Devour it fast,
Espresso in one gulp,
Used dishwares in one heap,
Dashing out of the house,
Rushing to the subway,
Phone alarm rings,
The sweat clings.
A Year of time a day
It may seem peculiar, to undergo an entire year in one day without ever leaving my home. Regardless, the slow passage of time can be ones greatest enemy in such circumstances.
Waking up in the morning, my head is cloudy with unfinished thoughts from the night before, and slight whispers of different dreams I had. Sometimes, I am able to tolerate sitting in my room for about five minutes to contemplate my darkest thoughts and nightmares. More times than not though, I am overcome by this fogginess and I find an escape at the bottom of a brown black drink of caffeine. With something warm in my system and an energetic stimulant running through my veins, I get dressed and head downstairs to run on the treadmill.
Someone had once asked me if I ran because I enjoyed it, or if I simply ran because I liked to compete in races and stay in shape for looks. I think of this question every time I head downstairs on a cold day to run on the treadmill. During these dreary moments I hate running, but it feels compulsory and necessary. I cannot skip a day. After all, with the plans I have for my future I must stay in shape.
I think about my discomfort as I get on the treadmill and quicken my pace to reach my goal for a 5k run. My calves are killing me, and I haven't had enough coffee for this. The music I decided to play is beginning to bore me, but I don't want to change it because it will be bore me more. I think I am getting a side stitch, and I think the brown walls in the downstairs gym are ugly.
About 2 miles into my run, I'm going too fast for my usual goal. I cannot help it though, for I wish strongly to finish quickly and go about my other business. Regardless, I am doing just fine even though I am tired. In fact, I think my leg began to hurt a little less at the half way mark, and the song changed to one of my favorites a few moments before. I am now 2.25 miles in, and I am going far too fast to finish. My head feels light, and my legs are screaming at me for moving them so quickly. Alas! I do not stop. I go faster, and I imagine that I am running from something. I am running from my nightmares, from my traumas, and from my darkest moments. All three of these things come together into one giant evil doppleganger, and I then realize what I am running for and from. I am running away from all of my problems through this strange form of coping. I hate to admit though, that in most cases these problems are not terrifying and giant. In all reality, these dark things often take the image of a crying young girl who just wants help understanding life. Instead, like everyone in else in the world, I adjust the way she looks in my reality so that I have a good excuse to make myself a victim of her. This thought runs through my head as I reach 2.9 miles. As soon as I reach three, I stop and turn around. The girl is no longer there, and I am in the gym alone once again.
I give myself a moment to catch my breathe before I walk slowly up the stairs, making sure to count each step. There are 23 stairs. The fourth stair creaks too much, and I need to clean all of them for they are rather dirty. By the 12th stair I feel like I have been walking up forever.
I grab me a small snack and I take a warm shower before starting school. Opening my laptop and signing into my school account, I think of how bored I have become of the monotony. How I wish I could find the time between my perpetual studies to go outside! I look out the window, to see snow falling freshly on the ground. I could not help but recall the days I used to rejoice at the sight of snow and run desperately to play in it. When I caught focus again, I looked at my laptop and exited from my school account. Not today. Instead, I went about browsing the web, and I found 'the prose.com' and the first question it had asked me was, "What it it like to be you?" Below this question were words saying, "walk me through one day in your life."
Well, from here on I will more than likely realize I have priorities and go back to school. At around 2 p.m. I will clean the house, and I will make me an early dinner of soup and chicken at 3. My family will come home around then, and they will hug me and tell me about their day. One brother will offer my a baseball and ask if I could play catch in the snow with him, and my mother will interrupt saying that he's crazy for even asking such a question. My other brother will head downstairs to take a nap, and my mother will head to her room and do the same. After about 7 minutes of conversation, I will more than likely be standing in the kitchen alone and in silence. Looking at the soup I just finished making, I realize that I am not even hungry. I will then go to my room and work on my writing until 2 am.
This here, is how I spend my life on the daily. Every day being only 24 hours, but somehow going as slow as a year. Just like most everyone else, I spent my days thinking about what could have been instead of what is, and I suffer accordingly.
