I used to be afraid

Of the monsters

That lurked outside

In the darkness of night

But now that I'm older

I'm terrified by the ones

That thrive

On the inside

Thumbs fumble and caress,

exacerbated in mid-movement,

stress refusing to slip away.

Toes fidgeting, mouth stuttering,

eyes glossed beneath their cage;

warm lips sewn shut by breath alone.

Throat burning, stomach churning,

every sound becomes a bell,

every word garbbled; unnerved.

I smile

When I think of you.

My memories of you are framed

Within a misty haze.

I never saw your faults

Only the tender reality

Of your flawed perfections.

The gentle curving veins

Along your wrist

Shifting as your pencil glides

Effortlessly

Across a scrap of paper.

The slight protrusion of your Adam’s apple

Bobbing as you swallow thoughtfully.

The simple concentrated gaze

And calm and steady silence

Glowing while you create a work of art.

The warmth and mystery

Contained within

Your hazel blue-green eyes.

The merry grin

That comes so easily

Even when you’re feeling down.

The pensive melancholy

That clouds your expression

When you think no one is looking.

I care. 

I cared.

Ripe, plump and flawless, ready for the picking

Moist dewy skin rosy and akin to juicy fruit dripping

Luscious and mellow inciting riots of yearning

Succulent to thirsty taste buds, ambrosia to tongue

lush melon breasts firm and uplifting to touch

tongue, teeth and hands massaging her harvest

sweetest treat found in the core of her being

sap of my soul overflows into woven basket

substance of our passion comingles in lust

fruit lies fallow after desire rainbow subsides.

The window breaks. You watch as glass flies everywhere, blanketing the ground with glittering shards. At first you feel nothing. The window is gone but the difference is not yet clear. You see out into the world through the gap just as you always did. Then the glass bites at your arms as it flies, leaving marks on your skin, blood dripping to the floor. Then you feel the cold. Wind blows through the gaping hole and you shiver at its caress. You stand there, goosebumps rising on your flesh, for a short eternity before you finally move searching for a sweater. After twenty minutes of searching you finally find one at the bottom of your closet and as you shrug into it the rough wool scrapes against the wounds left by the window's destruction. You try to remember the last time you wore a sweater, already missing the silent protection the window offered without you even noticing. Sweater in place, you search for something to fill the gap. Eventually, you find a plastic sheet and tape it into place over the hole. Sweeping the shards to the side, you turn away from the carnage and go to bed. 

You wake the next morning and re-enter the kitchen. Habit takes over and as the coffee pot begins to heat you grab your sponge and turn to pull back the drapes before it comes back to you. You remember what happened and your hand falls, coming to rest on the marks on your arm. After a moment you sigh, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders and turning back to your coffee.

As the weeks move on the wounds on your arms heal. You get used to wearing a sweater around the house. Eventually, you replace the window. But the new window is of a different style, more plain looking and sturdy than the previous one.  You still find glass from time to time in the carpet and for a moment it takes you back and you find yourself lost in that night again. As you become comfortable with the new window you wear sweaters around the house less and less but you never let them become buried quite so deep again. The window becomes part of your past but the scars will always remain.

Why me?

I'm not good enough,

Why me?

You deserve so much better.

Yeah I'm better than your past girls

But I'm still not good enough.

Anyone is better than me,

You deserve better than me.

I am nothing

I am worthless.

How could you love me?

How can I tell you

How I feel inside

How do I let you in

I try and try

But you don't want to hear

Unlike me

You show your pain

Everyone near

Holds you dear

They see you cry

And they wipe the tears

I'm the person

Who is holding you close

Fearing you may leave me

I'm the one

Who tried to love you the most

Hoping that you would see me

Praying that soon

Maybe

You would hold me instead

But to this day

That time hasn't come

I stay here instead

And cry alone

No one hears my wails

No one sees the pain

I wear a mask

Sort of like you

But mine is permanent

So nothing shows through

I may be laughing

But a tear just ran down my cheek

I may be singing

But a wail is hidden beneath

I may be smiling

But that's all you can see

Or at least what you choose to see

I try to reveal the pain

The suffering

But you turn your eye

I try to let you see

What you are doing to me

I try let you know

That I need you to help me

I've thought about things

Things that truly scare me

I've thought of my body so cold

Head finally empty

I try to tell you

But you turn away

I think

Of what you would say

Wondering

Who would be the ones to cry

Questioning

If anyone would wish I had stayed

I think you might shed a tear

Maybe spare a memory

But in the end

I would be a story

That disappeared

I try to tell you

To let you know

But you are silent

As my words seem to fall

On deaf ears

Can't you all see

What you are doing to me

No

You just go

You run

You're gone

But I'm not

I stay for you

Because I still love you

Even though I'm dying

I try to bring you to life

I try everything to make you smile

I care

Even if you don't

I guess

What I want you to know

Is that I'm hurt

And you have hurt me too

But I don't care

Because I will always love you

Lust and Love

Not one in the same

But....when the two collide,

sparks fill the evening sky,

a new galaxy is created

as lover's sighs waft upward

Two hearts basking in the glow

of the heavens they created