I mix the cookie dough with a calm pleasure,

measuring carefully as the amounts are especially important to get right on this day.

Time to bake.

I walk through my home,

this pleace is beautiful and bursting at its seams with memories.

We did a good job, I think to myself.

When he died I never thought I’d truly live again,

but then life was kind to me.

I sign the letters to our kids,

place the stamps deliberately,

and walk outside to our mailbox.

The day is a beautiful one, a dry 70 F.

I am surrounded by life in varying shades of green.

We chose a good place to call home, love.

I come back inside to the smell of ooey gooey chocolate chip cookes,

still my favorite after all of these years.

I pull the cookies out and set them one by one on the cooling rack. While I wait for them to cool I light a pre-roll, I only buy pre-rolls now as my hands aren’t what they used to be.

I sit back in my lawn chair and enjoy the sky.

I wish you were here my sweet.

It’s almost time, I think.

I put the cookies on a plate and take them outside to enjoy with my smoke.

It’s time to write. With a heavy pen, I write the very last thing I ever will write. I seal the note in an envelope.

I polish off the cookies one by one, until my belly is full and my eyes begin to droop. Before it’s too late, I dial 9-1-1. I light my joint to smoke one last time.

The note is all they’ll need to understand that this is my goodbye.

“This isn’t the time to fight. They’ve caught it too late and at this point in my life, I am ready to die. To die, like this, of my own volition is the only way I can bear to say Goodbye.”

I let my eyes close and drift off to sleep.

You wrapped your arms around me

in a warm embrace,

mumbling,

"goodbye"

and I laughed to myself,

the only time I get to hold you,

is when you are leaving...

I watched her from across the class, she was standing with her two best friends: Lily and Holly. They were chatting, laughing, smiling.

She had the most beautiful smile, a smile that gave me shivers, goose bumps. A smile that made me smile.

She was popular, social. I wasn’t. I was a ‘nerd’, seen as weird. But she didn’t, she accepted me; that was her true beauty. The beauty that others overlooked as they only looked at the outside, her outside.

They didn’t care to look deeper, to see the truest beauty: her acceptance of anyone.

It made me feel accepted, welcome... it made me feel normal.

As I thought about it, I felt guilty for her, because from her outside, people would make a decision, a judgement.

They would see a confident, beautiful girl.

Some would see her as a threat, so they would gossip and avoid her.

Some would see her as a pretty face and solely a pretty face, nothing else.

The guys would see her as their future girlfriend.

The rest would see her as a good person to be around because of her fame, because of her looks.

They would label her: 'she is this', 'she is that'.

Anything but: 'she is a person, an amazing person. A likable person who is beautiful, talented and amazing. The love of my life.'

Thinking about this made me feel sick, nauseated. Can't we just accept people for who and what they are? Stop fitting them with stereotypes, stop labelling them?

As I sat there, in my seat, thinking of this, of her. I remembered the good days, the days when we were together. When we were friends, when we were more than friends. I smiled at those thoughts, those memories. We would hold hands; we would hold each other. We were there for one another, when we would catch each other looking from across the room.

But then a dark cloud came over us and we fought. We were screaming, yelling. Cursing each other and, well, I cursed myself.

We just had this tension, this feeling that we weren't enough for each other. We had this constant fear that the other would abandon us, for someone better.

And, well, this tension, we felt it. It then became enough, and we broke up a few days ago, and now I sit here, alone, and she stands there with her friends.

I knew it was over after the fight, because a day after, she looked at me but it wasn't the same look. Her gaze was empty, hollow. No longer loving, no longer smiling at me.

This hurt, a lot. But I blamed myself. I could've been someone else, someone better for her, but did I? No.

I could have been her perfect someone.

I never change.

Another guy approaches her group.

She smiles and walks up to him. Her smile made me stiffen.

I understood it; the smile said it all. It was saying goodbye. Good bye to me. To us.

''Hey,'' he says, holding her hands.

''Hi.'' She replies.

''Goodbye,'' I replied, quietly to her smile.

Please, take care of her.

I beg of you. Be what I couldn't be, what I never will be.

6.6.2020

“Haven’t you heard? There’s this Japanese legend that says that your current face is the face of the person you loved most in your last life.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh at the words ringing through my head, but the more I thought of it, the more upset I became. If that was the case, then I had been awfully rude to the person who I loved in my past life. The constant poking and prodding and what if my nose were this way or that way. I sat in the mirror and contemplated, I should be nicer…

That simple statement kept me being kind to myself throughout my whole life, and now I sit here, staring at myself in the reflection of my lover’s eyes as he watches the light fade from mine. “Goodbye…” I whisper to my reflection. But then I take my hand and lay it on his cheek, feeling the hot tears slide down my palm, “I can’t wait to be so beautiful in the next life… goodbye.”

goodbye?

