What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like writing words for challenges has more likelihood of success than applying to actual jobs? Why is selling writing so much easier than filling out resume after resume? Why is writing cover letter so much more boring than writing responses to prompts? Why is asking questions more fun than answering them? Will I really try to write a novel in November? Why am I exhausted? Will I ever actually succeed at finding a way to make money despite the statistics being against me, the system of interviews and networks not meant for autistic minds to navigate through?

Soul: Many things are hidden in me. Mankind awaits the gift I have to give. Man searches, searches, and searches.

Me:What do they search for?

Soul:My Maker has placed answers there for mankind. It is a bank of treasures, and this treasure I must treasure.

Me:My soul nudges me daily, saying, “Look, there is a deposit in there.”

Soul:Yes, there is.

Me:What deposit?

Soul:It is not just for your benefit. Put your worries aside and let the gifts emerge.

Me:How can I? I have bills to pay, a career to pursue, and a future to worry about. Shall I go on?

Soul:You think of all this, but are you fulfilled?

Me:But I have bills to pay and so many responsibilities.

Soul:I heard you, but... are you fulfilled?

Me:No.

By Yomika

09/06/24

I stand up. I pull my shirt up over my head and shuffle out of my running shorts. Fully naked, I lower myself to the floor and go into the obeisance position. This is my favourite position when I need to think. When I need to focus, it stills my mind like no other. There‘s no doubt in my mind that I have screwed up tonight. I have been heartless and cruel and now I am paying the price. It’s unlike me, but my ire got the best of me. I wish I could blame it on the ginger hair, but it’s much more down to wanting to get my point across rather than being kind and considerate. I let out a heavy sigh. Stupid. Definitely stupid.

out of my running shorts. Fully naked, I lower myself to the floor and go into the obeisance position. This is my favourite position when I need to think. When I need to focus, it stills my mind like no other. There‘s no doubt in my mind that I have screwed up tonight. I have been heartless and cruel and now I am paying the price. It’s unlike me, but my ire got the best of me. I wish I could blame it on the ginger hair, but it’s much more down to wanting to get my point across rather than being kind and considerate. I let out a heavy sigh. Stupid. Definitely stupid.

I close my eyes and take some deep breaths. ‘Still’, I tell myself. ‘Serve. Wait. Still. Serve. Wait’. The mantra cycles through my mind again and again. Each time, my heart slows that little bit more, my mind eases and releases the stranglehold it has on my self chastising thoughts spiralling downward. As everything disappears into a plane of emptiness, I take a moment and bathe in the silence of my mind and soul. I stay that way for several minutes until I allow one thought at a time in.

I’m surprised at the first thought that permeates my mind. ‘ What were you thinking bringing up how you and Master split ways the first time. I recognise now it’s the pain. The statement that seemed so innocent at the time. How many times now had you heard the words that they should have married you when I had the chance. That was it. That’s what triggered the backlash. It hit home and reminded me of all the times that I wasn’t enough or I was too much. Somehow, him saying it feels so much worse. Like a stake being plunged into my neck. Forgive yourself. Apologise to him. Try to explain to him. Resoloved.’ I push the words aside and move to the next.

Jealousy shoots through me. I want to lash out, to hit and scream and just release all of that futility. I have no right to be jealous, and yet I am. It’s undeniable. She gets to have his time, his attention, his energy. I miss having his eyes on me. He’s not mine, but there is no doubt that he owns me. I couldn’t get away from that fact if I tried. He just is. She gets the privilege of his attention, and so I may not see him this evening. I feel that small little knife of jealousy turn inside my heart. She doesn’t appreciate him, my Master. She doesn’t take care of him. She doesn’t help him. She just sits with her own lethargy. Date night. I try to wish them a happy evening, but it doesn’t come out quite right. I hope he believed it. Stop! Stop being jealous. It’s ridiculous! I close my eyes tighter, and try to let it all slip out, to drain away. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I try to regain the stillness.

