I Wanted to Die
I wanted to die because I was
The foam of the sea,
That sweeps and fills the rims
That was once a part of the ocean,
But crashed underneath the waves and turned into something different,
But still the same.
I wanted to die because I was
The caterpillar,
Filled with exhilaration and excitement
As the day I become a butterfly comes nearer and nearer,
Only to emerge from that sticky cocoon to find that I am a moth
I wanted to die because I was
The ugly duckling,
That really was a duckling.
I wanted to die because I was
A ghost.
Stuck in one place,
Screaming at the top of my lungs and not one soul looks up.
I wanted to die because I was
A procrastination
Constantly shrugging off the real issues,
The real life and real living
I wanted to die because I was
Not even a vibration in the universe
Not even a tiny speck,
Just blank space.
But furthermore, not even that.
I wanted to die because
I was the flower
That swelled up before it even bloomed
I wanted to die because
I didn’t understand anything.
I still don't.
To be or not to be?
To be rude to the man who cut in line
Who stands two feet in front of me
With an arrogant smile
Quite satisfied that he will get there
One minute before me
To be angry at the ignorance
Of the masses who don't know better
Who are willing to nominate a tyrant
Because they are being targeted
By those promising everything
But secretly know nothing
To be devastated by the violence
That is on our tv's
And is created by our dollars
At the movies and the taxes
That we pay
I choose not to be
Not to be the one
Perpetrating such ugliness
To fan the flames of retribution
And pour gasoline on those
So rotten from hate
For being rotten on the inside
Is its own punishment
Even if they won't
Consciously admit it
Wrath decays your heart
And late at night
They have to listen
To the voice that whispers
That their selfish motives
Will be the downfall of mankind
So, I choose not to be
Not to be anything like them
Otherwise I can't
Look my child in the eyes and know
The world I am creating for him
He Was Thinking
He was thinking
That lies came to his lips
Faster than they used to
And he wondered
At what moment
He became this way
He was thinking
That he used to listen
For birds out the window
Try to identify them
By their chirp
Now he only hears
The heater turning on
When he is staring at the wall
He was thinking
That it was all his thinking
That changed him
And he wondered
At what moment
He locked himself away
His smile never seemed
To touch his eyes
And so he went outside
And shut his eyes
And waited
For the next bird
To fly by
Whatever
What a fucking tragedy: Life played out on burnt film, and the slow motion devices of its aphrodisiac depress me. And the endless glaring sun--it is yellowed with nicotine and thick with exhaust, and it follows me. It feels like Burden, and I am wet with guilt. The heated meandering Eye is condescending, and its mood reflects Desire seeping like honey in its scope.
I drove by your house.
Your car was gone,
and I burst into tears.
Last night, the thought of your empty driveway lonesome in the formidable moonlight haunted me. I paced awake, thinking about our paths crossing, and the undeniable lack of reasoning involved.
I question the motive of labeling Good and Evil, and the insatiable need to apply these theories to Everything. On a baseline of "happy," what does Sad really mean?
Shit happens like a solitary piece of tumbleweed lost in the desert. We scratch at the winding dirt roads and we howl with coyote; we hunt for the richest blood until we murder the prey. And when the moment passes removed from our digestion, we are materialized unquenchable.
And again the cycle of undoing spins faster, as we all try desperately to hang on.
Love
I've started to question what that really means
It seems like everyday I fall in love
And every day my heart is broken
Yet I go and fall in love all over again
A never ending process
How can that be love?
How can something so painful be "love"
Over and over again I break into little pieces, falling to the ground in a heap
But over and over I duck tape myself back together and try again
Each time thinking I'll be able to stay together, that this time will be different
Hoping one day I'll find someone who will hold me so tight
That I won't be able to fall apart