This is not a slippery slope but an uphill battle.

No matter how high I climb, you are further,

And I am always running but I can never catch up.

I know everything about you.

I know I see more colors than you, more than you can imagine

I think this is how it will always be: too much.

I have something to tell you.

Like a flower, I both bloom and wilt in your presence

Over these months I’ve learned that you are the rain:

Voluminous amounts of you can hurt me,

Even when you’re gone.

You can only reach forward far enough,

Only close enough so I feel out of reach, beyond help,

Under this facade that I have created.

This is not an uphill battle but a slippery slope.

We are stuck within a loop, a continuous circle

Reaching the top only to slide back down again.

I miss everything about you.

Even when you’re right next to me, I still feel your distance.

I think this is how it will always be: never enough.

The loss of a dear friend,

Even one all covered in fur,

Can leave a dent in your wall.

But it's a dent you can paint a picture in,

You choose the colours, the size, the fonts.

It's an image that lives forever in the recesses of your mind.

As if the friend still remained there,

Right by your side.

Loyal,

Loving,

Listening,

And kind.

“If I placed the target in a faraway galaxy, do you think you could hit it?”



“That’s impossible mommy, I couldn’t hit that. I would have to practice a million years.”

“Well this project I’m working on, it’s a bit similar to that. We’re trying to aim very precisely, and the math for that is very complicated. Our spaceship has to be aimed perfectly, the man I’m working with, Dr. Keno, well, he thinks we can do it with the help of many teeny tiny robots with little boosters, so tiny you can’t even see them. They could push the ship using micro movements until they have the aim just right.”

“That’s crazy.”

She always remembered her little Sofi’s awestruck gaze suddenly turn into a face of worry and sadness.


“Mommy, you’re not leaving on that spaceship are you?”



“Of course not baby, you know I would never ever leave you. And anyways, even if we did build that ship, it would take many years to do it. But we would send someone else to explore, of course.”

“Good.” 

Sofi beamed as she grabbed the target and skipped out to the yard with her bow and suction cup arrows in hand.

—————————————————————————————————

It had been weeks since she had received the transmissions from Dr. Keno. Several hundred messages had been picked up by the QED (quantum entangled driven) radio all at once only a few minutes after the ship had departed:

-"Dr. Helsley, do you copy?”


-"Dr. Helsley, come in, are you receiving transmission?”

-"We hope you are alive and well Dr. Helsley, we assume you cannot send transmissions, but hope you are still able to receive ours.”


-"We will continue to update you and hope you are out there.  Oh and happy birthday.”

-"World war has been declared; they’re taking most of our group for weapons research. I will try to transmit as often as I can.”

-"It’s been so long, but in my mind you are still out there, exploring the unknown.”

-"They are evacuating Earth. They are taking our team with them on board one of their lifeboat ships, we are fortunate to be scientists. But I’m not sure where we’ll all go. I won’t be able to transmit anymore. I have to go. My thoughts will be with you.  If you're still out there, I hope you're in a better place.  May you be well Marie, Godspeed.”

She soon realized that decades had passed on Earth in those first few minutes she had been on the spaceship, and all of those messages had been sent many years apart. Now, after weeks of being on the ship, she could only imagine how much time had dilated. She felt truly alone.

Shortly after departing, in the span of a few minutes, she had watched Earth shrink down to a tiny speck right in front of her. Then the same had happened to the entire solar system, then the Milky Way. But she was not farther away exactly, she was more like “bigger away”, if that could even be said, and her known universe was now like a particle to her, tiny and unseen, somewhere within her or around her.

Through her research at LIGO, Dr. Helsely had first detected the abnormal gravitational wave patterns about ten of her years ago. Her research had led to more collaborative research with Dr. Keno, a man known as the greatest mind of the generation, whose greatness had been compared to the likes of Einstein himself, and an expert in a handful of fields including artificial intelligence, femto-technology, quantum mechanics, and M-theory, and together they eventually came to discover the source of the strange patterns: a previously undetected dimension.

