We cried ourselves a hurricane

We laughed away the rain

We loved ourselves a sunny day

We drizzled out the pain

You're smile itself is a rainbow

When you frowned the blizzards came

You and I were a thunderstorm

That left as quickly as it came

You live, still, in my mind

Your tornado left debris

The love we made was volcanic

Even though the ash kept us hard to breathe

You loved me for a season

Our pressures were high and low

The monsoon that is you eased up

And took with it our hope

Now when I watch the weather

Im reminded all of you

Your beautiful fury caused a landslide for me

And now you're someone else's typhoon

Believe it or not im alive cause of you

But you're killing me just the same

What was I thinking when I said "I do"

And let you take over my name.

Things started rough and got even worse

Im a fool for thinking you'd change

Now I am trapped and you've got the key

And im pretty sure you've thrown it away

I thought this was love and gave you my all

While you looked out for only yourself

But its crystal clear that you hate me being here

And you just want to find someone else

You've beat me down and you've given up

Leaving me with the overbearing weight

Since I've gotten sick its been such a trick

Trying to tip toe around all your hate

Im sorry im dying this was not the plan

And I know im a burden right now

But you've been this way since the day that we met

So I'm stuck with a wife with a. Frown

Maybe ill die then ill be the hero

Cant speak ill of the dead

Although knowing you that may not be true

Knowing all the hurtful things youve said

I don't want to need you I want you to leave

But then how would I make it through

So you put me down for me being sick

And I get to stay alive with you

All is fair when it comes to love but this love feels more like a war

Its hostile and violent and make me feel useless

When I can't do it alone anymore

Berrate me berrate me make sure that you sleep good at night

While im lose my life and im losing my mind

Im losing my own will to fight

So boy am I trapped with a wife full of hate

And 2 beautiful kids you ignore

I should have never given you all those chances

And died by myself on the floor.

Oh but ill win you see I havr this plan

You'll find me one day, my dear wife

And the sight of me hanging on our bedroom closet

Will haunt you for all of your life.

"Im here for you" I told him as I put my arm around him. "I know the pain and I know the sorrow but I also know you will overcome this. This is just a set back" I told him as he sobbed.

This is my best friend. He knows I am gonna do all I can to help him through this.

I know he was excited to be a father and I know he is broken now, knowing that he is not the father of this child. I just need to be here for him. So we sat talking all night. Things started getting easier to talk about. Things were looking up. He will make it through this with time and God, I told myself.

By the morning, we we're laughing and talking about the past. About stealing his moms car when we were 10 and running it through fence after fence because we didn't know how to drive. We had finally packed all of his things leaving an empty house that he, just the day before, he shared with his fiance and expected child. Just like that it was all over for him. But he was in good hands. I was there to help pick up the pieces. He was coming to stay with me and begin a new chapter of his life. He seemed excited. Im sure he was still hurting but he was strong. Honestly, he was stronger than I've ever been in every situation. We both grew up in aggressive homes. He flourished. I fell into bad habits. We both grew up with belligerent fathers. I turned to drinking but he never touched it. If anyone could do this it was Paul. Oddly enough we even shared that name. It was a middle name for me but a first name for him. We were destined to be best friends. It was clear from the start.

As he loaded up the last few boxes into my pickup I decided to call my wife and let her know we would be home soon and that he seemed to be ok. My wife, bless her heart, was all for taking him in and helping him. After all he had always been there for me. As I hung up, I hopped out the truck to go help with the last of his things.

Then I heard it. I felt it in my chest. I knew exactly what it was. My heart sank.

I couldn't bring myself to even step inside. I screamed for him.

"Paul!!"

"Paul, please answer me!!"

No answer.

Repeated calls for him echoed in the now empty home.

As I stepped in to find him i could smell the iron that now filled the home. The gunpowder was still so pungent it almost overpowered the smell of the blood.

"God, no!" I screamed as I saw his motionless legs hanging out of the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. I don't even remember calling for help. I just remember them asking if he was breathing but I couldn't bring myself to go in there. I dropped the phone with the dispatcher still on the line. I fell to my knees and prayed that i was wrong. That he hadn't done what I was thinking. Then I heard a slow gasp coming from the bathroom. A short wheezy gasp that let me know that no mAtter what has happened he needed me now more than ever.

I pulled myself together and ran towards my best friend.

There he laid, pistol in his mouth. Gasping for his last few breaths.

As i sat there with him waiting for help i prayed over him. I prayed about him. I asked the Lord to forgive him one last time. As I was holding his hand I felt him squeeze and saw him force out the last smile he would ever make. I knew he was at peace unfortunately. I knew his actions were a mistake and I knew he knew I was there to help him be forgiven. When the ambulance arrived it was over. He had already been saved. Maybe not in the sense they saw but I knew it.

It took a lot for me to get over that. It took a lot for me to pray again. It took even more for me try to accept it. One thing I did accept was that this is what he wanted. This was his way to.end the suffering. Who am I to judge. So I fought for him. Every chance I could. I changed my name so that there would only be one "Paul". And i told his mother every chance I could how he accepted God in his last moments. He wasn't alone. He wasn't afraid. He died at peace. And no one can take that from him. Ever.

