As a young child,

I had to say goodbye to my grandpa

He had been apart of my life

From the day I was born

Along with my grandma,

He was always there

With arms wide open,

Reaching out for a warm hug

He was constantly cracking jokes,

Giving the gift of laughter

Despite how he felt, my grandpa

Was only concerned with

Making those around him feel better

Once the cancer took over,

He slowly faded away,

Like a wilting flower

I'll always remember the day

I said farewell to him

Standing at his side,

I gripped his hand,

And said a few simple words,

"I love you"

At that point, he was a husk

Of his former self,

So skinny his ribs starkly stuck out

The twinkle of life no longer shone

In his dark eyes

But from the look on his face,

I knew he'd understood my words

I could see the feeling was returned

After that brief exchange,

I quickly walked away,

Holding a blank expression,

While fighting to keep

Fresh tears firmly at bay

I remember

sitting alone

in a room

not my own

listening

to the song

Ben

on my child-friendly

record player

and weeping

big tears,

silent tears,

though the door

was closed

and my mother

was in the kitchen

emptying her soul

to her friend –

whose home

we had

invaded –

bitter and sad

scared and worried

small and alone

so overwhelmed

that

I would

leave behind the

cathartic comfort of

the room

the song

my own

5-year old angst

and longing

to pat her shoulders

tenderly

whispering

Don’t cry, Mommy,

we will be fine

I will take care of you

I love you,

while my little girl

heart wept

alone.

I wasn’t born into darkness as I assumed

For many years I blamed demons for taking my soul

At such an early age he took me too soon

And here I am in this life paying a toll

Ten years old was way too young

To even comprehend what he was doing

But all I wished was for it to be over and done

I wanted him to pay, but instead, I was shunned.

Of course, it wasn’t that simple as I balled my fist

He’d caress my baby skin so gracefully, I cringed

I went to swing, and he’d catch my arm and hiss

“Don’t spoil the moment little one,” I become unhinged.

Every touch in those forbidden places left a mark

Upon me that no one will see, but only he’ll know

So I lay still under his hard body in the dark

Waiting for the light to blind him and show

What he was doing to my body, my soul and heart

As tears stung my young brown eyes, dropping upon my skin

He attacks me like a hungry shark

And I just lay there, giving in

I beg to the heavens to let this not be real

Whispering, “I’ll be a good girl, I swear…”

Will I ever heal?

For once I pray that this is only a nightmare

With being told it’s time for bed

Just as the theme tune to

Take if the unexpected begins.

So the only option is to creep downstairs

Avoiding the creaky floorboards as you do

To watch the tv show which captivates you

Through the narrow crack in the door that

Your mum uses to listen out for your footfalls.

You rarely get caught but...

You just have to watch that show

Waking up super early on a Saturday morning

Of your own volition

To watch Saturday morning children’s TV

Although waking up that early in the week is a myth

An annoyance adults inflict on children

Just so they don’t have to suffer alone

When they rise for work.

How little we know.

That famous sentence uttered by many a child.

When I grow up I’ll always stay up late.

A statement you wish you could live up to

But struggle to enact.

The fervent exclamations of childhood

The games

The love

The wanderlust of being alive and if simply being.

We must never lose that inner child

The innocence

The truth speaker

The kindness that dwells naturally within.

To the adult you have become

Shake that child awake with a vigorous activity.

Abseiling. Rock climbing.

Going to the fair.

But something that shook your senses as a child and made you present and aware

Of all the wonderful things you wished to accomplish.

We built an igloo one winter and

Marvelled at the fact that somewhere in this world,

Someone had the joy of living like this at some point.

Be the child still.

Capture the heart of your inner child

And fall in love with yourself.

Rekindling those embers and stocking the flames