Instead, I beat my fists against the floor. Not only does she not appreciate him, but he is not her Master. How do you come across someone so naturally skilled in the world of BDSM and not use those expertise. It’s like deciding not to use your raincoat in the middle of a storm because you don’t want it to get wet. What a senseless waste. I close my eyes and an image of the first time we met in person. I was walking down the steps to the basement when he turned, and quick as a flash, put his fingers of one hand around my throat. ‘You are mine. Do not forget. It is up to me how and when I use you. My choice of you get to come or not. My choice if I reward or deny you. Whose are you?’

A breath, rasping sound escapes my throat, ‘Yours, Sir. I am yours.’ I lower my eyes. I hope he will accept my submission. I want him to dominate me and right now. My arousal level shoots through the roof and I want this man, my Master, to do whatever likes to me. My pulse ratchets up. In that moment, I am utterly in awe of him. He controls me. He owns me. I know it, he knows it. Power and authority roll off of him and bathe me in waves of submission. I can feel my legs getting weak. The desire to bow down to him, overwhelming. That night he used me in ways I’d only dreamed and never told anyone about. My body and mind were a quivering mess, but there he is holding me, whispering in my ear, making sure all is well as I emerged out of subspace. I have marks on my body from the whip. They cross-cross my body which I love and adore. I can still feel the burning of my ass after the Spanking I’d earned by forgetting To address him as Sir in the midst of relishing the pleasure flowing through every part of my body. Man, but I could get used to this. But she doesn’t even show an interest.

She won his attention by having their date night tonight. I’m disappointed and jealous. I shall not speak with him today other than my heartless statements earlier. Are you kidding! She turned down date night to sit at home and watch telly! Is she mad? How should that ever take prority? Yikes! what A way for them to spend their engagement anniversary.

i pop online to see how he’s doing. Not great May be the evening will prove better. I get ready to slowly raise out of the vision in my head.

’Wait! What? She doesn’t want to go out regardless of the fact that she begged him to take her out. Now his frustration level is off the chart. Doesn’t she see what she does to him? In his frustration, he will work instead of spending time with me. That knife of jealousy stabs into that same old wound. It ripped through every thing. The sadness turns into rage when I learn he won’t be seeing me tonight, as he wanted to get away From her. So, she has won twice this evening. I’m defini not amused by the whole mess. That’s twice she’s taken him away and then desires nothing of him, not even his time.

I can feel my teeth gritting as I knot my jaw in restrained emotion. shes gotten the better of me time and again. She drives a wedge. I’m so angry, I can feel the rage building. It needed to dissipate.

I close my eyes again, I unclench my teeth, I let my fists let go and fall by my side. ’Patience and serve. Patience and serve. The words roll around in my head, releasing the stress. I will find a way to fix this. Just then, I hear the doorknob rattle. He enters the room. I hear his quiet laugh. ’Now that’s a lovely way to greet your Master. He steps up behind me and starts to rub his hands all over my ass. His eyes find mine. ’This is one hell of an apology’, he chuckles .’ I lower my head further. I listen as first I hear a small clinking sound. I try to place it and then it comes to me. It’s his belt buckle. Indeed the near silent swish as the leather leaves the hoops on his trousers. He walks up behind me and shoves two fingers into me. Hard. I moan as pleasure starts to build. I can hear it before it strikes, the belt slashing against my bare ass. That will definitely leave a mark, and I am so grateful. His fingers plunge in deeper and he adds another finger. I push back against him, grinding and swish, the belt falls again.

A small but happy voice answers the sound of the leather. ‘2. Thank you, Sir’ and the night suddenly is full of possibilities.

Maude has been my bodyguard for over 10 years, still the same look. I wonder if he ever smiles. We've never had any personal discussion, but today, he piqued my interest.

”Maude, come here. Tell me about your family and where you come from."

He looks so shocked and then says, “Me?"

Me: “Of course you, we are the only two in this room."

Maude: "Yes, sir. I come from the back villages in Athonianitin. I am the youngest and the only son of five children."

Me: Tell me about Athonianiti

Maude: "Beautiful, at Sundown it's filled with drunk men and gossiping women. The young men leave for the city, there's nothing for them to do. It's just... nothing much to see. People leave young and return old, ready to retire."

