Red glow of heat

suck it in

flick ashes

burning tobacco

cinders into your soul

        it’s okay, it’s all right

you’re hooked

addiction to your brim

seeps in – puffs of smoke

        it’s okay, it’s all right

cigarette companies

promise it’ll be better

just use light ones

the special filters

         it’s okay, it’s all right

don’t admit

it will kill you

in little pieces

dribbles of life

seeping away

inhaling your breath

        it’s okay, it’s all right

can’t breathe

cancer cells creeping

hearts attacking

chronic bronchitis

companies never

admitting fault

free samples

hook the young

send them on down

the road

to tobacco addiction

        it’s okay, it’s all right

more addictive

than crack or cocaine

make that money

tote that bale

watch them drop

like flies

        it’s okay, it’s all right

untruths fly by

above your head

kills you dead

but slowly

insidious death

taps on window

you’ll never know

what hit you

Watch your

loved ones

slip away

tobacco stain

reminders

of fatal mistake

lies, lies, lies

cigarette makers-

you lied

loved ones died.

        It’s not okay

        It’s not all right!

October 13,

Trembling and softly breaking,

in solicitous tones, you sing.

Unspoken and cracked open,

my silence begs your rhythm.

Play only to your wish;

no notes nor score to restrain.

Confessions are a bitter kiss,

dripping sweetly from your lips.

Touch what I cannot grasp,

and revive what I forgot.

Hush those old melodies past,

crawling up from the grass.

Raise your pitch and lull me

to crescendo's apex and leave

stuttering words empty,

awaiting your chest's heave. 

When your euphony ceases,

ease into the harsher sting

before embracing me for knowing

the words you would not sing. 

"Jesus Christ, why do you have a gun?"

There's the sound of something metallic hitting the ground. Normally, Tom would curse himself for his shaking hands, for dropping his knife, but there's a gun pointed at his face and there's honestly nothing else he can think about.

It's night and it's dark. Tom's back is covered in sweat. His hands are in the air, pleading his assailant to not use the weapon he's holding. The world is spinning, maybe because Tom hasn't eaten all day, maybe because of the adrenaline rushing through his veins.

The person standing in front of him should have recognized him by now. He should have lowered the gun.

With trembling lips, Tom says, "Seriously, Chris, get that thing out of my face!"

"It's not funny, standing on the other side, is it?" his three years younger brother says. There's nothing on his face but the complete lack of emotions.

"Chris, what are you talking about? Get that thing away from me!"

"I know you have been following me." 

"I'm worried about you!"

"You don't have to be, Tom! You just can't help putting yourself in the spotlight again, can you?"

"Jesus, Chris, the fact that you're still pointing that freaking gun at my face proves I have reasons to be worried."

"Yes, well..." Chris lowers the gun and examines it in the orange light of a lantern. His soft fingers follow the barrel of the weapon, a soft caress on a cold night.

Tom's breathing is heavy. He pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to think, to understand. "Chris," he says, "you're freaking me out."

Chris looks up, a flash of anger rolling over his face. "I didn't want it to come to this, but you just couldn't keep your stinking nose out of my business, could you!"

"I swear, whatever it is I have done, I'm sorry. We can talk this out."

He just needed to catch his little brother off-guard. He would only need a second to snatch the gun from his hands. He could only hope his hands wouldn't shake so much he'd fuck it up.

"All you ever did, was be the good brother."

"What's wrong with that, Chris?"

"It made me the bad brother."

"That wasn't my intention!" Tears were streaming down his face now. God knew he was terrible with handling stressful situations. God knew he just tried his best at - everything. At coping, helping, figuring out how to live life.

"It made me kill mom."

The air was sucked out of the alley. Sucked out of Tom's mouth and ears and nose, the pull so hard it choked him, left him cold and empty on the inside. His need to breathe got so strong he dropped to the ground and coughed, blood and other body fluids forming a puddle underneath him.

But he wasn't on the ground. He was on his feet. His hands not shaking for the first time.

"Dad killed mom," he mumbled, his lips feeling numb and his eyes unable to focus on the person in front of him.

