To pretend

I count to ten

Until I am 

in bed again

I don't intend

On being dead again

In my coffin

Cold and rotten

Trying to forget 

I'm forgotten 

the very first man I have ever loved

stuck dynamite between his fingertips

and raised it to the lips

that he used to kiss me

lecture me

call me his little angel

that day I promised

love will never kill me

I would never slowly

and purposefully

seize my death upon

someone I had loved

but I got to taste your lips

it was the coming together

of orange juice and toothpaste

such pure singulars

but wretched allies

that was the day I got a bite of dynamite

I brought you up to my face

like my father with his

sticks of suicide

and when I brought you to my lips

I saw my gravestone

chiseled into your eyes

You only have it 

When you can't have it 

A bad habit 

That's quick to commit

A feeling fit for the unfit 

With an unfettered grip 

And a slip from sanity 

Finding fantasy in the profanity 

Of a one way street

Loves like that

One oblivious 

Another in defeat  

I'm peeling an onion

That's hollow inside

The first layer is where 

The appearance resides 

What shows on the outside

The second layer shares

Thought through art and emotion unified 

Where feelings and color coincide 

The third layer bares

The brunt of despair inside 

Confides the pain that's applied

Contemplates suicide 

There is no core 

No layer deeper 

Maybe once before 

I was the keeper

Of confident kindness 

In a world colored with emotion 

I now live with colorblindness 

Those white walls of my room know everything. They have heard my sorrowful sobs and my hollow laughter. They have heard me weeping and my agonising yowl. They've heard me scream and writhe in pain. They've not seen it, but they've heard my loneliness when the symphony of silence played louder than the ticking of the old clock. They have heard my anger as it erupted like a dormant volcano, filling the room with incoherent words. They have heard my insanity as my tears suddenly turned into a maniac's laugh.

A laugh that resonated time and again reminding me how I had let my sanity slip away with time.

Yet,

They choose to remain silent, after all I have suffered, they choose not to speak. They've bore the pain of the punches I threw at them, the way my nailed clawed at them, tearing away the white wallpaper away. The way I smeared the thick red blood that seeped out of my wounds. They remained silent when I talked about my frets and twinges. They made me wonder if they were friends who knew that what I was suffering from or foes who were secretly judging my existence.

Soon enough.

I saw ears.

Here and there and everywhere.

I giggled at my madness.

You ran like a thief in the night

Certain you'd find your salvation

Forgiveness sold in 20 oz bottles

A 30 pack equals liberation

You walked out on me & our life

Without one bit of consideration

Except for yourself & your selfish need

To feed your self-gratification

Tell me how that's working for you

Give an honest evaluation

The life of the party on social media

And everyday is a celebration

But I see the lie in your smile

Empty eyes full of desperation

You won't admit, even to yourself

This life hasn't met expectations

Do you feel guilty about leaving me

Hopeless, overcome by devastation

Guilt because you've let people down

So you ignore the implications

You'll save face as long as you can

Prolonging the potential humiliation

So another margarita, 2 more beers

Keep up your continuous intoxication

I know what you're doing, I do it too

Seeking that numbness - dissociation

Pretending that you're happier now

And that life is great after the relocation

words trickled from

pen to paper

i'm sorry;

pieces of me, for you (to savor)

how i wished to hide

between space and time

instead i lied

line after line.