I can tell you what I’ve been through
What I go through
How I feel about it
I can describe the color and shape of every bush
The way the wind blows
How the sun feels on my skin
What the sound of waves provokes in me
What the desert tells me when no one else is listening
I can tell you all about the things I share with no one
I could offer you these pieces of sand about me and the simplicity beyond the complexity behind me
I can tell you how much I smoke
How little I drink
Who I read and why
I can tell you about my family, the role I play, the disappointments and achievements
I can tell you all of my predicaments
I can tell you about my REM dreams and my visions
I could give you multiple daily updates and stories
Write a novel or series of all the things that have happened to me
Things I’ve caused to happen unintentionally and exactly every time I got my way and how
I could give you names, dates, prices, and costs
I could tell you about everything except the things I can’t remember
And the most interesting part is that the truth about what it’s like to be me is hidden in those forgotten moments
Moments I surrendered to time as quickly as I could
While I grasp only the most pleasant things because I so desperately want those moments to have more significance.
Beauty is not defined by the one who sees, but by the one who feels.
I’m not going to act like my day to day is unique or mystical. I wake up to cats who demand to be fed immediately. They rule the house, we live to serve them. Make the first cup of coffee to start my half hour of pondering while staring out the front window. Never remember all the places my ADHD brain wonders. Get ready for work, struggle to match colors, pick the best fuzzy socks that are still clean. Make a quick breakfast, brush teeth, grab my bag and head off to work. I drive to the train station, take the train into NYC, then shuttle to work. Works always interesting, a whole lot of science and coffee. Co-workers are great, we all get along and it’s all positive. I take the commute home, have dinner, hangout with my family and cats, raid social media, then shower, sleep and repeat. It sounds mundane to most, but it’s not to me anymore. There once was a time I dreaded the first breath of my conscious day. Rising from bed was painful. I felt no purpose, everything about me was a failure. I hated my boring life. Slowly this view point shifted. I don’t know exactly when it started. I’ve been through many things, but the most impactful was when a few people I loved died. After the fourth person passed I finally realized life isn’t about having a flashy, exciting, crazy, eventful day. It’s about enjoying the moment. Making plans the day of and living them thoroughly. Letting yourself feel everything. Take just a few short seconds to watch a bird and admire how this little potato with wings manages to take flight.
So In time I found myself enjoying the little things that use to make me want to literally die. My life may seem boring to most, but it’s absolutely beautiful to me. The gift of waking up to give the cats morning treats is enough for
The muscles in my neck are like tight metal bands. They pull tighter when I experience strong emotions- and sometimes they pull so tight that they take my jaw pulls backwards with them, and it presses on my carotid artery until I either give up on my emotion or faint. When they get tight enough that they start changing around my jaw and face I start feeling like one of those distorted-faced women from those Picasso paintings.
Everything I like doing makes the tension worse- the positions from which I have found to read, write, and use the computer. The emotions brought up by reading or writing are bad- because the purpose of the excessive tension it is to block myself from feeling all the emotions I can't handle.
So basically I spend the whole day hoping I can sometime get back to reading and writing- But a lot of the time really failing at doing either.
A casual burnout
Often I have wished to live like cats ahh lucky creatures and thought how would it be to live without being paranoid and worried about the next day but my mind maybe has like superior level built-in anxiety and I am always anxious.
So lets get back to the topic i wake up around 9am which i think is good enough. Did anyone notice the time hands are on turbo speed nowadays and there i spent my morning making breakfast and cleaning the kitchen we clean because we dont want mom to scream I dont have cats but i LOVE cats so i just feed random cats outside my house. At noon i do chores around the house read a good book(recommendations needed) then its study time after studying for two hours straight my trying hands dont know how to function anymore and my mind just stop storing information so i charge myself by eating and watching random cat videos(no one asked but these are my two favourite things)sometimes take a nap or maybe play badminton with my sister if she is busy then i run in a park outside my house.6pm is afternoon tea time let me tell you tea is my necessity! I do my remaining work chat with my family members and annoy them. By 9 we usually eat dinner and then i bingewatch my animes until my eyes feel heavy and SLEEP
Boring, boring, boring.
Each day, I wake up in the afternoon. I don't do mornings. I'm always a grumpy mess if I ever have to wake up early. I go to work in the late afternoon to night anyways, so I'm allowed to sleep in. Either way, I don't go to sleep until 4 am, so technically I'm still only sleeping 8 hours. Every day is the same as the one before - give or take minor changes like whether I wear a red shirt or a black one.
