I sniffle as the wind dries my tears. Sitting on this cold balcony twenty feet high was not where I was meant to be. Not today, of all days.

I turn to look at my handcuffed wrist. How could he just leave me? How could he possibly be okay? It makes no sense. To me, at least.

He knew today was our special day. That's why I thought he flew me out here. Why was I dumb enough to trust him?

I never saw this coming, honestly. He was always there for me, he was always protective of me, and kind. But most of all, he was always... mine.

I'm not a crier. He was always the more sensitive one, crying during movies. Especially the Disney ones. We would watch one the first Saturday of every month, eating tacos in place of popcorn.

We have done our weekly ritual since we were twelve, back when he had braces. It sort of became tradition to substitute the popcorn.

The thought makes me laugh a little. He always hated his braces. He felt like everyone looked at him in disgust, even though half our grade was stuck in the same predicament.

I was the lucky one I suppose. Never had braces, or acne. He suffered both. Didn't get his first girlfriend until junior year. Rian Treilley. Drop dead gorgeous. She never showed it off though. Apparently, she only dressed nice outside of school. One of those "too good for high school" types. I always thought we were cool, but after the breakup he broke it to me.

Turns out she was crazy, tried to cut my breaks or something. He didn't go into much detail, but I figured that's why they broke up.

Always looking out for me, that one. Well, he used to at least.

I frown at the city down below. Everyone was too busy to notice me up here, handcuffed to the balcony. Figures. Too high up to get help and stop him. It's too late now anyway. I've been here for an hour so he must be long gone.

I still can't fully comprehend what possessed him to leave me like this, taking my whole life with him. He took my girlfriend, who I was sure was fully gay, but obviously I missed a lot of things.

He stole my job, which I guess is my fault. It was my idea to work together, though in my defense I hadn't the slightest idea he hated me.

He took my dog, gave my favorite dress to my ex. The list simply goes on and on. But why he had to do this today of all days I will never understand.

Brothers are expected to be mean to their sisters, but up until now, he's never done anything to purposefully hurt me. Not in our entire lives.

But perhaps that's why. Maybe he felt he owed me this in response to him being the perfect brother.

Of course, the only thing wrong with that theory is that it's ludicrous. I've sat here considering many reasons why, but that has to be the dumbest one I've come up with.

Our parents died when we were young, or so we were told. I have personally never seen any record of this, so I am reluctant to believe that story. I realize this is quite delusional of me, but I don't care. I thrive in my denial.

My brother has always taken care of me. So why did he stop?

I mean, he got me that job so we could work together. My dog was a gift he gave me on Christmas our sophomore year of high school. He was the one who set me up on that date with my girlfriend who he stole.

It's almost like he set up my life just to take it away. It's like he wants me to be alone.

My two best friends died three months ago in a bus accident. Social workers disapproved my adoption application two days ago. My girlfriend dumped me... I mean, his timing literally could not be worse.

I haven't cried in so long. Not when my friends died, or when the adoption didn't work out. Not when I found out my girlfriend of three years (who broke up with me not even two weeks ago) left me.

She was the one who actually put the cuffs on me. She was the one who left me here an hour ago. All he did was stare at me with tears in his eyes. She told me this was what he wanted.

It didn't sound like him, but then again none of this does.

He let me get away with so much as a kid. On our thirteenth birthday I had accidentally blown out both of our candles and he smiled saying, he was going to give me his wish anyway. I knew he was lying but I let it ring true to block out the guilt.

Guilt is a funny thing you know. It's why we lie to ourselves, to others. It's why I'm on this balcony, unable to leave, unable to stop him.

I squeeze the phone in my hand contemplating whether to throw it or not. All I'm really doing is waiting for that call. The call I know is going to come, with words I don't want to hear. And yet, I wait.

For what I don't know. There will be no relief. It's what I wish for though.

Too bad he left before we could blow out any candles.

He did give me a cupcake. Chocolate. I hate chocolate. As does my brother. We always swore never to have it on our birthday.

Chocolate is for funerals.

I only got to see him for about five minutes. He looked at me and said, "I'm gonna miss you."

Then, before I could respond a bag was thrown over my head. A bit dramatic, but I suppose I wouldn't have left voluntarily. Not If I knew what he was going to do.

I didn't really know until he took me inside our unfurnished, unoccupied childhood apartment and there was nothing in there but a single chocolate cupcake sitting on the balcony.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes, ignoring my ex handcuffing one of my wrists. "Where's yours?"

He looked down in guilt. "I don't need one. I'm going by myself."

It was then that I put up a fight. He couldn't leave without me. He couldn't leave me alone, not like this.

My ex dragged me to the far side of the room. The balcony.

I looked back to see him crying. What did he have to be sad about? He chose this!

