I was too young to drive, and I hated to admit it but the thought of driving terrified me. I know most teenagers couldn't wait for that first car, but I was quite content bumming rides from my brother Matt. Of course at 17 he was busy with a part time job and a full time girlfriend. So if I wanted to go very far I hitch hiked.

I had grown to like the thrill of it.

At 15, I had gone from a fat little girl to a well rounded young woman. Getting rides was fairly simple, the guys wanted to stare at me and the women saw a sweet young girl that needed protecting.

It was mid June and the summer was pretty much like every summer before. I spent most of my time horse back riding or swimming in the river. My legs were tan and my shoulders freckled from the constant exposure to the sun. My normally mousey brown hair had bleached out and Matt liked to tease me, that I was becoming a dumb blonde. I kinda liked the joke, I always had the best scores in my grade and would much rather be the " dumb blonde" than the smart fat kid. It sounded sexier. I had dreams of going back to school in the fall and Christian finally noticing me. Little did I know that by the end of this summer I would barely remember he existed.

I had just finished my morning chores, of carrying grain and water, from the river, to the horses. Matt always did the haying, since I could never really get the hang, of using the pitchfork. I had tried several times and after a pretty nasty stab to the top of my constantly bare foot, Matt had agreed that it needed to be his job. He also milked Patty, our cow. She got annoyed at my feeble attempts to draw milk from her teats, and caught me in the shoulder with a quick kick of her hind leg. It didn't really hurt but scared me and I cried til I was relieved of that job too.

I had stopped at the barn, half way up to the house. The night before I thought I heard kittens in the barn. I had been late doing chores and my flashlight batteries were too low to see much. I was sure mamma cat had another batch of kittens in there and I wanted to be the first to find them. I stepped into the dark cool of the barn and left the door open a crack for light. I stood quietly trying to hear the soft meows of the kittens, hoping I had been right about mamma's nest. After a minute or so I heard them. Tiny little cries from behind the bailed hay. I climbed up and over a few bales. The stiffly packed hay was rough against my bare legs, scratching and digging into my knees as leaned over the top bale to look behind. There they were in the back corner, 6 tiny little creatures, crawling up to mamma and bumping each other trying to nurse. By the look of them, their daddy was a yellow cat. Four of the babies were yellow striped, one gray and the last calico like Mamma.

I lay there watching them feed for awhile. I knew not to touch them or even to be too loud, or Mamma kitty would move the nest. I heard Matt and our 10 year old brother, Nick come into the barn. I lay completely still, hoping that I could get a chance to scare them, when I heard Matt say "don't you dare say a word" I held my breath, hoping they would go on and I would have some black mail fodder. I watched as Matt stepped into the tack room and came back out with a paper grocery bag. He took out a pistol, and again warned Nick not to tell anyone. I learned from listening that it was a 38. He took 6 bullets from the bag and showed Nick how to load it, then popped the bullets back out. " It's a revolver, so it doesn't have a safety." He told him as he demonstrated. " So I never leave bullets in it."

He put it back in the bag, wrapped the bag into a small partial, then slipped back in the tack room. Nick was asking when he could shoot it, as they walked out the door and up the steps to the house. I couldn't hear Matts reply.

I climbed down from the pile of bales, went to the tack room and started looking for the gun. I knew he hadn't been in the room long so it couldn't be hidden well. Just then I heard someone coming back so I hurried out of the tack room and latched the door. I tried to sneak out of the barn, but ran right into Matt. Before he could question what I had been doing, I told him jeeringly "I had found the kittens."

I noticed his face relax and he let me show him where the babies were.

I was hoping he would show me the gun too, I didn't like it when I was the one left out. It was usually Nick that was in that position, Matt was my best friend. Or at least he had been. I let the jealousy stew in my gut.

Matt was heading to his job, of carrying out groceries, at Jack &Jill and was dropping Nick off, at the swimming pool. Nick had asked if I was going, but I wasn't in the mood for either of them, so I declined. After they left I walked out to the mailbox and was excited to see a letter from Karen.

