some days, i’m a ghost

i drift through crowds and pass through people

and no one sees me

and no one hears me

and i’m surrounded by talking and laughter

but i’m not there

i’m nowhere

there’s nowhere left to be

there’s nothing left of me

and everyone keeps talking

and nothing makes any sense

and who even am i

and why can’t i be who i used to be

i miss her

there’s so much noise

please i want to be alone

please i don’t want to be lonely

there’s so much energy

and it aches, to know i once had it too

i wonder what went wrong

i wonder if anything did

there’s so much. too much

i don’t have that much left in me

and everyone keeps talking and laughing and being

and i just keep slipping away

The sun bleeding rays of hope

And our wilted spirits plunged with the frequent growth.

I sit and rest my head on her shoulder,

wondering about the vast universe,

Shimmering stars and the wisdom behind the glorified constellation.

Our bodies absorbing the rays

Like the arrows hit the bow

Difference being the rays are soft and silk in its constant flow.

Lilies dominating daisies

Sunflowers dressed golden dancing lazily.

Slowly with time,

my eyes welcoming the doze, all ambrosial

Ending the sight with mellow wind’s proposal.

My life is full of empty spaces.

Long quiet days spent listening to things that don't remind me of you: a drip against the sink basin, black cat snores, ice falling from the balcony, commercials.

I keep a list of all the things people places I can no longer enjoy: songs by <i>Toto</i>, flavored cola, beaches, fighting leprechauns, baby giggles.

This time should be about healing, but it's been about you. And I haven't figured out how to make it not. I make lists and write poems and spend more time alone than my doctor would prescribe.

Still, it would be wrong to say you never gave me anything. You gave me bruises and heartache and mental illnesses. You gave me a type of pain that made me feel like my lungs were swollen, filled with concrete and drowning.

I'm unable to clear our moments from my memory. I want it most, to let go to give up to move on. I threw you away and it's done <i>it's done</i> <i><b>it's done</i></b>; holding on to trash is stupid.

○

My life is full of empty spaces, now.

So I'll curl up in them and stretch and grow and sleep soundly, knowing these days are better without you.

Three girls sit in my mind.

The first is giddy and bubbly. She wants move, do things, have fun. I'll call her ADHD. The other two have built a cage for her, for if she goes too far. This happens often. She is used to her cage, but she wishs she could come out and create things with me.

The second girl is Logic, always hard at work. She is pedantic, always seeking new information. Unfourtunetly, she is weak and easily manipulated by the third to become Anxity. Logis and Anxity are the same, yet fundmentally different.

The third girl is in charge. Her name is Depression, and she rules with an iron fist. She kept ADHD inside her cage for years on end, only finally letting her come out in 6th grade. I don't want to dwell on her.

Every day, you follow me.

But you're most apparent while I lay restless on my bed, trying to sleep, and that's where you are. You're there, standing over me, looking through my eyes, staring into my frail soul. Yet we both know it isn't as frail as I'd wish it to be. We all know how imperfect I am. But we also know that I'm a lot worse than one would perceive me to be. My hidden morals, which only circle around my own well-being. I try to make up for it, every day, making my goal in life to assist. To help. Yet you know that no matter what, I'm useless. You know how selfish one really can be.

And one is me.

I haven’t lived at home with my mom in over 30 years. I’ve been married nearly 29 years, I am the mother of an adult child…and yet I still call my mother when I get home from being out somewhere. It’s a small thing that will save her a sleepless night imagining all the ways I might be dead.

It’s not unusual for me to receive a frantic call about an accident on a highway I may have driven once – “Honey, I heard there was an accident on Route 9. I know you drive that way sometimes…Are you okay?”

“Um, yes, Mom. I’m at work.”

“Oh. Right. Okay, darling. Talk to you later!”

Or perhaps a tornado touched down in a town…in a nearby state.

“Honey, they just said on the news that a tornado touched down in Pennsylvania. You’re not going out, right?”

“No, we’re in for the evening. We’re fine, though. I think it was 500 miles from here….”

And forget if I am taking her out somewhere and she’s waiting for me to pick her up. I can never be late lest I arrive to find her in a heap, weeping at the foot of a police officer painstakingly explaining that her daughter is late and must be lying dead in a car wreck somewhere. Every Single Time I arrive at her home she says, “Thank God! I was worried something happened to you.”

