I gave you my heart

Or

Perhaps you stole it.

To be honest, I don’t remember a time

Before there was us;

A time when I was me

And you were you

And I knew myself.

My memories are all of us;

Tender,

Caressing,

Eyes entwined and

Sinking into our warmth.

There was no me

There was no you

But only we.

Until.

Until they spoke

And you awoke

From our dream

Of pleasant pastures

Cosy fires

And holding hands.

And you awoke –

A broken spell

Because of their touch,

Fingers on your cheek

Hand on your chin

Their kiss on your lips,

Sucking you from me.

And you saw you

Again.

And then you saw them.

I’m left alone,

Not me again,

Just a hanging part of us,

Like a broken door

On broken hinges

Hanging and useless.

There was no me

There was no you

But only we.

Now

There is nothing

A perfect freckled face.

Each speckle intricately placed.

A cute structured jaw.

Chiseled to leave me in awe.

A handsome soft grin.

To get lost for hours in.

A nice enchanting voice

Drew me near without a choice.

A witty humor shined.

Causing laughter every time.

But, OH! NO MORE! I cried,

Like the sky the day you died.

I looked to the pictures, sweet,

But, all I did was weep.

In my mind, the memories played,

But I wished your soul had stayed.

You, indeed, were gone too soon.

Before I confessed my love for you.

For just one more hug I wish,

And, if possible, a kiss.

Why’d I watch from off afar?

Now, I wonder where you are.

You, yourself were such a light.

Dancing through my dreams at night.

Since you left this dreary earth,

I have questioned my own worth.

I did not want you to go.

Why you left us, I don’t know.

Just one certain fact I’ve got;

I awakened. You did not.

I remember when I first saw you. I was a child you were older, more sophisticated and worldly. My family assumed it was just a crush, that I'd outgrow it and someday look back and blush at my childish fancy. That never happened. I am grown now and you are still as handsome and wonderful as ever. I've learned to hide my love from others knowing they will never understand how I feel. Boys then men have tried to court me but I brush them all aside, none could ever match your wit, intelligence and charm. I see you with other women and although it pains me, deep down I know that they will never understand or appreciate your true self the way I do. Despite this love I know there is an insurmountable barrier between us. I know that I should just settle for someone reachable but every time I consider one of them I can't seem to look past their flaws. I know you have flaws as well but yours I understand and adore you not in spite of but because of. This lifelong love of mine is doomed and you don't even know I exist. Because in your world I don't, I wish you were real Batman.

The first time I saw you... I hated you. And my hate grew bigger and bigger but I had no more place to keep it. You were the 'prize' boy to the teachers.. The 'brilliant student' to my parents.

Every time I secured the second highest marks.. I heard the oh-so-old repetition humming around.. They don't remember the second.

And obviously you didn't.

My head thought something.

My heart thought otherwise.

I delved deeper into academics.. I had to erase the 'loser' reputation!

The final year.

You came second... Oh! What joy...

I remember dancing around in my room. I remember that my parents were aghast.. They never thought I'd make it.

But..days later.. When I heard.. You were addicted to drugs.. I lost it.

I tried in so many ways.. You didn't listen to anyone. And obviously you didn't listen to me.

The day I heard of your overdose- I knew it was the end.

Silly me! I wanted to begin something new.. I contradicted myself.

I loved you, Jonathan.

Sorry. I couldn't save you.

I know that we're not meant to be

I know that you will never love me

I know that you will never care

But still I wish for a love affair

I know that friends is all we'll be

I know that all I am is me

I know that thats not enough for you

But still I wish for romance too

I know that I should try to fight this

I know that all of this is pointless

I know that my feelings are overdue

But still I wish for only you

There was a time I was startled by the way love can brew. The way it cooks up in your heart. Like a stew with meat, carrots, onions, and chunks of potato and a just-right, clinging, and thick gravy. The rich brown gravy coats everything. It’s what we drag our warm crusty bread through not to miss a swirl at the bottom of the bowl. It makes us smack our lips, contemplating seconds. I had that once. He was rich with life and love, and his brown warmth coated everything until it didn’t.

It didn’t because I wasn’t selfish enough, but he was. It didn’t because we lived eight hours apart. Those miles and that time were daunting for him, but not for me. I traveled it to see him, but it wasn’t enough.

I knew immediately that what we had spanned lifetimes, and this was our chance in this one to finally make it right. Fix the karmic debt of our past and love one another with complete abandon as we did when we were together.

I was his “baby girl,” and he was my “big daddy.” Silly, but touching, sentimental, and stirring.

Up to that point, the steam was hot enough to burn, and the intensity could pour through the phone screens. Quickly “love you” got the “I” and was transformed though it was only blurted out suddenly because of his desperation to cling to me while also trying to turn away. What a problem for him, but not for me. Love is love is love. I can love from a distance or proximity. I will make it work and make things happen if I’m shown the love that makes it all worthwhile.

We could talk for hours, literal hours, and fall asleep on the phone. I listened to him snore on the other end and dreamed we were next to one another. Close enough to feel his warmth and his hand reach for mine while sleeping deeply.

I was convinced we were going to make it work when he suddenly got divorced. It gave me the courage to do the same. After weeks of silence on and off as he navigated the trials of separating a household and ending a relationship of some 20 years, he’d come back. He’d tell me how he’d missed me and never stopped thinking of me and how he didn’t want to give me up.

I believed him. I believed him when he said he wanted me there with him. I reminded him he still had to work on his “my time.” He agreed, but with such exuberance and excitement for our future, we talked and shared feelings and desires and ourselves openly and freely with one another all the time. He told all his friends about me and showed my picture. One of his friends said to him I looked like the type he’d marry, and he agreed. My heart soared at the prospect of it all. I checked in with him about these things often, so I was sure all was well.

Then in mid-conversation one night he just stopped talking. No matter what I said over the next weeks, he didn’t reply. I was so worried that something had happened. I wrung my hands; I cried, I searched for news announcements in his town. I heard nothing. Finally, one day, he replied that his circumstances had changed. He said it was work, but he wouldn’t be able to be available to me like he had been. He was aloof and withdrawn. I checked in again some weeks later and got a reply that we were good; he was just not available right then to talk.

After some more time passed I messaged him again and told him I was leaving for a writer’s conference I was very excited about and then he dumped it all on me…he’d moved to the Midwest from the coast he loved so much. He worked there now and had a girlfriend. He’d wished me luck at the conference but said that once again he didn’t have time to go into details.

So, he’d left me. He’d left me behind in the dust of his jeep, or truck, or motorcycle who knows. God knows, I don’t. I cried the night away before my trip and wept for him every day while I was there. I’ve never heard from him again. I still think of him every single solitary day.

I still cry often, as often as I am right now writing this. I was discarded just as he said he’d never do. I wasn’t chosen, I don’t know now if I was ever even really loved. It is a pain that is almost too hard to bear when I take it out and look at it all.

The recipe for our romance had all the perfect ingredients, but the two most important ones were he and I. Together we blended the right amount of spice, flavor, and tenderness to make a dish neither of us could get enough of. Then, there it was, he’d had his fill and pushed away from the table. Wiping his mouth, he laid his napkin down and walked away without considering the mess he left behind. There was still plenty of delicious gravy waiting in the bottom of his bowl. If he’d just torn off another piece of bread and swiped through it, it might just have changed his mind. Instead, he left the debris that I had to wade through while trying to hold my heart up high enough to safely navigate it and free myself from his disregard.