I don’t speak

Its been a tough week

It’s hard to speak up

So I sit here quietly, I won’t interrupt

I’m scared of what people think of me

And it gets so hard to breathe

I could be standing in a crowd, they could be saying nothing

But their presence is so loud it feels like they are judging

I can feel this fantasy rejection

And just like wifi, I’m losing connection

They blame it on society

That it is the reason I have Social Anxiety

But that’s not the matter

Because I feel as if I’m about to shatter

And that feeling of nervousness comes creeping quietly

Followed by the rest of my anxieties

I am a really nice person but whenever I think to say hello

My self-consciousness comes in, and its something I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow

And I see judgment in your eyes

My mind keeps producing these lies

And I’m on a steady decline

that I wish I could define

My voice I do not own

So I stand here alone

Choking on my words

While I watch my tiny world burn

And I swear

because of you

I’ve grown so much.

I don’t think, I could’ve

evolved, evolved this much

without your love.

there it goes, it’s happening, i cannot stop it, the feeling is too strong, please no... No NO NO... no tears, he will beat me if i cry, i mustn’t let him see my wet eyes. no tears.

shhhh don’t make a sound, yes your heart is broken, the pain it hurts, why does my heart hurt, i don’t understand, it won’t stop, it’s crushed, how do i stop it?

the tears are falling one by one until they are a river streaming down the mounds next to my frown.

shhhh don’t make a sound, not a sniffle not a sigh, smoother your face in a pillow. not a sound. he will beat you. you will want to die.

how can i smile, how can i turn this frown upside down?

i thought i would find love. it’s nowhere around. only

hate and fear can be found. it’s all around. where

is LOVE? he says he loves me, then beats me.

he says he loves me then cheats on me

leaves me for the other girl. he says

he loves me then he shows his

horns! he says he loves me.

but they are only

LIES!

Athena

I read once that anger is a sign of life.

I don't feel alive. Only a smidge of red going about. A couple of bloody lungs. I can't scream so I don't how to ask for you to hear me out. Listen. No, listen, listen.

I'm nothing, I'm falling apart. Everything I write sucks and everything I speak is mean spirited. Last night in a dream someone took me into a car and killed me. I woke up thinking please. Please.

there's a little universe I crafted,

after learning all your favourite shades,

and textures,

and all the smells that made you close your eyes to take them in,

I don't know what to do now,

with the lights I casted,

the lands and mountains I wove,

you don't need to exist here,

but leave something for the fireflies,

lay an eyelash to rest over a branch,

a teardrop on some pond,

if you ever come back i'll return everything,

i'll cut the flowers and bottle the bugs,

leave it as it was

They Call To Me

I descended from wolves. Ancient as mammoths. Fierce like the sabor toothes. My sinews shriek of survival.

This the title and opening line written by a Proser by the name of Stine.

I will and must admit, this was all I read, but her opening line sent me on a frenzy to search out what you are about to listen to.

and Stine ... when I finish, I will read yours. I promise.

Enjoy:

https://voicespice.com/Player.aspx?c=p&h=540BD35B&j=19EB88

*Inomata, is a Chinese word and has many definitions,

but for this piece it means observant.

* Saisei. is a Japanese word and has many definitions,

but for this piece it means a rebirth of life.

________

It has been documented that China and Japan

do not have the best relationship,

but things are improving.

All it takes is a little love.

~

starving

the soul

of

emotional need,

bandaging

wounds

without

stitching the vein,

transfusing

blood

before

stopping the bleed –

might as

well

light a match

in the down-pour

of

pain.

Finally after twenty two plus years of marriage,

a husband (namely yours truly -

hitherto known as Matthew Scott Harris)

exhibits glint of care and concern

toward his significant other,

which wife bemoaned

absent expressions of love

particularly before the honeymoon even occurred.

I readily admit shying away

from emotional intimacy,

especially toward the gal

whose pledge I trothed

July twenty fifth nineteen ninety six,

(fifteen days hence)

yet even formative years (mine)

scant overtures displayed

toward me father, mother,

plus older and younger sister

(neither non twisted).

A strong suspicion predominates

neurological, psychological, and social

perturbations commingled

while said christened goodfella

developed in utero,

whereat genetic quarks

sparked, manifested, and engendered

unforeseen grievous hardship

severely, inexplicably, and figuratively

dislocated, truncated, and uprooted

his promising, (albeit

short lived) blissful boyhood,

which happy go lucky

preschool years abruptly

analogously came to crashing halt

soon after setting foot into first grade.

Impossible mission

to tease out telltale explanation(s)

only thru courtesy 20/20 hindsight

can hypothesis be formulated

regarding congenital chromosomal

cellular discrepancy birthing

what appeared a healthy baby

though prone to wailing

without rhyme nor reason,

especially if held

by any person except mother.

At a tender age behavioral blitzkrieg

rent asunder tenuous connections

shattering nascent aggregation

to allow, enable, and provide

healthy interpersonal development

unbeknownst what molecular processes

kickstarted, pronounced, triggered...

wayward son to recoil against humanity

(think how like magnetic poles repel each other).

Most all mein kampf scant communication

brokered never establishing linkedin bonds,

nor fostering emotional intimacy

despite witnessing overt caring

among parents who begat me

or siblings, who exuded

natural propensity to comfort each other.

Something so primal as to elicit

heartfelt sympathy I lacked

which aloofness generated offensiveness

essentially buttressed (with flying colors)

hermetically sealed existence (mine)

nsync livingsocial within alien nation.

Many of you are in for a ride. You’ve been on several rides but now you are tall enough to get on the biggest roller coaster of your life. This one is faster than you’ve ever experienced.

You will not be able to repress how this ride affects you. Your eyes will widen as you grip the bars and your heart pounds. There will be interference of gravitational influence. You will be disillusioned by a false obligation forcing you closer to others only to be sucked away again. You voluntarily put yourself on this ride, waiting in a line and paying for the loss of self direction. You fly like a DNA helix on steroids. You sense the depolarization of earth!

You feel the slow upward ascension while you hear the clicking landmarks of your experiences, with the knowing you’re not sure how going over the top is going to feel. Stuck to the back of your seat, you hope it will be exhilarating.

Well my fellow humans, you got on the ride. You paid for an escape from your lonliness in the form of this temporary high.

You peak at the highest point. You see the people on the earth below and the generation before is nervously watching. Some of them just don’t care.

You see conflict, lies, unjustified hatred, selfishness, desecration and cruelty. You realize you have been subjected to these things throughout your life. You remember the golden bright lights shining from the hearts of some of the people you have met. You are very high for seconds before the earth begins to rumble and shake.

Horrified you see that the rales securing your car are slipping off their tracks as the earth quakes.

You cry out for God to save you.

You witness collapse beneath you as you realize you do not have wings to fly and even if you did, you are strapped in. Hellish screams, sparks and crackling metal surround you.

You followed the crowd. You gave away your autonomy. You, the bird attracted to the bling, wanted to belong to something. You were “along for the ride” without understanding or having any regard of the core mission of what you have allowed yourself to be a part of.

After burns, dismemberment, severe pain and last thoughts, your body dies.

You are tall enough to ride. You are not a child any longer. Life is a roller coaster. You alone decide who you ride with and how great or not so great it is going to be.