All this to say, it should come as no surprise that I have inherited the morbidly active, fear-inducing breath-constricting imagination of my mother. Indeed, I suspect mine is her imagination to the tenth power. She should be calm and worry-free for her child, me, is a docile, security-seeking, rule following being who will almost always choose the safe avenue and eschew the dangerous side streets. I drive the speed limit and stay in the right lane. I am not inclined to seek adventure. Danger gives me hives.

I, however, gave birth to the wide-eyed, curious child who refused to walk until he could run full speed downhill into traffic. This child became the young man who jumped out of planes repeatedly – once was not enough – in order to obtain his skydiving license; who went to Thailand to swim with whale sharks while getting his scuba license; who, when his dad said, Let’s go trekking, went online to buy plane tickets to Nepal.

They went to Nepal. They called me from Mt. Everest to ask me to Google what was the worst thing that could happen if you got altitude sickness (you DIE), because their guide had it and they were trying to decide if they should continue WITHOUT him to their final destination (Everest Base Camp) despite EVERYONE’S warning that that was not a good idea in any way. Is it at all surprising that when I did not hear from them after that, and my calls went straight to voice mail the next day…and the day after that…and the day after that…that I KNEW they had decided to continue, that they had gotten lost, that they had gotten altitude sickness, that one or both of them had fallen off a cliff and was lying somewhere dead and unreachable while the other suffered alive, cold, full of guilt and wondering how in the world he would tell me the other was dead? (Spoiler alert: They did not die.)

On day four, I dialed their number every half an hour and listened to the operator tell me they could not be reached. (I screamed and cried, knowing they were unreachable because they were freezing to death lying under 20 feet of snow due to an avalanche.) At 5 am, it finally rang. My husband picked up. I burst into tears. The phone, he said, had frozen. But they were fine now. They had climbed up and down, had the best beer of their lives at the bottom and my son was unavailable because he was getting a massage. I accused him of lying and hiding the truth that my son was unconscious or dead. He assured me he was fine and promised to have him call after his massage.

What an adventure we had, he said. He had tried to convince my son that they should give up and try again another time, but he lost that argument. (Not sure how hard he tried to win it.) They left the guide behind and continued their ascent. They walked 12-14 hours a day because they had a plane to catch (they hadn’t scheduled enough days to actually make the journey in a normal time frame). They started leaving baggage behind at different inns in an effort to make the going easier…as they both got a touchof altitude sickness (my son in the head, my husband in the lungs.) Oh, but it was so exciting to see snow leopard prints although they never saw the actual leopard (THANK GOD) and it was so cool when they were eyed by some mountain goat-like creature that, judging from the picture they took, wondered exactly why they were on his mountain.

And why was the goat confused? Because they had made their own path away from the Everest Base Camp path to some other mountain. So…they scaled the side of the mountain (ROPES? WHAT ROPES??!!) to get back to the right path they could see…across the abyss. Eventually, they reached Everest Base Camp. And passed it by, thinking it couldn’t possibly be it. Too mundane. Must be that place up there. (Base Camp 1). Note: Most climbers spend 4-8 WEEKS at Everest Base Camp (at 17,598 feet) to acclimatize to the altitude. Base Camp 1 is at 19,000 feet.

You can’t be here! Some employee screeched at them. Clearly, they did not belong: You need a reservation, a license, oxygen, tents, food…once you get that high. More likely than not you also have a GUIDE, a group, a Sherpa. My son and my husband had the clothes on their backs and each other. I’m sure the employee thought they were out of their minds. (Don’t you? I did.) You must go back! He screamed. They rested a few minutes so my husband could try to breathe and then they started the eternal descent. Since my son’s head was exploding, they had to walk down some 10 hours until his head stopped throbbing.

They didn’t die, but they did do so many of the things I had imagined. Is it any wonder I always presume the worst?

All of the above is merely backstory. What you need to know before reading the real story.

My son competes in Ironmen competitions. He has completed two full events at Lake Placid, New York (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike, and a 26.2-mile run). Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a marathon after a 112-mile bike. And a 2.4-mile swim. He has completed six half Ironman competitions (1.2 mile-swim, 56-mile bike, and a 13.1-mile run).

I, like you, think he is leaning towards nuts, but I do find it motivating to see so many people, some as old as 75, challenging themselves to do something that is physically and mentally very difficult. It is a great achievement and though I often start the race thinking, oh, maybe I could do this, I always end up with, but why would I deliberately force myself to endure so much pain? My 5K at the gym three times a week is plenty hard.

So, one weekend last June, my husband and I went to see my son participate in a half Ironman competition in Connecticut. He had done this particular course before and had done a lot of training and other events in the meantime, so he expected to see significant improvement from his performance a year earlier.

