Numbness

of the driving rain,

missing you

in rivulets of pain.

Ice blue spikes

shattering my heart.

Pounding

on my somber soul

reminding me of you

in streams

of sodden memories

Drowning

for all the wrong reasons

but at least

I can still sense

Palpation

of the raindrops

hoping one day

to quench

my thirst

with the soothing balm

of liquid sunshine.

You're caged up in your own mind. Fear has become the chains that confine you. Self-hatred has become the knives that cut you.

You believe that you're nothing more than a burden to your parents. You feel like they've wasted so much money on you when they could've spent it on better things for themselves.

They have their family and friends to support them. The same goes for your friends. So what do they need you for? They could make it without you. They'd be better off without you.

These thoughts come in a continous stream that all tie together into this thick noose that drapes over your neck. You wonder how it would feel to suffocate, to go blue-in-the-face, as they say. But you don't pull the lever to fall. Instead, you stand there afraid to die yet you're also afraid to live.

Where does that leave you then?

you aren't gone yet,

but you're going away.

and when you leave, you'll leave a trail of stars

dotting the galaxy,

screaming "I was here"

in case I ever forget you.

I'll follow your stars,

but they'll lead me back to where we're standing now.

your voice will drift in from the heavens, your

it's alright it's alright again and again

like some eternal answering machine.

that's the worst feeling.

at first it'll burn my tongue

and then its fire will travel down my throat,

and I'll wonder how it once felt to breathe

and know that you were breathing also.

then, you will feel galaxies away

and the fire inside of me will become coal in my stomach

and settle there.

the truth will feel like a thousand dead stars

that still burn in the sky because I am light years away

and from here you still burn brightly

because

you are still alive.

but you tell me you are going

and that you've packed up your bags

so I guess the worst feeling is that

sometimes it's as if you've really left

and if I stare at you too hard you disappear.

you aren't gone yet,

and thank god for that.

you've got one foot in the next life

and I'm holding onto the part of you that's still here,

that's still holding on,

that doesn't really want to let go.

so

it doesn't hurt as much

now.

at rest to sit,

free of this...

the vapid hiss

escaping

from a wrongly 

plugged youthfulness

a baseless promise

coupled to

a vessel full

of doubt and

emptiness...

lost before, and now

and not just once

...more...

deflated from

hope and concept

flat upon the floor

this nagging doubt

of knowing not what 

life and purpose

is all about...

the oppressive

clout needing  

to have it thus

figured out

to assist...

to resist...

at rest to sit.

#TheWorstFeeling #Challenge

It's the moment you can actually feel your heart shattering into millions of pieces as someone leaves you once again. Knowing that it's your fault for letting them in again when you knew what was going to happen. The worst feeling in the world is earth shattering betrayal. You never get over it and it never goes away. That feeling just lingers in your chest waiting for you to trust someone again and when you finally do it squeezes your chest til you can't breath reminding you what trusting causes...

Walk a road filled with pitfalls,

the kind that stop you from going anywhere,

the kind that keep you falling,

and the energy is gone to continue.

A lonely road

where no one offers a hand,

no one willing to help.

no one caring of your pain.

A destined road,

one that leads to home,

but even home,

shuts its doors to you.

Nowhere to go,

no one to ask for help,

no place where you can belong;

that is the worst feeling in the world.

I️ feel that I️ am waiting.

For what I️ know not,

Only that I️ am restless

To get out of the body that

Limits me to the ground

To fly from the small town that

Ties my tongue and pushes me down

And the longing

It sits in my stomach

A small stone, rolling like the hills

Subdued but ever pushing and aching

And I️ wish to not be content

With my unsure promises of tomorrow

That tomorrow I will find

What I️t is I️ am seeking

What I️t is I️ am waiting for

And then the sun rises on tomorrow

But I️t comes too late

I️t is already today

You hear the cars passing on the street below your bedroom window.

Why bother wiping the tears that never seem to completely cease.

Every sound or lack there of is magnified in this large empty house.

At first the silence is deafening.

Then the shallow breathing and soft sobs.

Memories.

He gave us so much without ever realizing how rare that was.

He gave me so much despite my flawed behavior.

He thought of others before himself frequently.

I gave him so much shit and painful days.

Instead of giving I would occasionally steal.

While he was thinking of me all I could think about was my next escape.

He gave me every opportunity in life he possibly could.

I compromised my morals for just about anything to make me numb.

How could such a selfish child come from such an amazing man?

Now there’s no time.

In a moment he was gone.

Giving no time to mend.

I thought I had more time.

How could I not see what was right in front of my eyes the whole time.

That’s right, it’s because I always had my face up to a mirror.

The worst feeling in the world

Is losing you.

To Lose a child cut my Loving heart straight

in two.

Tears flow from my face like a raging river

with dangerous winds.

I look in the mirror wanting to see

my own end.

My heart is bleeding and my words

are so very few.

Until we meet again, all i can say is

I Miss You.