Most physicists at the time who followed M-theory had believed that all of the other theorized dimensions were folded up at the string scale within a Calibi-Yau manifold, in other words, too small for humans to interact with.  Dr. Helsley and Dr. Keno’s research showed that their newly discovered dimension, though folded in an unknown way, coexisted with the other four known dimensions. Theoretically, they should be able to travel through this other spatial dimension. The reason why no one ever interacted with it (as far as anyone knew) was that in order to be properly oriented towards the “direction” of this special dimension, one would require angles of azimuth and elevation so precise that any deviation even ten hundred billion times smaller than the size of an atom would be enough to prevent any interaction with the dimension. Essentially, it would be easier to hit a target in another galaxy with a bow and arrow.

It was after this discovery that Dr. Keno had begun building his ship.

———————————————————————————————————

Dr. Helsley had been asleep.  She didn't remember opening the door or stepping out, but somehow she was outside of the ship, the ship stationary behind her.  Total darkness was around her.  And right in front of her was a little girl.

“Sofi? Who-

how can it-

are you real?”

The little girl gazed at Dr. Helsley, her smile was calm yet it seemed to project a sense of knowing much greater than any little girl could have.

“Yes, and no. I am everything, so I am also Sofi, and I am also you. I am also nothing. You are interpreting me and, therefore you, as Sofi, because in your life and your experiences, Sofi was the purest interpretation of the universe, of you.”

“I-how-I went away, as far as I could possibly manage, out here God knows where, running away from my grief, from losing you, only to find myself looking at your face again. I’m not sure I understand. I’m not sure what is real, what isn’t anymore.”

Sofi giggled and it seemed to echo from everywhere at once.

“Well, funny you say this, for the answer is both. You traveled far and eventually reached this point, where everything is and isn’t real at the same time. The singularity. Where all that was, is, and all that will be, always was. Both the largest and smallest point, where size, time, information, and everything else folds over and converges. You already know this, for there is no here or now, here, and yet it is peculiar that in your material form still, in order to process things, your mind creates the illusion of chronology in the form of asking me questions and me giving you answers, when you are in reality having this conversation with yourself.”

Dr. Helsley was too numb to be confused about what she was hearing or to ask Sofi why and how she was speaking the way she was. She was numb from the many other unbelievable things she had seen. The blue-green creatures about her own size that somehow fluctuated in and out of existence the way only quantum particles should be able to. The “school” of planets, dozens of gargantuan, Saturn-sized orbs wandering together and changing direction in unison the way she’d seen fish do. The room of the purest white she had ever seen containing only a chair and a desk that was covered by hundreds of what looked liked leather-bound journals.

But mostly, she was numb from seeing her little girl’s face again.

And yet, somehow, she felt like she was suddenly beginning to understand everything that Sofi was saying.

“You’re saying I am at the singularity of the universe? Of everything? Can I stay here? What about- what if I keep going the way I’ve been going?”

Too many thoughts and questions were racing through her mind.

Sofi answered, but this time, the words seemed to emanate from within Dr. Helsley’s own mind.


“Past this point is where the dimension you have been traveling along folds back on itself. Size, time, entropy, and information will loop. You will emerge at the other end, as a tiny elementary particle, with no control of your course. After an eternity you will form into an atom that becomes part of a molecule that will, after many more eternities, become a cell that will eventually form into the egg inside of a womb, the womb which will be your mother’s. You will be born and be unaware of where you’ve been and where you come from. You will live your life the way you have lived it before. You will then, yourself, give birth and watch your own baby grow, and again you will watch her die. From that point onward, due to the chaotic nature of the quantum effects of strong emotion, your path is more uncertain. You may make the same choices or you may make different ones. You may end up here again. But, alternatively, you can prevent all of this by choosing not to go further, by choosing to stay and know everything, be everything, be nothing.  Either way, whatever you choose will happen and has already happened.”