Karen and I had always been friends. She was 6 months older than me, so I had literally known her my entire life. Her parents were friends with my parents.They had divorced and moved away a few years before, but her dad always brought her back for visits in the summer. I was hoping the letter was saying they were coming soon. As much as I wanted to tear it open and read it, the gun was still my main interest. I folded the letter and stuffed it in my back pocket. I would read it after I settled the score a little.

I flew down the steps to the barn. There were 43 steps to the bottom, all different shapes, sizes and unevenly spaced. They're so icy and treacherous in the winter months, that we often walked up the hill instead of using them. But now they were fun, a dance, that I knew every movement to. I had been climbing up and down them since before I could stand to walk. 6 medium even cement steps, a 2 stride landing, 6 more even steps, 9 tiny wooden ones, 3 strides of dirt, a sharp turn then 17 steps made from old tires cut in half and packed with dirt. These the best because they give you extra bounce to your step.

Back in the barn, in the tack room it don't take me long to find the brown bag. Matt had it stuffed under the horn on his saddle. I didn't even open the sack, just tucked it down the back of my jean shorts and ran back up the hill. 17, turn, 3, 9, 6, 2, 6 , then into the house quietly, so as not to wake Mom. I Tippy toed straight up to my bedroom and locked the door.

The pistol was a Colt revolver, it was surprisingly heavy for such a little gun. It had a short nickel colored barrel and the bullets went into the round center. It looked like the guns you see cops carry on TV shows. I held it, played with it and did my best Angie Dickinson stance, watching my self in the mirror. I messed around until I figured out how to load it and cock it. I wished Matt had showed it to me, but now I had the upper hand. He would think Nick took it, man he would beat him. I felt a little bad, and was considering putting it back, when Mom called up the stairs " hey is anyone home ?"

"Be right down mom !" I yelled, hid the gun in my underwear drawer and headed down to talk to her.

Mom had just woke up, she worked overnight shift at the hospital. She asked about my brothers, then wondered if I wanted to go to the grocery store with her. I told her sure, I really kinda wanted to stay home, but one on one time with Mom was rare, so I went.

Mom and I always got along well, but I never saw her much. Dad either for that matter, my brothers and I mostly took care of each other. I have an older brother and sister who were both grown and had families of their own. I always kinda felt my parents had been parents for so long that they were just tired of it. Which meant we, bottom 3, were raising ourselves, and getting away with lots of crap!

Mom got groceries and I talked her into getting me a bottle of grape soda. We stopped at the pool and I ran into tell Nick it was time to go. Lana was sitting on the edge of the pool, and called me over. "Hey why aren't ya swimming today?"

I didn't want to tell her that I was pouting, at not being my brothers favourite. I was really starting to think I was being a baby about the whole thing. "Ahh just didn't feel like it." I lied.

"Do you want to go camping with me and mom tomorrow ? She already said it was ok."

Everything was always ok with Lana's mom, Lana was a tad bit spoiled and that worked out well for us. "I will talk to Mom and call you tonight" I told her as I left.

Nick had already ran out to the car and was sitting in the shot gun seat. I started to growl at him, then realised that he probably missed Mom more than I did, he was just a little boy. So I just smiled at him and handed him the last of my soda.

That evening I called. Lana to tell her I could go camping with her. I was to be there by 9 am. I was looking forward to it, we always had a good time together.

After my chores and shower in the morning, I remembered Karen's letter, and ran to find it in the clothes basket. My relief at finding it was short lived. Her letter was pure panic. "Help me! mom is leaving with the boys this weekend. Jim is going to hurt me! He says I am a slut and after this weekend I will be his slut. He is going to rape me! He is so gross! Come get me! I am too afraid to go alone! I am scared to death to stay! Mom won't believe me. I will meet you on the swings at the school at 7 on Friday. Please come!"

I ran and called Lana, she was worried for me, but understood. My family wouldn't worry, they would think I was with her. I would surely be home by Sunday evening. I had 17.35 $ in my piggy bank, lots of money in my mind. It went in it my front jeans pocket. I packed my bag pack and as I went to grab panties I saw the gun. I loaded it and carefully placed it in the front of my pack. I threw on a hoodie as I headed out the door. If I hurried I would be to the highway in 20 minutes.

