I miss you

I know it’s not mutual

I miss you in the mornings and sob during the commute

I miss you when dusk takes over and I see the moon

I miss you in the whirlwind of life and the flickering static of lights at night

And I lie down in bed wondering when the stirring in my chest will cease and feel alright

But why?

There’s nothing to miss so this distance should feel like bliss

No more tiptoeing on egg shells and analyzing what’s amiss

No more unspoken animosities and apologies that always miss

No more what ifs and no more doubts

No more cuts from shattered fragments of trust

And no more constant breaks and rebounds

This is quiet but even then

I miss you still

I hate that I miss you

I really do

Because in spite of everything that has ensued, it feels like I’ll never stop yearning for you

What do I even miss?

I don’t miss my partner

Dating led to distress, distance and disruption

I miss the bashful boy within

My endearing friend who made plans on a whim

The person I was getting to know

The one who dished out witty quips

Even as he stumbled and tripped

Over words, over pebbles, flitting gazes but it really showed

The sincerity you held

The beginnings of friendship

A spark vanquished in the wind

Where did that unfiltered adoration go?

“I didn’t know someone lived here…My apologies.”

“You're drenched. You should come in and dry yourself and maybe rest a bit.”

“N-No…I'd better excuse myself.”

“You can stay the night. That's why you came here in the first place, didn’t you? I live alone, you see…I can totally use some company.”

Hesitatingly, he stepped in. An ice-cold hand grabbed his hand drenched with rainwater.

“It’s dark, so let me lead the way.”

“Why is it so dark?”

“You see, I'm blind. I don’t need light.”

“Does that mean…there is no light in this house at all?”

“No.”

“That's…scary…Maybe I should just go…”

“Stay the night. I'll keep you company so you won't get scared.”

But you are kinda scary yourself, he swallowed those words, not wanting to offend his host.

“Would you like a change of clothes? I wish I could make you a cup of tea to warm you up, but I am incapable of it.”

“Thanks, but I'll only stay until the rain stops. I don’t want to trouble you.”

“Why do you keep insist on leaving? Am I that scary?”

“You might be comfortable living in darkness, but I am not…”

“Are you sure this darkness and my presence is scarier than the world you live in?”

He was stunned.

“H-how do you know?”

“Just a wild guess. Why else would you run to a desolate house in the middle of nowhere in this pouring rain?”

“I-I could've got lost and taken shelter here temporarily! Why are you jumping into conclusion by yourself?”

“Is that the case…My apologies for overthinking, then…”

“But you know what, you're right. Actually…I ran away from home.”

“So I was right.” I actually saw your memories while we were holding hands.

“I have a proposal for you. It’s entirely up to you whether you accept it or not…It's just that I want to help you.”

“What is it?”

“Would you like to stay here with me?”

“W-What?”

“I mean it. Would you like to?”

“We don’t even know each other…”

“Like I told you before…I’d love some company in this darkness. It’s been so many years of being alone, I’ve lost count…”

“Years…?” But why do you sound like someone of my age?

“If you haven’t realized yet…I’m…a…what you call…ghost.”

“EHHHH?!”

He screamed and jumped away from the stranger.

“My apologies if I have startled you.”

“I-I'm leaving…”

“Are you sure about that?”

“I…can’t possibly live in this house with an unknown-years-old ghost in pitch darkness…”

“So…you're going to leave me too,” the stranger mumbled.

“On top of my blindness, I have another condition that doesn’t allow my skin to withstand sunshine.”

“Is that because you're a ghost? Are you…a bloodsucking vampire? Is that why you invited me in, so that you can suck my blood?”

“No,” the stranger chuckled, “I have had that condition since birth. You see, that condition is why I was made to live in this desolate place, away from other humans…”

“That's sad.”

“They called me moonchild because of my condition. They feared me. Like you, many of them thought that I was a vampire. So my family built this house out of nowhere and left me here…”

“Left you?”

“Originally, they took turns staying with me here. That continued until I was eighteen. They were growing tired of it, I guess. So one day they came to this mutual agreement to abandon me.”

“Abandon…?”

