I don't know what it is. I don't know why I'm in still in love with him. Some people say it's the memories that you're still in love with and not the person them self but its him. The memories help but they aren't what keep awake at night. I'm up sometimes until 4am playing the scenarios of all the what ifs. What if we were still together? The memory of us slow dancing just turns into me imagining our first dance as husband and wife. And the memory of him walking through the door in his uniform after a long day at work just makes me wonder what the feeling would be like if that was an everyday occurrence. I could say I'm in love with the memories but I'm also in love with future that we will never have.

You're so broken and you don't even realize it. You just accepted the pieces as they are. And that's the sad part. You don't notice that you see through negativity instead of positivity. You don't notice the sun that's brightening up the day, you just see the storm that slowly making its way through. You're the moon acting like a star.

I look up at the stars and I cannot find their beauty. I only see their dimly lit sorry selves.

I see an untouched snow covered hill and I don't see the beauty. I only see the joy I would get in ruining it's perfectness.

I see the powerful waves of the oceans and I don't see its beauty. I only see flesh eating creatures that are waiting to taste my blood.

I look at my heart and I no longer see one. I see it on the ground in a million pieces.

I look at you and I see the reasons.

I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what to believe when you open your mouth to talk. You know that the power rests in your hands and just like anyone with the power at their palms, you are playing. One moment you want to be with me and the next you're saying that you don't feel the same way as I do. It's so confusing. And I can't do confusing. I love you, Kev. I love every single part of you but I can't keep doing this. This seesaw way of life. You said you are worth waiting for. What exactly am I waiting for? Don't get me wrong I don't mind waiting if what I'm waiting for is certain. But right now I'm waiting for the uncertain. I was willing to be yours and accept your brokenness. I was willing to wait when you deployed. I was willing.

Last night you came over just like you used to. I got in your car and you drove off. It was just you and me on these roads. You pulled over about a mile down the road, you leaned in, gave me a gentle kiss on my cheek and whispered "I missed you, goober". We got back on the road and headed towards your room. You just have seen the sadness in my eyes because before pulling through the gate, you pulled over again. This time you just looked me in my eyes "you know I love you, now smile" you grabbed my hand and we headed on our way. The quiet streets on post, beautifully dimmed streets, and the night sky that I didn't bother to look for stars since the galaxy is in your eyes. When you dropped me off at home later that night you leaned over, gave me a hug, the same gentle kiss on cheek and whispered "I will always love you, goober. Don't you forget" I rolled over, clenched my pillow and whispered "you lied."

Why am I I love with you? Well, you know that feeling you get when your crush is around butterflies, sweating, all the nerves, and they were the only person you because everyone disappeared? I didn't have that when we first met. Instead the butterflies let my stomach and to dance around you as you walked towards me. The swearing wasn't there and the nerves whispered, " we aren't needed here". I noticed everyone around you and me but my eye focused on you and those butterflies. It felt natural but like one of those scenes in a movie where it ends happily. But this isn't a movie and the happy ending didn't happen. I'm here wondering what happened to my butterflies as my nerves mop of my tears. Why am I in love with you? That is the very question I ask myself everyday.

I don't know. I thought I was over him finally. I don't know what happened. I was fine. I was sleeping and the next thing I know my heart started to ache. It ached so fucking bad. I could honestly feel the pieces falling apart all over again. I tried to stand up but the bones, I know what happened to them. They just weren't there. I fell. Every time I blink, I see him. Now my eyes hurt because I refuse to blink. My throat is killing me, all I want to do is scream. I'm clenching my pillow. And I swear I just created another sea. I can't breath under these deep waters. And the water. Fuck. It burns my eyes and I can't swim. It's 1:34am and I'm on the floor in a ball drowning in the memories. The only word my lips can piece together is his name and each time I say it, I get pulled under. My heart is in pieces. I'm trying to hold onto them so they don't drift away. The waves are strong. And I just called because I wanted to know if you have any glue?

I would use the belt hanging in your closest. Your favorite belt that reeks of your scent so you would be the last smell my nose will know.

I would take a bullet of your favorite gun and carve your name into it. I will test my aim with a single shot to the picture of you on my wall. Then as I put the gun to my head, I smile because you will be the last thing to go through my mind.

I would fill a bathtub with your favorite cologne and see how long I could hold my breath before I black out.

I would carve our love story into my body and hope I don't bleed out before I could finish the ending.

I used to think the best way to self harm was to fall in love. I hated myself and wanted to put myself through the worst type of pain my body could endure. So, when I was at my lowest, broken down, far from home I fell in love, the best way I could cause harm to myself. It worked because he didn't catch me. Now I'm on the ground broken, bruised and I don't know what else to do. Laying here on the beautiful cold snow covered ground, I took the sharpest piece of my shattered heart and I carved our love story into my skin.