The tide of fear thrushes through the cracks of my foundation

Spreading like wild fire through my mind

Breaking off pieces of my soul

Carrying it back to sea

My lungs fill with water

Gasping for air

I swallow my fears, my guilt

I choke,

Letting myself go

Trapped in a current

I feel myself be pulled down

I let myself go, I've found my peace

It suffocates my soul

wrapping it in fear and self hatred

It’s the unwelcomed guest that creeps up on me when I lay awake in bed

quarter after two.

It’s the shodaow of memories

that follows me through life

casting sorrow over my soul

fear, regrets and guilt

are wrapped up in your own self hatred

so carefully tucked away under my heart

the memories I cannot get rid of

no matter how many times I shake my head

the flash of images through my mind

that make me squeeze my eyes shut

hoping I can make them disappear

hell is the place we all sometimes call home

memories...

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out to find some sort of peace and hope, but all I see is fog. Not the misty fog that is transparent. The kind of fog that no matter how hard you try, you'll never see past it. I'm just completely and uterly lost. I used to think that my childhood was taken away from me too early, that I never got to be a child. Sadly I was wrong, here I am at the age of 22 and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, wishing I could go back to my non-childish childhood. To seek the warmth of my mothers cups of teas in the middle of the night while we whisper softly to eachother about the latest gossip in our family. The days when everything seemed so hard, but actually were days I wish I treasured more at the time. I still remember tthe winter days of 2012, we went through a sort of ''phase''. Every night, after much debate between me and my sister, one of us would sneak into the kitchen and make sweet english tea and jam sandwiches. I miss those days, sitting together, bundled up in blankets just talking. These days, I'm lucky to get a phone call from them. It's as though, all that we once were, all of the memories we shared, the cups of tea with soft laughs through the night didn't exist at all. It's like we are just starngers now asking about eachothers life but with no interest at all. It's more of a formality than anything else.

i us

I realized today, after years of depending on people to help fill my voids or even just for some simple comforting that no one, and I mean no one can help. It got me thinking that, in reality you know what people will say to you when you share your fears or sadness, because it's exactly what you would say to them. So, what is the point? There are never any words to help us. Even the closest of people, like your husband or wife, mother or father. I find myself in continuous situations when no one ever says the right thing to me, they just say what they think they need to say. I don't want that or need it, and I'm sure the majority of us don't. Why not just let me fucking talk about it and agree with me. Go along with what I say. Tell me it's right that I feel the way I do. Who wants to hear, it'll get better. Time heals itself. Don't you ever feel so tired of screaming at the top of your lungs but no one ever really hears what you're saying? So what's the point of wasting your breath? But then, you hold everything inside and you end up drowning in your thoughts gasping for your breath. A breath that you can never catch. You see? It's a vicious cycle. There's never a conclusion. I am my only solution.

I realized today, after years of depending on people to help fill my voids or even just for some simple comforting that no one, and I mean no one can help. It got me thinking that, in reality you know what people will say to you when you share your fears or sadness, because it's exactly what you would say to them. So, what is the point? There are never any words to help us. Even the closest of people, like your husband or wife, mother or father. I find myself in continuous situations when no one ever says the right thing to me, they just say what they think they need to say. I don't want that or need it, and I'm sure the majority of us don't. Why not just let me fucking talk about it and agree with me. Go along with what I say. Tell me it's right that I feel the way I do. Who wants to hear, it'll get better. Time heals itself. Don't you ever feel so tired of screaming at the top of your lungs but no one ever really hears what you're saying? So what's the point of wasting your breath? But then, you hold everything inside and you end up drowning in your thoughts gasping for your breath. A breath that you can never catch. You see? It's a vicious cycle. There's never a conclusion. I am my only solution.

The value of time is not always appreciated. It deprives us from so much but also having the pleasure to set us limits. 

As humans waiting on time can be the most agonizing thing to endure. Waiting for it to pull through, to pass by, doing such insignificant things just to ''kill the time'', the anticipation that it holds is like nothing else. Only when the waiting is over and we have finally beaten it, we find ourselves praying to the dimension, praying that the hour will go slow. making every moment count, ingraining precious memories from the minutes that have passed by. It causes a sadness like no other; knowing that we will never be able to relive those memories. 

Time. Something that we never have enough of for the precious times, yet something that does not end when you are alone in your room, staring at your ceiling wishing the seconds away.

Time, our only enemy. 

No one has to know what we plan to do 

when I can't keep my eyes off of you

I want to keep you all to myself

my only request is 

that you will always remember me

standing in a pretty dress

waiting for you

on the day we met

I beg you not to leave me

the secrets we hold

will be hard for you to forget

when I was tangled up 

around your legs

promise me 

you will see me again

even if it just is in pretend

I love you now

I'll love you then

and I will love you till the end