Breath in. You are okay. You are worthy. Not Because of anything you have done, not because of anything you are, but because you are alive. But because you are living.

Breathe out. Reaching, grasping, clinging towards connection, towards external validation. Your world is falling apart, you are alone. You are nothing unless someone or something tells you otherwise.

Breathe in. The present moment has all you need. Just take one more step. Experience is the fertilizer in the field of growth and maturity. And sometimes experiences smell like shit. Who are you? Wrong question. What does this moment have for you? Everything you need if you pay attention.

Breath out. You are weak, you are childish, you will never measure up. What you seek can’t be found. To your past you are bound.

Breathe in. You are enough. So what if you are childish? Venture on with fearless abandon and a curious heart. What you seek, you always had. Those chains you carry are only bound because you allow them to be. So Let go.

Breathe out. The pain is too much. The hurt too deep. You can’t make it on your own. You are too fragile. Escape this. It is okay. Nobody will miss you. You have failed yourself. You have failed those around you. The journey is too tiresome. And a journey not enjoyed is not worth taking.

Breathe in. Your life is no journey with a destination to arrive. Your life is a song. A gorgeous composition that the universe cries out at. Give it the encore it desires. For every great crescendo, there precedes a mighty decrescendo. Just as this life shapes you, so too do you shape the world.

Breathe out. Love is torment. Love is loss. Love is a stream of endless vulnerability. Of endless betrayal. Protect yourself. Hide. Never. Ever. Dare to be seen.

Breathe in. Love can be torment. Love can be peace. Love can mean loss. Love can be freeing. Love is an endless stream of vulnerability, with occasional betrayal. Love is forgiveness. Love is without bounds. Love yourself enough that there is no need for protection. Open yourself to what your unique life and your unique story has to offer.

Hold nothing back.

Breathe out worry.

Breathe in the Peace.

My name is Harper and in six months I am going to die.

I know this because I paid for the privilege. You can do testing for anything nowadays, and apparently your expiration date is one of them.

I had money to spare, I was bored, and yes, I foolishly thought the test would tell me some distant faraway age like eighty-two or maybe even one hundred and two. When I found out my expiry date was in six months, I began to have a really, really bad case of buyer’s remorse.

I went through quite a lengthy denial period, where I thought I could go through the rest of my life pretending that if I just do things exactly the same way and not change anything I would conveniently forget and everything would be fine and dandy. (This was by far my favorite coping mechanism. But it didn’t last. Eventually my anxiety bubbled up and exploded like a shaken champagne bottle.)

Next came an obsessive, defiant, planning phase. Everyday I would think of elaborate plans to avoid death like I could somehow scheme my way out of it. I mean, theoretically, it seems doable. Plane crash? Don’t go on a plane. Car accident? Just stay home all week. Heck, heart attack? Pop three baby aspirins and hang out in the hospital lobby, right next to the crash cart ready to wave a big sign that says “I’m having a heart attack.” Unfortunately the test didn’t provide the cause of death, just the exact time, so I couldn’t really plan in specifics.

Eventually all the planning became incredibly exhausting and I settled into a kind of defeated acceptance. My plan was still not to actively put myself in a situation where I could die, I was not quite ready to submit to my annihilation, but if I somehow still find myself in that situation anyway, I figured I should really work on trying to be okay with that.

So then I commenced on a hedonistic three months where I blew half of my life savings and did literally anything I could think of. I ziplined through the forests of Peru, skydived over the French countryside, drank the best wines and indulged in rich Italian food, snorkeled off the shores of Bali, shopped with abandon while perusing the streets of Tokyo, London, Dubai…

You get the idea.

The most pathetic part of this whole thing was that I didn’t have a family to spend my last few days with. Or close friends, really. My impending death would not be filled with earnest mourning and last minute tearful proclamations of love and reminiscing. Oh sure, my funeral would be packed, but nobody would miss me, not really. As an orphaned twenty-two year old who inherited too much money at an early age, not only was I kind of an entitled asshole, I also haven’t really lived yet. I haven’t fallen in love or had kids, wrote that great American novel, won a Pulitzer, or experienced any of that syrupy sweet stuff life is supposedly made of.