The day started with heavy fog. You couldn’t see more than 50 meters in the water. First, they delayed the start. Then they shortened the swim and delayed the start again to give the officials time to remake the swim course. This was exciting because it meant he could swim full out for 750 meters, get a fast time and start the bike less tired than normal. It was great.

His transition time was one of his best and then he was off on the bike. We used the tracking device on our phone to keep abreast of his progress while we had breakfast. It stopped tracking him at mile 29. When we thought he should be finishing within half an hour or so, we went to the bike finish to await his arrival.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

My husband started getting nervous. “He should be here.”

“Maybe not,” I said. “Perhaps he had more difficulty on the climbs than he anticipated.”

We waited.

My husband went to the event officials and asked if his bike was back in transition, just in case we had missed him returning.

Nope. And his running shoes were there, waiting for him. “Just go watch the race. He’ll show up,” the less than sympathetic man said.

After some 2 hours pass the time we expected him, my husband had questioned the officials again (they radioed others along the route and no one had any news about bib 313), the on-site police officers, firemen and medical representatives. No reports about bib 313.

We figured, if he had fallen or had a flat tire, someone would have noticed. Therefore, he must be in a port-a-potty, sick, unconscious and alone with no one aware of his dilemma. Alternatively, he had lost control near the lake we had seen on our drive across the bike course the previous day, and fallen in, unable to do anything to help himself because his shoes were clipped into the bike. Or, he lost control and skidded into nearby woods, crashed into a tree knocking himself unconscious and was laying, bleeding somewhere where no one could see him.

I stood alone trying desperately to remain calm and not cry, while watching the crowd dwindle as rider after rider rolled in.

My husband ran around the park trying to get someone to look for our son or tell us what might have happened.

Had he been able to ask the returning athletes, however, they would have said, oh yeah, I saw him. That’s the guy RUNNING WITH HIS BIKE.

What?

Well, it turns out near mile 28, he got what he thought was a flat tire, but when he went to change the inner tube, he realized it was a damaged tire, not the inner tube. He rode on the flat to the aid station.

“Do you have a tire? he asked.

“No,” they said.

“Can I leave the bike here and just run?” he asked.

“No,” they said. “You have to keep the bike with you.”

“Can I run with the bike?” he asked.

“I guess so,” they said.

And so, he started to run. Barefoot. With his bicycle.

Other riders offered him food and drink as they passed by. He just asked that if they saw bike tech, let them know he needed help.

One guy offered him socks since his, by that time, were all torn up.

He stopped at two more aid stations for hydration – no bike tech to be found – and kept running.

A spectator saw him running and called his wife who was a few miles up the path and asked her to bring out a pair of running shoes for a guy who was running barefoot with his bike.

She did.

That was mile 46.

At mile 50, after running almost 22 miles, he happened upon bike tech. They had a tire. They replaced his (took the Good Samaritan’s running shoes) and he biked the last six miles. He came in smiling at me. I have never been so happy to see that smile.

Then, he sped through transition, put on his running shoes, and ran the 13.1 mile run course.

With blisters the size of walnuts on his feet.

He finished the race in 7 hours and 23 minutes: two and a half hours longer than he anticipated. But really, in the grand scheme of things, he can’t complain (I can): He finished.

The slogan of Ironman is “Anything is possible.” I often think my son lives that phrase (frequently to my chagrin, it’s true.) In a recent blog post, he wrote: “My love [of Ironman] stems from my desire to push myself both physically and mentally, to prove to myself and those around me that limits do not exist, that impossible is just an excuse, and that we can achieve great things, the greatest things, if only we have the courage to find our fire, burn off the cold and light up the dark.”

Oh.

And so, I bite my tongue, pray a lot, and (try to) hide my ever-present anxiety and (over) active imagination as I watch him light up the world around him...and give thanks to be a part of that world.

"I saw her so many times before yet I haven't seen her in such a long time I can't even remember her face. Oh, the pain, the agony."

"You saw her yesterday."

My village was a pretty peaceful place, but a kid or two would disappear every once in a while. When that happened, it was my job to find them. And I did, happy and healthy, every time. Most of them would get lost in the forest playing hide and seek or tag or murderous mischiefs. The last one might not sound like a game, but was the most popular of them all.

