I'm screaming loud enough so no one can hear,

the breaking of my heart,

the cracking of my bones,

the drowning in my lungs,

the snapping of my sanity,

the madness in my thoughts,

the floods in my eyes,

the pain in my head.

I'm screaming loud enough

so no one can hear

the

break

of

a

soul.

the

break

of

me.

22.6.2020

My glance could tell the tale.

My heart was pounding as it waled.

My voice was cracking; my throat swelled.

Their ears ignored; the trail went stale.

If they could read my lips;

read my mind;

Hear my desperate screams;

Oh, how I tried.

Sarah walked her youngest daughter, Alex, to the corner to catch the waiting school bus. “Have a good day, sweetheart,” she said, waving as Alex got on the bus. Alex turned and smiled brightly before running to sit next to her best friend Jenna. Sarah turned toward home as the bus pulled away.

She went straight to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee and light her first cigarette of the day. Cup in hand, she walked to the bathroom. Sitting the cup on the floor, she got the cleanser out of the cabinet to clean the bathtub. After she scrubbed it, she turned on the water, letting it run hot until it was full. She removed her nightshirt and panties and sat in the tub. It burned at first, but she let it. She lay for a while, watching the shadows, listening to music in her head. Using Alex’s bubble bath, she washed and scrubbed, scraping the dead skin off her feet and scrubbing them with an old pumice stone. She stood and emptied the tub, turning on the shower to wash the dirt and dead skin away.

Switching the water back to the faucet, she sat down and let the hot water begin to fill up around her again. Picking up Theo’s razor, she removed the blade and slowly, hands shaking, held it under the hot water. She pressed hard until a small spot of blood appeared on her index finger. Searching for unscarred skin, she pressed into her left arm, just enough to feel the rush. She didn’t stop until there was only new blood and old scars. Finally, she dropped the blade and held herself, rocking, head thrown back, mouth open tears mixing with snot, water and saliva, not uttering a sound.

Staring at the ceiling contemplating my demise

My mom walks into the room calling me a failure and reminding me how I am nothing like my sister, her favorite child

My sister isn't stressed and she isn't going to college in the Fall

But somehow my mom finds a way to make me feel like the lowest human scum,

even though I will be the first child to graduate high school

As our mother-daughter rlationship deteriorates, I can see that she never cared about my struggles

She never cared about my happiness, she only ever cared about my sister

And no matter how loud I screamed for help from the one person I thought would help me, she never heard a sound

She was too busy bettering the life of my youger sister instead of helping me overcome the trials in my life

She left me to drown in my sea of despair while she cooked dinner with her favorite child

I had to crawl out of my darkness alone, without the help of even my mother

I hope I never have to see her again

She hurt me greatly, I can never return to my old joyful self

I will be a bitter yet reserved being that lives on the edge of society

I am better because of my will to survive

My mother refused to hear those screams

And now our relationship is non-existent

There’s a million things

To scream about

But they’re all locked

Inside my head.

When I do scream

No one hears.

My mouth is not open,

My mind is full of noise.

Screaming loud enough,

yet no one can hear.

They aren't listening

for cries of a child in the stairwell.

They only listen to what they want to hear.

She's screaming, but it's elevator music.

No one notices,

no ones takes a second look

at the little girl under the stairs.

Screaming loudly, but not loud enough.

They scream

But the metal blades cut them down.

They release a toxin of distress

But we think it’s a pleasant smell.

They try to warn the others

But we cut them, too.

The poor grass blades.

They scream but we can’t hear them.

If you scream loud enough

You'll look like you're laughing,

so no one will hear it for what it is,

And that howling that goes on

forever inside you

will stay inside and

keep your world

safe.

I scream,

a scream so loud

a scream inarguably audible

a scream, so painful

And yet,

no one hears it

it seems so quiet to them

or mabye they are just deaf

And yet I keep screaming,

till the tears come down to shush the sounds

and I go back

to sipping my coffee staring at the reason I screamed at all

with a shaking smile