"Don't take this the wrong way but I am naked

Exposing myself to the world and showing everyone what it's like to be me

I'm not tryna be Hannah Baker, I don't need to explain my 13 reasons why they're the reason why I died

I mean I've been struggling with crippling depression

I've tried to show different individuals but they were neglecting my cry for help

I often lock myself in a room with tears falling down my face and slob coming out my mouth

I often tried shouting but ain't no words coming out

And when I find the courage to explain it to important people in my life but they often replied with "What the fuck you talking about?"

So now I walk around with my heart closed and a fake smile

Pushing away any person that tries to come around

I say fuck Mother Earth and every person living on it

I have no control over my life

It's like I went and pawned it to the devil

For a minute I had some very close friends and everything seemed like it would be fine

But people change and I'm not surprised

Guess the devils working overtime

Guess the devils using all his power to make sure I'm alone

No one to reach out to or talk to on the phone

My life's on a steep slope and I'm falling at a rapid rate

Guess you see where this is going

Now I'm choosing my own fate

It's the only thing in life I have control over

I could try to get over but I know the devils lurking over my shoulder

So if you receive this letter before the end of the night

You're probably too late reading it because I'm killing my self tonight"

Walking down the street I see another dead body

Blood leaking

His fam found him hidden in an alley

I think to myself just another life lost so society

A victim of black on black crime or police brutality

When I go to check it out I'm surprised that the way he went out was to take his own life

Cuts to both sides of his arms, yeah that's how this man died

Crazy so many years in his life and no one knew he was committing suicide

I wish I could grab his soul as tell him that's not the way to go out

But at the same time I understand what he was about

Cause for a while I was depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts

I often pondered if it was worth it and often thought bout the cost

I can understand that his only option was no option

It hurts being stuck in a life you had no intention of adopting

He was probably there all by himself

Looking for someone else to help

Revealing to people everyday but he was often ignored so he had to end it all

He probably could've been a lawyer or starred in basketball

But from my perspective ain't no telling what made this man fall

Ain't no telling what's going on behind closed doors

And just like that couple, people only seem to care when it's all said and done

I wish I had met him sooner this could've all been avoided

Take the devil off his shoulder and remind him that he has choices

Depression seems to latch on to people that hurt the most

It constantly haunts you like a demon or a ghost

And I can tell that this man had his mask on, being 2 faced showing a fake smile

Outside he showed happiness but on the inside he was down

And I bet it hurt even worst when he begged people for help

But they all have masks too just like everyone else

He had no control over his life like he pawned it to the devil

Helped wasn't received so he lived his life in peril

But shit at least he tried to reveal it all

It's other people that needs to take their masks off

Welcome to Ameri-K-K-KA

Land of the damned and home of the enslaved

A place where land is worth more than a fair trade

And someone's final destination is either in jail or in a grave

We live in a place so socially divided that we love to judge someone on their culture, but could never judge ourselves

We are also divided by poor and wealth where the rich people can live in mansions but the less fortunate has to fend for themselves

We live solely off our government, but let me not get into that

If I talk too much they'll surely have it out for my ass

We live in a land that used to be segregated by color but now even the white folks can call niggers brothers

Welcome to Ameri-K-K-Ka, home of the KKK

Not the people you used to hear on the news everyday

No, the people that you walk pass crossing the street

Yes, I mean every single individual that you meet

Take African Americans for instance

We are so hell bent on destruction that we're killing our own race

Let's forget the government placing guns and weapons in our towns, they did that so we can die off at our own pace

We live in the land of opportunity but opportunity never arrives for refugees

They can't cross into our border and if they can you'd find them on the streets homeless, cold - looking for something to eat

They're too broke to even apply for government cheese

Yes we live in America where you see a mixture of races, but mostly whites

You see black people but the vast majority of them like to get into fights

It seems like everyone can come together and fight for social injustice

But do nothing when a leader causes warfare with just a push of a button

Yes, welcome to America, the greatest country in the world

Where we don't hold back any boy or girl

We just let them act a fool and make them famous cause while doing it "they look cool"

We live on a land where Native Americans live on refugee camps and homeless veterans gets no type of respect