All my days have been so blue

Ive been waiting on another you

I Guess I was just a lucky fool

When it was just us two

Room service and a heated pool

The flashing lights from the carnival

That ocean breeze was kind of cool

And it was just us two

Mmmmm mmm mmm

Me and you

I was a lucky fool.

Now I see I wasn't there for you

You needed me

But I had other things to do

I never noticed

What all I put you through

When was just us two

I was a lucky fool

Since you've left I can see

Every part of you

And all the things

That I refused to do

I thought it always would be me and you

Mmmmm mmm mmmm

Me and you

Guess I never knew

How I was a lucky fool

Now I can't even hum a tune

Without thinking of our living room

How we would grab a guitar or two

Oh how beautiful

And it was just us two

Me and you

Mmmmm mmm mmmm

I was a lucky fool

Its been a month and a half and things still haven't calmed. If anything they're worse. And it's killing me. Its unleashing demons I've fought before. Though I won the last time I've noticed the increased aggression and physical toll it takes on me. I won't be as successful one day. That day will be my last.

My life is one that movies could not capture. The horrible things I've been through and the horrible things I obsess over show through the gray in my once blue, vibrant eyes. I lost my soul a long time ago. Through the windshield of a car I should have never been in. Coming back from a light I never should have ran from. That was my chance. Since then I've experienced things no one could imagine. Ive been stricken with disease which restricts my mobility more each day. Pain that never ceases and sleep that never comes. The treatments require money. The money requires working. Working is impossible. I watch my two children grow up more each day. Soon they won't be able to forget me. Then I am trapped. They are the reason I stick around and fight and the reason I want to go. They don't need to lose their innocence watching their father suffer and die a slow death. My brain conjures images of my brutal and vivid end. Its playing on loop every moment im not distracted. Dreams of running in traffic and nightmares of surviving. Visions of wrists running dry in the bathtub. The sound of the belt stretching as I slide down the closet door. Then the ultimate sadness when I wake up. Suffering still. No chance at heaven; no soul to save. I missed my chance. Still I'm

, a soldier and I follow my path. I try to make this world a little better when I leave it. So, of course, when my father needed a place to stay I was there... But maybe I shouldn't have been. You see, about 4 months ago my father was stricken homeless along with his fiance. I found this odd and completely out of character but didn't question it. I invited them into my home with no room for my tribe as it was. 2 small children and a wife can fill up a house. Air mattress in the living room it is. My dad will learn to love it. Still not able to work I watch and worry as we get farther behind. I sell all I can to help make amends. But, eventually, there were no more. The two houseguests were struggling as well so no need to bother them with my woes. Right? And then it happened. Everything took a turn and I never saw it coming. It still hasn't ended and I know not what to do. You can be a soldier and battle for good but, I've found out, you sometimes also have to battle for evil to be that same soldier. To be that same follower. To uphold that same faith. I woke up a few weeks ago to find my father having a stroke. Strangely, I knew how to handle it. I understood the symptoms and relayed the urgency to the dispatch. We were able to save him after a 4 hour brain surgery. With no money we were figuring out how to make our home equipped. Due to me already limited mobility there was not much to change. I spent what money I did not have to get out home ready for my dad, the survivor! But, boy, was I way off. We discovered an addiction that triggered this stroke. An addiction I completely missed. How?? Along with this addiction came truths to come out that would forever make me regret being there to save my fathers life. What kind of person am I? How terrible. This thought makes my demons stir and take over. What kind of son am I? After all, there are only 2 of us. Me and my little brother. My bro is severely autistic and is the most loving and happy person I've had the pleasure of knowing. Most people saw my brother as handicapped but I saw him as a priveledge. The light this family needed. At least, he was. Now he is violent and depressed; a familiar pattern amongst us. He can't stand to see his father, our father, left like this. Did I do the right thing? I unearthed after the stroke which came from an overdose many things I wish I hadn't. I found out my father and his fiance were not only addicts but dealers. I found hundreds of dollars of dope lying carelessly on my children's bookshelf in the living room of my house. Which was also the area that I let them call home. I went through everything only to find uncapped syringes and burned spoons tucked away all throughout the very room where my family gathers daily. I lost all respect and love right then. I could not even grieve the brain damaged father for worrying about my children being safe in there home. I immediately sent the fiance packing. She can go be homeless. I got enough going on. And by the time we brought my dad home 3 weeks later he is able walk a little and understand most things. He cannot speak. He will never live on his own again. But he is alive. Or is he? Ive mentioned my disability and my mental health but my father has ignored it since I was diagnosed. Now that he is in a condition Im having to care for him. But all he cares about it the dope. And his fiance that brought the dope around in the first place. I am having to keep tabs on him and drive all over town to find him when he "disappears". My little brother gets more depressed and I get angrier. He doesn't deserve this. Did my father miss his chance too? My eyes have grown more gray as my life and fight fades. What kind of person am I? Did I do the right thing or did I intervene in my father's chance at redemption? Did I save his life or take it? Every day since I have seen small improvements with my fathers speech. Always about his fiance. Or asking for my money that I don't have. I can't keep this up. I know that. I'm perfectly fine deciding my own fate. Am I perfectly fine to decide others as well? Do I end suffering for myself or end it for us all? Who am I? Did my passed battles just prepare me to fight? Or show me how to lose? Or would it be winning? Who am I?