I wake up, use the bathroom, put on a small amount of make up to hide my bags and define my eyebrows, then I change for work and leave. I never eat. I'm always late. But that's routine. When I get home, I shower and then waste time on the internet until 3 or 4 am, which is when I play some classical music to help me fall asleep. I have night lights because I get sleep paralysis a lot. The lights help. I'm always tired, always hungry, and always sad. I get through each day unhappily, but I never change anything because I have no motivation to do so.
On my days off, I sleep much, much longer than 8 hours. I lock myself in my room, maybe eat a snack or two throughout the day, avoid interactions with my family - which will only be about how lazy or unhelpful I am, and I plan my escape. The day I can finally run away and be someone else. Maybe even be someone who's happy.
And to think, only six months ago I lived thousands miles away from where I am now and worked part time at a better job with better pay. I went out with friends. Had fun. And even then, I was still unhappy. My life took a 180 degree turn and I am still unhappy. But also grateful for many things. Or at least I try to be.
One day, I'll be by myself. Finally. And I'll be happy. I know it. And if I'm not? Fuck it. I only live once, I can deal with one lifetime of unhappiness. I've been doing it all my life so far, how bad can a few more decades be?
I know this isn't exactly a walkthrough of ONE day in my life, but it's an outline of how just about any day of my life is like. Go ahead. Pick a day. November 1st? Work. Read above. July 4th? Work. Read above. August 23rd? Idk, maybe it was one of my days off where I just slept and wasted the day away on the internet, looking for places to disappear to on a low budget. You can pick and choose any day and guess what I've done. Basically....read above.
Welcome to my reality!
A day in my life will be a boring and dark and sad day.
So, in the morning, I get up, getting ready to go to my practice as a physiotherapist assistant. I always take the bus and once I am in town, I walk till I arrive. Once I'm there, I get ready and prepare the rooms for the patients and I always put a smile so I can look happy and fine! * i like to separate and control my emotions at work and home*.
A beautiful day comes to an end after all those patients and their questions every time about my life, or where I live, or where I studied. But there are some other patients that you get their vibe and you have an actual and nice conversation but hey, I chose this job so weird things or anything will come out from patients.
At night I will talk to friends and my current boyfriend. But on some point I will start to feel empty, like I don't deserve any of this or why am I still breathing! Sad music playing every time while I pretend to be fine and talk to my boyfriend. I am good at hiding my feelings from others because I have learnt to ignore me and try to help those I care about.
Sometimes, I think of hurting me but I never do, like something is stopping or I have second thoughts for what am I about to do. To be honest, I don't want to hurt myself! I am scared to do it. I know I have a purpose to this world! I don't know what it is yet but I know I have something and I am going to find it and make it right!
So this is a day in my "perfect" life!
Welcome and goodbye!
I crave connection,
and to be alone.
No, not loneliness,
I crave peace-of-mind.
My work is to serve
but my treasure is
my work of fine art.
and the arts,
Highly Sensitive & Unfamiliar Territory.
Have you every observed a cat in a room fixated on something that YOU cannot see? Many days I am the cat sensing so much around, AND I am me, who can't see what the cat sees but feels much of the invisible world. Everyday I feel as if there is a part of me that is wandering in the dark, the invisible that surrounds everything. Let me say I've never been one to wander in any sort of dark whether it be a basement in my childhood home, a dark haunted house, blackened woods outside - none of it. I prefer the light or any tool that will offer me a spec of light.
I wish I could walk about freely in my days. At some point in the day, the place of unfamiliarity will arise, as it often does. It could be anywhere, anytime. My mornings will begin with familiarity of opening my eyes just as the stars fade into dawn. In this moment of stillness, before everything begins to stir, is comforting and I rise. I head to the kitchen where I make the coffee under a very dim light. The moment of comfort is that brief. As the day rises in momentum so does the sensitivity to my surroundings. At anytime during the day the surprise of unfamiliar territory can happen - just like a cat suddenly fixated on the invisible at any undetermined moment. I'm unlike a cat in regards to a conscious awareness of such moments, however, it's a feeling. Inside myself begins a vibration of some sort. The stillness has left. I'm not exercising, singing, jogging, or working hard to increase the energy within me. It's almost like suddenly I have tentacles and that are reaching out into the ethers, like fishing in the dark. It's unfamiliar and I don't know how to relate to part of being.
This brings the element of surprise into my everyday. Living with such an element is unnerving especially since I crave peace, trust, stability. Eventually in my every day, there is the moment of awareness through feeling that something has shown up but I can't see it. I realize this is not the typical everyday I've read about here in this challenge but I am sharing with you what it's like to be me.