She asks me why I take such long showers.

Sarcastically, I tell her I enjoy wasting water.

I do not tell her that the real reason is that I love wasting my time and energy on anything other than the thought of the distance that is forming between her and me and him and her. The distance that is forming while love is not.

I do not tell her that I let the water cleanse me of not only the dirt from the day but the dirt that has tried so hard to soil my happiness.

I will not let it.

I let the rain from the faucet pour on and around me until the steam has blocked out any other thought of pain.

I let let the scent of rosemary and lavender shampoo distract me from the scent of salt from the tears on my pillow.

I let the warmth of the room soothe me from the tension built up from that day. The tension from the wedding rings left on the table instead of the fingers of two beings who used to be in love. The tension from the slamming doors that seems to vibrate through the house and through my bones. The tension of my muscles that try to absorb the shock of the vibrations and the shock of reality.

I don’t take long showers to waste water.

I take long showers so I can forget.

So I can imagine what it’d be like if the water filled my lungs and let me pause for a while.

So I can relax and release and relive happy memories before the flood of sadness filled all the rooms in this house that once was a home.

I take long showers to feel again.

Born again

Into the world

That chewed you up

And spat you out.

Again you must

Find your way

In a new place

A new place.

Leaving and Coming

Find what you mean

And starting again

This Rebirth.

Crying helps, but it also hurts. I guess it’s kind of like working out or eating healthy, it’s good for you but the process can be hard and painful. Crying relieves the tension and takes the weight off for a short time. I am sure I’m not the only one who cries alone and prefers it that way. There have been a few times when I have cried in front of someone else, and it is always embarrassing. When I cry, I feel vulnerable, weak, and not at my best state of mind. There are so many reasons why I cry that they could probably take up an entire book. I’m sure at some point, everyone has tried to fall asleep but you can’t help remembering all the stupid stuff you’ve done. Well, sometimes that happens to me, but I think about more than my mistakes. I think about all the things that I regret and all the things that have brought me joy. I think about how fast life has gone by and how things seem to be passing by so slowly now. I think about the great childhood memories and yearn to go back. I linger on all the painful and awkward teenage years and run as far as I can. I remember all the relationships that have come and gone. And I wonder if my current relationships will last or just become memories. I imagine how I could have changed the past and how my future will be. I question how long I will still be here and fear the day that I will leave. I cry in either angst or amazement at how life can be. It is fair and unjust. It is depressing and happy. It can be lonely, funny, memorable, painful, and so many other things. So I lay in my bed and cry for all the things that I cannot understand and wait for sleep to come. #tears #crying

Sunrise, sometimes

I see morning in your eyes

and the night that falls

between our feet

will come at no surprise

Alright, alright

I'll be fine, just give it time

remember that constellations

formed because

all the stars aligned

like a blonde with a drummer

a schoolboy in the summer

my life belongs to you

and through the wretches of love,

there is no other.

moments of random tranquility

easy breaths

the air after the rain

pieces of time that aren't a bother

I sink in the moment of me,

now, in the present

no distractions

just being here,

with the thought of you

existing around me