i have never wanted to heal so bad.

i have never wanted to heal so bad.

never wanted to fall back in love with life, to look forwards to waking up, to shrug off my ever-present cloak of depression and be able to live with the same saturation as before.

i mourn who i was before, but i do not want to be her again. i must change, as we all do, as it is healthy, but i do wish i hadn't changed into such a excuse for who i could've been.

and i forgive myself, i do not think i am bad, or lacking, i am simply,

not whole.

i have never wanted to heal so bad, so that i can reciprocate being loved better. i want to be present with my friends, and able to have real social battery, not the half-forced laughs because i want to be able to smile with them. i want to be able to derive my own happiness from writing and existing and laughing, to prevent codependence on my boyfriend. i want to be happy on my own so i can fill his bucket too. i want to grow and change and flourish so i can share it with others.

i have never wanted to heal so bad and it's uncharted waters and i don't know how. i'm trying, believe me.

apologies for going slowly.

but also, i will take as much time as needed.

thank you.

just know, i have never wanted more to get better. to take a remedy or a pill and be happy again. i'm trying, i'm trying,

and i'll see you soon.

I cannot believe that I wasn't there for you when you were feeling so low.

That I didn't support your goals or cheer you on.

I'm so sorry that I didn't insist that you are enough--even if perfection is unachievable,

but that what you provide is absolutely close enough.

I wish I had looked at your face and always seen beauty,

kindness,

expertise and competence.

But when I look at the eyes staring back at me from the cold glass,

I see the tears tremble there.

As the wetness hits my face my guilt and sorrow consume me.

we were one-sided

you were blindsided

I was afraid of loving you

we were two paths already diverged

in a moment that we thought was merged

but instead was just crossing by

you low and me high

already knowing that it was goodbye

we hadn't even yet said hello

and I was already thinking about how to let you go

and I'm sorry that I didn't let you know

that I let you think

that I let you dream

that I let you wonder what our life could be

but we were one-sided

and not in the way of you only loving me

but in the way that we both wanted

we just wanted things differently

we were two paths already diverged

in a moment that we thought was merged

but instead was just crossing by

you low and me high

one-sided

blindsided

This here,   aint no mystery

Life... more or less filled with misery

Babies even cry upon they delivery

Dear God, I pray you deliver me

Not from sins nor from evil but save me from my memory

Please remember me,

Even though I never spent a single moment in your reverie

As I'm judged for eternity,

Please consider me

As if I'm even worthy,

Of every opportunity

Deserving to be

In your heavenly scenery

BRIEFLY, I WAS UNDER THE SPELL OF SORCERY

I was a victim of some treachery

I know I gave in to desires that's earthly

I was only hurting me..

Didn't even have the courtesy

Wanted more for me,

At times I took it forcefully

Ashamed to admit I made gains from another man's mortality

Most Importantly,

now having me some form of clarity

Which comes as a rarity,

your generosity, blessed me with this charity

Regretfully, remorseful for deeds Ive done wrongfully

No longer is there a cold hearted me,

So wholeheartedly

Something new for me,

this is my uncharted sea

I would sail endlessly

until you've undoubtedly pardoned me.

Presently,  I rather things go pleasantly

Please accept my truest apology

I’m not sure where to start.

You know I hate apologizing on the best of days, but admitting wrongdoing when I have no idea what I did wrong is torturous. Why should I apologize for trying to keep you safe?

You know I love you.

If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have told you all those truths about yourself. No one else had the courage to point out how your dark cloud engulfs others, chews them up and hacks them out like a pile of phlegm. This is why no one wanted to be around you -- why would they choose to feel like phlegm?

I was the one who told you, when no one else had the courage, that you take up more space than is owed to you. You seep into the hearts and minds of others and don’t bother to wipe your feet. You piss all over the floor and have the audacity to wonder why you get kicked out. Someone had to tell you! You needed to be stopped.

You may think I was kicking you when you were down but in reality, I didn’t want to see you get your heart broken again. You handle it like a hot potato and gasp when it ends up on the floor. I can’t be there every, single, time to shake you and yell that you shouldn’t be surprised anymore! You stage this scene so many times yet pretend you didn’t write the lines. A pathetic, miserable performance to watch.

