Sometimes I would call your name just to see your hair dance and eyes give me attention.

I swear that I loved you and tear up anytime you are mentioned.

It wasn’t your time, Champ. I could’ve done more to ease the pain in your joints.

The vet says you lived a long life and to be fair he made good points.

But he doesn’t know everything you’ve done for me, nor the comfort you brought.

There’s irony in your discomfort and how hard you must have fought.

I’m so sorry Champ, my decision was selfish, seemed easy, and made far too quick.

Your eyes showed plenty of life and this makes me feel sick.

Your golden hair danced like never before as I carried you in to the vet.

You were my brother, you were my friend, and that day is my biggest regret.

Oh the way you looked at me as that needle dug in your leg,

You were confused and betrayed, and soon to be dead.

I had no right to do what I did.

I convinced myself you were at your end.

But you weren’t. I’m sorry.

I've waited for years on end

I've killed my heart plenty of times for their happiness

I've been stabbed for so many years

And I'm always left in the same place I started

Alone and in pain

Everyone always left me to rot

Everyone always left me to die

And I let them

I should've done something

I could've done something

But everytime someone new comes along...

They just try to break me

And it must be so disappointingly easy

Because I let them

The worst part about being betrayed

Is that it never comes from your enemies

i thought you were different,

i may be hopeless when it comes to love,

but my hopes were high for a reason,

you were my everything and now suddenly not there,

i spend another sleepless night trying to replace your touch with someone elses,

something that feels impossible at the moment,

for no one compares to you,

there is nothing more i want than to lay in your arms,

my whole world seems to be crumbling apart without you here,

i want to go back,

why can’t we go back?

I say I was really young,

he looks at me with glossy eyes

and an empty smile and waits for me to continue

I tell him I don’t know what I did wrong

I say maybe things would be different

if that hadn’t happened

Maybe I would be different

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so sad all the time

Maybe I wouldn’t feel haunted

by ghosts past of all the men I’ve loved ever since

Maybe I would know how to let go

I tell him about the times he should’ve held my hand

but let go instead

About the afternoons I spent crying

because how could I be enough if he didn’t want me?

i tell him it’s hard not to love an absent man

when i’ve been taught to love him

and that’s all he’s ever been

I tell him about the times I wanted to scream at people

I wanted to say please let me hurt

But how I instead trained myself to go quiet

To remain silent

To keep that pain inside of me, hidden,

like a treasure or a really annoying mosquito bite

I don’t tell him about the moments I spent

scratching my skin till it bled looking for what

itched so I could have some relief

I don’t tell him and he disappears.

I didn’t tell him how it hasn’t stopped itching

how I still hurt

every time another man breaks my heart

and it starts all over again.

What I tell my father about the first time a man broke my heart - {renata ferretti}

″Daddy, don’t go!”

You were walking so fast,

Too fast for my little feet to keep up.

Was it that easy for you to leave me?

I know you heard my screams, but you never stopped.

I should have known you wouldn’t. You just kept going.

Farther and farther away, not trying to get one last look at me.

I punched, pushed, and pulled trying to make you stop.

You just kept going.

″Please don’t leave me!”

Mommy said you did a bad thing and now you have to leave.

How long do I have to wait before you realize your mistake?

Is it because you don’t want me anymore, daddy?

Have you found a better daughter?

I'll be good, the best daughter anyone could ask for, I promise!

I won't cry or yell and always my veggies,

I'll even let you play with my toys.

Come back, please. I need you, daddy.

This is a message from a widow who died on her way to get her blind daughter a new dress for her birthday,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her I'm dead,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her I'm out of breath,

You can tell her that I'm not coming back until I find the perfect dress for her,

A dress befitting for a queen like her,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her I've been murdered,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her the woman whose death she heard about in the news was her mother,

You can tell her that I fell in love with a drifter on my way back,

And I selfishly followed him out of town so i cancelled out her birthday plans,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her my blood was spilled on the floor,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her what that careless driver has done,

You can tell her that I found a giant turtle dove who flew me on its back to a place of never ending happiness and peace,

And she shouldn't worry about me,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her where I am in a morgue,

Please go to my daughter but don't tell her my body is all frozen up,

You can tell her I said she is the best thing that happened to me,

My heart longs for my daughter, God knows I miss how we used to be,

Please go to my daughter but don't mention my lonely cold grave,

where I'm gonna rot away until the day we meet again,

Until the day we meet again my love.