Depressed people are often neglected

And bills to enhance our lives are often rejected

We're trying to be a light of hope but that's the opposite of what we're manifesting

Religion often divides us along with money and power

Christians judge others and send them all downwards

Hey.. I bet people in Flint still can't take a shower

I bet Native Americans been stopping that pipeline for hours

But hey don't pay attention to that, watch this

A cute little doggie can do a backflip

Better yet, stray bullets killed 3 kids

Not only that but there's a new virus that's making everyone sick

But on to brighter things there's a giraffe that's pregnant

Oh she finally had her baby? Better late that never

So let's forget about bs like that and find out what the government has done behind our backs

Hello, this is America where voices are left unspoken

And every rise to power is often left broken

But don't be afraid we're the greatest country ever

And just like a church the doors to our country are open

Welcome to America

When I die - and I shall die

before you - I wish so much

you won't cry. Receive me with

an innocent hug - so innocent

that angels will become jealous.

And, having me in your arms

like never before, then

close my eyes with a kiss.

​

I, dead,

will sail the seven seas,

and the trail of my boat

you'll follow in your thoughts. Think

of me, my dreams, and my sorrows...

And, if you see me approaching the pier of hell,

you'll see me seated on the waves,

smiling to you.

You, Lucifer,

Welcome me with that hug...

Not a hug of who's hollow

or might become. A hug made of love,

to someone you've waited for waves.

When we kiss - and I know we will

live in each other, in the same body

with no lies or truths, through life

and death and life in death.

II

I promise you no tomorrow,

but today will last forever. And your gate

will be my gate, and your heart

my heart. Move

dust from the gates to

write my name in your heart, and make

a drawing of the lost

and Lucifer - an oyster

and a pearl. And sometimes

we pretend we remember

and sometimes we remember

sometimes - we lose years to find

all we lost in a moment.

III

Look me in the eyes

and tell me you live

for me - give up your hell,

my Lucifer. And send

them all to heaven - carried

by angels. And alone

we stay - for together

we are what the other never reach - the heaven

in hell. Inhale

my soul and everything.

I am yours. And love

and love, and love. And

you and I, and all the dreams

we never told anyone. Our faces

painted red. You take me to bed

and your naked body on my not less naked body...

... I am still alive for your love.

When they come for you, I will shield your name

I will field their questions, I will feel your pain

No one can judge

They don't, they don't know

They don't know

It's crazy that it's 2017 and we're still called "Niggers"

We are also called savages but we weren't the ones who pulled the trigger and dragged out ancestors on a boat filled with death, rape, and liquor to a country that wouldn't have survived if we haven't gotten there quicker

But you know what.. we always gone be labeled

We ain't worth shit to other people

I mean just a few hundred years ago we were three-fifths less of a man and when we finally became whole, segregation was the plan

And when that didn't work, drugs invaded the land

And when the drugs couldn't kill us, they put guns in people's hands

They'd do anything to keep us quiet or have us looking like a fool

Cause not so long ago, they thought we were bafoons

And not to long before that, they thought we were some tools

But way before that, we were treated like jewels

See our problem is that we don't look back into our African roots and see that we are royalty, there is a god inside of every one you

And since we are all gods we are all due for a blessing

I know life is hard now but that's enough of the stressing

Cause life can take unexpected turns and that dark bridge that you're on will soon be burned

I'm the prettiest girl you'll never know;

My eyes shine bright, my smile's hollow.

I'm the fastest girl, my head keeps spinning;

If hearts are trophies, then baby, I'm winning.

I'm a real smart girl, I can play this game;

I'm playing for keeps, you'll remember my name.

I'm a dangerous girl, I'm giving you warning;

I exist in the moonlight, I'm gone in the morning.

I'm the bad girl your momma cautioned about;

I'm a daughter of Chaos, you'd better watch out.

I learned to fight dirty when I learned to keep score;

I'm not your bitch, baby, I'm not your whore.

I've got words like daggers, I can make a man bleed;

Just like I bled for true love's selfish need.

I'll sing to you sweetly, I will write you a song;

I'll curse your name, baby, don't do me wrong.

I'm a wild eyed girl, I lost myself in the night;

Will you find me at sunrise? By the dawn's early light...