—————————————————————————————-

At some point in, at the beginning of existence, the universe had been faced with the same decision and had also chosen to forget everything, only to re-explore and gradually rediscover itself. That was what consciousness was.  That was what a human was.

And this is what Dr. Helsley would do. She would rather rediscover herself and relive her pure love for Sofi, even if it meant seeing her die again. If given the choice each time, she would choose to do it more times than Sisyphus ever pushed a boulder.

“Sofi-or... universe, this leather-bound book is my journal. I've kept it since the day Sofi-you, passed. I leave it here- or not here- with you, maybe you can keep it someplace safe for me, in case I return.”


It was a silly thing to do, Dr. Helsley realized afterward, right before she crossed the threshold. After all, if she did return, she would know everything once more.

"I love you, baby, I'll see you again soon."

(voice recording: https://goo.gl/5BxUKO)

**duplicate post, since some folks couldn't see it in the Spoken Word portal**

a sonnet corona in iambic pentameter

My child, look around. This is your time.

Your journey to adulthood has begun

but not alone - I’ll help you walk that line.

In my poor darkened world, you are the sun.

Slow down a bit and look for warning signs.

Sometimes in life you’ll need to walk not run,

but never stop. Keep moving all the time

and never hesitate to have some fun.

I’ve tried, as you have grown, to teach you things

and always be a member of your team;

Believe in flight, then boldly spread your wings.

Your childhood’s gone by faster than it seems,

but when they’re cut, love, know I’ll keep the strings.

Have faith, sweet girl, and go after your dreams.

***

Have faith, sweet girl, and go after your dreams.

Sometimes the best defense is to attack,

and oft times you’ll be paddling hard upstream.

When that’s the case, let nothing hold you back.

That love’s a mystery is well known fact.

Remember human hearts are not machines,

And broken hearts are actually still intact

So never let anyone steal your gleam.

Try not to let regret invade your soul -

A bigger waste of time you’ll never know.

If life throws you a curve, just tuck and roll.

You’ll have my love no matter where you go,

So don’t be scared to chase what’s in your soul,

If your muse calls to you, you must follow.

***

If your muse calls to you, you must follow.

There is no greater joy than letting art,

In one form or another through you flow;

It opens hidden places in your heart.

Your money is a tool, and not the prize,

So never sell your soul for wealth my love.

Remember words can cut someone to size

And send a daily prayer to God above.

Your character, in honesty shines through.

Please never be afraid to speak your mind

But know that sometimes silence is the truth.

One day, quite soon, you’ll look around and find

That time has flown right by you in your youth

My child, look around. This is your time.

(I love you Jazzmyn, Dad)

(c) 2017 - dustygrein

(continued from Part 1 here: https://theprose.com/post/160595/when-angels-cry-part-1)

...

I never thought it would happen this way. Somehow, I have to make my way through the endless stream of minutes left to me, alone and missing her. Lord knows we faced mortality together a time or two. Her faith and spirit always carried us along. Even Tonya learned quite early that to love is to hurt when it's over.

#

The dirt in the back field was rocky, and it was hard to get a shovel into. Tonya had refused our help though. Ree and I stood and watched together as our daughter, her face lined with tears and determination, dug a grave for Max.

He had been her dog since the day she was born, and at twelve, she had made the decision herself, that his time was done. It had been hard on her. He was old, mostly blind, and could no longer run and play.

That morning, she had come to me with tears in her eyes. "Daddy... it's time to call the vet. Max peed all over in his bed, and he can't stand up to get out of it."

"Okay sweetheart. I'll call him."

"No, I'll do it. I want you and Momma to be there with me though, okay?"

"Of course. We’ll always be here for you."

She had been brave on the phone. Even later, when Dr. Bloom came out and gave Max the injection that let him fade off to sleep for the last time, she had been strong. The tears coursed down her cheeks, but she held his old paw until he breathed his last. She even stood and thanked the doctor.