Anyway, that’s why I’m hanging out in the hospice ward.

My friend here is Lucas. He is twenty-nine and has end stage heart failure from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. He described it as his heart being too big - literally but I suspect it's also an accurate description of him figuratively. I befriended him five months ago when I found out I was going to die. And no, surprisingly, he does not have any wisdom to impart about acceptance and healing and the meaning of life. He is very not okay with his young, awesome life being cut short, thank you very much.

He did have some useful information for me though.

“It’s quite experimental.” Lucas warned in an ominous tone.

“Obviously.”

“They usually only accept terminal patients… you know, because of the ethical issues.” He eyed me warily. “But in your case, they made an exception.”

He was adorable. He said that last line like a late night infomercial. Or maybe a used car salesman.

“This is not some elaborate black market scam to harvest my organs, is it?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “I mean, no offense, but you look like you could use a new heart.”

Lucas had to grab his oxygen mask after laughing so hard at that one. The nurse at the station gave me a dirty look.

After Lucas recovered he looked me in the eye. “How much do you have left?”

“Time? Or money?” I joked. The look on his face was not amused. I cleared my throat. “One month. And as you know, money is not an object.”

“Well, one month can give you… at least eighty years in virtual time. So pretty much a whole lifetime, if you decide on it.” Lucas shrugged. “Once you jack in though, there’s no going back. Your clock will end as scheduled and that’s the only way out. Also, it’s totally immersive, so you won’t even know you’re in virtual. It will be like… you’re in a dream but you don’t know you’re in a dream.”

“So I would really believe everything was real? Like I would grow up to be ninety years old and I would actually think I lived all those years even though really it will only be one month?”

“Mostly, yes.”

“How many of the other people will be real?”

“Most will be computer generated. You might meet some real ones, if they are in the same time dilation settings as you. There are very few people with the resources for a whole month, you know. Most people can only afford one day.”

“So there’s a chance that I will marry a program?” I furrowed my brows. “And then if we have kids, they will also be programs?”

Lucas cocked an eyebrow. “There’s a high chance, statistically. Like I said, there’s only a few real participants at any given time. Not that it would matter to you, you won’t know the difference.”

I thought about this. Would it really bother me if I didn’t know? I bet my computer generated kids would be adorable.

His expression suddenly turned serious. “There’s something else. It’s rare, but there are a few cases of people noticing little things not quite right and they become increasingly convinced they’re in a simulation. Which of course is true, but when you’re jacked in and you’re not completely sure if you’re crazy or just being paranoid, it can be terrifying. They call it Simulation Induced Paranoia, or SIP.” He paused. “Participants become really…. distressed.”

I chewed on this for a second. “I still want to do it.”

He looked surprised. “Really?”

“I really don’t have anything to lose.” I replied nonchalantly, like I just decided on a dinner entree. I should probably be alarmed that I was acting so cavalier. Lucas wasn’t exactly giving a stellar sales pitch. Then again, it was true, I really had nothing left to lose. I’ve done what I could with my twenty-two years. Might as well have another lifetime to try again.

Lucas stared at me for a moment then sighed. “That’s the thing. The longer you’re in virtual, the higher the chance you might experience SIP. Remember, Harper, a month is a lifetime. The chances are very low of course - less than 1%, the virtual worlds are very meticulously programmed after all. But if you experience SIP, there’s no cure, no safe word, you’re stuck until your clock runs out.”

“I already decided.” I said resolutely. Once I’ve made up my mind on something I was usually unshakable. It was one of my many flaws. “In fact, let’s do it tonight. I want to get my whole lifetime, not a year less.”

