Only 4 days

1st day

We met, we talked, we kissed

we parted ways unknowing if we would meet again

2nd day

We meet again, we talk, we drink, we kiss

we part ways secretly hoping I will see you again

3rd day

We meet again, we talk, we drink, we kiss

I leave, knowing I will see you again

4th day

We meet again, we talk, we kiss

I spent the night...

I leave you with my heart, knowing that we will never meet again

It only took 4 days for me to fall in love, with the man that won't love me back.

You in the stars now

Not in her body

Not in her belly

Not in her womb

All that is left

Is your shadow haunting him

And your star being admired by her

Your presence never felt

Your scent never smelled

Your smile never seen

Your skin never touched

Him is all to blame

Tears formed never wasted

Smiles broken

Hearts crushed

For the shiny star burning bright

Is you smiling at us

"I am me."

"What am I supposed to do with this statement? Haven't I've been there for you?"

"I've been there for me. No one else has been there for me. Where were you those days I couldn't get out of bed, where the blankets would drown me with the guilt and pain from the outside world? Where were you when I blamed myself for everyone's problems? Or the days I barely could look at my mirror because I hated what stared back at me? Those days where I sit under the shower, while my thoughts yelled at me to end my life, because nothing was worth living for? Only to get up, wipe my tears and pretend like nothing happened?

"You looked happy; Remember all those sleepless nights, when we stood on the phone for hours. Those days where I had trouble understanding you, because you would speak like someone was chasing you? ALL those days where we stood outside and laughed for hours, they weren't real? I didn't know you were suffering... You never said anything."

"I looked happy? More like I pretended or bottled everything inside. All you saw was the manic in me the sleepless nights, the crazy thoughts. You never saw me for me! This is me, the girl who doesn't want to get ready, the girl who cries herself to sleep every single day. The girl with anxiety and depression, a girl diagnosed with Bipolar. THIS IS THE REAL ME. And I'm tired of hiding and pretending its exhausting. You won't be able to handle this, please leave me alone. Just like everyone does. Run away while you can. There isn't anything worth staying for.

"I am in love with you, the real you. I always been here for you, please don't push me away. I promise I'll be there for you. When your happy, when your sad. When you don't feel like being here, I will be the one to remind you that your life is worth fighting for, PLEASE!

IS THIS WHO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE? THERE IS NO WAY OUT.

"I am sorry, I will always love you. But I have made my choice, I can't continue to live in a world where I can't love myself and am buried in my sadness. I can't live in a world where they tell me it's all in my head, or to just snap out of it. I've been struggling for quite some time now; I've been dead for a while now, so I'll make it true, goodbye, I love you ---

she jumped,

"NO!"

he jumped

I was writing a letter, and in it I wrote. I can’t wait to go home. Home, mmh? Not my house, no that is not home. Not the town I live in that isn’t home either.

What is home?

Home is peaceful

Home is love

Home is warmth

Home is silent

Home is where I haven’t placed my 2 feet yet

Home is far away

Home is not in this planet

Every day I say I want to go home and yet I don’t know where it is, or when I will reach it.

Is it heaven?

Does it even exist?

One day I know, I will really just want to go home, and stay there

Where ever home is, I will find it one day. And I will be at peace, in love, in warmth, in my home!

Where is your home?

Dear jc

Last night, somehow, I got the courage to tell you exactly how I feel. That I somehow I grew feelings for you. What did you do? You ignored me, left me on delivered. I should have seen this coming. I should have never opened up my heart to you. I should have never gave you my body, I should I have never layed eyes on you.

But it’s too late. For now you know what I have been feeling this whole time but chose to stay quiet. I mustered the courage for no reason. If you don’t feel the same, you could have just told me. but why do I have to suffer.

I can just thank you now, cause you left me with a special gift, baby Ellie, she will grow up to be big and strong like you but she will not know who you are. Its your fault, because of your mistake, she will not know her father. But I promise I will tell her the man you are. The one everyone thinks you are, and the one who you actually are, the one that left me on delivered. Who hurt young me, for no reason.

Dear journal I write once again because when I muster the courage to say what I feel, I get left on delivered. At least here I am heard and acknowledged. And now with baby Ellie on the way I will become the better version of myself. For I will have to be both mother and father, all because I fell in love with a stupid man.

1003- the amount of times I tried to tell him how I felt

1003-the day baby ellie will be born

1003 - because this is all make believe

Why?

Just why?

I ask myself everyday if my Prince Charming or if my beast will ever arrive. I look out the window waiting for you to pass.

What if we gave it a try?

What if in this story we let each

other fall for one another?

What if you let me in your guarded

heart and I’ll let you in my broken

one

I get stuck in my words

when you look at me

I wanna open up and tell you how I feel

But would you listen?

