The air was absolutely motionless, every step I took felt like wading through a wave pool, and the silence echoed through my head, enough so that my own thoughts sounded like screams. It spoke to my nerves in a way that had me so tightly wound I was practically its puppet. I felt the fear roll up my spine over my shoulders and through the back of my neck, it paralyzed me in the same way free-falling does, I could move forward but I lacked any breath, I gets stopped at my throat.

It's looking back on all the memories of us, all the pictures flashing through my head, and remembering all the times we laughed together, smiled together, and all the times we would just 'be' together. It's remembering every night when we would eat dinner, and before the actual eating when it'd be an hour long debate of what to eat that particular night, and everytime we went to the subway by the house and the one girl that was always working had our orders down by heart. It's a silent knife in the side that comes with the memories of us when I start seeing billboards for the Lavender festival, whever I drive by the harkins in the mall, and everytime I see a neon estate sale sign. It's you coming out to the garage where I'd always sit on that little short stool whenever we'd fight and our too calm to be normal talks afterwards. It's me sitting on the floor in the spare bedroom of my moms house, surrounded by all my stuff in boxes needing to get unpacked, and not being able to get anything done because I couldn't stop crying. It's waiting around to see if you'd reach out and being ecstatic to receive any kind of text from you at all. It's that boulder felt drop from my throat to gut when I found out you were moving on while I was still stuck on the time when you said you still loved me but you just didn't know how to fix it and maybe we just needed time apart. It hurts. It's ignoring your happy birthday text 3 months later, and being short with you 2 weeks later when you wanted to reach out. It's bitter and cold and why do I still want it back?

I left a part of me with you and I'm still searching for a way to get it back.

It's grieving the loss of us and that part of me that gre next to you.

In the beginning

it's always great.

It's different this time.

This one's all butterflies,

stargazing, and late-night

deep emotional conversations.

Then it's one angry outburst,

but it's an isolated incident!

He's really sorry, and swears

it'll never happen again.

"I just love you so much and

I can't imagine losing you."

He's damaged,

but he's working on himself!

He has trust issues,

but he's just looking

for a good therapist.

He's going through

my phone and reading

texts from months before

we even met eachother.

But it's just to help

calm his anxiety.

I know when to get out

of a toxic situation.

Hes showing up at my

house at 3 in the a.m.

He was listening to my

phone call from outside

my open window.

Another even angrier,

more dramatic outburst.

Two days later, there's another.

Maybe I need to set some

very firm clear boundaries.

"Can we talk?"

This is not okay,

I have a right to privacy.

Well what're you hiding?

I'm like this because you

don't know how to communicate.

Well sorry I can't be like

your ex that you still love.

This has already gone too far.

I let too much slide,

for my mental healths sake,

I can't do this anymore.

We need to go our seperate ways.

Why am I being punished?

If you loved me you wouldn't

do this to me, to us!

I thought you cared about me?

You are my true soulmate,

I'll never love anyone ever again!

Maybe I'd be better off dead!

I won't give in,

I won't give in.

Stand your ground,

you've been through

this all before,

you know how

this story goes.

He's not going to change,

and it's not my fault.

His reactions are not

my responsibility,

but my own actions are,

my mental well-being is.

Say Goodbye.

...

To an inexperienced empath,

it is their fault,

what they said, or did,

the actions they took,

the feelings they felt-

this is why this person is upset,

so they feel obligated to fix it.

Narcissists will exploit a kind heart.

They will lie, twist things you say,

play the victim, guilt trip you,

threaten their own or your safety.

They work in patterns,

if you catch it early on

you will save yourself

so much mental anguish.

Don't ignore the signs,

if there are red flags,

do not hesitate to leave.

You shouldn't have to

explain or justify their actions.

You're only responsibility is yourself.

https://theprose.com/dominospice

#abusive

You know the worst part of giving something, or rather someone, your all is the immense amount of backtracking that you have to do afterwards.

You spend a significant amount of time with someone and you are bound to grow with them along the way. Then you're suddenly ripped out of the flower bed and it's over and you're crying and crying and just cannot stop crying.

You really have to start from scratch; you relearn everything, the things you grew from, but this time you do it alone.

After that you look for the lesson in your agony; you think about all the things you wish you did differently, remember all the times you were wrong and let your ego get in the way, and realize all the things you took for granted.

You miss them

Then it hits you again

All the things that you'll never get to be a part of again, all the things you'll never get the chance to do together, and the amazing people you won't get to see again.

You backtrack and you just have to relive the last year and a half without the best part of it there next to you.

I wish we could go back, back to the time in both of our lives where we needed eachother and we were there for eachother. Back when we were so close that nothing could drive us apart: not the distance, not the landlord, not even when we had to sleep on a bunch of blankets on the floor in your parents living room.

It hurts because I want it back, all of it, the good and the bad. I spent months hoping you would come back but now that you finally did, I don't know if I can do this. I fell apart when you left and now I can't get the fear out of my head, I dont want to get hurt and I don't know if you'll stick around like you say you will.

Trust is an easy thing to break but a hard thing to repair.

Cold, dry, calloused at the finger tips from strumming your guitar. My hand felt so small interwined with yours; I still remember the shape of your hand and how you held mine so tight. I can still feel it some days, the bad days, when all I can do is think about how I regret losing you. If I shut my eyes sometimes it'll bring me back and I can make out your knuckles and every crease in your palm.

I still love you, and I miss you.