I'm a playful girl, my long hair is flying;

I'm adrift in a sea of the tears I've been crying.

I'm a sensible girl, I know more than you think;

I'm a fun party girl, baby, pour me a drink.

I can make a man hot, boy, I'll make your toes curl;

I'll dance with your demons baby, see how I twirl....

I'm hiding my thoughts beneath blackest eyelashes,

My self worth's been crushed, it's been scattered like ashes.

I'd give up my power if I give you my trust;

A man loses power when he succumbs to lust.

I'm bleeding out, there are wounds that won't heal;

Fuck loving, fuck living, baby, fuck what you feel.

It's been years since I've seen the real you

Your mom and daddy always argued and it's got to you too

I've tried to set you free from the abuse, but you stayed

Honestly I didn't think I would effect you this way

So why... why do you stay?

Why don't you leave?

Why don't you break from the shackles and set yourself free?

It's because you love me

Because you love me

It's been three years since I've seen you actually smile

Your daddy was the same way and look where he is now - 6 feet under

I'm telling you I'm not the one to mess with

If you keep pushing yourself on me you're gonna be the one that regrets it

Honestly, this feeling was supposed to be temporary

You've abused me too much and now you remain stationary

I can't believe that you chose me, I was supposed to be secondary

Just a thought in the back of your head

Out of all the solutions you chose me instead

Why though?

You know I'm no good

I confess there was a time back when I loved you but now I've seen what I've done to you

I'm sorry

I should've never let you notice me at that party

You should've just stayed in the books and never listened to the malarkey

I mean... I feel bad cause you couldn't even find your car key

So you just found more reason to abuse and get off me

You even forgot your own baby in the car seat

So DCFS had to come and take him away from his mommy

I'm so heartless

There's no reason for my existence

And even though I've tried to set you free you go against my better wishes

Please go

You don't wanna make the same mistake that your daddy did

Please go to rehab, I don't wanna see you dead

I don't want you to ever use me again

Get better, get your son back and get away from those people you call friends

Hurry! Please do it before it's to late

If you keep treating me like how you are, I'd hate to see what would come of your fate

Cause see, I like to mess up lives

I like to mess with your system, that's how your daddy died

I like to take form of abuse in a man

I would mess up your whole life if I ever get the chance

So why are you still here?

Just leave me be..

I'm more of a fallback than an asset, don't you see?

I'm more worse than how people explain me on the tv

So please, I'm giving you this chance... to let go.. and be free

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I just want my childhood back. I don't wish to abandon the truth, I only want the illusion to engulf me for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know all your secrets, Santa, and I wish I didn't.

I know you are not real. I know Christmas is largely Pagan, not Christian. Jesus probably wasn't even born on the 25th. I know consumerism threatens to shatter the magic. I've grown out of awe and stupid bliss, into the realm of scarce emotion, blank like a Winter Wonderland.

For Christmas, I just want a sleigh ride through the winter night sky, fiction sitting beside me and steering the flying reindeer. I want the fat snowflakes flitting through the sky to melt into my skin, the cold running through me like glacial water. Let me see the houses whose occupants eagerly await the legend.

Don't let me see into the windows as parents sneak presents underneath the tree. Never ever let me see the children losing sleep for a lie. Just let me be a child again.

Just one more time, take me back. Just one more time.

I watched him,

Staring at me.

I fought away the feelings

That I knew I carried for him.

My eyes moved to his lips,

As I dared to daydream

About kissing him:

Slowly and passionately.

I fought the urge

To hug and hold him.

All I wanted to do

Was keep him warm.

He is my best friend,

I do not wish

To break him,

As he tries to fix

my broken, jagged pieces

Of a heart that never was,

Quite complete, because some fathers,

Disappear before their daughters

Can open their eyes and cry.

Every ounce of my body resists

Agonizingly

I try:

Form the two words

With aching lips

"I'm sorry"

But they stay inside

Bottled and sealed

So that even if I might die

I can't bring them out

lackluster, muster

strength, length

to go, to know

all, and call

for light, the sight

of power, sour

taste, we haste

to find, the kind

is gone, redrawn

the space, to erase

the greed, and seed

belief, and relief

of scorn, too worn

too late

we wait