Dear ,

I haven’t spoken that name in years and it still makes my heart stop. The most painful part of my situation is that I don’t think you’ll ever truly realize what or how I feel about you. The thought of sending these thoughts to you absolutely terrifies me and I am filled with regret with every single touch of the keyboard. Every word, every single letter is an embarrassing dramatization of my thoughts and you truly do not deserve to be harassed by the uncontrolled and frankly, inadequate words of one who has rightfully removed himself from your life a long time ago.

But to this day, from the moment I saw you. I have never, never in my life, seen a woman, a human, an entity who has filled me with such awe as your presence. If I happen to so much as catch a glimpse of your face on social media, hear your name, or think of something you said… I’m forced to stop in my tracks and remember that I once held divinity in my arms.

It’s a painful thing to know that you will never reach heaven. It’s far more painful to have held heaven in your grasp and watch yourself push it away.

I will never forgive myself for the last time I held you when I didn’t hold on for a second longer. I will never forgive myself for the last time I talked to you, and I didn’t find any excuse to drag on the conversation for another moment. I will never forgive myself for the last time I looked at your face, and I didn’t soak in every last detail of your beauty.

I’ve known so much pain already in this short life. And none of it was as sharp as the pain of your absence. I’ve known so many terrible people already in my limited experience, and every one of them is far worse when I compare them to you. I’ve been to so many low points in my life it often feels like my life is meant to stay there, but no point has ever been lower than that point at which you left.

But what hurts the most. What keeps me awake at night. What I think about as I ingest those sleeping pills and alcohol in order to access that blessed numbness. What pains me to my soul, every waking moment, and subconscious moment of everyday, is that you have no idea. You have no idea what you mean to me. You have no clue of the spell you put me under. And the curse that has been mine to carry ever since you left. You will never know how I cry for you from the depths of my heart. You will never know how I search for you in my dreams. And we will never know what could have been.

One of the most disturbing trends I've noticed in our society, especially among my generation is a lack of willingness to take responsibility for one's own actions.

In today's day and age it always seems to be someone else's fault. Each president blames the president before them for our nation's problems. A failing company's CEO blames prior leadership for his company's shortcomings. And parents even blame their parents for how they're parenting their own children.

No one seems willing to accept or even acknowledge their own role and responsibility in their current state. It's always someone's else fault. Or even in the rare case in which someone acknowledges a poor decision or a wrongful act. They couldn't help themselves because that's how they were raised or how that's how society has taught them to think.

We love to think of ourselves as "individuals", or "special", or "beautiful in our own ways". Until we do something wrong or stupid and then it's society's fault.

"Social media makes it so hard to be faithful now". "I wish I didn't have my Dad's temper". Or my personal favorite..."But I was drunk..."

Rarely do you hear, "That was completely my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry and I want to do whatever I can to make this right."

To be clear, saying you're sorry doesn't make it right. Even taking responsibility doesn't erase a mistake or right a wrong. But it's a start. It's at least trying to make it right. It's far better than trying to shift the blame and hope it all just disappears and you can move on and feel better about yourself.

Shifting the blame never erases the guilt. It never makes the responsibility go away. Guilt must be faced and dealt with. And responsibility must be sought out and claimed. Because if you don't claim it, no one else will.

The funniest thing I have ever seen a dog do was not a trick he learned or anything else but the most hilarious of coincidences.

My family used to have a black labrador who was a retired Guiding Eyes dog and he was by far the most mellow and gentle labrador I have ever been around. He loved to sidle up to people and lure them closer to his face by wagging his tail and leaning on them until they got close enough for him to saturate their face in drooly and foul-smelling kisses.

One day at my parents' house we were having a BBQ with some friends from church and we were all sitting on our back porch enjoying a warm July evening. I was sitting near my sister and another teenage boy whom my sister had a crush on at the time. As we were sitting there, our loving labrador (his name was Salem) cuddled up next to my sister and began to wag his tail and be absolutely adorable in order to get her attention. Of course it worked and my sister began to pat his head and accept his well-meaning kisses. Since her crush was sitting nearby, my sister was of course making a little bit of a display of the whole thing and demonstrating just how tender and kind she could be to animals.

After one or two kisses, Salem looked at my sister, took a step back, and emptied the contents of his stomach on our back porch. The absolute mortification on my sister's face, accompanied by an apologetic look on Salem's face made both me and my sister's crush fall of the porch from laughing.

Sadly, I don't think my sister ever got a chance to redeem her kissing skills with her crush.

I am only going to offer the philosophy that I witnessed in my father as I was watched him with my mother when I was growing up.

A real man treats every woman like a lady. He treats his lady like a queen. Anything and everything that she could want or need takes priority to anything else that may be occuring in your life. This is not to say that you should neglect yourself or your other responsibilities. Or that you should be her only source of happiness in this life. It simply means that once you've committed to that person. You have to make the decision everyday to make them the most important person in your life. Not because you always want to. Because you won't. But because you made that commitment. Because it's the right thing to do. Because at the end of the day it's the only thing that makes sense.