Today.
Today
Today, I won’t call you,
Just to hear your voicemail.
Today, I won’t look at your photos, just to see your face.
Today, I won’t listen for your name, just to know what you’re doing.
Today, I won’t play that song, the one that reminds me of you.
Today, I won’t watch that movie, the one you took me too.
Today, I won’t wear that shirt, the one that still smells like you.
Today, I won’t dream, about what could have been.
Today, I won’t cry, over what should have been.
Today, I’ll breathe, without a weight on my chest.
Today, I’ll laugh, without tears in my eyes.
Today, I’ll dream, without you in them.
Today, I’ll live, without you again.
Today, I’ll take it, day by day.
pain.
It doesn't hurt anymore, you know- when I loved you. It doesn't hurt to think about you anymore. I don't know how long it took or when it stopped hurting and breaking my heart but maybe I just got to the point where I was breaking and it didn't hurt and then I just kept breaking to where I am not. My wrists are mutalated because I am breaking. Maybe it's to speed up the breaking proccess or maybe it's to know that I'm still alive- maybe the pain is what keeps me alive- to make sure I haven't slipped away yet.
Maybe loving you wasn't a mistake. Maybe loving you taught me how to deal with heartbreak in a better way but I haven't found a better way. I don't bother counting the marks. No- one scar for every time I think of him- if that were true my entire body would be covered, there is no pattern- random makes it look like art. Although I can't bring myself to wear short sleeves anymore- maybe that's okay. I practically live in my grey archery hoodie anyway. And I don't know why I hurt myself- maybe it's a way to make sure I'm still alive, to deal with stress and anxiety or maybe something else. I don't know.
People ask why grey is my favorite color- grey is numbness in the midst of the pain, it does not show up in numbers or letters in my mind, it is calming, the cool grey is like a cold river calming my thoughts and sometimes freezing them or clutching them. I don't know how to describe it-
somehow
it
helps
the
pain
be
a little
less
intense.
drowning.
I'm drowning. Not with water, and not forcfully. I'm drowning myself in words and music to try to numb the pain. It's not working. I can't do it- I can't go on. I'll soon be drowning in my own blood. I'm sorry- I can't do it. It's too much to handle. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I can't go on. I just can't do it anymore. There's no hope left.
I'm drowning in my tears. I'm drowing and I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I don't know why you don't get it- when I say, "I'm fine" or "it's okay, though," I am crying. I am crying out for help but you don't hear. You only hear the mask and don't see the tear-streaks. I'm sorry.
I'm drowning and you don't see it. I'm drowning myself so it doesn't hurt anymore. I listen to music in a volume that I can't hear anything else, I can't hear my own sobs. I drown myself in my words that try to express my feelings but nothing can quite express how I feel. Nothing can ever truly express how I feel.
I don't know how to stop feeling. I don't know how to stop loving you and I'm sorry. You may be the reason for my ultimate downfall. You're so kind and talented and it hurts to see you every day. I always see what we were and what we could never be. All of our plans- gone. The scars that this broken love has caused will haunt me forever. It's like a tattoo that will never go away and that'll haunt me for the rest of my days.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
