Grandma fell asleep again,

making those loud noises like a volcano

I walk up to her chair and pull on her hair,

but she won’t wake up

I breathe out loudly through my mouth,

And my eyes catch onto the open screen door

I shuffle towards it,

push my shoulder against one end,

And make the space wider

Standing on the deck,

I look at the shimmering pool

And pull my shirt over my head

My feet are already bare and dirty

Like my naked legs, my thoughts are running

I want to try and breathe water

So I can move to the ocean

And swim with the fishes

I want to float or fly,

Like I’m way up in the sky,

So I can look down at all the people

I’m still running

And then my legs touch air,

And then my toes touch liquid,

And then I’m under,

Flying through the water

I’m drowning

And Grandma’s still sleeping.

I had the craziest idea.

What if we were assigned the soulmate that we'd love and cherish forever so we don't deal with relationships that go down the drain and save the heartbreak of everyday teens?

Just imagine the time and emotion that would save.

People are scared of the unknown.

They fear what they do not understand and what they cannot control.

A problem is that control,

itself,

doesn’t really exist,

but rather,

is a construct,

of our minds.

Can we not,

therefore,

choose what we are,

and are not,

afriad of?

(do we?)

Would we choose

to be

fearless?

Does fearless mean

safe?

Might it mean

unaware?

How do we make the ends meet,

of fear and control,

of power and responsibility,

of responsibility and anxiety,

of comfort and pleasure,

of object,

and subject.

Unseen, but not unheard.

That was the hard truth she’d learned to accept in her younger years.

Well, the former had always been true. The latter was always a sticking point in her sanity. Sometimes the voices trailed behind her, lingering in open archways, calling to her from afar.

Their words are never able to form themselves into anything more than a distant query. She’d learned to stop asking for clarity, they would not give it. Maybe they were unable. She didn’t know, and frankly after so many years grew beyond caring.

The constant noise was enough to make anyone stark raving mad. Voices, voices, so many voices. It was maddening.

The past was now, the present tomorrow, and the future seemingly never to be. Stuck in time she thought. With nobody to commune with. What a pity it must be. A mere imprint of their lives, a pale echo of what was.

Long ago, almost further back than she could remember, her mother had pulled her aside. For what, she could not recall. She only remembered her soft black hair, how it swung into her eyes when she bent down to speak. It was pleasant. To be spoken to with such gravity.

So long ago. So long since she’d felt her mother. The warmth of her palm on her cheek. Her father and brother gone away in the same instant. Washed away into nothingness.

She’d consulted others, trying to find them. In their world. Wherever it was. To speak her last words, to lament the time stolen away on a rainy night.

Anger, frustration, passionate rage. On the worst nights they bubbled up without consequence. Her good intentions, her sweet nature washed away in brief bursts of violence.

Talk to me.

The slam of the door. Saved for only when she was truly enraged.

Listen to me.

A wail of anguish, echoing in the darkness.

No answer, save for the unintelligible whispers.

Speak up, speak up.

She could see them walk around.

Listen, listen.

On the nights where they huddled to grieve. She watched alone.

See me. See me.

It is so hard to be timeless without you.

Fall into the nether

Neither here

Nor there

The mythical is most alluring,

When one has that from which to run.

They told me there is power

To be held within the truth.

Here begins your journey.

Your spiritual awakening.

A step into the unknown world

few receive an invitation to.

Don’t you feel grateful?

Don't you know how lucky you are?

A step through the two-way mirror,

Tentative and meek,

Foot falling into damp green grass,

Flower petals and blue skies,

The orchestra announcing your arrival.

There is meaning there, there is purpose.

No more questions, no more uncertainty

Eternity at your fingertips

Reach out and discover the meaning of all.

They don’t tell you of the river,

When you set upon a small canoe

And sail down the riverside,

Smiling far and wide.

The ending is a waterfall,

A thousand feet to go before

The water glistening below

And the water is so dark

So dark

It's almost black

And it gurgles

And it spits

And it calls to you invoices

Menacing and deep

And tells of the ways

Death will call upon your name.

Fall into the nether.

Neither here nor

There

A free fall for the ages

A scream trapped in your throat

You will never be able to release

All the green envy you’ve ever felt

Escaping through your pores

Fermented poison clogging up

Your nose and making your eyes water

Fall into the nether

Neither here

Nor there

Every darkest fear you've had

Every mistake you've made

Every bad decision

Prohibition

Inhibition

Atone! For your sins

In blood and gore

Tear apart your clothes until

You tear at skin

There is no place for tears

Here, oh sweet child

Don't you want to know

Who made us?

Agony unlike

Any which you've felt before

They call it ego death

Ego is the death of all

But it feels as if your soul

Your very essence bleeding dry

The catastrophe of one's destruction

There is no place for fear here and yet

You are terrified

You'll beg for it to stop

I don't want to know

I want to live

Please let me live

I don't want to know who

Created us

Or what my purpose is

I want to read good books

And watch tv

Please

Please

Please

Please I miss my mom

And this is how it ends:

please

mama

please

mama

please

mama

“I have an idea,” Brenda told me, flipping her brown-black hair and blowing a bubble with the ever-present pink gum in her mouth.

