Four miles

does not seem very far, 

does not sound very far,

even in a city like Los Angeles.

Especially at three in the morning,

when you can safely assume

traffic will be light;

and even on a bicycle - 

     I was in pretty good shape - 

I figured I could be to your place

in fifteen, twenty minutes tops

and told you so over the phone,

telling you to just hold on, 

just wait fifteen minutes and I would

be there and we could talk it out, 

that I would stay with you until the morning

and then we could go get coffee in

Santa Monica and I would skip work

and spend the day with you, so just

hold on, don't do anything you will

regret.

I love you like a brother, I told you,

and just hang on until I get there,

goddammit. But no matter how hard

I rode, and how many cars there actually were

out at three-fifteen a.m. and how many

nearly ran me over, it turns out that

four miles is exactly the distance

from before to after,

from the possible to the irreversible,

from one side of the world

     to the other. 

From one broken heart to two.

I'm sorry I was never good enough for you,

that try as I might, I could never be the me

that you wanted.

I'm sorry I was never pretty enough,

never smart enough,

never talented enough,

never sexy enough.

I'm sorry you felt like you had to

beat "the dog shit" out of me

on a weekly basis.

I'm sorry your brains are

  now

    splattered

      upon

        the

          floor.

Roses on your breast

dripping crimson tears of shame

thorns apologize.

* * * *

I'm sorry 

Thank you

Two phrases,  

I learned from you

Two phrases 

no one forced me to say

Except you

You pulled me down 

from my pedestal 

Where I lived like a part of the celestial 

Taught me how to be thankful in every single thing I have

Most importantly you taught me be humble.  

To admit my mistakes

My shortcomings. 

You broke my pride

One phrase is easier to utter 

The other one is the hardest 

It tastes bitter on my tongue

So this piece though you may never see 

Here's my series of 

My

I'm sorry and 

My thank you

I'm sorry 

For the time you waited for me and I was late

Thank you 

For smiling at me when I finally arrived

I'm sorry 

for not calling you when I'd be late

Thank you

For not asking why 

I'm sorry 

For being childish sometimes 

Thank you

For teaching me how to be a child

I'm sorry 

For losing my temper from time to time 

Thank you 

For teaching me how to control it.

I'm sorry

I allowed the line between us to be crossed

Thank you

For not berating me 

I'm sorry

I shouldn't done it

I'm sorry 

For not answering that Monday morning call

I'm sorry

I did not stopped you from chasing your dreams even when you begged me to. 

I'm sorry

for pushing you away from me and towards your dream.

I'm sorry 

For your recklessness and hypocrisy that broke us.

For the happy memories 

no I'm not sorry

I'm sorry 

Even our friendship couldn't be restored anymore 

For the sound of each others muffled sobs  

That silent night over the phone

I'm sorry it would probably stored in our memories

I'm sorry

I couldn't look into your eyes anymore. 

I'm sorry 

That our feelings did not changed after everything 

I'm sorry

for the way you look at me as if you're asking me to stay and not walk away

I'm sorry

for walking away when all I want is to run to you and hug you close

I can't hurt my self anymore

I can see what we both want when we're together 

I'm sorry 

That couldn't be anymore.  

I'm sorry

soft pale petals 

innocent 

untouched 

pinky and rosed 

with childish feelings 

leave like hands 

curled around my pinky 

and your french kisses 

warm velvet hugs 

smell 

tickled 

buried feelings 

your thorns 

pricked 

so deep 

in 

my 

rock 

hard 

heart 

bleed out 

your pollen 

awoken 

my 

taste 

for 

you 

my 

lips 

still 

tinge 

with 

of 

dipping 

my nose 

in this 

blooming

rose 

of 

hidden 

desires 

all I have is a rose 

filled 

with your words 

dump

you 

in 

gasoline 

and watch 

it charred

and die 

just 

like us 

tattooed 

with 

a 2nd-degree burn 

I wiggled my way 

under your skin

and harvested a spark 

I lit match to close 

to you 

I didn't mean 

to burn 

I was just trying to burn the rose

were gasoline roses 

so beautiful 

that were meant to burn 

I am sorry 

it's not that I don't Love you 

its just I can't let you step into the fire 

and get burned by stepping through

I am sorry ........

 to the world for all I have not done

for the people I have made unhappy by my blind belief that I spoke truth

for ends for beginnings

from nightmares

for the fog that would rarely lift from my eyes that made me myopic that made me blind

for putting blinders on on purpose diving into muck to run from life daily daily run from life bury myself in destruction that made explosions everywhere i stepped.

sorry to have preferred love that would burn and become ash over love that might linger, I felt its heat and wanted that. the heat of hate or ruined hearts like mine.

How many times did you make me say those words?

How many times did you stop to think what they meant?

How many times did you wish to utter them?

How many times did you throttle me with love, yet made me feel pain in every way?

How many times must I say "I'm sorry" for you to know that I'm not?

I am sorry that you are alive.

We both know that you deserve to die.

You should kill yourself, only you would fuck that up too. You would miss just enough to end up a vegetable. Hooked up to a machine, sucking away all of our savings, on life support. The same way you sucked the life out of me . Drained me of my will to live, as I have had to support you all of these years. You are a soul sucking slug. A parasite. A festering boil on the ass of humanity.

I am sorry you are not dead.

You deserve to be dead.

I would love to do that for you.

If it wouldn't cost me my life and my soul, trust me, you would be dead. Beaten in the head with an axe. Brain matter and blood pooling around you, soaking into the ground, as you lay in the yard. Your dead eyes watching as I dig the hole to bury you.

No wait!

You are not worth that much effort.

Instead I would roll your lifeless, worthless, could never make me cum, lying, ugly body into the sleeping bag from your closet. The one you needed to take the kids camping. It's still new in the bag. Oh ! I am so glad I bought it for you. I will Line the trunk with plastic garbage bags, you know that giant box of leaf bags you bought but never raked up one lousy leaf? Well now they will finally get used. It may be hard to get you in the trunk , but Darling, I will do it just for you.

I know a place for you to "nap"snuggled in your new waterproof sleeping bag, the best most expensive one made.

A nice quiet spot, except when the trains go by every 15 minutes. I will drag your useless, always was useless even when you were breathing, body out there. As soon as one train is gone I will loving, tenderly throw your carcass on the tracks, your head with brain oozing out, can us the rail for a pillow.

I will walk away giggling and listen to the whistle of the train from the car wash.

I am so sorry that this is only a fantasy.

I am sorry you are not dead!

In the face of danger, I said,

I don't care. 

In the face of excitement, I said,

This is so much fun. 

But in the face of sorrow, I never said, 

I'm sorry.