You still worry about all the mistakes you’ve made

For any other life you’d instantly trade

You can’t hold back your screams and your cries

So you direct them at others and cut all your ties

You can’t forget all the times that you’ve failed

The people you hurt and the darkness you inhaled

You held on to all the times that you’ve been hurt

The actions of others and the blood on your shirt

You can leave the places and times behind

But never really get them out of your mind

You can laugh and carry a fake smile

When your state of mind is really so fragile

You can’t stand to be around people anyhow

Since the people you know can’t talk to you now

You can hardly remember when things weren’t so bad

And maybe your anger and sadness is all you’ve really had

You wake up still holding yesterday’s fear

That all you can think is you don’t want to be here

You’re worried that you’ll always feel this way

Why would you want to keep it all past today?

I told myself several times that today was the day

That all the thoughts in my head will finally go away

I then had a day that was a little worse then the rest

After trying and failing when I was put to the test

I had hit rock bottom and it felt pretty strange

When I finally decided that it was time for a change

I talked out my feelings and now take pills everyday

There were trials and errors to keep bad feelings at bay

I still feel sad sometimes, having good days and bad

But I will tell you that somethings different from what I had.

I dabbled with the thought that life was worth living

The bad things that have happened can still be forgiven

I won’t tell you it’s easy but it does get better

Your life isn’t worth less than any other

You can tell me you don’t think you’ll make it past today

And now I think I’ll know exactly what to say.

I feel you there  passing by

Like a drifting breeze from the  sky.

It's  not quite what it used to be- to be standing in your air.

I feel the piercing cold run through me

'Cause you're far removed from thee.

I shiver from the cold as you go by-

No, it's not like it used to be - standing in your air.

I imagined growing old with you-needing you,

But now the weather's blistering;

The frigid, stoic air stills me deep.

Then I  notice that you're  there but not who you used to be.

And I'm  no longer standing in the air that breezes as you pass me by; no, I'm  no longer standing there- in the air that comes from you.

As you lie there beside me, I  try to tempt you to my side.

But the breeze coming from you seems more penetrating and frigid

as these many years have pass by.

It's  not what I remember as I stand to feel you pass me by.

Being in your air is not what it used to be.

No it doesn't  feel how it used to feel-standing there in your air.

Your secrecy and cached lies stifles me; it stiffens like a bitter cold that runs through even thee.

A comforting breeze evades me true,  and is replaced with blistery frost

That laidens me in crippling cold.

For, your cold and spiteful air

Has seemed to overtake and weaken me thus.

So now I'm e'er determined to avoid your air,

So cold.

To pass on by and pretend to shield myself from you-

From that breeze that paralyzes me, that I  could never deny.

For you coldish manner pushes me far away

And I wonder if I'll ever recover

And find that breeze that could make me see the reason to choose to go on.

Beverlie’s eyes were blue. That’s really all we knew.

She could hear and understand, but could not participate. The constant thought I had was how true it is that the eyes are windows to the soul. I could see through her eyes of baby blue.

Full of emotion with no hope of expression. One day melts into another. Days turn into weeks and months and then years, she remains stuck in her living shell, unable to move.

“God please take me home, why did you leave me this way”. She cannot say it, her heart cries out but her lips don’t speak. She’s stuck inside a body that betrays her.

She can hear life all around her and she lays in bed motionless except for a beating heart, breathing lungs and seeing eyes.

She can’t even tell you what she likes to eat. She can’t tell you if she’s too hot or too cold or that she has to go to the bathroom.

The hands on the clock continue ticking as they always do and life goes by for others as usual.

She is all alone inside this body that refuses to listen to her will and her hands freeze, nails digging into her skin and cannot cry out. It hurts and no one knows.

Her children visit and bring flowers that she can’t touch, longing to hug them and can’t.

Looking at the flowers, thinking about what a good mother she was to receive such a beautiful gift and again blue eyes well up, full of tears now sliding down her cheeks. Two daughters and a son, loving them, but unable to express it.

Simple things amused her, I loved her giggles, still able to smile her face would light up.

I knew her so briefly and I could see her reality. I spoke to her often and I could feel her through her blue eyes. She could both hear and understand, this was clear looking into her eyes. That was the sadness of it all.

I thought of her today. She had blue eyes. Beverly had blue eyes. ❤️

02 May 2019

Musings of a post menopausal insomniac mind

An elderly woman lies in a snowbank,

Walking home from the food bank,

Trying to provide for her 40-year-old son,

Freezing outside, while he looks for fun.

In 68 years, she never caught a break,

Life never gives, only takes,

As she lies there on the cold hard ground,

She cries indignantly, but no one hears a sound.