I am so proud of you, baby girl. Your heart is bigger than your whole body.

She had lovingly washed the urine from his back legs, and wrapped him in one of her old blankets. I’d offered to help, but Tonya said no. Marie had grabbed my hand and when I looked at her with a question in my eyes, she shook her head. She had known this was something Tonya needed to do on her own.

The dog was almost as big as she was, but she lifted him and carried him outside. She placed him on her wagon, and when he didn't quite fit, she looked at her mother. The pain on her face was almost more than I could bear. Ree helped her tuck his feet into the wagon and fold his tail up under his belly, so Tonya could wheel him to the field.

She accepted my help lowering Max into the grave, but she again refused any assistance when it came time to fill it in. She found a big rock for a grave marker, and I was pretty sure she only let me carry it, because it was too heavy for her to lift.

After the marker was in place, she took her mother's hand. "Can we say a prayer for him?"

Marie and I both had joined her in grief, though ours was compounded by an inability to take her pain away.

Oh Tonya. I'm so sorry that you have to learn this lesson, but it was inevitable. Everything we love carries with it the seeds of pain when it passes on.

She bowed her head and led us in the Lord's Prayer. I’d never heard a more beautiful or heartfelt prayer in my life, nor one that touched me as deeply as my little girl's prayer for her lost best friend.

(4)

I listen to the thunder roll through the black sky and stare out the window at the sleeping city below. The rain continues to fall mercilessly; it was a sound that used to make me sleepy and comfortable. I don't think I’ll ever feel that way again. I'm not sure I will ever feel anything quite as much as I did before.

The tears threatening once again, I stand up, step into my slippers, and walk to the kitchen. Maybe a late-night snack will help me sleep. The clock in the living room does it's soft reminder that it is 3:30 in the morning, and I find myself chuckling.

You always said I had an internal stomach-clock, set for 3:15. It's still working, Ree. I won't get any crumbs in our bed, my love.

Our bed... our room... our life. I don't want to think any more. I grab some leftovers from the fridge; there must be twelve kinds of casserole in there. I think everyone brought me food. I wonder why we do that. Maybe it's because so many folks find comfort in eating.

Three or four bites in, I realize I'm not hungry. I know that if I continue eating, it will just make me nauseous. I scrape the rest of whatever it is in my bowl down the disposal and rinse my plate. I make my slow way back through the darkened house to the bedroom that I now must sleep in alone.

I sit back on the bed; turning, I see my reflection in the mirror. Her mirror. I hardly recognize the old man I see looking back at me. Somewhere in that lined face, lives the ghost of the man I used to be. I've gotten old.

Damn, Ree... how did you still love me when I look like this? You still looked as fresh and beautiful as you did the day we met. Okay, maybe not as fresh, but every bit as beautiful.

I reach over and pick up the last picture we took together. It was at Christmas, two years ago. It saddens me now, to realize we will never get a chance to take another one. That was one of her passions for so many years; she loved pretending she was a model, even when we only had a little disposable camera.

#

"Say Cheese..."

"Rally, James dah-ling, no one says cheese any more. It's so passé."

Her fake British accent sounded more like a cross between French and Irish, but she always made it cute anyway. She started posing for me, so I started directing her as well. "Okay, now show me your best pouty-face."

She did, and I took three pics to be sure one of them turned out okay. By the time she had done three more poses—innocent, flirtatious, and then best of all, sexy—the camera was done.

She wasn't ready to be done however, and forcefully suggested we get another disposable camera. I knew she was also going to insist on the one-hour photo to get them developed that evening, but when the mood was upon her, there was no denying her whims.

We bought three more of the little 35mm cameras with built-in flash and went to the park. We saw a lady with a pair of poodles out for a walk, and Ree couldn't resist.

The poor woman. Ree not only convinced her to let us use her dogs for our "photo shoot," but to come with us until we found the perfect spot for pictures with them.

