I heard you were lost

Pressed against California costs

Learning what my brother did at twenty-six,

Out in Houston, Texas

where my essence

Is.

Paranoid

So I mold this clay chest,

push ups

and

bar hangs

Stars

fade

and

I play

Words

From the ancients.

All at once:

I was a Mustang

swerving

off the road,

..… a comet …..

only seen through your

peripherals

The whining voice at the brink of exhaustion.

I carve impatience from my baggy

E y e s

Laugh

again and again

Yet I feel that ache

Thumping like sickly love,

mistrust cycling ventricles:

It's never that simple.

Doctors say I'm stressed

Something chasing my bloodline

Exposed veins shine like sacrificial cliffs

Golden rocks with newly blazed moss:

I am bleeding and burning,

Loving

You

sprinting paycheck

after paycheck.

You

Fall

So

Beautifully

From your family tree

Tumbling rapidly in fields of yesterday:

Green eyes undulating like rolling wet film

Flames like sea walls

d i v i d e d

Slowly lashing as i walk impatient

Talk until my lips shut.

December 2012

At the church

Last walk of my light

Vigils lit with tender glows

As if that night we were invited;

A family torn to three

Granted one last chance at humanity.

Without

a

L

I

F

E

L

I

N

E

I find my honest self….

blood scurrying past my face

slowing enveloped

in your sins

Wonder what you were like at 23,

What you fought for before you

Vanished.

I seek life in every breath

Take steps to my origins

Wish to extinguish

Your

Image

.

. . .

.

.

En mis sueños te veo pa

Alli estoy enfrente de la tele

y tú con el cuchillo en la mano

¡Y la sangre!

El día que nunca se va de mi memoria

me despierto con tu cara

En el espejo,

Mideo ardiendo a traves

De mis ojos.

Escucho tu voz pa

Hablando de Morelia,

Y tu infancia.

Mi hermano mayor es tu reflejo

Y yo

Una sombra de tu personaje.

No sé si te volveré a ver

pero sé que nunca olvidaré

los años que tuvimos.

for better or worse.

This story is torture

Long winded, and curved

With plot twists aplenty

Some I know I deserve

Maybe it's easier

To sit back and see

This whole long disaster

As a stage play, a tragedy

The playwright and actors

All look the same

None of them willing

To shoulder the blame

I see my self speaking

But I didn't write the lines

Just feel this compulsion

To speak in twisted rhymes

I crane my neck to the sky above

Nothing but cheap wood and paint

The person holding my strings

Just waves and makes me wait

The play, it just goes on and on

No one's ever allowed to leave

Not even the ones who set the stage

Not a single moment of reprieve

There isn't a day that goes by

Where I don't think of cutting the strings

Even if, a simple myth

Is all I hope it brings

For even if there is no end

That matches what I've heard

I'd like to see them try to fix

The severed wings of this caged bird

The teeth are cracked from the socket.

The sister still suffers and sobs.

The school bus is always crashing

There is no pain, but the sound echoes.

There are tracks left over, shiny and raw.

One hundred heads slam against the seat.

The blood fills the mouth, metallic.

The blood still flows, dripping from fingertips.

There is always blood.

Gloved fingers fish the pearls from the back of the throat.

Shaking hands smash the blade to the tabletop.

Hitting the brakes, too little and too late.

Sealed away in a plastic bag.

Cell phone buzzing across the room.

Legs banged up against the bar.

I tuck them under my pillow.

I run toward the light of it.

I put my hands to my face.

At senior recital, my fingers skip and stammer across the keys;

just like I practiced at home.

Let’s throw it away

The work doesn’t matter

We’ll say it was play and not care for the shatter

Let’s give up the pain

Why should we resist it?

Complain of our train after days that we missed it

Let’s find the next task

’Cause we have to keep going

We’ll tear off the mask and leave everything showing

Let’s sit down together

Never mind that’s insane

I guess birds of a feather will share the same brain

Living it up

Drinking it down.

Having fun

In a new town.

It's old to me,

But young at heart.

Soaking in

The audacious art.

Walking around,

I find appreciation.

Talking to guests

Wash away any apprehension.

A short stay

Is all that's needed,

To feed my soul

To feel completed.

Take a lover before you’re physically frail

However linear time may interfere

Send blood to the cheeks before permanently pale

Eventually bones, joints, and ligaments fail

Oh to bask in the sweet carnal veneer

Take a lover before you’re physically frail

The body’s a temple and then it’s a jail

A waterlogged vessel difficult to steer

Send blood to the cheeks before permanently pale

Don’t wait until the end of your tale

For smiles and temptations in nursing gear

Take a lover before you’re physically frail

As your coffin lies waiting for that final nail

Tortured missed chances year after year

Send blood to the cheeks before permanently pale

The blunderbuss is loaded and you are the quail

Life barely lived and this is the fear

Take a lover before you’re physically frail

Send blood to the cheeks before permanently pale

Dear Mom,

I am sorry I'm not more like Mollie. And I know you love me for who I am but I don't. I wish I was her too. I'm sorry for my attitude and my need for perfection but no motivation because I know Mollie has the motivation. I'm sorry I don't make you laugh more and I'm sorry we have stopped spending time together. I miss you. The truth is I am scared for us to be close again. Ever since I got over my separation anxiety I have been worried if we get close again it will come back. I'm sorry I compare myself to others, and I'm sorry I hate the body and person that against all odds you made. I'm sorry I have let you down because I know I have let myself down. I only hope when I am a mother, I have half the women you are. I hope I have half the love you gave me, Mollie, and Steve. I hope I have even half the drive to help others. And half the compassion and love for raising us as you had. I wish I could be better and I swear I am trying and I will make you proud, whether in this life or the next. I love you.

Stop watching me

Stop looking over my shoulder.

Stop checking if I’m doing things right or wrong.

Don’t come close enough for me to feel your breath.

Stop screaming in my ear.

Stop asking me for help.

I’m not here.

I’m not here for you.

I’m here for myself.

Don’t get close enough for me to feel your breath.

Don’t let me know your here.

You’re not welcome here.

Stop the world.

Leave me be.

Leave me alone,

Please.

A little bit

closer now

hands clasped

frozen

fate

fixed

forward

to ward death

bent to anchor

this new muse

not yet ripened

by age

just a little pin

prick on

a pulsating vein

a mimicking God

flaunting suicide

someone somewhere

thrown blind

into the

deep black abyss

expanding the spores

of pain

these

remaining days

filled with

abstract radio waves

and long dead

pixels of

ghosts

these remaining days

standing fearless

on the heels

of the

devils

hooves

Prosers:

(finish this with one stanza in the comments)

I loved his whole essence.

The reflection in his bright blue eyes.

Each time I fell deeper and deeper into his trap.

He was captivating. Held a sense of power over me I couldn’t quite shake.

I waited for so long to find someone who knew me in ways others couldn’t

I was there when he when me. But distance when I was the one in pain.

I was planning on leaving him. Planning to escape his pull.

Before I got my chance to run, he surprised me with a ring.

I soon realized this ring was my way out.

Take the money and leave the man. The words I repeated each morning.

Her love was all I needed.

The way she looked at me. Filling my heart with hope.

She made me who I was. Her gentle tone and empathic ways, made me hope for the best.

She was mine, mine to have love. Mine to cherish.

She was the princess in the tower and I was her prince.

Always there for each other. Two souls together in the pain of life.

I planned to marry her. Spend each waking moment by her side.

When it was time, I finally asked. Asked her if she would be my wife.

She was so moved, moved by my love for her. She was obsessed with me.

I will spend the rest of my days loving her. She was mine forever.