
again
April is sadness
a reminder of my grief
the death of a friend
gives suicide contagion
ever constant funerals
Alizarin Nightmares
April has showered me in alizarin nightmares
a crescendo of voices that pummel me into blasphemy
wishing, waiting, wanting for my heart not to ache, not to break
holding, having, hoping that the May flowers to come are those of the open glade
rather than the poisons of hemlock and nightshade
trying
and I wonder when I'm supposed to trying
to cross this invisible line you seem to have drawn in the sand
when do I give up on twelve years of history
when do I stop extending out my hand
I keep falling back on this olive branch
of another text, another call
another reminder that I can't be the one to do it all
and I'm sure I'll get a text on my birthday with
"I miss you, let's make plans"
But you never replied to the text I sent back
and canceled twice on the plans we made last
and you showed up to the funeral when my grandmother died
because you were home and your mother dragged you along
and I wanted to take that as a sign that you cared anyway
but I never got another text
and my snapchat was left open on read
and I understand if you want to stop trying
but please just try telling me that instead
you
they say you have piano fingers, life gave you a doctor's scrawl
and I think it's elegant the way you pretend to lift your pinky when you drink
you tap your fingers when you're nervous, a steady beat against your palm
and your mom hates it when you crack your knuckles
but I like the way it makes your fingers pulse and your arms flex
a small and private showing of what your hands might do next
and your fingers are methodical
they count every freckle on my cheek, on my shoulder, down my back
and life gave you a blessing with hands that pulsate heat
I was given ice to match the fire that lives within your fingers and your palms
and I think its nice when your hand takes mine
our fingers laced together in a tapestry of life
In bittersweet and sage
Give me lilac lullabies, the nostalgia of my youth
Bring me daisy daydreams, for the secrets that I'll keep
Wrap me in blue hyacinth, to know I'll always stay
Crown me in your ivy wreaths, a matching pair we'll make
and even in the moments, that you're giving what I take
I'll cull meaning for myself in bittersweet and sage
Valuing the thought that counts and what they can never say
and i’m breathing
What do you want me to say?
That I can't make eye contact with myself in the mirror without starting to cry
That my therapist saw me twice before telling me goodbye, deciding for herself that I was okay
That my grandmother can't remember my name
That she asks to be shot every time that I see her
and that every time she says it
I get flashbacks to just a few months ago and a phone call
and all of the people I know that have come too close to that edge
only for some of them to fall
But I can't bring any of that up
Because even if she knew, she wouldn't remember
And at least she's still breathing
and I'm sorry
That I got defensive in the game we were playing
and I know everything you did was meant in good fun
and I'm sorry
That it went down the way it did
But it still hurt
and I'm trying not to cry and instead just politely say good night
and I'm sure the look in your eyes isn't meant to say go away
But that's how it feels
and I'm sorry
and talking about it is supposed to make me feel better
But all it does is remind of all of the things that I'm not saying
That I don't know how to say
Because how do you say to your parents just months after telling them that a second friend of yours is dead
That four more of them have tried, only they walked away
and that I can name more people I know who have been sexually assaulted than I have fingers to count on
and that the people that you think that I have to count on are just ghosts in my world
But I have to be fine
because these things aren't happening to me and everyone else has bigger fish to fry right now
Because the medication she's on is less anxiety and more depression
and she's two weeks away from what's going to be the rest of her life
and she's my grandma but she's his mom
and I'm not the one being asked to hold the gun
and I'm breathing
I'm fine
February
If January had shattered me like glass
February was the shards that were left upon the floor
we were short, and sharp, and dangerous
leaving scars upon both of our hearts
broken broken broken
and there was no winner in our desperate grasp for freedom
shadowed by the force in which we crashed to the ground
You were red- a cherry, burning red
and I was blue- ice cold, leaching color
and together all we were was
broken broken broken
pieces of shatter glass upon the floor
one-sided
we were one-sided
you were blindsided
I was afraid of loving you
we were two paths already diverged
in a moment that we thought was merged
but instead was just crossing by
you low and me high
already knowing that it was goodbye
we hadn't even yet said hello
and I was already thinking about how to let you go
and I'm sorry that I didn't let you know
that I let you think
that I let you dream
that I let you wonder what our life could be
but we were one-sided
and not in the way of you only loving me
but in the way that we both wanted
we just wanted things differently
we were two paths already diverged
in a moment that we thought was merged
but instead was just crossing by
you low and me high
one-sided
blindsided
15
our time
threats from far seas
someone entreats
nowhere to exit
they take for free
him
Sometimes I'm reminded of why I liked him
and it's like drowning and thinking I can swim
It makes me feel like it's a good idea
like maybe I should jump back in
Maybe this time we'll swim
because its times like these and you're laughing and we're crying
and being friends feels like it's easy
That I feel like trying
and I know we crashed and we fell
between poison and thorns
rushing forward onto our own swords
and if we try again
I'm sure we'll sink to the floor
left to crash in the waves of our worry and doubt
yet I'm still left to wonder
what it might feel like to swim