I didn't think it was possible, but I love you even more today than I did yesterday, Marie Jacobs.

I was still getting used to the sound of that. We had been married for three months at that point, and every day was an adventure. I was sometimes afraid of how much I loved her, but mostly I just enjoyed it and our new life together.

"Okay, now I want you to climb that tree, and give me your best ‘come hither’ look, while lying on the bottom branch." She was already half-way up the tree before I finished saying it. Sometimes we just clicked on the same wave-length. That was one of the million reasons I knew she was my soul mate.

We didn't know it at the time, but that shot of her lying on the branch would become somewhat famous. Life magazine bought it, and my Ree was a star for a month.

(5)

I sit up and blink at the sunlight shining in my eyes.

"Ree! Can you close that curtain?"

My voice is swallowed by the room. I realize that I am in my recliner, and on the heels of realization comes memory; there is no one here to answer me now.

The sun is shining through the sliding glass door that opens on the small balcony. I'm not sure what time it is. I'm not sure of much right now, except that the rain stopped sometime after I dozed off, and that my old chair may be great for watching football games, but it wasn’t meant for old men to sleep in.

My back is going to be screaming at me all day long. I wonder if we have any aspirin... We... I think I hate that word now.

I stumble to the bathroom and can't help but notice - all of her things are still scattered around the sink and on the medicine cabinet in front of the mirror. Her denture case is still there, though it is as empty as her side of the bed will be from now on.

I finish using the toilet and hear myself laugh; no one will mind if I leave the seat up now. The sound of my laughter rips something loose inside me, and the grief floods into me. I grope my way back to my room and fall to the floor next to the bed, as the tide of pain and sorrow rises like a tsunami, washing away all coherent thought.

Oh Ree! I need you like never before, and you’re gone.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, the sobs clawing their way out of my chest, hot salty tears pouring from my eyes, and the dull ache of loneliness, pain, and fear thumping in time to the beating of my heart.

I do know when I finally felt able to breathe normally again, my eyes were tired and sore, my nose was plugged completely, and my diaphragm felt as if I had been working out for hours.

It's strange how a deep bout of emotional release can leave you so tired, especially right after waking. My tears helped take the sharp edges off my pain; it would always be there, but I could now stand again.

I made my way back to the front room and gaze at the black and white photo on the wall - the one of the impossibly young couple who had just gotten married.

Is this my new normal?

The word "forever" echoes in my head. Suddenly I hear the preacher's words on that day, so long ago. The words we both repeated.

'Til death do us part.

I had no idea, literally no concept, of what those words actually meant. It's just now sinking in; this parting is permanent, at least this side of Heaven.

#

The sun shone brightly on the grass, and the birds sang sweetly in the trees overhead. We had over 80 people with us that day, and the folding chairs in the back yard were full. I stood there on the small platform, nervously talking to my cousin Fred. He had offered to be my best man, since my lifelong friend Aaron had come down with the flu the day before.

The flu my ass! He’s just hungover and still mad because I no longer want to spend my Friday nights hanging out with him and the boys at Dell's Bar.

I heard the music start. That single tune that can only mean one thing. Here comes the bride. I turned and there she was, her father walking next to her with tears streaming down his face.

She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, and I forgot how to breathe as I watched her approach. My balance threatened to send me tumbling to the ground.

As her father placed her hand in mine, everything made sense. All of my confusion and doubt vanished, and the world became crystal clear and was in sharper focus than it ever had been before.

This was where God meant for me to be. This woman—this magnificent, gorgeous, beautifully happy woman—was the one He meant for me to be with. She was my one and only. My soul mate.

I held her hand as she stepped up on the platform, my eyes glued to her face. Slowly we both turned and faced the preacher who was standing before us, beaming.

Nothing has ever felt this right. These vows will be etched in my heart and soul forever, Marie.