You have grown so much, old friend.

Wow, you are so big now.

You have aged physically and mentally I see.

It isn't goodbye friend.

It is merely a time before your offspring come.

And I will fulfill the same purpose.

So goodbye until then.

I stroked your soft hand for the last time, as I gingerly set you down in the dirt. It was the final goodbye. Seven amazing years had come down to this very moment. We had survived you losing an arm, me combing out a lot of your hair, nudity, scrapes, bruises, and a dastardly younger brother. The unchanging look in your soft hazel eyes nearly broke my heart. You were dressed for the other world, with the colorful leopard-print dress I'd made for you with fabric and ribbon, the thigh-high boots you adored, and a necklace I'd made with my own two hands out of golden pipe cleaner.

I felt the tears come, but I couldn't let your last vision of me be of me hurting. Not like this. I wanted you to remember the happier times of you and John Cena and your kids. I didn't want you to think of me or wonder if I was only letting you go because of some bullshit status quo that by thirteen, you should be done with dolls. Despite the ruthless undertaking of your family, we had been together through thick and thin, and the end was almost becoming too much.

I straightened the necklace one last time and placed a kiss on your forehead before letting the dirt cover up those bright hazel eyes, your brown hair that I had finally figured out how to braid, the boots, your dress, your pouty look. Every tiny scoop I scraped into the hole just made us further and further apart, though I knew that once you were finally covered, we would both find peace.

As I was approaching the very day I've been training for my strongest teachers were gathering for their celebration. Everybody's efforts time sweat and tears are going to be realized in my last final exam.

The whole of all our endless days in lectures physical training and mock combat are now mine. For years I never understood why I was being given certain information and particular instructions. All of humanity needed for this goodbye to take place.

In foreign countries and far away places the other players too were preparing to say a sweet goodbye. Each of us needed to be at the right place at the right time. Soon a final confrontation between freedom love and peace was going to happen with hate evil and abuse.

This goodbye was such a joyful event people everywhere were celebrating the farewells. From all the training and strategy was going to be a quick end to evil everywhere. My teachers waving goodbye in their finest robes and decorations. Now is the time to walk away from my protection and finish the work I've been training for.

We were small in number but the enemy was thrown into confusion. As I was walking straight towards the things that years before would have frightened me I could feel the pleasure of those saying goodbye. I looked back one last time to see the heightened energy from my well wishers waving goodbye.

After the victory shared among all of my fellow workers the loudly heard celebration could be heard all over the world. Most of the army I just joined forces with returned back to where they came from. For me I felt the goodbye was so pure and fierce. Going back was sure to break the grace. I wanted to keep going keep growing bigger and bigger.

The smell of bacon

saturates the small kitchen

Dishes clink, suds wash

away the remains of us

A moment ago

we used to be strangers, then

you opened your mouth

Laughter fills the small kitchen

cozy with comfort

We sit and sip together

pouring out our hearts

over steaming cups of tea

You said: ” We’re friends now,”

I guess it was that easy

You smile, and I laugh

-A moment ago strangers-

I know you’ll leave soon

My jaw is sore from laughter

I’m glad you were here

Hey. Hey, it’s me. You know, that girl you used to sit with watching the stars before you moved to the city?

I just wanted to say, you know, goodbye?

Don’t be sad about this, you know, deep down, that we weren’t supposed to be anyway.

It’s the asshole tumour. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way, I really didn’t want to. But no excuses, hey.

I’m not the girl you know anymore, I have become what I am opposed to. A monster, really. You deserve better.

I swear on my soul that what I say now is the truth.

I love you. Far more than you believe, maybe. I’m trying to protect you, and please, please, please find yourself a good partner and settle down. I’ll be watching over you with my soul; please don’t come visit me. I’ll get by and I’ll come find you when this nonsense is all over, yeah? Don’t cry.

You’re like the most precious person, the most beautiful life all wrapped up in a human-shaped figure of perfection. Nothing will compare to you, and you are my world.

Remember those days when we were carefree and having fun and you gave me my first kiss. I swear that kiss kept me hooked onto life, onto love, because it was inexperienced and slightly gross and kind of amusing, thinking back. But it was what I craved most, and I know you’ll probably beat yourself up for not noticing that I had changed sooner, that “You could have been saved!” if you’d noticed it faster. But I assure you that you’re enough, and your existence and memories will keep me.

I’ll be even more of an asshole during these times, with nowhere to go and it hurts me to think that I will mess up your life balance, make it harder, because I don’t want to do that. I want you to be free.

Please remember me as that 13-year-old girl who snuck out at 3am to look at the stars with you.

So this is it, isn’t it.

Goodbye.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(Based off real life but slightly altered to fit the scene better)

Edit: Now I read it it seems sad