You Don’t Deserve My Apology
Maybe if I hadn’t been so sad
You would’ve stayed.
I hated myself for crying
Because I thought I was the problem.
I overlooked your flaws
And that was the problem, not me.
I won’t apologize for loving
I won’t apologize for being me.
As my world burned, I threw away the matches. I knew that I needed to begin again, and what better way to do that than to rise from the ashes of what was? I walked away from my past, sirens wailing in the distance, looking ahead at what was to come.
Strong for too long
This body is stronger than I believed it to be. It has carried me through many battles, some won and others lost. But I can tell that it's growing weak. It's movements have slowed and it takes longer for it to rise in the morning.
I am forever grateful that this body has supported me for as long as it has but we are both tired now. We have both been strong for too long. This body has fought longer than I have had the will too. I fear that we are both nearing our ends.
For what is a body without a soul? A soul without a body? We had become one, and now we are no more.
Please take caution before entering my mind. There is no roadmap or guide to lead you through the maze. And I'm afraid I cannot help you either, for I got lost among the tangled weeds of my mind years ago.
I'd advise that you stay on the outside, where the sun shines and the trees are sparse. This lovely field where the flowers grow is what the world often sees of my mind. It is open and warm, almost like a dream. It is safe.
Beyond the treeline, however, is the cold truth of what my mind really is. The further you go, the denser the trees grow and all light becomes strangled by the thick brush. Up is down, left is right, and every path narrows into nothing.
If you make it past my monsters lurking in the shadows, you will find me there. I've found safety in the dark depths of my mind, but I would be remiss if I did not warn others of the turmoil and traps that plague me.
So travelers beware- for my mind is a dangerous, twisting forest that few can find their way out of.
Precious Little Girl
At the tender age of five,
she watches daddy close the door
little does she know
her family is no more.
At the tender age of eight,
her mother seems so far
as she drinks away her life,
from a mason jar.
At the tender age of ten,
she feels a darkness closing in
Her lungs are filling with water,
She only wishes she could swim.
At the tender age of twelve,
the voices are too loud
telling her to end it all
yet no one hears a sound.
At the tender age sixteen,
she meets her dreadful end.
She looks so damn beautiful
surrounded by flowers sent.
It shocks her mother sober.
Her baby is no more.
A tear slips down her father’s face
as he closes the hearse’s door.
What is a nun if not a prostitute? She sells herself to the Lord each day, morning through night. How long until she realizes that she is a widow in a world where God is dead?
The love pouring from me is pure
but that does not mean that my heart is perfect.
You only see my heart of gold
but not all of the cracks hidden underneath.
"I won't break your heart."
I should've known you were a liar from the start.
I can’t escape her, no matter how hard I try! I’m exhausted from years of trying to outrun her, to hide from her, and even trying to kill her. But she can’t be stopped.
I woke up this morning hoping that she wouldn’t be there, but of course she was. She was waiting for me with a devilish grin sitting on her lips and a playful glint in her eyes. She seemed all too happy to see my miserable face walking toward her.
“Good morning!” She chirped. I ignored her, as I always did. “Don’t be like that, sweetheart. Talk to me. Indulge me.”
I knew if I acknowledged her it would just give her power, more control over me. Despite not responding, she knew that she had a hold on me still.
“You look dreadful this morning; couldn’t sleep well?” The truth was, I hadn’t slept in months- maybe even years. I’d close my eyes and I’d see her. I open them and there she is, whispering terrible things in my ear that echoed in my head all day. She tells me I’m ugly. I’m fat. No one loves me. No one ever will.
Most days I try to ignore her, but I know that even when I turn away from the mirror, she will still be there. Most days I try to forget that the monster is me.
Vitam Et Mortem
She smiled down at the newborns in the nursery, their cooing and cries made her fill with warmth. She gave each one a quick peck on their head before moving back into the hallway. People were rushing around her in all directions, not once noticing her calm presence. She just smiled softly to herself before moving onto the next part of her day. She went up to the next floor where the ICU was, but more importantly, the NICU.
This floor alway weighed more heavily on her soul than the rest. She had less control here, less of a chance at creating happiness. Despite the terrible toll this area took on her, she knew she had to always try.
Once again, no one noticed her presence. It wasn’t their fault though, she chose not to make herself visible to them. She watched as they busied themselves with their tasks until she felt a pair of eyes on her. The feeling spooked her since no one was supposed to see her.
She looked down the hall and saw the icy blue eyes that were trained on hers. She knew who he was, she had even met him a few times in the past. She could hear the sobs from the room he was exiting and she knew he was working. Her focus was finally broken when both of them heard a shriek from the NICU area. They both headed in that direction and her heart began to race.
The scene before her was crushing.
New parents were grasping the side of an incubator where their tiny baby lay still. The monitors were all flatlining and she knew she had to intervene soon or he would take control. She took a step towards the baby but a cold hand caught her wrist.
“You know the rules. The heart already stopped so it’s mine,” he spoke calmly. She couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks that were rosy and full of life.