#

My reverie is broken by the door opening. As stupid as it sounds, there is a split second of hope that I’ve been dreaming; this whole thing is nothing but a nightmare and she’s only been at the store.

I get to lose you all over again, Ree. I guess that's also part of my new normal.

I turn as the truth asserts itself to find Tonya standing there. My baby girl. She holds out her arms. I match the gesture, and she runs to me, embracing me in a grip that feels like she’s drowning. Maybe she is; I feel that way as well.

"Oh, Daddy. It hurts so much."

"I know it does, sweetheart." I release her, holding her at arm's length. "We’ll get through it together - the way Mama would have wanted us to, okay?"

She nods as tears course down her cheeks.

She's as tough as you always were, Ree. I'll do my best to be just as tough.

A movement catches our eyes, and we both turn and face the glass doors.

The balcony overlooks the city, and everything is still wet. The rain must have stopped more recently than I thought. On the railing was a giant yellow butterfly, slowly fanning its wings.

I can almost feel the smile that breaks across Tonya's face. Yellow was always her mother's favorite color, and butterflies her favorite photographic subject. Sometimes the signs are obvious. She was still with us.

Thank you Ree. I will love you, and miss you, forever. Save me a place on a cloud next to you, and I’ll see you when my turn rolls around.

(c) 2016 - dustygrein

(1)

I turn my collar up against the pouring rain. I don't feel the water running inside my coat, but I don't seem to feel much of anything. Maybe I just don't want to.

I pull my eyes away from the darkness hiding beneath the clean white lines of the casket, and stare into a future beyond the sea of sad faces. They will all go home, and I will be alone, more alone than I have ever been. I turn my heart away from the pain I see reflected in their eyes.

I can't let that pain get too close. It looks hungry, and I don't think I can survive if it climbs inside. It will eat my soul.

This place seems nice. I think she'll enjoy this hillside, and its beautiful sweep of lawn. I guess I will get used to the view. Not sure what else my life will consist of from now on, but I will keep this place—her place—cared for.

Oh, Ree... the green lawns remind me of that day I finally asked you. Remember?

#

The late summer sun was shining in the cloudless sky. I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes and watched her walk toward me. I felt a lump in my throat, and realized I couldn't swallow. The sunshine wasn't enough to take the slight September chill out of the air, but her smile was all I needed to warm me from the inside out.

Marie Holter. Sweet Marie. Her youngest kid sister calls her Ree-Ree, and I have a feeling Ree will stick. I still can't believe you are here with me. I'm not sure if I found you, or you found me, but I thank God that we found each other.

My nerves threatened to get the better of me. I turned and sat down in the grass. Reaching over, I grabbed a soda from the cooler and opened it as her shadow fell across me.

"I grabbed a big beach towel, instead of a blanket." She shook the largest towel I had ever seen out, and spread it on the grass. "I think lunch will fit on it though."

"Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving Dinner would fit on it." Her smile was dazzling.

I started to get up, but she pushed me back onto my butt, climbed across, and straddled my lap. Her arms interlocked behind my neck as she wrapped her legs and those impossibly tight blue jeans around my waist. The smell of her shampoo was driving me insane, and the closeness of her mouth to mine made me dizzy.

"Speaking of Thanksgiving, you better not even think about making any other plans this year. Last night at dinner, Julie asked me if you were coming to the Holter Holiday Hijinks. My mom grinned, and Daddy tried his best to look as if he couldn't care less, but it got really quiet, you know? I mean, even Becca closed her yapper and stared at me."

I reached up and pushed a runaway strand of hair behind her ear. "What did you say?"

"I said that not only would you be there, but I was thinking about having you carve the turkey. You should’ve seen it. Daddy's fork actually stopped halfway to his mouth and my mom spit her wine across her plate. It was the funniest thing ever!"

"Great. Now your dad is going to glare at me even harder the next time I see him."

