does not seem very far,
does not sound very far,
even in a city like Los Angeles.
Especially at three in the morning,
when you can safely assume
traffic will be light;
and even on a bicycle -
I was in pretty good shape -
I figured I could be to your place
in fifteen, twenty minutes tops
and told you so over the phone,
telling you to just hold on,
just wait fifteen minutes and I would
be there and we could talk it out,
that I would stay with you until the morning
and then we could go get coffee in
Santa Monica and I would skip work
and spend the day with you, so just
hold on, don't do anything you will
I love you like a brother, I told you,
and just hang on until I get there,
goddammit. But no matter how hard
I rode, and how many cars there actually were
out at three-fifteen a.m. and how many
nearly ran me over, it turns out that
four miles is exactly the distance
from before to after,
from the possible to the irreversible,
from one side of the world
to the other.
From one broken heart to two.
I'm sorry I was never good enough for you,
that try as I might, I could never be the me
that you wanted.
I'm sorry I was never pretty enough,
never smart enough,
never talented enough,
never sexy enough.
I'm sorry you felt like you had to
beat "the dog shit" out of me
on a weekly basis.
I'm sorry your brains are
Roses on your breast
dripping crimson tears of shame
* * * *
I'm sorry you remember so much of that life and forget too much of this one.
soft pale petals
pinky and rosed
with childish feelings
leave like hands
curled around my pinky
and your french kisses
warm velvet hugs
all I have is a rose
with your words
a 2nd-degree burn
I wiggled my way
under your skin
and harvested a spark
I lit match to close
I didn't mean
I was just trying to burn the rose
were gasoline roses
that were meant to burn
I am sorry
it's not that I don't Love you
its just I can't let you step into the fire
and get burned by stepping through
I am sorry ........
I learned from you
no one forced me to say
You pulled me down
from my pedestal
Where I lived like a part of the celestial
Taught me how to be thankful in every single thing I have
Most importantly you taught me be humble.
To admit my mistakes
You broke my pride
One phrase is easier to utter
The other one is the hardest
It tastes bitter on my tongue
So this piece though you may never see
Here's my series of
I'm sorry and
My thank you
For the time you waited for me and I was late
For smiling at me when I finally arrived
for not calling you when I'd be late
For not asking why
For being childish sometimes
For teaching me how to be a child
For losing my temper from time to time
For teaching me how to control it.
I allowed the line between us to be crossed
For not berating me
I shouldn't done it
For not answering that Monday morning call
I did not stopped you from chasing your dreams even when you begged me to.
for pushing you away from me and towards your dream.
For your recklessness and hypocrisy that broke us.
For the happy memories
no I'm not sorry
Even our friendship couldn't be restored anymore
For the sound of each others muffled sobs
That silent night over the phone
I'm sorry it would probably stored in our memories
I couldn't look into your eyes anymore.
That our feelings did not changed after everything
for the way you look at me as if you're asking me to stay and not walk away
for walking away when all I want is to run to you and hug you close
I can't hurt my self anymore
I can see what we both want when we're together
That couldn't be anymore.
to the world for all I have not done
for the people I have made unhappy by my blind belief that I spoke truth
for ends for beginnings
for the fog that would rarely lift from my eyes that made me myopic that made me blind
for putting blinders on on purpose diving into muck to run from life daily daily run from life bury myself in destruction that made explosions everywhere i stepped.
sorry to have preferred love that would burn and become ash over love that might linger, I felt its heat and wanted that. the heat of hate or ruined hearts like mine.
I am sorry that you are alive.
We both know that you deserve to die.
You should kill yourself, only you would fuck that up too. You would miss just enough to end up a vegetable. Hooked up to a machine, sucking away all of our savings, on life support. The same way you sucked the life out of me . Drained me of my will to live, as I have had to support you all of these years. You are a soul sucking slug. A parasite. A festering boil on the ass of humanity.
I am sorry you are not dead.
You deserve to be dead.
I would love to do that for you.
If it wouldn't cost me my life and my soul, trust me, you would be dead. Beaten in the head with an axe. Brain matter and blood pooling around you, soaking into the ground, as you lay in the yard. Your dead eyes watching as I dig the hole to bury you.
You are not worth that much effort.
Instead I would roll your lifeless, worthless, could never make me cum, lying, ugly body into the sleeping bag from your closet. The one you needed to take the kids camping. It's still new in the bag. Oh ! I am so glad I bought it for you. I will Line the trunk with plastic garbage bags, you know that giant box of leaf bags you bought but never raked up one lousy leaf? Well now they will finally get used. It may be hard to get you in the trunk , but Darling, I will do it just for you.
I know a place for you to "nap"snuggled in your new waterproof sleeping bag, the best most expensive one made.
A nice quiet spot, except when the trains go by every 15 minutes. I will drag your useless, always was useless even when you were breathing, body out there. As soon as one train is gone I will loving, tenderly throw your carcass on the tracks, your head with brain oozing out, can us the rail for a pillow.
I will walk away giggling and listen to the whistle of the train from the car wash.
I am so sorry that this is only a fantasy.
I am sorry you are not dead!
How many times did you make me say those words?
How many times did you stop to think what they meant?
How many times did you wish to utter them?
How many times did you throttle me with love, yet made me feel pain in every way?
How many times must I say "I'm sorry" for you to know that I'm not?
I'm sorry my love wasn't strong enough to make the monsters go away.
I'm sorry I made poor life choices that put you in harms way.
I tried to be as good a mother as I possibly could with how I knew.
I thought I could do it better than anyone else could because I loved you.
As I've been reminded time and again I'm not Mother of the year material.
Just because I was too young is no excuse.