I feel like my body is playing roulette with my emotions, it all changes so quickly, I can be happy for a second, then anxious, then sad, then angry and the happy again.

I wonder what is the prize in this game, is it my destruction? Or at the end my body doesn't know what happiness is?

No pill can change this, because I have pills, and I still feel the same, what can I do? If science doesn't even work?

As I seat here, in the floor of my bedroom, shaking from all these parasite thoughts that told me to jump off my balcony, the scary part is that I was actually considering obeying my brain for once. I looked my gaze empty to the pills on my night stand, they were supposed to help, but since I betrayed my morals and started taking them I have only felt worse. The emptiness inside swallows everything and I just have to accept it. My attacks get worse, I shake all day, and there is no escape.

Knowing that everything I’m feeling or not feeling comes from my genes just makes it worse, I didn’t have a choice in this, I’ve never had and I know I never will.

Tick tock says the clock

a second less till she is here

Got my checklist to see if everything is ready

so she won't get mad again

Tick tock another second

Organizing my room

it has to be perfect

the opposite of me

Tick tock another second

Shut down the depressing music

you know she will ask questions

that I do not dare to answer

Tick tock another second

Pick up your mask

and hide yourself deep down

you can't show her who you really are

Tick tock another second

Get out of your room and close the door

she can't see your demons

to her you are okay

Tick tock another second

I can hear her keys

she must be close

I die a little inside

Tick tock another second

the door slowly opens

I fake a smile

as a face I recognize well appears

Tick tock another second

Hi mom

I gripped the porcelain sink one last time I whispered, and looked into the mirror, into myself, and suddenly here I am, in front of my deepest fear, I could see the sparks trying to escape the fake darkness that I put there, to protect what's inside, but I sensed another darkness, the real one, coming from inside, so I went to inspect, just as I entered the brightly yellow turned to darkness as someone left, why did she leave? what did I do? but as I though this more darkness came, so I focused on moving forward , but I could see a shadow damaging and putting more darkness, why don't you just leave? I asked but of course I didn't get an answer, shadows don't talk, it was getting cold in this part so I moved on, and I found her, the original cause of the darkness, why do you do this to me? I asked, and surprisingly I actually got an answer, it's because I love you she said, I know that everything happening here is my fault, I showed this people that the darkness sorrounding was fake, I trusted them, I showed them my soul, and at the end my best friend left, my almost boyfriend left but I can't stop thinking about him, and my own mother is killing me slowly, everything is my fault, maybe if the darkness is real it wouldn't be so bad, at least I will definitely be safe.

chin up please, where did your neck go, it has to be long, get your shoulders down, tuck your stomach, your heels should be together and forward, don’t bend your knees, there you go, that is what you call a first position. I remember those days, when all I wanted to do was put on a tutu, when the only thing that was on my mind was when will I be on pointe, but now every time I someone mentions ballet I wince in pain, it’s so sad to remember I had to give up ballet so I could maintain my grades, I couldn’t even be on pointe. I remember when I realized that I could never be a ballet dancer it was as if someone took a part of my soul, probably because ballet was a part of my soul, of my identity, of my being, but I had to say goodbye and realize that I could never be on pointe, I only had flat ballet shoes.

@brandi333

"break my heart, break it a thousand times, it was only yours to break anyway" Maxon Schreave.

This quote is from a book called The One by Kiera Cass, it's the third book in a series called The Selection, I think it's my favorite quote ever, I love it so much, because it shows how sacrificing love can be, you don't truly love someone if you don't accept the challenges that come with them. In that scene Maxon though he was going to die, and before that he wasn't going to marry the girl he loved because he didn't think she loved him, but he got shot and he had to said that to her, at the end it doesn't matter when you tell that special person that you love them, or maybe that you like them, the important thing is that you tell them, because you will know the truth. So what are you waiting for, if you have a crush, and you like them, just tell them, at the end, what do you have to lose.

The moon reflected on the water, the sand got between my toes, the wind felt cold against my skin, everything was beautiful; that’s how my nightmare started, I already wanted to wake up, before the battle started, but you know what they say, it’s hard to wake up from a nightmare, and that is why my efforts were pointless, it seems like I’ll have to face the darkness after all.

Clouds started to hide the moon, as if protecting her from what was coming next, I shuddered as the darkness crept closer, I could feel the hatred towards me, I’m too tired to find the reason, if there was any. And then the battle started, the darkness got into my mind, and started to change me, I became depressed, stressed and with anxiety, but I fighted and started to feel happiness and peace, the wind around me started to lift my curls and my flowy dress, making them dance around me, still I kept fighting and fighting and then I won, the wind stop, I was sweating, panting and heavy breathing, I looked around and I could see more darkness coming.

Wake up, please wake up I whispered, as silent tears came out my eyes, but I knew I couldn’t do that, because it’s hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren’t even asleep.

The moon reflected on the water, the sand got between my toes, the wind felt cold against my skin, everything was beautiful; that's how my nightmare started, I already wanted to wake up, before the battle started, but you know what they say, it's hard to wake up from a nightmare, and that is why my efforts were pointless, it seems like I'll have to face the darkness after all.

Clouds started to hide the moon, as if protecting her from what was coming next, I shuddered as the darkness crept closer, I could feel the hatred towards me, I'm too tired to find the reason, if there was any. And then the battle started, the darkness got into my mind, and started to change me, I became depressed, stressed and with anxiety, but I fighted and started to feel happiness and peace, the wind around me started to lift my curls and my flowy dress, making them dance around me, still I kept fighting and fighting and then I won, the wind stop, I was sweating, panting and heavy breathing, I looked around and I could see more darkness coming.

Wake up, please wake up I whispered, as silent tears came out my eyes, but I knew I couldn't do that, because it's hard to wake up from a nightmare if you aren't even asleep.