There's nothing like publicizing one's innermost thoughts, don't you think, Jesus? I guess it all goes here? If they knew that all I say to you is, "do your will," and, "if you will it," "thank you," and lately even, "please." How I always get away with, "You know what I want, need, and feel. Fix me! You will fix me if you want to," and the thorn in my side remains and I'm honored and humbled and I'm sick of myself already, may I stop?

I need you. Please, I need you. I need to be empty of me and full of you.

Just wisdom.

And thank you for your mercy.

I was never great at prayer. I don't think I need to be when we connect. Thank you for that, too.

I'm here because I overflow

Because even when I don't look for you, you're all I know

I look for songs and the next one that plays is ours

How did we go so wrong?

We're here now

And I get dizzy thinking of everything we used to be

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to wake up from this sickening dream

I want to tell you that I love you and never let you go

I want to forget we ever met

So that I might never know what it's like to have you

I want to take that back right away

My rage gets in the way of my feelings and my feelings get in the way of my mind

My mind can't handle my rage and you're stuck in my ribcage

You are water, I am land

That's why every time you hold my hand, I take you in

And though I love the taste of you and how you make me feel

Too much of you has nearly been the death of me

Still, I wait

As the shore waits for the waves

To taste you one more time and make you mine

And though the waves are fleeting

As land, I hold on to the pieces that bind with what I am

Until the sun comes to claim you

Unless you want to come inside

There are two rules for survival at this point

Go deep and come frequently

For as long as I am wet, you live inside of me

And if I dry, the sun may have us both

But it will have you first and for certain

While I can thrive from your demise as well and I will have ample time to find another source of life that compliments mine

There is no going back for you

Only to and fro, my sea

In this digital era, I am a ghost from the past.

I exist in paper, ashes, forgotten memories, and trauma

My digital trail is a collection of puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit together

My intentions are non-existent

My goals are evasive

My demise will be unperceived

My dust will be spread in the west

Please don't bottle me up

That's all I've done is bottle myself up in life

But not in death

Anything but that

But that's what they'll do

Because I'm already dead

I was never alive

Just playing tricks on your eyes

Nothing works without you and that's just the truth

I didn't know I was co-dependent until I took a step back and looked at my attachment to you

I thought I had overcome it, but here I am

Floating on air again, if only temporarily

Feeling the weight of everything we will never be

Letting the gratitude of what little we have carry me through my days because nothing else will.

Some of us will only ever know how to be angry properly

We won't learn about love or joy

Patience will be a foreign idea to us

Kindness will be a fairy tale

We'll be born from and out of anger

We'll perpetuate it

Because of our experiences, upbringing, or DNA

We won't know how to get by without anger

When we're not angry, we will subconsciously find a reason to become and stay angry

The best we can hope for is to learn how to channel that anger into positive productivity.

Personally, I like to sleep.

Her name was Marissa. Her boyfriend overdosed at school one time and I never grabbed another pair of boobs after hers. They were perfect. I needed no additional pair in my life after that. There was nothing else I could pursue in that department. To me, she was perfect. To her, all she saw was the mole on her cheek. I thought it was adorable. She thought it was fugly.

She slapped me one time. So I threw a Gatorade bottle at her and chipped her tooth. I probably shouldn't have done that, but she shouldn't have slapped me either. Maybe it was sexual tension. We made up and she still kissed me after that. It was her fault and she knew it. I never loved another girl after her. I never will. I've tried and broken a couple of hearts since her, so I've just given up on that altogether.

We were opposites in every single way. I was tall; she was short. I was fat; she was thin. I had curly hair; she had straight hair. I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. Even our zodiac signs are such that they are complete opposites - a virgo and a gemini. Imagine that.

I hang on to her for dear life. She is a symbol of my youth that I will only let go when it's time to go, but it's one of the memories that keeps me alive, if only ever so faintly.

I always said I'd find a way to be better than I'd ever been and I guess in a way, I am. I had other things in mind and while I still have time, I find myself counting the specs of sand in the hourglass sometimes.

Will I achieve an acceptable fraction of the things I set out to do?

Will I make it through another lifetime or two?

Did Marissa overcome her addictions and traumas?

Did she go to college?

Is she in prison?

Is she alive?

I hope she's alive.

I hope life didn't hit her as hard as it hit me. I hope it didn't change her as much as it changed me and I hope every change she's made has been for the better.

I wish I had something to say to her.

So I was dating this human once and they were like pretty cool and they became my muse or whatever, but then they like broke my heart and ever since then, it's just been like blah, you know? Woop! Look at the time. "You might think life would be a breeze."

Then this other time, this other human was stalking me, right? I mean, there's a couple of those, but this one was doing it so silently that I didn't know they were around when this happened and so then, when they finally worked up to saying something to me, they thought everything I was saying was about them and I was like, "Oh, honey."

We have to figure out whether things really are what we think they are or if we're twisting them some sort of way based on our own past experiences and traumas and let me tell you something: Imma get this down. "Gimme just a second and I'll be alright."

In case you have no idea where this is going, an attempt at reciprocating sentiments is in the works. And if you need it broken down, well, just hope there are puzzle pieces laying around. And if there are, hope you put the right ones together. And if you do, it'll all be clear as day. I'm so wordy today.