He knew the rules. You don't leave your twin behind. Not ever.

And yet, some things had proven to be more important than that.

My phone starts buzzing in my hand. I don't recognize the number, but I know who it is.

I wait a second before I answer.

"Hello?" I sniff.

" Michelle Seiler?"

"Yes," I mumble.

"This is Saint General Hospital. We're calling in regard to your brother, he's..."

"I know," I whisper, Then hang up.

I look over at my cupcake. I pick it up, slowly unwrapping.

My brother's last cruel joke. I take a bite and a bitter taste meets my tongue. I smile.

He didn't leave me after all.

I sniffle as the wind dries my tears. Sitting on this cold balcony twenty feet high was not where I was meant to be. Not today, of all days.

I turn to look at my handcuffed wrist. How could he just leave me? How could he possibly be okay? It makes no sense. To me, at least.

He knew today was our special day. That's why I thought he flew me out here. Why was I dumb enough to trust him?

I never saw this coming, honestly. He was always there for me, he was always protective of me, and kind. But most of all, he was always... mine.

I'm not a crier. He was always the more sensitive one, crying during movies. Especially the Disney ones. We would watch one the first Saturday of every month, eating tacos in place of popcorn.

We have done our weekly ritual since we were twelve, back when he had braces. It sort of became tradition to substitute the popcorn.

The thought makes me laugh a little. He always hated his braces. He felt like everyone looked at him in disgust, even though half our grade was stuck in the same predicament.

I was the lucky one I suppose. Never had braces, or acne. He suffered both. Didn't get his first girlfriend until junior year. Rian Treilley. Drop dead gorgeous. She never showed it though. Apparently, she only dressed nice outside of school. One of those "too good for high school" types. I always thought we were cool, but after the breakup he broke it to me.

Turns out she was crazy, tried to cut my breaks or something. He didn't go into much detail, but I figured that's why they broke up.

Always looking out for me, that one. Well, he used to at least.

I frown at the city down below. Everyone was too busy to notice me up here, handcuffed to the balcony. Figures. Too high up to get help and stop him. It's too late now anyway. I've been here for an hour so he must be long gone.

I still can't fully comprehend what possessed him to leave me like this, taking my whole life with him. He took my girlfriend, who I was sure was fully gay, but obviously I missed a lot of things.

He stole my job, which I guess is my fault. It was my idea to work together, though in my defense I hadn't the slightest Idea he hated me.

He took my dog, gave my favorite dress to my ex. The list simply goes on and on. But why he had to do this today of all days I will never understand.

Brothers are supposed to be mean to their sisters, but up until now, he's never done anything to purposefully hurt me. Not in our entire lives.

But... maybe that's why. Maybe he felt he owed me this in response to him being the perfect brother.

Of course, the only thing wrong with that theory is that it's ludicrous. I've sat here considering many reasons why, but that has to be the dumbest one I've come up with.

Our parents died when we were young, or so we were told. I have personally never seen any record of this so I am reluctant to believe that story. I realize this is quite delusional of me but I don't care. I thrive in my denial.

My brother has always taken care of me. So why did he stop?

I mean, he got me that job so we could work together. My dog was a gift he gave me on Christmas sophomore year. He was the one who set me up on that date with my girlfriend who he stole.

It's almost like he set up my life just to take it away. It's like he wants me to be alone.

My two best friends died three months ago in a bus accident. Social workers disapproved my adoption application. My girlfriend dumped me... I mean, his timing literally could not be worse.

I haven't cried in so long. Not when my friends died, or when the adoption didn't work out. Not when I found out my ex (who broke up with me not even two weeks ago) left me. Three years down the drain.

She was the one who actually put the cuffs on me. She was the one who left me here an hour ago. All he did was stare at me with tears in his eyes. She told me this was what he wanted.

It didn't sound like him, but then again none of this does.

He let me get away with so much as a kid. On our thirteenth birthday I had accidentally blown out both of our candles and he smiled saying, he was going to give me his wish anyway. I knew he was lying but I let it ring true to block out the guilt.

Guilt is a funny thing you know. It's why we lie to ourselves, to others. It's why I'm on this balcony, unable to leave, unable to stop him.

I squeeze the phone in my hand contemplating whether to throw it or not. All I'm really doing is waiting for that call. The call I know is going to come, with words I don't want to hear. And yet, I wait.

For what I don't know. There will be no relief. It's what I wish for though.

Too bad he left before we could blow out any candles.

He did give me a cupcake. Chocolate. I hate chocolate. We always swore never to have it for our birthday.

Chocolate is for funerals.

I only got to see him for about five minutes. He looked at me and said, "I'm gonna miss you."

