Built solidly,

Upon a foundation of love,

Nourished with years of compassion,

I quickly grew

My walls expanded,

Until I was no longer so little

My exterior, normal, unassuming,

Hid the flawed interior within

I suffered losses here and there,

Shed the innocence of childhood,

As I viewed the ways of the world

It was what most adolescents go through

It was only the last few years

That wrecked my interior so

Familial issues, stemming from addiction,

Took root

My mind, my heart, my soul

All battered from the ensuing struggle

Days of depression,

Feelings of hopelessness,

A sense of being lost,

With no stars to point home

This temple of mine

Has undoubtedly weathered some,

But just like any sturdy house,

It continues to stand tall

For you,

I carve the curved blade into my flesh,

Twisting it deeper,

Over and over again

For you,

I suffer

Bearing bleeding wounds,

I shamble on

Wearing a facade of normalcy,

Acting as if nothing bothers me

For you,

I do it all

As always,

Too wrapped up in your own little world,

You don't realize

What I go through

All to stay strong

For you

Never do you see

The aged, scabbed scars

Covering me

To you,

It's nothing more

Than a fleeting fever dream

Why?

Why do I do this

All

For you?

When you have time

you want me

you want it

I just

don’t want

you

I love the way it was

so I gotta

I wanna think

you like us too, baby

you are the one that you love

One deity was cursed to adore everything,

Even things others would loathe

Murder, corruption, hate

This deity basked in it all,

For she had no other choice

She was born to accept it all,

Arms wide open in welcome

She was forced

To be a goddess of love

Another deity was made to despise everything

Even things others would adore

Laughter, joy, happiness

This deity couldn’t see the appeal,

For upon her birth,

She was designed to dread it all,

Arms crossed tightly in warning

She was forced

To be a goddess of hate

These two seemingly opposite deities

Shared one defining commonality

After years of stilted words,

Buried emotions,

Repressed thoughts,

Both were dissatisfied

With the lives

They were destined to lead

Empty and numb,

They had no other choice

Than to soldier on

So the two deities reigned

Just as always,

The concept of true happiness

Forever eluding them

Chapter one

She knelt over and stared at the flower. It was perfect in every way, but it would never please her. She was disgusted by it. It’s horrible perfection had made her face scarred with thorns. Roses were evil, she learned four years ago when she was cursed. As a matter of fact, everything on earth was evil. She was not unhappy with the life her curse had given her. The curse had opened her eyes so she could avoid the heartbreak that no one else could. Besides, her lack of compassion made it easy for her to leave behind emotions and rise to power. Even power could not please her, even as she was at a place of such that she could make a new religion and it would be the only one. But Lara J. Everest did not have time for such frivolous things. Her whole life was power and money and greed. The best part was, she liked it that way.

Chapter two

Jackson Hewitt sat in a dingy hotel room that, the night before, had seemed like paradise. The bed he sat in was empty and cold, but last night it was full of people and warmth. He should have learned by now that not everyone is meant to be loved. But he couldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried. He got up and went to his park, his routine every time he felt like crap. He didn’t actually own it, but he was the only one there most days. He pushed open the rusted gate and it groaned with the thousand sorrows of old age. Sorrows that he could relate to. He walked over to his usual spot only to find another. A woman, crouched over his flowers, the white roses that the park had been named for.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” The figure slowly turned around with a scowl and Jackson found himself falling in love. This time he knew his love would not be returned, not even for a night in bed. This woman looked the type that stayed abstinent her whole life, not because of willpower, but because she hated everyone.

“Ma’am?” Her eyes were on him like a spider on a fly. While he remained ignorant of her curse, she knew that he was the one doomed to love everyone. And she was going to use that.

“What do you want?”

“I- I was just wondering if you liked that flower. I always look at it when I’m stressed,” Jackson stuttered.

“Oh.” Her face brightened in false happiness. “Yes, I love the flower. It is so majestic, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said in a rush. “I know, it’s so cool, right?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

**to be continued**

my dear children

the loves of my life

i do not have a lot to give this Christmas

for it has been the toughest year

but i will give you this

my warm arms

to make you feel safe and secure

my strong hands

to make you delicious food

and nurture your little belly's

my loving heart

that sees all of the good in you

my soft words

to reassure you that everything will be alright

i do not have a lot to give this Christmas

but i do give you

all of my

love

I miss him

heartache

I want him

like a brother?

I can't tell

what are these feelings

confusing as hell

when he's not there

overwhelming sadness

when he is

I don't know

how to feel.

These feelings are

confusing,

to say the least

what do they mean?

when I talk to him

butterflies of happiness

when he's away, always

longing

waiting for him

to look

to walk over

in the mask of night

where we meet

under the moonlight

and laugh

and play

and part

once again,

the moon

our only

witness.

-

-

she may be a shooting star

that caught your eye in the night

but she is just a meteorite

causing depressions of craters

that are hard to fight

and i

i am the goddamn sun

and I know it's hard to feel me sometimes

because we are in different times

you rise, I fall

you fall, I rise

but I

i am the goddamn sun

and I will never stop shining

for you in the sky

Something is wrong.

You can't remember, but it haunts you.

You're shaking, inside, heart trembling, torso

Caving in on

itelf.

Normalcy is the only thing you want,

Despite your eyes

flickering around, trying to find the source of this.

This.

Holding your hand in front of your face,

Desparate for something to focus on,

Your fingers flinch away.

Knuckles crack,

and

You watch your own body

betray you,

Because you cannot watch your mind do it.

It searches for an answer to your question, what the fuck is wrong?

And the answer it finds,

Denies,

is

This.

The chemicals overcome any logic,

Seratonin

dopamine

Oxytocin

The mixture equaling something entirely unequal.

This.

Your mind reaches for anything but that realization,

picking fights,

attaches itself to them ferociously,

With him, with friends, with inanimate objects,

You feelings cannot be trusted.

It is your life now.

This.

you pray,

though you're not the type

maybe the meds will be the answer

maybe the shame and

guilt

will soon become

bearable.

And of course you doubt it,

as you always do,

restlessly, listlessly

In the state of mind you live in,

That something is irrevocably,

irreedemably,

wrong.

This.

But you forget, to check your emotion,

as that is the

nature

of the beast.

To feel,

that one thing,

and not think.

The thing that is wrong,

is

This.