So I had to tell you you’re unlovable. You forced my hand!

The evidence was all there, I just made you see it. All those who left, they never wanted to be here in the first place. All those who stayed, thrive when you don’t bother them. No one could bring themselves to look you in the eyes and proclaim what a sad sap stood before them, so I rose to the occasion.

Yes, I understand now that it gave you sleepless nights. Yes, I see that you’re still scraping off the burnt on residue from this truth. Yes, I know how deep of a hole my words made you spiral into.

But regardless, you crawled out! Stronger than ever! And had I kept my mouth shut you wouldn’t have done any of that work on yourself. You’re a better person now, and I’m to thank for it, not to blame.

And yet, I suppose I could have been more tactful. An argument can be made that I could have landed softer blows, ones that weren’t as ill-timed and didn’t cut as deep. I see now that every time I cut you, I left lasting damage on myself.

Why was I so cruel to myself? Even now I can’t fully own up to how badly I wanted to destroy myself, how deserving I thought I was of such destruction.

Yet a “sorry” implies recognition of wrongdoing, and a promise to not do it again.

I’m getting around to the former, but time will tell with the latter.

i forgot how your name felt

on my mouth

rich with love and somehow

nothing

you remember a stranger with

my voice

when we sat on your mom's porch

and you cried,

i said the wrong things

i will never be able to apologize to you.

Yesterday, I met a ghost. One that I meet less and less now and yet every time I see her face my body goes still and I cannot fake smiles. I cannot look at what she was and find anything good.

Yesterday, I cried so hard I wailed. I wailed because someone was there that knew her, knew her more than anyone else present. And this person saw all of the mess made- she was her witness.

And I cannot try to pretend that this ghost wasn’t me, because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I owed this person a debt. I put her into a dangerous and uncomfortable situation. And I cannot forgive myself, and I don’t expect her to either. We left the place where I met the witness of my slow and steady demise that happened some years ago now, and I felt myself go numb.

My hands began to shake and I groaned out all the excess shame and remorse hiding in places only I could feel. And all they could do was watch. They could only hold my hand and tell me, “You’re here. You’re safe. He’s not here. He cannot hurt you anymore.”

And while I was afraid of his shadow still appearing in my vision, what I feared even more than him in that moment, was the shadow of my former self, hell bent on destruction and not even aware of the collateral damage she inflicted on others, her witness just one of many.

There are moments when I wish the world would swallow me whole, that moment when the witness of my past life met me to tell me of my failings, was one of them. I remember not wanting to breathe anymore.

I became the butt of every joke there ever was and I supplied the jokes. And I think, for me, the hardest part of moving forward is being confronted with all the shit I did “wrong” while trying to cope with the terrible wrong(s) he did to me, and the countless others after him.

And what makes me angry is that I know if it was even possible to hold my wrongs and his in either hand, I know which one would be heavier: my own.

And that’s the saddest part of all of this, isn’t it?

I owe myself an apology

For being a fool

Forgive and forget

Time heals those wounds

But that doesn't pertain to

What I couldn't bring myself to do

Maybe if I hadn’t been so sad

angry

insecure

You would’ve stayed.

I hated myself for crying

yelling

begging

Because I thought I was the problem.

I overlooked your flaws

past

lies

And that was the problem, not me.

I won’t apologize for loving

trying

mistakes

I won’t apologize for being me.

Hey mom sorry I am such a shit kid

sorry that I always seem to fuck up no matter what I do

Hey brothers sorry that you got me as a sister

sorry that I am not the perfect sister that I heard y'all talking about one day

Hey dad sorry that I wasn't good enough to make you stay

sorry that you felt the need to go make a new life far away from you shit daughter

Hey Kai sorry that it is me you are with

sorry that I am nothing special but thank for choosing me

Hey Spencer sorry if I constantly fuck up with you

sorry if I pry into things I should and try to help

Hey Tyanna sorry that I have fucked up with you not once but twice

sorry that I take other peoples side when I shouldn't

Hey Bradan sorry that I hurt you

sorry just sorry about everything I have done to you

Hey Reader sorry that this is so damn sad

sorry that this might make you cry