allows no separation.
gotta hold you
to my breastplate
so our hearts can learn to beat the same.
we’re going to make the same mistakes-
i’ll hate who you become,
despise the reminder of self.
you should call me murder,
mother is for women who love their daughters.
you asked me once
you asked me once what dope took from me,
and the answer is
it took you.
a lover of beauty, you say,
as i blush beneath the sheets
that held your scent long after you left.
today the song and dance
you made of my words
have turned to war chants
bending grooves in the spaces
created between us.
the smoke chokes the love,
unwraps the arms from around me,
drops the safety net
for my jump
and ties you up in shackles.
it’s no longer me you can’t live without.
you asked me once what dope took from me
it took so many damn things-
my life, my brain, my health,
and it took,
it took you.
if only i could
if i could get you back
if i could somehow jog the memory,
reignite the flame
that was supposed to never die.
if i could re-strengthen the fire,
the one that is supposed to
eternally pull us closer still
until one again.
if i could make math redetermine
the values of
two halves, yet two souls
and somehow make them one.
if i could have you back,
i guess i would give anything for that,
because it hurts to see you so close
and yet feel so very far from your heart.
i feel misplaced,
i have screamed all i can,
spoken eloquent words,
replayed our favorite tunes,
laid it out for you in tears,
and nothing brings you anywhere near
to back to me as you were.
nothing stands a chance
against the white throned.
i always believed there was one love
meant to be for everyone,
there was one path to eternity.
but that was before
you showed me that
love has forks
and you could actually be undecided on
which one to travel,
before you told me that they may sometimes run parallel,
they will always part,
and i will always have the lower end.
because i just lost that spark,
and you just closed your eyes
on the brightest light born,
and opened them in another direction.
you found something else
to light your way,
another map to explore.
i just wish that i could bring you back.
if only i could.
you don’t think?
you don’t think i’ve got enough tribulations?
too much negative energy
hanging onto my skin.
you don’t think i have enough empty,
enough broken (promises)
under my skin?
you don’t think the hurt is deep enough?
thought i needed to try to survive a tidal
while dodging bullets
and trying to talk to angels
because it’s all i have left.
do you think i have enough lonely?
you’re going to take away you too?
pull yourself through my pores,
until you are standing on your own,
then knock my feet out from under me.
knees buckling and i am too weak
for swimming in these rapids.
i am the only one.
i have no one.
nothing can possibly understand me.
nobody can feel this loneliness.
but i thought you cared enough
to make the ride thru this hell with me.
instead i’m burning in your deception,
i am smoke in mirrors
as your lies try to fold me up
so i won’t see
all the ways you have
moved away from me.
because i don’t have enough,
let’s multiply this pain,
divide the happiness left,
subtract the light
and add more emptiness
to this shell of a girl.
this is how you left me here.
this is how i am.
but i guess,
if i think about it-
even in the brightest dreams i have
still, we did part.
my only nightmare
we have subtle lenses
attached to complex visions.
they call it creativity.
i call me falling off
or swimming in,
guess its a perception thing.
i think at least if i were only drowning,
i'd only have five more minutes of
living like this.
i am still breathing
and i can be falling forever.
at least thats how it seems.
my mind made up is
always different than
the norm or
the rest of the breathing world.
and i don't care if they do.
leave it to them.
i can't worry about
i have too many damn ledges
to avoid catching,
to avoid becoming
just another anybody
like the rest of you sheep in society.
my eyes will stay
fuck you for loving me
and wanting me
and trying to
me back to safety.
i don't want to be
in someone elses
that is my only nightmare.
you parade like
falling locks of
sweetest bird flight,
in the ruffled feathers
of bedtime pillow.
holding your head above water,
up and into
poisonous air molecules,
you slip past substance
and alongside murder.
my black eyes swallow
the sound of my
pain, stuck in silence.
my lips, red, with soreness
of stretching and
withholding the tears
along with the crying.
my life trying to untangle
itself from the sheets..