“Yes. I couldn’t go outside since I didn’t know the roads and I could've been in an accident…I stayed here and waited…waited…waited…I called but no one answered, I was starving and there was nothing to eat at home…At one point I was desperate enough to attempt to go out but the door was locked from outside…I got so weak that I couldn’t break the door, so I lay there on the floor…in and out of my consciousness…until one day I fell into a long, deep sleep. When I came to, I felt better but my heart wasn’t beating anymore…”

“Stop…I can't listen to it anymore…”

“Sorry. It wasn’t a pleasant story…I knew it but I still rambled on…”

“You…really went through a lot…”

“This is my first time telling this story to anyone. I never had anyone to share this story with….”

“Poor you.”

He had given up on life long ago. The family who adopted him didn’t care enough worry about his disappearance. He had no dream or goal to live for. Being with this unnatural presence in darkness seemed much better to face the shitty world outside. Darkness was scary, but outside world was scarier.

If he could make this stranger happy by keeping him company, why not?

“It'll hurt a bit. I'm really sorry about that,” he felt a cold arm wrapping around his neck in that pitch-black darkness. He closed his eyes and surrendered, but his body wouldn’t. It struggled and fought to keep him alive, to pull him back to the world of living until the very end. Until he became one with the darkness.

“Are you there?”

“I'm here.”

“Welcome to my world. From now on, we'll never be alone, we'll never be in pain. We'll be together, always.”

Let's be Frank...

I was sinking in the tank again,

And it left a venomous perfume...

The stink destroyed, and nearly liquefied my view...

I walked around like a cock-eyed sailor

Who was on extended leave...

The birds pecked at me

To get at any delicious meat that was vulnerable,

And open to the air

'til my clothes were torn and tattered,

And I could not be retrieved

From the gutter of unconscious thought...

The whole wretched thing was beyond belief

As I lay rotting

Upon the drain of some side road,

Along the jagged, nauseating edge...

Where the wind and the cold had left me...

At times like these the dogs must be

Completely certain

Before they feast upon your face...

While one was sniffing at my neck,

Another entertained my seasoned crotch,

As I attempted now to wiggle my big toe

To let them know I still had an inch of fight...

The Motherfucker would not budge!...

Well here I am in a big jam...

The Labrador that's violating the private zone

Below my belly is visually becoming aroused

With my inactivity,

And buries his teeth in me...

Shaking me around like a rag doll,

While a few horrified

Hobos pause in horror

On their way down the walk,

Pushing their belongings along with them...

At long last I am brutally released,

And tossed upon the concrete in a messy pile...

What the fuck's the point to anyone

When we've become invisible to eyes that only see

What the pacified passerby desire to see,

And dimly hear, and deem important to their psyche?...

The invisible cadaver...

The thing that barely has a name...

The broken face who's let himself go...

The girl who sits out in the rain...

You're eyes will never see us...

Though we are made of the same stuff...

The flies are feasting on my skin now...

The cops won't notice on their beat...

They only cruise the richer sides of town...

Their jobs are deceptively simple...

They keep the streets clean surrounding big business,

And swank...

The bars and restaurants, clothing stores...

Where status brings them in the doors...

That's where you'll find

The boys in blue...

And when the dying people do

They're sure to write us in their books...

Let's be Frank...

I was sinking in the tank again,

And it left a venomous perfume...

The stink destroyed, and nearly liquefied my view...

10/22/24

Bunny Villaire

Melancholic haze of fall’s days whispers,

Beckoning like surging waves upon the wind

To create a shadowed veil from depression’s

Already foreboding sensations it sends

Fleeting aspirations, like withered brown leaves,

Drift, scattering across the gardens of my heart

United in deep-seated wistfulness of emotional platitudes

While ceasing never in its quest to thwart

The solitude of long sought after, evasive peace;

Strengthening, it wreaks havoc with all doubt and

Dryness of the soul’s river expands, imitating

The heart’s long starved, thirst driven drought.

With the fall’s ache comes a residual of murmurs,

Mirroring a lack of any impending hope in sight

As winter’s encroaching call, like destiny, creeps in,

Akin to death, reminiscent of a failing plight.

“How I feel autumn's ache.”— Virginia Woolf

Cynthia Calder, 10.12.24