“For once,” Lucky grumbled, rolling his hazel eyes.

“Trust me,” Brenda insisted, once again snapping her gum. “If this works, we can finally get outta here.”

“Don’t you like the circus?” I questioned, turning my piercing amber eyes on Brenda.

“I hate being a freak,” Brenda whispered.

“You’re not a freak!” I exclaimed, shaking my head wildly, causing my flaming red hair to shake wildly, even in its loose pony-tail. “You are not a freak Brenda, especially not here. We all belong here, no matter what.”

Lucky glanced at me, shaking his head and flipping his sandy-blonde bangs. “Yeah, sure,” Lucky drawled sarcastically. “Everyone else just doesn’t like us because…”

I slumped, and my friends gave me the I told you so glance.

“So, what’s the plan?” I asked.

“We run away,” Brenda said simply, her blue eyes showing her determination. “Don’t give me that look, I know that Cerberus will come chasin’ after us, but not if he is too busy rounding up the lions.”

I smiled at that. I always had a way with lions, considering I was one eight the big cat. “He’ll know it’s a ruse,” I said suddenly. People had tried to escape the circus before, bur Cerberus had always caught them.

Brenda, Lucky and I had grown up here, hearing stories about those who tried to escape. Every time, they were caught by a monster that had been dubbed “Cerberus.” As children, we had never considered escaping; we were told of how horrible the outside world was. We were told how we would always be judged, and scorned upon.

We had believed them, of course, until we heard a couple of kids talking about a girl named Rapunzel. We were going through the same thing she was.

“We have to try,” Lucky decided.

Brenda and I nodded, and we grabbed our few things and folded them carefully into our hammocks, and tied it around our waist. Brenda grabbed her swords, Lucky grabbed his fencing gear, and I reached for a whip. We all nodded at each other before walking to the lions den and setting them free and taking off like the world was on fire.

My side seemed to have torn, and my legs were screaming in pain, but I kept running, Brenda and Lucky at me heels. I had almost thought we were going to make it when Brenda screamed “Léaina! Help me!”

I spun around just in time to see one of my best friends fall to the ground in a pool of blood, her eyes bulging.

"Keep running!” Lucky screamed, shoving me forwards. “She’s go-”

Lucky’s eyes suddenly widened and he fell to the ground, moaning. “Run, Léaina,” he hissed, shoving me forwards with his last bit of strength.

Yet, I did not go. I grabbed him in my arms, dragging him along with me, even though I was slowing myself down.

“Leave me, please,” he ordered.

“No, I can’t lose both you and Brenda!” I whispered, but Lucky barely had time to attempt at shaking his head before he slumped over completely. I had known this was a crazy idea but I had said nothing- and now my best friends were dead. Both of them.

I whimpered before dropping Lucky and returning to my running, only to bump into something invisible and feel teeth digging into my throat.

I heard you have found

someone else now

it’s okay

I’ve almost forgiven myself

for not being able to

forget you.

It’s okay

I will be okay

I have to be.

Happily ever after -{renata ferretti}

why are you afraid

i am of beyond

the sea dividing seas

the ethereal veneer

i serve all of time

time is not my Father

i use all of space

space is not a foe

our seas cross

at the firmament

the eternal gateway

the airy veil

do not be afraid!

we are one in He

for the veil obscures

they who fear death

i thought i had moods

i thought i had problems

i thought i had sticks & stones

laying in my way, in my beautiful way.

the lady asked me to stay, while all the other teenagers that i had been chatting and joking around with left the room.

my palms were sweaty,

i was trying to figure out what i had done wrong.

then she asked me: "aRe yoU a dEEply uNhappY perSon?"

i remember

my past and my future shattering,

crumbling to dust.

i realized

it was me.

i was a problem,

and my way was sticks & stones.

I am the festering thought that burrows.

Holds tight as you peer into the faceless future.

You wish me away but I curl like an oily trap around your thoughts.

Let me overstay and suddenly you are filled to the brim.

Too easy it is to write me off as a temporary hesitation or brief flit of insecurity,

Too easy it is to pretend me away, to shake my utterances from your head.

But I know what is deep inside.

I know what is true.

That behind your gilded valor, I know the real you.

The terror behind the visage. The spineless being you are.

I am the rot that lies within.

I have burrowed deep inside.

You are left with me when all you’re better whims subside.

You may weather.

You may suffer.

You may rail against me

But I am what is left at the end.

When dark has come and light has no sanctuary.

Where there is light, a shadow is cast.

Where there is music, a silence to be felt.

Where there is laughter, sorrow to follow.

But what is the absence of bravery, of courage, the dauntlessness that we honor?

It is me my friend.

And my, what a pair we make.

For you know me most intimately of all and I am the only companion you can never forsake.