Here I am mustering the courage to talk to you

But it’s not like the fairytales

I fell for you first, after I promised I wouldn’t

Is it me who always ends up hurt?

Or do they also feel the pain?

Why is it always love?

Why is it always on sided?

Why?

Why?

Why?

When will I stop asking why?

Is it when you finally decide to love me back?

But not just like the fairy tales.

Wake up, eat, sleep, repeat.

It was the world I lived in

I made my bed, and thought

I had to lay on it

No exact reason to continue

Still young to know what life is

But if you didn't give up

Why should I?

No motivation

All but words

Except knowing the pain, I will leave

As soon as my body hits the floor

I look out the window

To see new life forming

From the dirt to sky

This is the world I live in

Why shouldn't I try?

Tomorrow's pain is not today's

Today's Blessings are not tomorrow's

If it's worth a try

I will continue living

I wanted to die

But I guess I'll give it a try

If it's not for me, it's for you

And it's not for you but for me

Could I ask you something?

You might take it as a silly question but I for once REALLY need to know...

Could I ever fall in love?

Could I ever fee the same intense passion you shared with me?

Could I ever have my world stop all together - and see how time

slowly passes by and feel my heartbeat increase as how your heart starts racing

when you catch a glimpse of me?

Could you teach me how to love?

Could you show mw how to feel the emotion only a few share and many seek?

Could you explain to me why, your blood piles up in your cheeks and makes a blush

so natural when you see me smile.

Would you let me borrow those emotions for just day?

A day where I could feel the love you have for me as my own

where I could learn how to love you

It is not that I love someone else

It is I do not know how to love

That emotion must have skipped a generation entirely, it must have leaped over me

and I did not notice

Everyone talks about this wonderful feeling and how much pain you are in once

love is taken away in a sudden moment

Could you explain to me what a heart break is and why I must stay clear from it?

Could you tell me why all of a sudden, I wish to see you more and more?

Your image has been running circles in my mind all day and it has not cared to stop

Why is it that all I want in this moment is to catch a sniff of you walking into this

room, so my world could freeze

Or why all of a sudden did I get caught up in my words that I stutter when trying to

talk to you

My cheeks flush red, and butterflies start flapping in my belly when I catch a

glimpse of your presence

I want to shy away from you when I hear you speak, Knowing that every word that

comes out of your precious lips are wise

I feel as my heart starts to pound louder and louder when some decides to give you

a compliment

Is it possible?

I have now shared the same feelings you have been feeling this whole time?

Is it possible?

That now I understand what love is

Am I the fool that wants to know how it would feel to love you for one day?

Indeed, I am, it has now become my reality and the thoughts won't cease, of you

and me together alone

It’s if every other care in the world has left; as if there wasn’t any poverty, world

hunger, crimes and wars

As if all the people in this planet perished and we were all alone

Every time I see you, I think of a million and one ways on how the to break the love

that I somehow conquered towards you

I have not loved anyone, yet,

I learned how to love you

I know it will only last a couple hours because when I wake up from this dream and

face reality, I will NOT love you anymore

You will continue to love me and I would not reciprocate it

It is highly impossible for a person like me to ever love someone

And for that is my

Curse

In this world

I DID NOT WANT TO BE PART OF THIS CURSE, YET I HAVE RECEIVED

IT

UNLIKE FAIRYTALES THIS ONE cannot be broken with TRUE LOVES KISS,

since I cannot Love

When I wake up from this beautiful dream, I must silently say goodbye

Without a warning, I must leave this world being the MONSTER that I thought

you would become if I ever learned how to LOVE

I have now become that monster

As you predicted I must RIP and DESTROY your heart into pieces for I

CANNOT love you

Like you love me

I AM DEAD INSIDE AND NOW I WILL BE ON THE OUTSIDE AS WELL SOON…

THIS IS MY GOODBYE

TO YOU

MY

LOVE,

THE

LOVE

I OF

LOVE MY

YOU LIFE

Loving you is like building a snowman in the summer

It slowly melts away, and you're only left with the buttons, carrot and sticks

Representing the five senses we both shared together one day

Your touch

Your smell

Your taste

Your presence

Your voice

Leaving them as memories of the past

They are limited but are still left over, being the only thing, you couldn't take

Loving you is anticipating the pain a heart break brings

Since it's only one sided

Loving you, it's my destruction

Yet I choose to do so

Ina secret room

Where you will never enter

One day I will light it up

The next I will paint it

The following I will decorate it

It will have 2 comfy chairs

It will have a coffee table with 2 mugs resting on it

One full

The other empty

One chair occupied

The other abandoned

Since loving you is all I want in this life

I will be waiting for you in my secret room

That you will never enter

And I will watch as you move on

And I will break

It is my destiny

But I don't know if I want to try again...