you asked me once what dope took from me,

and the answer is

it took you.

you alone,

are poetry.

a lover of beauty, you say,

as i blush beneath the sheets

that held your scent long after you left.

today the song and dance

you made of my words

have turned to war chants

and judgement

bending grooves in the spaces

created between us.

the smoke chokes the love,

unwraps the arms from around me,

drops the safety net

for my jump

and ties you up in shackles.

it’s no longer me you can’t live without.

you asked me once what dope took from me

and truthfully,

it took so many damn things-

my life, my brain, my health,

my girls-

and it took,

it took you.

#geekslutnerdgirl

#poetry

#gsng

#loveless

#thesedrugs

if i could get you back

if i could somehow jog the memory,

reignite the flame

that was supposed to never die.

if i could re-strengthen the fire,

the one that is supposed to

eternally pull us closer still

until one again.

if i could make math redetermine

the values of

two halves, yet two souls

and somehow make them one.

if i could have you back,

i guess i would give anything for that,

because it hurts to see you so close

and yet feel so very far from your heart.

i feel misplaced,

traded in,

pushed back,

forgotten.

i have screamed all i can,

spoken eloquent words,

replayed our favorite tunes,

laid it out for you in tears,

and nothing brings you anywhere near

to back to me as you were.

nothing stands a chance

against the white throned.

i always believed there was one love

meant to be for everyone,

there was one path to eternity.

but that was before

you showed me that

love has forks

and you could actually be undecided on

which one to travel,

before you told me that they may sometimes run parallel,

they will always part,

and i will always have the lower end.

because i just lost that spark,

and you just closed your eyes

on the brightest light born,

and opened them in another direction.

you found something else

to light your way,

another map to explore.

i just wish that i could bring you back.

if only i could.

#poetry

#love

#missingyou

you don’t think i’ve got enough tribulations?

too much negative energy

hanging onto my skin.

you don’t think i have enough empty,

enough broken (promises)

under my skin?

you don’t think the hurt is deep enough?

thought i needed to try to survive a tidal

wave,

while dodging bullets

and trying to talk to angels

because it’s all i have left.

do you think i have enough lonely?

no?

you’re going to take away you too?

pull yourself through my pores,

until you are standing on your own,

then knock my feet out from under me.

knees buckling and i am too weak

for swimming in these rapids.

i am the only one.

i have no one.

nothing can possibly understand me.

nobody can feel this loneliness.

but i thought you cared enough

to make the ride thru this hell with me.

instead i’m burning in your deception,

i am smoke in mirrors

as your lies try to fold me up

so i won’t see

all the ways you have

moved away from me.

because i don’t have enough,

let’s multiply this pain,

divide the happiness left,

subtract the light

and add more emptiness

to this shell of a girl.

this is how you left me here.

this is how i am.

defeated.

defeated.

but i guess,

if i think about it-

even in the brightest dreams i have

still, we did part.

we have subtle lenses

attached to complex visions.

they call it creativity.

i call me falling off

the deep-end,

not drowning

or swimming in,

but falling.

guess its a perception thing.

i think at least if i were only drowning,

i'd only have five more minutes of

living like this.

but falling,

i am still breathing

and i can be falling forever.

at least thats how it seems.

my mind made up is

always different than

the norm or

the rest of the breathing world.

and i don't care if they do.

leave it to them.

i can't worry about

pleasing everybody.

i have too many damn ledges

to avoid catching,

to avoid becoming

just another anybody

like the rest of you sheep in society.

my eyes will stay

wide awake.

fuck you for loving me

and wanting me

and trying to

pull/push

tempt/sway

bribe/beg

me back to safety.

i don't want to be

tucked away

in someone elses

dreams.

that is my only nightmare.

sullen stomp.

you parade like

falling locks of

sweetest bird flight,

lost

in the ruffled feathers

of bedtime pillow.

holding your head above water,

up and into

poisonous air molecules,

you slip past substance

into addiction

and alongside murder.

my black eyes swallow

the sound of my

pain, stuck in silence.

my lips, red, with soreness

of stretching and

tearing and

withholding the tears

along with the crying.

my life trying to untangle

itself from the sheets..

everything is a nightmare

what did i do to deserve this rationalized to all but me

heartache

that keeps getting dished out to me more and more

i lay in my bed

and i wait for the time to strike the chime just perfectly at least enough for me to remember the

secret ring

of how i get into the better part of this

instead of always being the butt end of the ship taking off and leaving me

alone with nothing but debris

and i am wasted

my logic nor my intuition hits home

i ponder continuous possibile solutions in my head moment after ticking moment

and the bomb still always goes off in the end

.

