my emotions are in pain

as if someone pulled out my lungs

dragged them across the wooden floor

and put them in icy water

only to leave me with a fever

that I can’t touch

the heat spreading through my skin

yet leaving me numb

powerless

with a whole gaping inside

blood streaming

but body intact

mind working

everything working, are you sure?

the strings that build me

they tangle

they shift

I feel so outside

sensations disturbing my matter

leaving me blind to logic

no sanity to sign on the dotted line

just this thing that I have

something without a name

it prays on me

but it also leaves

it always does

the only words falling out of me

are

it will get better... just not today

...

littering the ashtray

the smoke runs high

scattered thoughts

lost days

looking

searching

don’t break the glass

those walls are too thin

don’t mess with the heat

the room is already warm

the dishes lay on the floor

pieces of China won’t fall back to place

don’t use the gold paint

it won’t glue me back

at the window, I gaze

the night is dark

the night is cold

the knife lays on the ground outside

littering the ashtray

the smoke runs high

scattered thoughts

lost months

too many months

the head hurts bad

don’t litter

you’re making a mess

the wounds on my arms

they run deep

the knife was sharp

the heart was warm

now it lays outside

rusting in the cold

and so does the knife

don’t litter the ashtray

the smoke is too high

it clouds my vision

it sinks in my clothes

the words once whispered

no smoke without fire, child

no blood

without a working pump

so open a window

and make it wide

hush and wait

until it clears

too much smoke in your veins, child

too much of it to take

hush now

hush

.

I’ll turn myself inside and out

my flash, my bones

I’ll filter the blood

and exchange my love

for something that I can hold

I’ll look in my veins

I’ll push out the nerves

mix my senses and lose my voice

I’ll brush off the sweat

and dip in my skin

fingertips touching the swollen cells

I’ll turn myself inside and out

I’ll rage a storm

turning my flawed core_ into a song

a play pretend_ that I am able

that I am sane

so when you will look at me

at my upsidedown meaning

at my unbroken words

at my fake flesh

you’ll think there’s nothing wrong

that this is how I am

.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oksHjuqzsi4

a small flutter of wings is the whisper under my soul

hidden under my ribs

and moving through my bones,

love moves inside of me

warming my blood

and ending under my fingertips

sliding against your skin

whenever we touch

fingers gliding close to your heart

to feel your pulse

and to slowly reach your lips,

I fall into you

and taste you on my tongue,

your mouth tastes of berries

and your skin of salt

your heartbeats

tick like seconds and mark my time,

that hot breath that you leave on my neck

the feel of your hands on my back,

arms holding me closer

until I lose my breath

head spinning

mind at its last

coherent thoughts lost

logic put to its rest

body against body

builds friction that speaks

it speaks of you and me

of me and you

with a small flutter of wings

like a low whisper

just before the explosion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqgArRZouZg

.

did I ruffle those perfect feathers of yours, darling ?

no love, you just tickled the fire in my soul

and how does the blaze feel under your skin, does it burn ?

no, I bathe in it, like in a summer’s dream

it does not scorch your soft lips ?

it never does, it never will

but it must hurt you when your body is ignited by flames... it must

no, you are my flames and there is no other way I will have it

you must see reason here

the only reason I see is me against you, so say no more

yet. . .

no, my love, enough! no words! why do you question my reason, why do you doubt my words? have I not shown you how my body trembles under your faintest touch?

how my soul bursts into flames and how my heart threatens to jump out of my chest? how each fiber of my being, screams for more of you?

I know all of those things

and yet you doubt

I fear for you

you should not, I am perfectly at ease

and if there is harm ?

there will be none

but if so ?

then I will burst into flames, I will fall to ashes and then rise from them like a Phoenix, a fearless creature that always flies... just burn with me, my love... no more questions asked

this love that we share, always so complex and painful by its ends, yet you hold the truth, my dear, you always do

then we shall burn together ?

we always have, and we always will

no more words between us ?

no, just our hot breaths and nothing else

nothing else, never again

______ ______ ______

molecules of my heart are no longer in motion, they decided to just exist

they won’t expand, they won’t create

it feels that I lost or never even gained

my momentum

I stopped counting atoms of my being

outweighed

by the heavy matter of my pain

I think I lost my basic possibilities

can’t take another leap

in fact, I don’t seem to even understand the notion

and if I won’t jump,

I won’t be able to swim, I won’t flow

and floating to me is the closest way to flying

and I need to fly, so I can breathe

I need to breathe

be selfish

and

ignite my bones

on this night

under this moon

there it is to feel

to embrace

that fire that comes from you

it does not hurt

that smoke

that will not fill my lungs

but circulate

around my heart

it won’t touch it

it will just tease

it will please

walk around me slowly

notice the sphere

careful steps

around the broken glass

shhh

those are just my thought

no sounds

only flat responses

tiny specks of dust

filtered by single heartbeats

rushed

deep-set nerves

quiet, it’s alright

you can touch me

I won’t break more

I have my sharp edges

those pointy ends

that show my past

that darken my skin

and color it purple

listen

I won’t wound you

I only hurt myself

be selfish

and

ignite my bones

and I will pour honey

on my blades

and dark molasses, on your soul

sticky-sweetness

and hidden sins

on this cold night

so close

body against body

distant flames

around

that foolish hope

***

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXq-14lV79s

found this song by Coldplay, and then... it found me

some velvet lips can start a fire

and some lies are like ice_ perfect to throw in the glass

and enjoy like a drink

a gin and tonic on the rocks, a set of lies on my tongue

the taste of alcohol burns my insides,

just like the taste of you__ on__ my__ tongue

notice it

take a look

right there, in the middle

but a bit to the left

a tattoo heart

a distance under my ribs

count to ten

and rip it off

a tortured soul deceives without a hint

a permanent state for a liar

darker than the ink

a needle marks the place

branded symbolic lies

crafty shaped

pushed against a wall,

a strong pulse

behind a weak will

a distance under my ribs

tattooed on a heart

that skinny yarning

that selfish need

unable to speak the truth,

so coated for warmth

around a lie

I cannot speak the truth

I don't know how

it's just darker

then I lead it to be

it's quiet inside

more than I want it to be

lies start

between rib number eight

and rib number nine

listen to me,

listen carefully, please

just close your eyes

and listen to the slow heartbeats

between the fast lies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtRIz7VocNs

between my fibers

your words feel like heartbeats

sentences building up to a pulse

a certain shiver when lips touch

a scorching fire when hands shift and move

ready to explore the unknown ground

imprinting on my skin

and leaving a mark

the only pain of mine

that always feels so good

a casual bruise

set in the heart

***