Today was our company picnic at The Magic Bathtub. Can you picture it , 12 strippers at a Cubs game, with giant foam fingers sitting with an old fat man wearing a dinosaur print shirt?

We're having a great time, when some guy jumps up in front of us, catches a fly ball, and face plants right in my cleavage! Would you believe ? It's Morgan Freeman!

Death you are my secret wish.

You came and took away my heart.

Now I can long only to come to you.

I chose to love life,

but she is an unfaithful love.

She torments me at every turn, for she knows that I must cling to her.

I may not court you openly,

I can only wait patiently for you to notice me.

Life gave me a Love,

who swore to hold me into the gray.

She then turned his eyes to another,

and left my wounded heart to bleed.

Life brought me friends,

to share my trek upon her road.

She handed them the stones,

with which they crushed my battered heart.

Life gave me a son,

his green eyes shone full of her light.

Then she stole him from my arms, and gave him to you, Death.

So now I walk on my journey,

with only the beat left of my heart. For my heart is with you,

it is you Death that I travel to meet.

Was a crazy stormy weekend here in Nebraska. At first I was pretty stoked because this meant instead sitting at softball games all day I could put in some quality time with my recliner. (We love each other deeply and been having a long distant affair for the past year)

That dream was short lived as I spent most of Saturday hunting down and killing the horrific odor coming from my sons room. I will not disgust you with the details of what I found, and it was touch and go for a while, but I came out the victor!

Sunday morning found me out in the yard, in my PJs, in a storm trying to prop up the fence so the wind couldn't do any more damage to it. I came in the house covered with mud and freezing my nips off, and there is my ex standing in the kitchen. Lucky for him, the axe was outside holding up the fence.

After kindly escorting him out, I cleaned up and went on to have a wonderful day writing about his untimely demise.

We ended the day by vacuuming about 50 gallons of water out of the basement. My kids were a great, though less than enthusiastic, bucket brigade. It took much less time than expected, to regain dry ground.

I woke this morning thinking of the colorful May baskets I used to make with the kids. Filled with popcorn and smarties and twizzlers. Then I look out the window to find the ground covered with snow! What the freak?? It's May! Oh well that is Nebraska for ya..... it's suppose to be 80 by Friday.

I love my world. Happy May Day my friends.

I am sorry that you are alive.

We both know that you deserve to die.

You should kill yourself, only you would fuck that up too. You would miss just enough to end up a vegetable. Hooked up to a machine, sucking away all of our savings, on life support. The same way you sucked the life out of me . Drained me of my will to live, as I have had to support you all of these years. You are a soul sucking slug. A parasite. A festering boil on the ass of humanity.

I am sorry you are not dead.

You deserve to be dead.

I would love to do that for you.

If it wouldn't cost me my life and my soul, trust me, you would be dead. Beaten in the head with an axe. Brain matter and blood pooling around you, soaking into the ground, as you lay in the yard. Your dead eyes watching as I dig the hole to bury you.

No wait!

You are not worth that much effort.

Instead I would roll your lifeless, worthless, could never make me cum, lying, ugly body into the sleeping bag from your closet. The one you needed to take the kids camping. It's still new in the bag. Oh ! I am so glad I bought it for you. I will Line the trunk with plastic garbage bags, you know that giant box of leaf bags you bought but never raked up one lousy leaf? Well now they will finally get used. It may be hard to get you in the trunk , but Darling, I will do it just for you.

I know a place for you to "nap"snuggled in your new waterproof sleeping bag, the best most expensive one made.

A nice quiet spot, except when the trains go by every 15 minutes. I will drag your useless, always was useless even when you were breathing, body out there. As soon as one train is gone I will loving, tenderly throw your carcass on the tracks, your head with brain oozing out, can us the rail for a pillow.

I will walk away giggling and listen to the whistle of the train from the car wash.

I am so sorry that this is only a fantasy.

I am sorry you are not dead!

Forget me now

Leave me behind

Tear apart my soul

When your end draws nigh

And you feel unwhole

You will remember me