I can't help but to transfix my gaze

Even if only from the corner of my eye

From the shiny glass of a grocery store window

Or a moment's pause in a hallway mirror

Before you go out to face the world

I see you in three-dimensions

Rainbows bouncing off of curve and bone

And every angle is beautiful

The broken parts and those that have mended

Your strength - of body, yes - but also heart and conviction

I see when you are spent, which seems more often now

And love you still, because of and in spite of it.

I wish you could see me the way that I see you

But too often you look my way with loathing

The best days, I think, are when you don't look at me all

Because in those moments at least there is hope

That maybe you realize you are something

Beyond the flesh and freckles and folds

~Something of value~

And you may think me silly,

But every now and then I entertain the thought

That I will one day meet your eyes with a smile

And a knowing that we feel the same for one another

At last

Admiration, understanding and, above all, love

But I would be lying if I didn't tell you

That it's been 35 years and I am growing weary

How long can my love go unanswered

Before it becomes too hard to bare and

I am gone for good?

I didn't ask you to call me -

but you did. Every night. At any hour - 1 am. 2 am. 3 am. You had no boundaries.

When I was with friends - at sleepovers - on trips - doing homework - sound asleep - you expected that I was available.

And, foolishly, I made myself available.

We learned to drive. Your car was parked in front of my house more and more. No matter who was over, you were there too, with your kidding insults, eager to make me doubt myself. And our phone calls lengthened. Your closing line became "I love you."

Did you notice that I didn't say it back?

I didn't know what you meant. You confused me, daily. "I can't risk losing you by dating you." You said it more than once, as you dug into more and more depth of who I was, asking for more and more of my trust, making yourself continually present (whether audibly or visually) in my world. These words were the most incomprehensible paradox. You were dating me, but without a label! Without that label, you were free to date date others, but my heart was yours.

Your mom saw it. She warned, "don't trust" - I didn't listen. Instead, I longed.

Idiotically, I ignored the wisdom of friends and family and clung to your words as a promise for the future - "I love you."

I shrugged off the pursuits of new men who liked me, who wanted to know me, as I waited for you. And waited, even when I knew I shouldn't wait. I was a simpleton. A ninny. A chump.

I tried to escape you. I asked someone else to prom, only to find you buried under a heap of red and black balloons, asking me to be your date. Like a dunce, I uninvited him and went with you . . . unsurprised when you left that night with another girl's number. But I was still yours.

I put over 1600 miles between us with my college choice. You still called - I couldn't escape your audible presence. I ran further, trying to quiet you, so I could hear my own thoughts and discover my own dreams. This time, nearly 6,000 miles and a seven hour time difference. And you still called, for three years. While I had the wisdom to flee, I didn't have the desire to click decline. So, just as i'd opened the door to my house, and my heart, I clicked "accept." I had so much hope; you fed that hope, and I believed you. I'm a dope.

Ten years later, you told me you'd met her, that you were proposing. I listened, feeling the tsunami-like tides of emotions, frustrations, confusions. Fueled by passion, I did it:

"Do not call me, ever again." "Will you tell me when I'm ready?" "I won't be." Click.

I meant those words. Other than a wedding invitation, I never heard from you again.

Did you notice that in the end, you lost me?

Almost ten years later, trust has regrown. I changed my name. I'm having his child. It took all that time to heal.

loving someone is the ups and downs

of hopes and disappointments

for I can love you to the point

where it seems that everything you do

is giving that love back to me

but then you call me a friend

and I am back

sinking in a deep

black

hole

I can't love

someone you loathe.

You spend hours

talking not to me

but engrossed in constant tunneling self-chatter

you are not enough

you are ugly stupid nothing compared to all the rest.

I can't love you

because I can't compete.

My one "I love you"

holds no weight

against all the "I hate myselfs"

you addictively indulge in night and day.

I don't want you, I don't love you, and yet you make me cry.

With all the things you've thrown away, my feelings simplified.

Analyze my words, my tears, my smile from day to day,

Each one begins to disappear when you come my way.

I despise your existence as you make me despise mine,

I quickly unravel, where goes the time?

All this and that and scars aside,

maybe if you loved me I'd actually be fine.

Maybe if when I was sad you actually cared,

or you would meet me halfway when I said that you scared me...

But you beat me and screamed and tinted my skin,

I was stuck in a corner because you pushed me in!

I fell deeper and deeper into the hole, the endless abyss

I reached for a ledge but each time I missed.

I don't want you to touch me, yet I long for a hug;

I don't love you, but I long for your love.

No, I can't love you, the listed causes as far as one can see.

No, I don't love you, but why can't you love me?

You.

It's always been you.

Even when it all goes wrong,

And I cannot not think it through.

I swear.

Sometimes, I can't control my mind.

But I can say that there is something.

It is better feeling something than nothing.

The feeling of rejection renews itself every waking moment. Emotions of affection with only your name written on them feel like undelivered mail, stuffed and forgotten, albeit valuable. Why can't I shake off this feeling of unfulfillment that remains heavily anchored at the bottom of my heart?

I don't think you understand

I love her more than anything

I love her in such a unique and special way

My love can never be copied or stolen

I love her like the Moon loves the Sun

Admiring from afar

Not able to kiss, Not able to touch

I love her like the shore loves the ocean

Waiting day and night for her return

But in the same way that the Sun will never return the Moon's affections

And the same way that the Ocean leaves and comes back and then leaves once more

She does not love me

She does not sit and write poems about me as I do for her right now

She does not admire from a far, hoping to catch a glance

She does not anticipate my return

And I realize only now

Only in writing this

I need to give her up

Do you remember when you were the only one I chased?

I thought we could be forever, but you had a girlfriend

So I backed off, I gave you space

But then you said that it was too much

So how much is enough?

If I can't be near enough to feel these things, but I'm too far when I don't

What more do you want from me?

Then you said you were ready, and I jumped at the chance to be yours

But now that we're over, I realize

I realize that I shouldn't have waited for you

I should have been enough from the start, or I never would be

My fatal flaw, was how much I loved you

And the only thing I ever questioned was;

Why can't you love me?