—

Everything was too bright, the sounds too loud. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. Jacking in was a very jarring process, it felt as if all my neurons were firing up all at once. Somehow I felt tremendous pain and the heights of delirious ecstasy simultaneously. Like I was feeling every possible thing all at the same time. There was a terrifying moment when everything went black, and for what felt like an eternity but was probably only a few seconds, I truly wholeheartedly believed I was actively dying.

Maybe I was supposed to die on the table during the procedure. Or maybe I really did unwittingly offer to have my organs harvested for the black market. Damn it, I probably caused my own death in my extreme efforts to avoid it...

I blinked twice. The room slowly came into focus.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” A familiar voice.

It was Lucas. But also, it was not Lucas. He did not have his portable oxygen tank close by. His lips did not have their usual bluish tint. He looked… healthy.

Everything came back to me at once.

“Oh shit, Lucas. That was nuts.” I shook my head, clearing the cobwebs. “That felt too real. I really felt like I was in there for twenty-two years.” I checked my watch. I’ve only been in Virtual for twenty-two minutes.

He chuckled, swiveling back and forth on the expensive office chair I bought him for Christmas last year. My boyfriend never could sit still. “You’re a champ, Harper, you were the one who wanted to push the time dilation to a year per minute. I was worried pushing it that far would compromise the world building, but your mind was amazing at meeting the program halfway to fill in the gaps. You made yourself a rich orphan, really? Money is no object? Hah!”

I disconnected my neurojack from the surgically implanted access port behind my right ear. That rich orphan stuff was my subconscious free at the wheel. I didn’t intentionally decide on it. I turned back to Lucas. “Why did you add all that stuff about Virtual in there, and SIP? Don’t you think that was a little too… meta?”

Lucas suddenly broke into that grin that melted my heart so many years ago when we met during undergrad at MIT. “Well, since you wanted to put the expiry dates into the program so people would know how much time they had left, I thought, what the heck, why not make it interesting? Why not make a virtual game in Virtual?”

I was not amused. Lucas had a penchant for bloated code and unnecessary side doors. Also, for not telling me about an adjustment until after he has done it. “That’s messed up. You should have run that by me. The expiry date was a suggestion from the beta testers and we all agreed on it. We didn’t agree on putting the game into the Virtual Universe as a side door..” I paused. “Also, what if I didn’t jack in? I would have died in a car accident or something?”

Lucas turned back to his computer and typed a few lines of code. “I had carbon monoxide poisoning ready to go, but I was prepared to improvise. And anyway, I didn’t actually think you would gravitate towards the game during the beta test, I just put it in there as an Easter egg of sorts. I figured most clients would only think about jacking in when they were close to their expiry dates, if they do at all. But on second thought, maybe I should take it out of the programming, it’s too much work to keep up.”

I jumped off the table and stretched my legs. My entire body felt stiff like I haven’t used it for months. “Yea, take it out. You’ll have enough work as it is when we start accepting our first commercial clients next week. We have four people scheduled on our first day which I already think is too much.”

“We’ll be fine.” Lucas was now typing more purposefully. “That reminds me, I need to finish debugging this before Monday. Do you mind picking up dinner?”

“Sure.. from that new Thai place again?”

“Sounds good.”

I smiled as I gave Lucas a quick peck on the cheek before I grabbed my purse to pick up the take out. Everything was going well for our start up. It was hard to believe that only two years ago Lucas and I were broke PhD dropouts who took a leap of faith building Virtual from our one bedroom Boston apartment. And now… well, let’s just say our first official month in business is projected to generate six figures in profits even after subtracting overhead. Mid six figures. And as soon as we open up our second and third facilities the growth would be exponential.

To top it all off, I was pretty sure Lucas was planning on proposing to me next week on my birthday. I saw a charge from some jewelry company on his credit card statement while I was doing some filing last month. Judging from the amount, it could only be an engagement ring. Lucas never would have spent that much on a piece of jewelry otherwise.

I sauntered out of the elevator from our high rise office with a pep in my step. The weather outside was just the right amount of sunny. Even the Boston air didn’t feel as suffocatingly polluted. Yes, everything was going well. Perfect, even. I eyed a meticulously trimmed bush suspiciously as I walked by. Maybe too perfect.