"Don't be silly. Daddy’s a pushover." She took my face in her hands. "Now, do you wanna keep talking about my family, or can I distract you?"

She leaned in to kiss me, and then threw herself sideways, pulling me on top of her, and rolling us both onto the towel.

Nervously, I slid my hand into my coat pocket. The little box was still there.

Whew. That was almost a disaster, my Ree-Ree.

The time had come, and suddenly the great speech and romantic flourishes I had been practicing were gone. My tongue felt too big for my mouth and I wasn't sure if I could even form words correctly any more.

"Hey, I need to ask you a question."

She must have heard something serious in my voice, because she got the cutest worried look as I sat up. It wasn't until I got on one knee and reached in my pocket that her eyes softened, and then grew large.

"I know that you still have your senior year to finish, and that I don't have much money, or a good job yet, or stuff that makes me worth what you deserve, and I know that Jacobs is kind of a boring last name, and that your family may not even like me, but... well... I..."

She smiled that sweet, sweet smile, and reached out with her finger, placing it against my lips.

"Shh. I’ve been waiting since you started carrying that ring around for you to ask me. Just relax, then calmly and quietly, ask me whatever it is you were going to ask."

I was in shock. She knew about the ring!

She sat back down, folded her legs under her to the side, batted her eyes at me demurely, and folded her hands together.

"Okay" My voice sounded like a rusty tin can being dragged behind a car. I couldn't remember what I was saying a few seconds earlier. I knew I’d planned this whole thing out hundreds of times in my head, but I had nothing. "Uh ... Marry me?"

I'm such an idiot. That was the stupidest proposal ever!

Her expression as she sprang into my arms was almost as welcome as the words she whispered in my ear. "Yes, and I think Jacobs is a lovely last name."

(2)

Most of the people who are here have umbrellas. Black umbrellas. I suppose that's normal for funerals, but we only own a red one. We share it. Well, we used to share it; I guess it's just mine now.

I left it at home.

I can see my daughter, but she won't meet my eyes. I know she hurts. She and her mother were close in a way that she and I never have been. I love Tonya with every fiber of my being, but she and Ree shared what felt like a psychic connection, at least to outsiders like me. When she scraped her knee as a child, I would always kiss it better, but when she got her heart broken or was filled with pride at an accomplishment, her mother was the one she ran to.

I can't kiss this one away, Tonya. I wish I could.

The minister says something, but I can't quite hear his voice. Just a droning sound under the patter of raindrops on stretched black fabric. I notice the tarp that covers the dirt from the hole. I don't want to think about that hole.

What was it you used to say, Ree? "Never dig a hole you aren't prepared to fill?" Something like that.

As I watch Tonya lay her single red rose on top of the white box that now holds the remains of my heart, I can't help but think about the day she told me that the two of us would become three.

#

We walked along the side of the road, as snowflakes fell around us. The world was soft, and the trees wore their new white mantles like fine jewelry. I could tell there was something on Marie's mind. She was unusually withdrawn; it wasn’t like her to be this quiet.

"Hey, Ree, want to have a snowball fight? I bet we could find some great hiding places in the woods."

"No. James, I need to tell you something."

My heart leapt into my throat. James. Not Jimmy, or Jimbo, or even Jim - but James. This was serious. I stopped and reached for her hand, but she grabbed mine first. Squeezing it tightly, she pulled me along with her.

At least you grabbed my hand. I know we will get through this, whatever it is.

"Please, keep walking with me."

My mind began to run through scenarios, each more devastating than the last. Was it the house? A shutoff notice for the power? The dog... was Max okay? He was a 65 pound mix breed who ate twice his weight in kibble each month, but I knew she loved the big lug even more than I did.

"Marie, what's wrong?"

"I know that you’ve been saving money for a trip to Vegas." She wouldn't look at me, and I began to worry even more. "But I don't think we can afford it."

Is THAT all this is? Oh you silly woman!