everything is a nightmare
what did i do to deserve this rationalized to all but me
that keeps getting dished out to me more and more
i lay in my bed
and i wait for the time to strike the chime just perfectly at least enough for me to remember the
of how i get into the better part of this
instead of always being the butt end of the ship taking off and leaving me
alone with nothing but debris
and i am wasted
my logic nor my intuition hits home
i ponder continuous possibile solutions in my head moment after ticking moment
and the bomb still always goes off in the end
what am i not understanding
am i too awkward to want to be accompanied
did you get me all dressed up like a queen just to
tell me to get down on all fours and kiss your feet because you are tired from running
running away from me
from everything that means a damn to me
anything that has anything to do with me
and your tired of running
running my life
running your issues into me with a knife
pushing me inbetween blade and the walls
and i am suffering
wincing in pain
its often hard to see which way
i am supposed to be going
did you want me to go away
and which way would that be going
exit stage right stage left
i feel like everything is staged
and you're all just watching me
like some suspense thriller on cable tv
waiting for my final moment
waiting for my life to shatter into something i will not be able to piece back together and i am still
stuck in absolute zero motion
unable to get out of the way
of the anger you've got coming my way
because i am bewildered
not understanding what i did to deserve this
when i thought i made you complete
and thought you completed me
like the bridge over trouble waters
only when you lay me down
its more like laying me out
for the vultures
and you pick apart my rotted insides
of horror stories i can barely whisper to this day
and then take it out on me
try to blame me for rotting
well i didn't want that shit alive in me
i didn't want that shit to breathe
so i pushed it under further than layers of skin can go deep
and i kept it
because i would never give it to anybody
and i turn it to dust
crumble it to earth little by little
as i deal with it
and it is hurting
pulling it out is nearly as bad as putting it in
sharp edges now rusted sharp edges
and you blame me for everything
and i am wondering how i can ease your pain
make your anger go away
but unfortunately i am beginning to think
that you have it set in your head
that i am too imperfect to ever make you happy
so our dream lays a waste
and you won't quit the madness until i've gone away
but that kills me
because i love you so much more than anything
and you just want me as far as i can possibly be
so i'll begin my distancing
still i just don't understand what i did to deserve this
when i loved you baby
and i wanted this so badly
maybe so badly that i broke it
i always do stupid things
at least thats what they tell me
maybe i should never have expected
that i could be good enough to fill the shoes that are good enough to walk next to you maybe i am worthless
maybe i am a horrible person
but i just don't understand what i did so badly, so wrongly
to have this be given to me as justice.
but then justice never was really fair, was it baby?
mouthed with teeth
i gnarled a cigarette
snatch[ed] the bag
off her feet.
i am [caught] away with me.
up against photogenic blaze
blow drying the air,
asphyxiation is loyal
and i owe you today
in oral [phrases]
that have me sucking in
instead of blowing you [away]
i am [caught] away with me.
pants flipped inside out
i am walking on midnight hardwood
creaking thru your mind
as you dream that the price is necessary
and buy me another hour.
you look for definition
and find curves of body
challenging your calm urgency
trying to stretch your patience.
i am [caught] away with me.
blot smudge scratch burn rub
i am [away] with me
for a girl i know
If I could only reach out and hold you
in these desperate moments
where unwilling suicide seems to move your hand towards the direction of actually doing it
I would help you stop the constant abuse
they are battling you
and I would show you how to not let them
because I know
I've won this battle myself
you have got to keep the calm and refuse the panic
don't let them have relief, give them nothing
and it's going to make you suffer some
as the dis-ease climbs to full on
but if you don't let up
you can state your demands
if they want that
then they give this...
a little peace and quiet,
a little respect for me and this body
and in return they can type, silently
and you will respect them
by reading their pages
when you feel you are ready.
is this love, life in code
sothi nsh e'sgot
cryst.al.line knoc kers
trans paren tbreas tplate
soev ery body.txt canse e he(a)r(t)
&knowju stwhe reto squee.ze
type "push button one" to
<manipulate her state of being>
:) :( : |
togetw hatyo uwant
& type "disconnect"
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