what am i not understanding

am i too awkward to want to be accompanied

did you get me all dressed up like a queen just to

tell me to get down on all fours and kiss your feet because you are tired from running

running away from me

from everything that means a damn to me

my feelings

my heart

my pieces

my love

my anything

anything that has anything to do with me

and your tired of running

running my life

running your issues into me with a knife

pushing me inbetween blade and the walls

and i am suffering

wincing in pain

its often hard to see which way

i am supposed to be going

did you want me to go away

and which way would that be going

exit stage right stage left

i feel like everything is staged

and you're all just watching me

like some suspense thriller on cable tv

waiting for my final moment

waiting for my life to shatter into something i will not be able to piece back together and i am still

stuck in absolute zero motion

caught

unable to get out of the way

of the anger you've got coming my way

because i am bewildered

and puzzled

not understanding what i did to deserve this

when i thought i made you complete

and thought you completed me

like the bridge over trouble waters

only when you lay me down

its more like laying me out

for the vultures

and you pick apart my rotted insides

of horror stories i can barely whisper to this day

and then take it out on me

try to blame me for rotting

well i didn't want that shit alive in me

i didn't want that shit to breathe

so i pushed it under further than layers of skin can go deep

and i kept it

because i would never give it to anybody

and i turn it to dust

crumble it to earth little by little

as i deal with it

and it is hurting

pulling it out is nearly as bad as putting it in

sharp edges now rusted sharp edges

and you blame me for everything

and i am wondering how i can ease your pain

make your anger go away

but unfortunately i am beginning to think

that you have it set in your head

that i am too imperfect to ever make you happy

so our dream lays a waste

and you won't quit the madness until i've gone away

but that kills me

because i love you so much more than anything

and you just want me as far as i can possibly be

so i'll begin my distancing

still i just don't understand what i did to deserve this

when i loved you baby

and i wanted this so badly

maybe so badly that i broke it

i always do stupid things

at least thats what they tell me

maybe i should never have expected

that i could be good enough to fill the shoes that are good enough to walk next to you maybe i am worthless

maybe i am a horrible person

but i just don't understand what i did so badly, so wrongly

to have this be given to me as justice.

but then justice never was really fair, was it baby?

wet space

mouthed with teeth

i gnarled a cigarette

snatch[ed] the bag

off her feet.

i am [caught] away with me.

up against photogenic blaze

blow drying the air,

my skin

sizzling.

asphyxiation is loyal

and i owe you today

in oral [phrases]

that have me sucking in

instead of blowing you [away]

i am [caught] away with me.

pants flipped inside out

i am walking on midnight hardwood

creaking thru your mind

as you dream that the price is necessary

and buy me another hour.

cross[legged] uncrossed

you look for definition

and find curves of body

challenging your calm urgency

trying to stretch your patience.

i am [caught] away with me.

blot smudge scratch burn rub

i am [away] with me

If I could only reach out and hold you

in these desperate moments

where unwilling suicide seems to move your hand towards the direction of actually doing it

I would help you stop the constant abuse

they are battling you

and I would show you how to not let them

because I know

I've won this battle myself

you have got to keep the calm and refuse the panic

don't let them have relief, give them nothing

and it's going to make you suffer some

as the dis-ease climbs to full on

but if you don't let up

you can state your demands

if they want that

then they give this...

a little peace and quiet,

a little respect for me and this body

and in return they can type, silently

and you will respect them

by reading their pages

when you feel you are ready.

her.txt

<title>weary</title>

wear.y.eng.thin.html

sothi nsh e'sgot

cryst.al.line knoc kers

trans paren tbreas tplate

soev ery body.txt canse e he(a)r(t)

&knowju stwhe reto squee.ze

type "push button one" to

<manipulate her state of being>

:) :( : |

togetw hatyo uwant

& type "disconnect"

you are now logged off

telnet port 8888

these are the years that we are surfacing.

wearing the edges thin

and paperweighting them.

everything is picking up and

pulling down.

everything is tangling and

i am caught in between

your breath and misery.

i aquaint well,

at least thats what they tell me.

so unhappily personable,

so into this disease that

i can no longer make out the tracing

of lines that we created

when we were stuck underneath,

still trying to break the surface.

still trying to love one another.

i hate the way life bleeds.

it bleeds all of me

and leaves me stuck in the

inabilty to think,

to speak,

to get away-

from this,

from you...

from this fucked up, whatever you want to call it,

that we have become.

i am just glad that finally

i snapped before reality folded

and captured me a lifetime

to die in your arms.