There was a shot, or maybe two. Suddenly, Tom realized he was lying on the ground. Had he fallen, or had he imagined being on his feet? The streetlights were brighter than a million suns. They made him want to close his eyes. He was sweating like crazy. He could feel it sliding down the sides of his chest. His whole chest slowly started to feel wet, actually. And hadn't he been with someone?

Oh right, Chris. Chris who had a gun. Had he been shot? Was this what it was like to be shot?

"Chris," he said, recognizing the face that appeared above him, "did you kill mom?"

He saw the boy nod, but couldn't make out the expression on his face.

"Because she murdered dad," Chris said.

A memory shot through Tom's skull. Two bodies lying in blood. Their parents. A mysterious murder, or maybe two suicides. The case had never been solved.

"Chris, I murdered dad," Tom mumbled, struggling to move his mouth. "He was going to kill you."

Was there a moment of silence? Or was Tom imagining it? He didn't have enough time to figure it out.

"Tell him he succeeded."

Another shot rang loud and clear. Chris's face disappeared from view. Tom's thoughts were sluggish as he lay there, bleeding to death in the alley. Just before he lost consciousness, he managed to figure it out. They would finally all be together again.

Tonight is my night 

     and I'll tell you why

When she's in sight, 

     when she's passing by

Quiet your step, 

     don't kill my surprise

A lifetime of prep, 

     of severing ties

I'm ready now, 

     she's ready too

I'll show you how 

     when she is in view

Be quiet and still, 

     I hear her sweet voice

It gives me a chill, 

     I've made my choice

It's time to move, 

     here she is now

Just be real smooth, 

     no sweat off the brow

Today is the day, 

     I'm taking her home

No more delay, 

     no more being alone

We'll just fall in step, 

     a little behind

Darkness will set, 

     she'll be rendered blind

She's taking a turn, 

     not her usual route

Can't help but yearn 

     for a new run about

This alley is new, 

     not been here before

Once we are through, 

     can't hide anymore

"So glad you're here, 

     now you can stop!"

Her voice loud & clear 

     made my heart hop.

"It's loaded and ready, 

     do as I say!"

"Now easy, be steady, 

     we'll do it your way."

"I've waited for this, 

     been watching you,

I just can't resist 

     and my love is true."

What did she say? 

     I must be confused.

What game does she play? 

     I'm not amused!

"I don't understand 

     the things I just heard,

I must demand, 

     you explain your word!"

"I'm not insane, 

     you'll think I am

Then you'll try to blame 

     me for this jam.

I have watched you, 

     I know who you are

I'll give you a clue, 

     just get in the car."

Too shocked to say no, 

     I do as she asks

Where will we go? 

     Do my best to relax

This day took a turn, 

     I can't deny that

Anxious to learn 

     whose next up to bat

"You won't leave my side, 

     soon you'll agree

You're here for the ride, 

     forever with me."

One hand on the wheel, 

     one on the gun

Her words make me reel, 

     think I have won

"You don't need a threat, 

     I won't run away

The gun makes me sweat, 

     I swear I won't stray."

She laughs like a loon, 

     speeding along

It's soon to be noon, 

     she plays me a song.

That night we were wed 

     in a very small church

She took me to bed, 

     my heart did a lurch

I'm hers there's no doubt, 

     how I want it to be

What life is about 

     having her next to me.

Lisa had a small Barretta pointed at my chest, probably a Cheetah, though it was difficult to guess in the dim basement light. It looked old. Maybe she picked it up at her parents place last week. Impossible to tell how many rounds were inside. In a room this size, they might just as well ricochet back into her. Lisa had never even held a gun, at least not in the sixteen months I’d been following her.

“Step back,” she said. She tried to hid the quaver in her voice but Lisa can’t hide anything from me. “Against the wall.”

I stepped back. Lisa shook slightly, never taking her eyes off me, so I took a minute to get a look at my surroundings. The room was small, maybe six by six feet with no natural light. An incandescent bulb swung from the ceiling, rather uselessly. I couldn’t see any switch. There was a bucket in the corner but no furniture.