Marie had a good job waiting tables at a family restaurant here in town, and even though my teacher's salary wasn't a lot, it was more than enough for us to take a trip to Sin City during Spring Break next year.

"Sure we will, babe. I have enough put away for us to..."

"Not with another mouth to feed, especially after they make me take a few months off."

We continued to walk along as my mind processed what she said. The realization she was telling me she was pregnant broke through my thoughts like sunshine on a gray day. Everything gained color and clarity. The world became a different place, and for a moment, I was unable to speak.

"James." She was staring down at her feet as we wandered along the snowy road. "Say something, please. You’re scaring me."

I stopped her and pulled her close. I used my teeth to remove the glove from my right hand and reaching forward, I lightly took her chin between my thumb and fingers. I gently eased her face up to mine, and found her beautiful eyes brimming with tears.

"Hey." I wiped my thumb under her eye, and rolled the tears away before they could run down her cheek. "Do you love me?"

"Of course I do!" I could hear consternation and a little fear in her voice.

"And do you trust that I love you?"

She nodded slowly.

"Then stop crying, and let's celebrate." I reached down and lifted her up. Her legs found the familiar spot around my waist, and she linked her hands behind my neck. Spinning us around and around, I yelled, "We're having a baby!"

Her tears became that gorgeous smile I love with all my heart, and she leaned her head

back as we spun and shouted along with me. "A BABY!"

Max, it looks like you’re going to have to share us, bucko.

My heart felt like it would overflow. The snow no longer even felt cold.

(3)

I stand here and listen to the sound of nothing at all. Everyone else is gone. I'm sure that Tonya is serving cake and coffee at the grange hall by now, but I can't make myself leave just yet. Truth is, I’m terrified. Not of death, but of life.

I never realized how hard it would be to even think about living without you, Ree.

The rain has turned cold, and the sun is much lower in the sky than it was when the service began. I can see the workers; they’re waiting for me to leave. I know they have a job to do. They have to bury my wife.

Those words sound alien in my head; I remember us laughing together, just the other day.

It occurs to me that it wasn’t really days ago. The truth is, it’s been over a month since we had laughed, or even spoken to one another. Over a month since that horrible day she was admitted to the hospital.

At least I know you faced the end with faith, my love. I suppose that's how I will manage to make my way through what's left of my life...

(c) 2016 - dustygrein

There's a fine line between

challenging someone intellectually,

and making them feel like

they are chained to a wall.

I was under the mistaken assumption

that because you got your new bifocals,

you could better see that line,

which was right under your nose

the entire time. But to you,

it spelled out my idiocy, my ineptness,

my linguistical and logistical inferiority,

though the words were blurry;

that's what you said you saw.

And since I'm not on your level,

I could never point out to you,

that you too, simply made a mistake

and you're no better than the rest of us.

“Is life a mystery,

which so many want to sort?”

I once asked this question

and the reply was a retort:

“Woman, is it your mind that you have lost?

Time is of essence

Don’t waste on such a quest

Don’t squander what cannot be retrieved

Go on, don’t think of rest

There is no mystery

and, there is no puzzle

Life is a river

and each day a new bank

a new discovery

Sometimes, it’s pristine sand

Sometimes, dirt and water you can’t tell apart

But what you see each day

is not the same as last

Flow – the purpose of a river

Flow – the purpose of life

The very effort to stop the flow

can bring a flood

and spell doom

So, don’t stop to solve the mystery

Instead, just flow

And discover what life has to show.”

~ ©nehasri/Neha Srivastava

P.S. ~ This poem was published in 2016 in The Ibis Head Review. Usually I would write a new piece for all Prose challenges but I believe this is one of the biggest lessons I've learned in life. Most often we get caught in the web of life or stuck in situations which require us to simply go with the flow.  Time is not just a great healer, it is also a great puzzle-solver. Sometimes what time shows us is way beyond our imagination.

#ProseChallenge #CotW66 #itslit #getlit