to breathe,

I sit, not quiet, not loud ...

Burst of thoughts

here and there,

but none to capitalize on ...

A daily basis,

my mind is

a bad mixed tape

left on fuck'n repeat ........ .... ...... .....

Yeah,

I'm sure you haven't heard that before.

I had my head checked,

but,

what the hell do Doctors know ...

HaHaHa, What?

You want me to tell you my diagnoses ...

Maybe another time

Let me enjoy under my bridge

just for a little while longer.

Next step,

will be the dirt ...