I felt a sudden stab of panic. The smile dissipated from my face.

Oh no.

for hurting you the way i did.

i was young, just a kid.

if i would of known then, what i know now.

i would of stayed, i would of been tolerant anyhow.

you wouldnt of been pained, all these years.

decades later, i am still in tears.

Perceived linear reality,

A mere example of our human condition.

Our experience,

But a sliver,

Of an entirety we fail to see.

But broaden,

The views,

Of your instinctual tunnel vision,

For all things are ever changing,

And will go back eventually.

The only capable witness,

A fragile fragment,

That curves and bends,

But pieced together one by one,

Forms a circle that refuses to mend.

The simple symmetry that symbolizes resilience,

And the cadence that echoes through life,

Is that all things hang in a balance,

With the other influential pieces of life.

So trust the journey,

Enjoy the ride,

And leave the dismay of death.

And trust the circle,

The connections,

The change,

And in your smallness you’ll find another breath.

Indulge in a Skinny Spiked Lemonade Margarita

Ingredients (4 servings)

1/2 c. fresh lemon juice, ~4 lemons

1.5 c. filtered water

2 Tbsp brown sugar, or 4 Tbsp raw sugar

6 oz. (3/4 c.) tequila

sliced lemon, garnish

Instructions

Juice the lemons over a strainer to collect the seeds and pulp. (I used a 4 cup measuring cup to prepare, it worked great.)

Add the sugar and water to lemon juice, mix well, the sugar may take a minute to dissolve, just mix every so often.

Add the tequila, stir well to combine.

Serve in a small glass filled with ice. Garnish with lemon slices.

Enjoy!

Open your mouth.

Tell everyone how you feel.

The good, the bad, the everything.

Be honest...with yourself and them.

You have been so quiet, so long.

Even if they are hurt, feel rejected.

You told them.

You opened your mouth.

You didn't hold it in.

Why cant you love me, you are all that I know.

Why don't you love me when I love you so.

Why cant you be with me forever, why must you go.

Why don't you learn to be with me or is that a definite NO.

Why cant you come over, I will treat you right.

Why don't you stay over, stay all night.

Then in the morning you can decide, if you prefer to be mine or go run and hide.

Maybe I'm crazy for still wanting you, after you tell me there is no love and feel nothing inside. 

Why cant you run away with me, come take me for a spin.

Why don't you come hither to me, come within.

Let me hypnotize you with my beauty, let me put you under my spell.

For once you savor my touch, you will never rebel.

 If you don't want me then, you can go to hell.

i.

past over

your lips

form mumbles

i cannot read aloud.

ii.

i'm waiting

for breaking

as my eyes

melt into your hands.

iii.

calling inside

the lines find

live and well and

burning with desire for someone else.

iv.

i caught a tune

on the television

reminded me of

your hold in winter.

v.

if it never comes close

it never does

it's dead and

the x is empty now.

vi.

i've got turning to do

ahead of me

the splits in my head

the splits in between.

vii.

this resembles

the burnt of fall

extra olives in martinis

and the dizzy got the best of us.

Her eyes you ask? Well, once I got close enough to get a good look. My heart was pounding and my legs shook, It's that surreal moment when you're both staring into each other's eyes. You know, they know, you both know what happens next. It was slow in motion. There wasn't music playing; however, for some reason when I think back I hear "I Can't Help Falling in Love," the Haley Reinhart version. Anyways, her pupils sucked me in like black holes. Her hazel irises are colorful galaxies except better. As I stare, I see meteors colliding and stars gazing back at us in jealousy. Never realizing that her eyes were reflecting what was happening around us. When our lips touched the the planets, including earth, itself started to turn to dust. Almost like an hourglass but the grains of sand just vanished. Finally, it took us by surprised when the very ground below us disappeared. That's how you fall in love. And if you're lucky, you never land.