“Lisa,” I said, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m taking my life back.” Little tears rolled down her face. I smiled.

“Are you going to call the police again?” I asked. “That’ll be quite the story, me stalking you at the point of a gun.”

“No,” she said, stepping back from me. “No cops this time.”

“You’re going to shoot me?” I laughed. It wasn’t even calculated, I just genuinely found the idea of that pathetic, trembling little woman shooting me hilarious.

Lisa shook her head. “No. Not unless you make me, Karen.”

“Then what? No cops and no bullets? What’s to stop me from just walking out of here and we’ll just continue on like we’ve been?”

“I will kill you if you make me,” Lisa promised. For the first time that night, she sounded as if she really believed herself.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re a piece of work, you know? You want to blame every single one of your problems on me, don’t you? Because that’s easier than accepting responsibilities for your own mistake. Well if you pull trigger, Lisa, it’s because you wanted to. Not because of anything you think I did.”

“You think I wanted this?” It was her turn to laugh then, but it was more like a dog barking when he’s startled. “I never wanted any of this! I didn’t want to move to a new town to get away from you. I didn’t want to still wake up at three in the morning to your threats on my phone, even after I changed the number. I just wanted you to leave me alone!”

She was always such a drama queen. “So you pointed a gun at me and told me to march down to your dungeon? Some mixed signals there, Lisa.”

“This is the only way I can be sure,” she said. “Everywhere where I go, you’re there. Even when I don’t see you, I’m looking over my shoulder, waiting for you. I can’t go to work. I can’t have friends. You’ve ruined my life.”

That made me smile. Served her right.

Lisa took a step back. She reached back behind her, fumbling for the doorknob. “This is the only way I can be sure.” She said again. “If I know exactly where you are, you can’t sneak up on me ever again. You can’t call me or drive by my house or kill my cat-”

“I never touched your stupid cat!”

“If you’re locked in here, I never have to see you again,” and she smiled, showing me all her teeth like a dog trapped in a corner.

I rushed her, slamming my shoulder into hers. Lisa stumbled back into the doorway. I heard the gun fire but I couldn’t tell where the bullet landed. The barrel caught me in the chin and knocked my balance off. The door slammed shut with Lisa on the other side. I grabbed the knob but it was already locked. I heard Lisa laughing on the other side.

I shouted at her, the worst things I could think of, called her names and threatened to cut her tits off with a rusty razor, demanded she open the door. Lisa just laughed until eventually the laughter turned to sobs. I cursed her until my voice gave out. I don’t know how before I fell asleep, or how long I was asleep before I woke to footsteps going upstairs, getting quieter and further away.

She’ll come back. She won’t be able to stay away, not scared little Lisa. She’ll want to make sure her stupid little plan worked. I can wait. I’ll finish the job, get rid of the little stain once and for all.

Just you wait, Lisa, as soon as you come back.

Such a sweet little thing

Pink pigtails, tied up with string

Followed her home from school

Watched her splash through a clear pool

As she cut through the park

I watched her walk, the dark

Blue of her dress perfectly matching

The cerulean blue of the eyes that were catching

Me in their magnetic embrace

She had such a sweet face

I followed her out through an alley

I think I'll call this one Sally

She turned a corner, I watched

Her go, I deeply scratched

My arm in my haste to follow

Her; but there was someone in the hollow

Of that alley, who she now stood behind

A dark, amorphous shadow, spilling from her mind

She raised her hand, it raised one too

The gun sparkling in its hand like morning dew

Her eyes so blue now charcoal black

I'd been the one coming for a midday snack

But it looked like I would be the meal that day;

Her expression carved of tortured clay

She made the motion, it fired the shot

Put a bullet where I'd been so hot

I fell to the ground, scrambling back,

But I could see by the distinct lack

Of remorse in its eyes, that I

Was doomed to die;

It fired, and fired, and fired again,

'Til I was but the ruin of men

As I faded, I saw her take

My blood, which pooled about me like a lake

And write a number on the wall

The number 100, and the words "All

Done."