Granny never expected for my grandpaw to die as soon as he did.

She couldn't write and she couldn't read and had to struggle to feed 8 kids

But she wore a smile and did what she could trying to keep those kids on track

And when they went to bed she went and set on Papaws swing out back

She would sit there sometimes a'll night long

and hum herself a couple of his favorite songs

Aint That some kind of strong.

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she's a whole nother level of strong

After another few years I could see the fear my mama kept brushing off

I was getting on the bus making a fuss said I just wanna stay home

It had been me and her that's all that we knew and how it's been all along

Then she took my hand and helped me up the steps and like that her boy was gone

She watched the bus stirring up dust as it took me off on my own

Man. Aint that some kind of strong

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she's a whole nother level of strong

Later in life when it was me and my wife and we were waiting on our first child

I was a mess but she was the best at calming me down every time

Then the time came and I saw the pain that the miracle of giving birth is

But instead of complaining she couldn't wait to tell me it was all worth it

She was just as nervous all along

But She always made sure I never caught on

Aint that some type of strong.

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she's a whole nother level of strong

Yeah a whole nother level of strong

Granny never expected for my grandpaw to die as soon as he did.

She couldn’t write and she couldn’t read and had to struggle to feed 8 kids

But she wore a smile and did what she could trying to keep those kids on track

And when they went to bed she went and set on Papaws swing out back

She would sit there sometimes a’ll night long

and hum herself a couple of his favorite songs

Aint That some kind of strong.

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she’s a whole nother level of strong

After another few years I could see the fear my mama kept brushing off

I was getting on the bus making a fuss said I just wanna stay home

It had been me and her that’s all that we knew and how it’s been all along

Then she took my hand and helped me up the steps and like that her boy was gone

She watched the bus stirring up dust as it took me off on my own

Man. Aint that some kind of strong

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she’s a whole nother level of strong

Later in life when it was me and my wife and we were waiting on our first child

I was a mess but she was the best at calming me down every time

Then the time came and I saw the pain that the miracle of giving birth is

But instead of complaining she couldn’t wait to tell me it was all worth it

She was just as nervous all along

But She always made sure I never caught on

Aint that some type of strong.

Stronger than I could ever be

Stronger than ive ever seen

She was always there so that she could take care of everyone and everything

She would do whatever she could to be there to help

Even if it meant going without for herself

Every one better leave that woman alone

Cause she’s a whole nother level of strong

Yeah a whole nother level of strong

How did I end up here? Broken and rotten

I watched it just all slip away

I once was an Oak who stood alone

With no way to re-grow the breaks

I took it for granted, my might and my worth

so excuses I can’t seem to make

I once was the Oak who stood alone

One the wind could not even shake.

I knew I would grow big and knew I would grow strong!

I was the reason the Gods sent the rain!

I once was an Oak who stood alone

but now Im just compost in pain.

My leaves have all fallen; my braches have broken

Ive lost all my fortune and fame

I once was an Oak who stood alone

But now Im a log full of shame

I hadn’t expected that I would uproot

I thought I’d be the last one to stand

I once was an Oak who stood alone

But now I’m just mulch for the land

OH, Mighty, OH, Mighty! OH, I was the king

But the mighty fell out of my name.

I once was an Oak who stood alone

til I fell before the end of my reign

So, be thankful for sunshine and stand tall every day

Be proud; try not to complain

Because one day you might be that Oak that has fallen

and end up just a log full of shame.

Im just sitting here

Thinking about the way it used to be

Thinking about the way it outta be

We were young and wild and free.

So im just sitting here

Thinking bout the way it was when it was just the two of us

We had the perfect love

Then we drifted apart and that's okay

Another dollar another day

She left me with my clothes, my dog and this busted old hand me down chair.

And im just sitting here.

Im just sitting here

Taking in the warm sunshine

Just trying to pass the time

And get you off my mind

So im just sitting here

Watching the clouds roll by

Like a painting in the sky

For a little while

Then they drifted apart and that's okay

Another dollar another day

Aint nothing like taking a sweet breath of that fresh country morning air.

So im just sitting here.

I let you go

But I want you to know

That im not going nowhere

As long as your near

Ill be right here

In this busted old hand me down chair

Now im just sitting here

Thinking bout how it all came along

Loved one have come and gone

Still I stayed strong

So im just sitting here

Grateful for who I am

I wouldn't trade to be another man

I guess God really had a plan.

You've got to let things go there own way.

Another dollar another day

I've lived a life of sin but fight temptation with another late night prayer

While

im just sitting here

I've lived a life of sin but fight temptation with another late night prayer.

And im still sitting here.

Yeah im still sitting here.