finding out your best was never good
enough and it hallows your gut and fills with
a tomorrow that tastes like dread as it
enters in against your will, now numb,
being beaten in the street for crimes
committed against yourself, bleeding clear
but they can see it with eyes full of pity
you never wanted. your strength walks
on feeble legs, shaking and falling down.
the color begins to fade from your dreams
and you become convinced that your fate
is a desolate path all the others will walk on
as they follow the map to bliss you etched
into your heart. the anguish feels like home.
you wrap your arms around the guilt
of wasting their time while you tried to matter.
Wildfire oxidizes my heart with flames of sorrow
rejection burns unlit tinder of blistered despair
without your love, my essence goes up in smoke
funeral pyre of all we had together, bits and pieces
of charred inferno combusting in weight of desolation
until all that remains is sodden grey ashes of heartbreak
leaving me charred embers as remembrance of our love.
What a lofty task it is
to tell you of Mankind's biggest foe,
if you have yet to feel the pangs of Heartbreak yourself.
It is like telling a blindman of color.
But the time will come,
when you will experience that inevitable encounter
with this ruthless brood;
and I dare not leave you unprepared.
So I will tell you only this of Heartbreak.
Heartbreak yearns to be every word that defines you.
So brace yourself, my poor fellow,
for it won't stop until everything you are
becomes synonymous with it.
A Mothers Heartbreak
There are many kinds of heartbreak I will tell you a story.
I knew of this woman who lost her unborn baby, and in the wake of her heartbreak, she wanted for nothing more than death to find her. or to have her baby back. The very first day after, she tried to lie to herself and tell herself it didn't happen, it was all a very bad dream. However, life would not let her live this lie, a sturdy nail she never used before was the place she chose to hang her purse when she came home from the hospital, letting her know that it was no dream. Her heart ached so bad she felt stabbing pains in her chest in her guts crying so hard she would throw up. She didn't want to live anymore. Even though she had other children, that she loved dearly nothing could ease the pain of the one she lost. Her living children gave her reason to live. But they could not ease the pain of the one she lost. She loved her living kids so much they were a constant reminder of the precious gift she lost. the gaping hole in her heart she knew would never hill. She walked through months of her life as this lifeless shell of a woman breaking out in fits of tears at any given moment. Filling like a failure full of rage at her body for not keeping her baby safe. The guilt of killing a life she started. There was no end to her anguish, No one to blame but herself she hated her body and wanted to punish herself. And lucky for her she had an illness. She was scheduled for surgery to have her uterus removed before she got pregnant, and now she could not wait for the doctor to carve it out. This woman because of an illness she was able to have her uterus cut out and in doing so, she felt some vindication for the loss of her baby. But still she hurt felt the pain of heartbreak and she would rage and scream at god for no taking her life, and sparing that of her child's. She lived with that rage for many years. Still managing to love her children and spend a wonderful life with them. But nothing would quiet that loss it would burn in her for years to come and she will mourn the loss of her baby for the rest of her life.
You took the needle
I took the pain
I died all the same
A fathers dreams
Broken and shattered
You took the needle
I took the pain
Realizing that words spoken are not always true. Realizing I mean so much less to you.
These are hard realizations. They are difficult to accept. Mentally I suffer from this knowledge and it causes physical hurt.
What it feels like
It's like trying to catch your breath after falling down seven flights of stairs.
It's like your heart is on fire and you've forgotten where you put the extinguisher.
It's like slamming your foot on the brake when you thought it was the accelerator.
It's like biting into a grape and hitting the seed.
It's like hitting your funny bone but the tingling never stops.
It's like you want to forget what it feels like but you only feel alive when you have it.
All heartbreak is not eternal
Some losses are not real losses. Like being in love with the wrong guy, and finding the right guy later.
Someone steals your POS car and you get a better one. You may feel hurt at the time, but it's not as bad as you thought.
There are times when you are not a biological parent but you love the child as much as you love your own birthed from your body. I have a step daughter from a previous relationship, I raised her from 2yrs to 6yrs old. Her dad and I split then and it was only because of her mother that her brothers and I were allowed to see her. The down side to that was that if I didn't jump through hoops for her mother, or if my daughter didn't do something, anything, sneezed wrong, she wouldn't get to come to see us. There are times when out of love we have to show great courage to do what's best for your child. It is so painful to have to give up a child to someone else who may be able to handle him being out of control. The guilt, the loss, the complete failure and heartbreak I felt as his mother. His mother, the one who kisses all the hurts away, the one who hugs him tight. I'm the one to make it alright. I could not this time. He took a kitchen knife to my youngest a throat. His behavior was just too much out of control and now I couldn't even keep my youngest safe. I HAD TO LOVE HIM ENOUGH TO GET HIM HELP.
It was heartache and loss just the same.
To this very day I hate that I had to do it, what else could I do? Nothing.
So you see I have known nothing else in my life but heartache. It hurts like nothing you will ever feel in your entire life. You must understand that LOVE always has a price, your heart or your Soul, sometimes your heart and Soul.
The moment you feel your tendons yanking away at each other in every single limb on your body and your weary bones threaten to shatter with the slightest touch; The moment you find yourself loosing your breath with every single sigh. The moment you grow deaf upon your surroundings and all you hear and see are visions of the torment of being apart. The moment you sense the slightest bit of change and your colorful world filled with wondrous shades and hues. Is suddenly dull and grey. The moment you let go of the things you love and cherish most and suddenly stop. The moment you feel death knocking on your front door and when you come to. It was only the mailman. The moment you dread any little mistake you make. The moment you begin to loathe your existence. The moment you can't feel anything but the past of what use to be a compelling and overwhelming gracious happiness. The moment you begin to despise any and all things dealing with any kind of romance. The moment you dwell on a little ray of hope or as some might say the little string of fate and suddenly the little rays of hope disperse and the string suddenly snaps and oh! How you fall! The moment you seek for some kind of solace and instead find a temporary fix from within the dark corners of your mind and stay affixed to the idea of regret and disgust. Confusing lust for the idea of a love you had long lost. The moment you think perhaps it is all within your conscience and you were weak and then you think with such a great insensitivity for yourself and others. You loose yourself. The moment you feel yourself crashing and burning into bittersweet nothing's and heart felt delights. The moment you open your eyes and realize the game you have unintentionally decided to play and now must face every single consequence. The moment you remember the reason behind it all and finally decide its best left in the memory and walk out the door to prepare yourself for a brand new day. The moment you look within yourself and tell yourself it's going to be okay. The moment you keep telling yourself that things are better this way. The moment you realize you are destroying yourself over this. The moment you realize maybe no amount tears are enough for this kind of guilt or pain. The moment you walk into a restaurant and finally catch a break. The moment you slip up and think of them together. The moment you look up and see there is so much more to life than just this person. The moment you realize you can do whatever you please and how you please with or without them. The moment you feel salvation and solace and wish them their best in the secrets within your pages at home. The moment you pick up the phone and say. Goodbye.