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Dancing on All Hallows’ Eve
Leaves falling fast
Summer's gone, we must dash
Bring your friends and hide your stash
Set a'drift and hoist your mast
Winter's nigh, the fire's cast
Snow is falling in a flash
Teeth of wolves begin to gnash
Halloween's begun at last
Fairies, globlins gather near
Its time to fill these woods with fear
Twisting, whisling, dancing rain
Thunder fills the woods with pain
Witches, its time to cast your sphear
Hide and fear, the ghosts are here
Silence
if silence had a scent, it would smell like love
It would be tangy and bright
it would be souless and hollow
it would be a warning of the horror to come
it would be a refuge for those in pain
and the grief of those who have lost more than they can take
it would be the mountain we cannot climb
and the river we cannot swim
it would impassable, indestructable and valiant
it would be the essence of what it means to be brave
to sit and watch once the world has disapeared
and still, somehow, find your place
it would smell like a flower's dew and freshness of the air after a storm
it would be as vitorious as summer's rain
and cold as icey snow
it would be everything,
and it would consume
if sound had a name it would be fear
and silence would be the fear
of knowing that what once was,
is no longer near
Guilt
Can't imagine why I would sleep
when guilt is creeping up on me.
Shadow demons stare me down, crippling anxiety watches me frown.
Problem fixed with electronic clicks,
I fell broken, old with parts amiss
Cracking slowly under glass
I wonder how longer this can last
Breaking, crumbling, giving in
hammer thin but mind is grim
Hope is gone for all but me
Staring silently into man's dark deeds
Ramblings of my brain
Frozen
An icy touch of death
a moment of indecision
paralyzed in every way
anxiety creeping up inside of me
am I going to be ok?
Frozen,
its just another night.
Frozen,
Can I see the light?
I sit at my bed
inside of my head
fear
betrayal
help,
I said.
But that was long ago.
I have come far along this road.
The one that leads to hours of sleep
Desperate staring, silence glaring.
Can't get up
Can't take a bath.
My mind tells my arm to move
but I can't do that.
I'm frozen
in inescapable fear
my body and mind seize
my heart upon a brease
clouds cross the sky
time is ticking by
but I cannot move a mussel
in my mind I struggle
tick tock goes the clock
creeping toward the end
1 hour
2 hours
3 hours
4
here I am, staring at the floor.
No one else is around
I should feel safe
but endless insecurities are grinding at my gates
A new day rises
I haven't slept a wink
Didn't move a mussel
but never did I sleep.
I take my meds at seven am.
for five minutes, I sleep
Night time meds
Seven am was when I finally went to bed
Frozen
out of control
I sit at the mirror and watch my tragedy unfold
meaningless words are written on a page
PTSD, psychology, no one can help
no one can help me
four years I've tried and tried again
four hours I spent, staring at my bed
willing myself to move
the tragedy ensues
Coffee, medicine, skipping days of school
anxiety, therapy and still I stare at you.
I stare at night, sitting in my bed
I cannot get your image out of my head
I can't forget your touch:
wrinkled, worn and cold
A tragedy that happened years ago continues to unfold
I'm told
I'm told
it continues to unfold
can't wait
can't wait
yet you froze me here in place
four days
four years
four times I wished you'd never been here
yet here you are
knocking at my door
go away
I can't handle you anymore.
Not anymore
Not anymore
I can't handle you anymore
Circles
Circles
run my brain
slowly decay
slowly decay
frozen in place
I stare at your face
I’m gonna be honest
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm laying in bed, writing on my phone
but it all seems fake; a glorious oversimplification of life
none of it seems real
Except, maybe, this.
Unsure, I second guess every step
every sentence stem
every choice in plot.
The one thing I do know is that I love stories.
While writing I think of myths from long ago. I wonder what happened to the mermaid cursed to roam the sea or the daughter who lost everything. I wonder if I'm the villain. I think I wouldn't mind it. There's a sense of freedom to the notion of doing what you want, but I'm not. I'm still that shy little thing that can't stand up for itself. I'm the weird little miscreant; the one everyone likes. I'm always laughing while dying on the inside, hoping someone sees the mask, wanting someone to notice I'm in pain but not daring to break the mold.
I’m okay--a short story
Someone asked me if I was ok. "Yeah, I'm fine." I answer, knowing it wasn't true, but what could he do? Talk? Like fuck was I talking to him. Nothing, he could do nothing. That was the answer. He asked again, "Wren, are you sure you're ok?"
I laughed and gave a crazy eyed smile, "Yeah, I'm fine." My mother is crazy and I can't get away from her. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but what would it do? Nothing, it would do nothing. I sit back down at my desk. My necklaces are bothering me. I take them off. I crush the charms under my hands. Wincing, I let go. That leaf always stabs me. At least I can focus now. I look down at the paper thin, coper leaf. It is bent. For what seems like the thousandth time I reach my fingers out to unbend it.
Depression touches my soul. No mater how many times you straiten your life out it always gets bent. I know it isn't true, but I remember how many times I've tried to help things get better and wonder if it ever truly works. Or, am I just like this leaf: bendable, breakable, broken.
All I want is to sit at a table and drink tea. To watch the birds go by and know that I am free to spread my wings. I want to feel safe enough to uncurl from my mental ball. I don't want to be scared to say I'm not OK. I don't want to feel like its pointless, like everything will stay the same. Every time I look up I see another day, and another set of rain.
I wish it didn't have to be that way.
Out-loud, I hear myself saying, yet again, "I'm okay."
I look up. I remind myself that at least I'm not dead. That will have to be enough to be ok.
Today is the day (Trigger warning: suicide)
Today, what seems like a hundred years ago, I lost my life
and started a new one.
I was close to ending it all.
I was looking for a gun.
I was looking for a way out of the hell hole I was in.
I wanted to kill, and not just me.
I wanted to hurt everybody who had brought me to this place.
I felt hopeful, fighting might be worth it.
I wanted to get out.
I didn't get out,
not for a long time.
But that one night, I chose not to harm.
This is the anniversary of that night.
That problem still continues.
It makes every day worse than the last,
but I still remember that night.
A night I regret.
The night I decided to survive.
I wish I didn't regret that night, but I'm stuck reliving the horror inside.
The Hill I Died On
This is the hill I will die on.
It's staying away from my mom.
From her anger and shame
From all of her blame
it's staying away from my mom.
Yet, some how you don't believe me.
Why would I make this up?
I wanted a mother too.
Do you know how much it took to give up?
To sit and wait on a mountain.
Alone, and unwanted.
Asking for a plate
or a silver stake
or maybe
just...
a crumb
Do you know what it's like on that mountain?
Watching the world rise
and knowing you'd never go there
cause you already died inside.
To turn around
and touch the ground
to see a world
where you don't want to be
to just stop
and sit down.
Do you know what it's like to live there?
A place
void of hope
Where there's mountain's high,
that touch the sky!
Only,
it's joke.
You sit there and choke.
You choke on your misery
You choke on your dreams
as they slide down
onto the ground
where they never will be seen.
This is the hill I will die on.
This is how I will live.
With hate inside, with will I defy,
Hoping I'll
finally,
be free.