Then, before I could respond a bag was thrown over my head. A bit dramatic, but I suppose I wouldn't have left voluntarily. Not If I knew what he was going to do.

I didn't really know until he took me inside our childhood apartment and there was nothing in there but a single chocolate cupcake.

I turned to him with tears in my eyes, ignoring my ex handcuffing one of my wrists. "Where's yours?"

He looked down in guilt. "I don't need one. I'm going by myself."

It was then that I put up a fight. He couldn't leave without me. He couldn't leave me alone, not like this.

My ex dragged me to the far side of the room. The balcony.

I looked back to see him crying. What did he have to be sad about? He chose this!

We were twins, and you don't leave your twin. Not ever.

And yet, some things had proven to be more important than me.

My phone starts buzzing in my hand. I don't recognize the number, but I know who it is.

I wait a second before I answer.

"Hello?" I sniff.

" Michelle Seiler?"

"Yes," I mumble.

"Your brother, he's..."

"I know," I whisper, then hang up.

I look over at my cupcake. I pick it up, slowly unwrapping. I take a bite and a bitter taste meets my tongue.

I smile. He didn't leave me after all.

The sound of feet beckons me,

But throws me forward all the same.

Smelling things I cannot see,

Dreading the coming rain.

As panthera is to it’s prey,

I am to my form.

Voices guiding my way,

Although I’m gladly forlorn.

Distraction is a simple treat,

My imagination supple.

I recognize them as we meet,

Finding comfort in our bubble.

Tears and sweat create my sea,

But still the sound of feet beckons me.

The birds wake me in song,

the sky wakes me in light.

The air wakes me with a chill,

my bladder wakes me at night.

Who wakes the birds to sing their song?

Who wakes the sky to light up the world?

Who gives the air the life that it needs?

With nothing to drink, why must I pee?

I'm not looking for an answer,

I simply like the questions.

just how the birds like their song,

and the tune that its left in.

Who am I to question emotions? Who am I to question what I feel? Who am I to throw away emotions I don't like? Who am I to turn it all off?

I don't know.

But I do it anyway. Anger helps no one. Give me a second, and it's gone. Sadness is weak. Takes a little longer but I sweep it under just fine. Regret doesn't even exist here.

That leaves happiness and fear. They fill up the empty space. I'm always too happy or too scared. But I'm not really. That's how I react with all I've left myself. Is empty fear a thing? Empty joy? I'm not pretending, but it's not true either.

She told me she had time enough and time, I did believe, was what she was referring to which is how this came to be.

He looked in my eyes for more than a mile which sense it doesn't make,

but tossing time right out the door, sense isn't what this takes.

Time, oh time, oh time again is knocking on her door. And as she screams it bangs and bangs while spilling on the floor.

I ran a mile, a mile fast but missed the giant still.

(The giant is the blue boy who's eyes ran down the hill)

No sense I'm making , no sense at all, for which we don't have time,

but then. Oh then! He poked my stomach,his touch tickled my spine.

She started pacing back and forth as it crashed against her door,

And not knowing how to proceed, she sat down on the floor.

I entered through her window, hoping to find a plan,

but instead the room was empty and the door was leaking sand.

I lie down on the floor knowing she was simply stress.

And as time keeps banging at my door I know my mind's a mess.

I'll un-pollute your skies, and Quiet your once silent nights.

I'll light up your dark, I'll be a friend.

I'll clean your waters, I'll find your smile.

I'll ask if you're okay.

And when I can once again see rolling hills and blooming buds,

and once your laughter fills the air,

I'll need no thanks for saving you.

I don't want you, I don't love you, and yet you make me cry.

With all the things you've thrown away, my feelings simplified.

Analyze my words, my tears, my smile from day to day,

Each one begins to disappear when you come my way.

I despise your existence as you make me despise mine,

I quickly unravel, where goes the time?

All this and that and scars aside,

maybe if you loved me I'd actually be fine.

Maybe if when I was sad you actually cared,

or you would meet me halfway when I said that you scared me...

But you beat me and screamed and tinted my skin,

I was stuck in a corner because you pushed me in!

I fell deeper and deeper into the hole, the endless abyss

I reached for a ledge but each time I missed.

I don't want you to touch me, yet I long for a hug;

I don't love you, but I long for your love.

No, I can't love you, the listed causes as far as one can see.

No, I don't love you, but why can't you love me?

I wish she would smile more often.

That she was less sad and less blue.

I wish that she was less lonely.

And of course, by she, I mean you.

I wish you made better decisions.

That you knew how to say what you mean.

I wish you weren’t so impulsive.

And of course, by you, I mean me.

I wish they all didn’t hate me.

I wish they all wouldn’t yell.

I am so angry at me,

But by me do I mean myself?