The forest was dense and unexplored, with bugs and beast lurking in every corner. Losing your trail was too easy even for adults, let alone children. The only reason I was able to move through it so surely and freely was my gift of smell. I could the sense the scent print of every person who ever passed through it and, if I concentrated hard enough, I could clutch onto one of them and follow it to its source. 

I could find anyone and anything, but I wasted half of my talent on a one particular person.

This time, the missing kid was Kiki. Like the last time. An the time before it.

To put it lightly, Kiki was the most mischievous kid the world has ever known. 

"Did you check all her usual hiding spots?" I asked Momo. 

"Of course I did! I even checked all the hiding spots she didn't even try yet!" she said. "What if she's lost forever? How will my heart live through such a heartbreak?!"

Momo was a ray of sunshine burning a bit too bright. She was adorable, cheerful, overly dramatic and desperately in love with Kiki. Everyone knew it, except for Kiki and Momo herself. 

"I have a bad feeling this time," she said slowly. "Like-like it's different than usual."

She was on verge of crying again, so I pat her on the frizzy hair. "Don't worry. I'll find her, like I always do. She's playing a game."

A game. Exactly. That was something we should be doing as well. "How about we play a game? Are you more of a tag or a murderous mischiefs kind a girl?"

"Murderous mischieves," she said readily, but it wasn't true. Momo was extremely fast and dexterous, running was her thing. She would play tag for hours on end until Kiki came around. Kiki, being the cunning beast she was, loved games packed with tricks and scares. I knew Momo was easily scared, so it was the furthest from her ideal game, but she was forcing herself to like it until she actually came to like it. But not more than tag.

Murderous mischieves was a game of stalking and scaring. One person would jauntily walk around the forest and the other would follow in shadows, watching their every move. When the time was right, the 'murderer' would jump out of its hideout and try to scare the 'victim'. If he succeeded, the game would declare the 'victim' murdered and the 'murderer' victorious. 

I was going to play as a 'victim', having to promise I won't use her smell to track her movements. Momo hid somewhere and I continued to follow Kiki's trail. I was so used to it by now, I could found it in the unwashed crowd without trying. I never confronted her about this, but I was fairly sure the part of reason for her constant disappearing was testing my ability. Ever since she was a toddler, she was jealous of me, crying 'I want to be a doggy too' every time she saw me. It was annoying at first, but became endearing with time.

I was relieved every time I found her, even though I wouldn't admit I was worried in the first place.

The forest was silent. Too silent. Aside from my footsteps breaking branches and fallen leaves, the air was empty. I made my way through the usual trails, paved with mistakes and wrong turns. With time, they became right. I was calm, but the silence was still unsettling. It made me aware of any little sound I was making, shifting my focus from Kiki's scent. 

Where did all the animals go? Usually you could hear birds' singing, boars' galloping and squirrels' squeaking. Those sounds were familiar, comforting, sounds of a true forest. Silence was the sound of death.

Despite my unease, I proceeded, more cautiously than before. I walked and walked and... I came to the end. The end of Kiki's trail, but no with Kiki in sight. 

I laughed at my naivety. Of course she wouldn't be standing in the plain sight, it was Kiki, for god's sake. I circled around, carefully searching for the glimpse of her raven black hair. Kiki was skilled at hiding, I'll give her that, but I was skilled at seeking too.

I pushed the branches back and forth, I flipped rocks and went through the bushes. Not a trace of her. The cold sweat came running down my face. I ran fingers down my hair, trying to calm myself down. She had to be there. My nose couldn't betray me. It never did.

There was a tall tree in front of me. Of course, she climbed to the top. How could I not notice it before? I started climbing it as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. 

"Kiki, I'm coming for you!" I screamed from the top of my lungs. I had to scare the silence away.

My hand almost slipped, but I grabbed onto a lower branch in time. Its bark was rough so it hurt my skin, sending waves of pain and discomfort down my body. I desperately tried to lift myself back up, but the world didn't work in my favor. The smaller body landed on me, hugging me the instant it felt my presence. My hold of the branch lost its grip and I fell back-first on the hard ground. The breath escaped my lungs as the other person fell on my stomach. I screamed in agony and fear, lifting my head to see the little mischief. 

"Ha, I found-" I started happily, but stopped. It wasn't Kiki. It was Momo. 

She smiled at me. "You've been murdered."

I wasn't. I lifted myself off the ground. The ground. The ground was too rough. I was missing grass. I knelt by it, examining its surface. It was dug up and freshly covered with dirt and sand and crushed flowers. And Kiki's scent.

I realized at that moment I lost in the game of murderous mischiefs, but won in the game of hide and seek.