Vision blurring,

Thoughts whirring

Sweat forms on my brow,

Slowly dripping down

Uneven, shaky breaths

As my mouth wavers,

Grasping for a bit of air

My heart pounds,

The pulsing sound

So loud in my tender ears

My mind a mess,

Words and ideas

Bouncing around my skull,

Banging against ivory bone

No, no, no,

I don't want this,

Just leave me alone,

Please,

No more

I am taken

under,

by my own hand

...into my

imagination,

with lawless command

...here I lie 

re-baptized...

day and night,

craving dark, 

fearing light...

...gray issues

out from my roots,

across the sky...

while I still chide

this ill begotten 

pride...

as too old,

for such pursuit

...In time...

I must uncover 

as to the why,

Am I...

always game

to the song

that is played

...in fervent

sweat left

to displace

a name...

a face,

a phrase...

...who lost the key

to the track...

somewhere 

in the rain

...standing

shocked...

so far away,

from any dock

...bailing thoughts

from this deck

that's tipped

like in a suite,

teetering...

on the backs

of other peeps...

...loose tooth

footholds

spaced

precisely

as to trip 

me up...

...and tie

us down

...in this tidal

pool of ideas...

from which I drown

...for lack of one

that I recognize

...or rather...

which I fail

to stake...

as mine

The walls begin to close in.

Breathing faster.

Don't touch me.

Sight lined with black.

Head filled with clouds.

The clouds are storming.

Thunder, roaring, I can't hear myself think.

Lightning strikes, each bolt doubles the feeling.

I can't breathe now.

My lungs are closing.

I stagger and fall, but did I really?

Which way is up?

Where am I?

I said don't touch me.

I need to go.

I can't walk.

I need to get out.

I'm trapped in my head.

The world is ending.

Yes, it's about me this time.

MY world is ending.

She opens her mouth, lips flailing, but no sound comes out. The tomblike silence makes her bones shiver. June shrinks back and before she knows it, she runs to the bedroom and locks the door behind her. She leans her back on the wooden surface and collapses on the floor, trying to steady her breathing. Her breaths are shallow, her lungs on fire. Her eyes blurr from tears, a kaleidoscopic view flashes before them. She's dizzy. She retches. The room is a whirligig spining faster and faster.

She tries to focus on the glass of water on her nightstand. Her throat is dry. She desperately needs a gulp.

The water is too far, too far, too far...

Her body is paralyzed. It won't obey.

The room is so dark. I'm alone, alone, alone.

Numbness is all she feels.

Everyting spins. Spins. Spins.

Her chest heaves.

I can't breathe.

Her body struggls to catch up to her mind, racing in meteor's speed on collision course with Earth.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die too. He'll kill me, he'll kill me.

The broken sounds of your breath

as you remember his against your neck

Soon has you clawing at your chest

Leaving you suffocating on the pain and regret

You remember the anger in his eyes

The way you fell for the lies

And his charming handsome disguise

As he claimed you for his prize

The pain in your head makes you feel weak

How could you have ever been so meek

And now it’s courage you seek

Everytime you hear the floorboards creak

He said he’d never let you go, You belonged to him.

You felt the remorse of a sinner although he was the sin.

How could you have been so naive to let him in.

Now you’re left broken and the anxiety begins.

Your breath turns into butterflies and it flutters in your throat

You realise again, you’ll never be able to cope

But deep inside of you, you search for the hope

That you know you need to grasp before you begin to choke.

How could another person leave you with this kind of despair

You remember the broken bones, the pulling of hair

Its flashbacks like these that prove the world as unfair

You were good and wholesome. You need to be repaired.

When the rose tinted glasses shattered, you could finally see

The bruises and scars that had come to be

But you still craved his love and allowed yourself to bleed

Now you’re all alone and don’t realise you’re free.

Release the butterflies and let them fly away.

He was a disease and you’re free to live another day.

Speak out loud and shout the words you need to say.

I know of the pain and for you I will pray.

( hope this is ok. I haven’t written en exactly what led to it, but rather what she remembers as the panic attack hits)

A drumbeat takes up residence in my ears

pounding to the rhythm set by my heart

that I can almost feel surging up my throat

or exploding through my chest, causing

weak knees, arms dangling useless trembling hands

waves of nausea leaving a taste of bile in my dry mouth

lights dimmed sight blurred mind swept 

of logical, rational, meaningful thought 

leaving only ceaseless, paralyzing, irrational fear.

It’s/suffocating///

.,.,,

Can’t////breathe

,’,’,’

Hellllppp/me?

///////////

What/why/when/how/what/when/why/how/what/when/why/how...

Stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop

Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head. Get.out.of.my.head.

Rocking

Rocking

Rocking

Crying

Crying

Crying

Helphelphelp.

Breaking. I’m breaking. Please don’t let me break. I don’t want to be broken again.

Saveme/dontcomecloser Saveme/dontcomecloser

Gasping.

Then black.

It is so hot in here.

Why is it so hot in here?

Can anyone else see me shaking?

Do they hear I'm screaming inside my head?

I'm going insane.

I'm going insane.

Can they tell?

I'm trapped in here.

I'm trapped in here.

Will they be suspicious

if I ask to use the restroom?

They will ship me off to an insane asylum.

Why is my heart beating so hard?

Am I having a heart attack?

I am going to die

I am going to die.

Everything looks so clear

Too clear like a dream

Am I really here?

Here comes the racing heartbeat

The dizzy head

The fear of someone noticing

My mind is sceaming!

You are insane! Run!

Get out of here, call 911!

The shakes arrive

Hey, am I breathing?

I can't die here with all of these people

I need to run! Run!

I have to call 911!

I always knew this day would come

To the looney bin, my life is done!

Is someone looking?

Don't you dare cry, I can just run

Yes run! Pretend I have to pee!

Whoa is me, I cannot die here

Wait...I can focus

Maybe the straightjacket can wait

Until the next time...

I close my eyes. They sting so I reopen them, I look through blurred vision.

/breathe in for 4, out for 8/

I try to keep my hold on my pen, but it's like a 50 lb weight in my hand, so I put in down and reread my report.

/find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch/

My breathing becomes shakier and quicker, am I dying? This must be it for me.

I'm sorry Mrs. Birch, I didn't mean to steal your candy when I was in your class. And why didn't I turn in my apron from my last job, they must be so mad at me...

I try to stand but my legs are jelly and I fall right back into my chair, I can feel their stares, I know they're staring. please, pleasepleaseplease stop STARING AT ME!

/look for 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell/

Fingers turning numb, my vision blacks out, I have to get out of hear, this is a disaster zone. I can't breathe, I think I'm falling asleep, maybe then I won't wake up.. and face these terible people, don't they know staring is rude... what was i saying?.. i cant remember..

My sight turns dark.

/1 thing you can taste/