“Please, Death! Let’s bend the rules just this once. I’ll owe you,” she begged, looking between his emotionless face and the family.
“You’re not supposed to make a deal with the devil, angel” he chuckled dryly.
“It’s a good thing you’re not the devil then,” she challenged. He shook his head then sighed. He released her wrist and nodded towards the infant. She was in disbelief and wanted to hug him but another cry brought her attention back to her purpose.
She went over to the lifeless child and looked down, focusing all of her energy towards her hands. Death stood by the door, mesmerized as light began to shine from her fingertips. She reached down and gently pressed her hands to the child while the doctors were working to bring life back to the tiny body.
Light and warmth filled the child’s chest as tears leaked down her face. In order for life to be given, some had to be taken, and she always chose to give from herself. The light she was emitting she would never get back.
That’s why the rules were in place; if they were already dead, Death got to claim them. If she tried to bring back every dead person she would kill herself before she even got through a handful.
She heard the little heart monitor start to beep again as the mother collapsed on the floor in relief. The doctors all got to take a breath but they knew they had more work to do, but as for her, her work there was done. She took a step back but ended up stumbling, her legs weak beneath her. Before she could hit the floor, however, a pair of strong arms wrapped around her. She looked up into the same icy blue eyes that still managed to chill her.
“Let’s get you outta here, angel,” he mumbled as he helped her walk from the room. That was the start of a weird and beautiful friendship.
A few months had passed when she was sitting in her garden with the warm sun shining down on her, the blossoming petals sweetening the air. She would often sit amongst the flowers, feeling at home surrounder by blooming life. Her peaceful trance was disrupted when she heard a sob in the distance. She knew immediately who it was when her rose bush began to wilt. Her head hung in sadness as she heard another sob.
She wanted to run to him, but she knew better. He needed time and that’s what she would give him.
After about an hour in the garden tending to her dying flowers, she decided to go and see if she could help him. She found him under a large tree that had been struck by lightening. His head was in his hands and he didn’t bother to look up at her approaching footsteps. She admired his vulnerability in this moment.
There were a lot of surprising things that she had learned about him through the last few months, his vulnerability being one of them. After that day in the hospital, they both decided to stay together because they needed balance in their lives. It was rocky at first, but they both learned when to help and when to take a step back.
Eventually, Death grew to love the spark that she brought into his life, and Life loved that he kept her grounded when her head seemed to be in the clouds. She helped him see the serenity in a smile and the softness in tears. She was so sensitive to the world around her and he was grateful that she let him feel just an ounce of what she did.
She learned that despite the emotionless face he had when he was working, his eyes would crinkle at the corners when he laughed at one of her jokes. He loved puppies and the birds chirping in the early morning.
He didn’t take joy in taking life, only comfort in helping people pass safely.
He gave the warmest hugs when she was feeling empty, having given a little too much, a little too often.
“Would you like to talk about it?” She asked. She sat down next to him and rubbed his back gently.
“No, I’m alright, angel,” he sighed. He laid his head on her lap and she ran her fingers through his hair. She looked down at the beautiful soul that was breaking beneath her touch.
She could see the bags under his eyes and scruff on his chin that was a bit longer than usual. She could see how difficult his days were.
While people would sometimes hate her, usually for not letting them take their own life, the hatred towards Life was nothing compared to what Death had to endure People cursed him every day, thinking of him as a monster, or a thief in the night.
But he was warm, he was energetic, and he was emotional.
“Why do people hate you? I hate that I’m loved when you receive nothing but hatred. You’re just as lovely as I am,” she whispered. She quickly wiped a tear that she hadn’t noticed had fallen. He looked up at her with a sad smile and caressed her face.
“You’re a beautiful lie they want to chase, angel, and I am the painful truth they refuse to face,” he sighed. She bit her lip to choke back the sobs that were threatening to escape. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Warmth began to radiate from her fingertips, a light glowing softly. “Angel, what are you-”
“Please, let me,” she cried. He tried his best to relax and understand why she was doing this. He felt a warmth envelope him and a serene energy settle into his bones.
He didn’t deserve her life. She was too pure and he didn’t deserve such goodness in his life. How did she find him worthy of giving him something she could never get back? He would never understand.
She didn’t care if he understood, however. All she knew was that she needed to help this broken, beautiful man. She let her light fill the cracks in his soul and melt away the ice that had encased his heart from the never-ending hatred that was sent his way. She knew the sacrifice she was making in parting with a piece of her soul but she wouldn’t take it back if she could.
She finally let out a sob as she dropped her hands to her side, her soul nearing empty but her heart ever so full. Death quickly sat up and pulled her against his chest. He laid the two of them back against the tree, his arms wound tightly around her as if she make sure she wasn’t going to fall apart against him.
“You’re worth it-” she mumbled.
“No, angel, don’t talk. You need to rest,” he told her, a tear falling from his eye.
“You’re beautiful too,” she whispered before falling into a deep sleep in the warm embrace of Death.