Me: "Do you plan on retiring there?"

Maude: "No."

Me: "Why?"

Maude: "I plan to start a driving school. I never want to retire. Retiring means rotting away. As long as I have breath, I will always do something."

Me: "Hmm, Maude, do you have a family of your own?"

Maude: "I have a daughter, but I've never married. I've had many relationships."

Me: "Never found the right woman, eh?"

Maude: "I did, in Athonianitin. She left me for the richest man in Athonianitin."

Me: "Is that why you don’t want to retire there? The memories too painful, eh?"

Maude smiles…..

By Yomika

Fantasies

Eating away at me

Pornos don't do it anymore

No

There's more that I need

Lust

It's all I want

Legs full of greed

They need someone to give it to me

Please

I can feel it in my core

I need it 'til I'm sore

The internet is a playground

What do you want to do?

Go and seek it out

Take a spin on the merry-go-round

"Daddy, May I?"

"What do you need?"

Go ahead and give me a peek

Nothing has to be lost

Just hope it won't be found

I watch as the TA finishes up and the bell rings loudly. It sounded different from the bells from middle school, that sound annoying but uncannily comforting. I turn to Lahna, who was looking at the schedule.

"So...wanna go to break?"

I got up and push in my metal chair. She follows and we out to the library where we promised to meet our friend "Prashi". I lean against the cold stone wall, the library here seems much bigger than the one at my middle school. Everyone here seems to know each other. Am I just not friendly enough? I got pulled out of my thoughts as Lahna and Prashi start squealing and hugging.

"Jeez keep it down will you two?"

Lahna scoffs, "Just cause you somehow turned emo over the summer doesn't mean we are?"

I laugh softly, Lahna definitely didn't lose her sense of humor over those two months during summer. They gossip about some things that happened to them over the summer, I occasionally join in on the gossip. Mostly I didn't have anything to share since I was in a whole other country during summer break. The things I could share were still too non-understandable. If I really did want to say it to them, I'm sure only Lahna would understand what I say.

Later on that day after math and biology, I walk over to some benches close to my next class. Lahna and Prashi were talking to like four people I completely didn't know.

"Hi..?"

Lahna looks over to me, "Oh this is sae, these people are some friends I made bestie! This is Vivi, cangie, Kate, Leha. Now we have a friend group totally better than um last years."

My face soured immediately, did she really have to bring that up? I sigh internally but keep up my facade of chillness to them.

"Sounds fun.."

They discuss about everything under the sun while I sit there thinking about the recent "developments" of my blank, empty life.

The cold school air hits my face, I can't believe middle school is already over now. It seemed like just days ago that I'd been in science class crying about a science fair project. But that's all over now I guess, like a already written page in a journal. Can't go rewrite it, can't go relive it.

I wait outside the leadership building, a larger building that was at any of the schools I've been to. I suddenly twitch recognizing the sound of my friend, Lahna. She's been my friend since 7th grade, and I hope she'll stay for the rest of my years. I laugh for the first time in awhile.

"Hi!"

Lahna doesn't say a word but just grins. We both head into leadership class together, watching as a lot of other freshmen join in. We sit next to each other at a table full of people I don't know. It seemed like a blank canvas just waiting to be painted, or a blank page in a journal to start a new journey's tale. And I was SO not ready for it. I could feel the blank future just waiting to be shown to me. But I guess...I guess I was too blind to see it.

Face nestled between supple flesh, looking up at me with those blue eyes. Your fingertips digging into the backs of my thighs, hunger driving you deeper. A flick of your tongue, and I cannot look away, you've got me hypnotized. Your lips devour me, from the inside and out, like I'm being cannibalized. I feel my stomach start tightening, like there's a thread inside, tied to the back of my bellybutton- one more flick and it's going to break. Tremors erupt in my thighs and I see stars in my eyes, knuckles turning white but I'm floating through the air like static in a television. You're looking up at me with that wicked glint in your eyes, watching me come undone.