A cacophony of shadows, and all I feel is fear. That's because my life has been nothing but a cacophony of shadows. I've never know a single day without the feeling of fear. Like a sinister friend lingering right there, close enough to keep me on edge but just out of sight. Like the bully in the playground. You hesitantly step in look around not seeing the giver of a push, or tripping you as you run by. You don't need to see him to know he's there. Just waiting, waiting for the moment when it looks like you may actually be enjoying yourself. Then wham, your flat on your face, bloody lip scrapped up knees. Laughter from all the other kids. I stay out of the playground, it's to scary a place to play. Now as an adult the bully is bigger and more sinister. Why can't I be free of the nightmarish life I live? Why must I be targeted by every horrid human being to walk the earth? Head down, hands in pockets, don't make eye contact just keep moving. Quick steps, but don't run then they'll know. They'll all know you're the target, the one to get. A drink helps. Takes the edge off, lets me pick up my head and walk the street to the next store. I say I won't have more than just one. Ha who am I kidding one what drink, never. One bottle? What size? The bigger the better I say, fewer trips to the store. It helps that liquid courage. It's short lived though. One, two three drinks four. Then I see them in the corner, over there. Oh lord why must they scurry around like that. The shadows clambering like that for my attention. Go away I yell. Leave me alone! There it is that cold finger up my spine. I scream and turn every light on. Pounding my head on the wall, "just stop."  It grows stronger the strangle hold on my insides. Why can't I be free of this sinister fiend. Another drink, and another, oblivion is what I seek. Annihilation is my desire. Self hatred is the fertilizer that keeps my fear alive and well. On my knees broken and defeated. I surrender, surrender to the fear. Take me I'm yours I whisper. The darkness creeps in over and through me, the cacophony finally silenced the shadows are gone.

A cacophony of shadows,

and all I feel is fear.

Terrorized by the grayness

enveloping my mind

in whorls and jagged edges

without beginning

or end.

For I cannot remember

who I am

or where I belong.

I once

was somebody

of that I am certain

but now

I am drifting

on a sea

of lost memories.

I glance

at my reflection

in the pool

of water

but no one

stares back.

I am invisible

to myself

and to others.

I am insignificant

and have no value

to anyone

that matters.

I struggle to listen

but cannot hear

the dissonance

of fear but

I know it is there

because I can sense

its shadows.

I think my greatest grammar pet peeve probably has to do with dialogue. For example if someone put: "Let's go to the park." He said, I would literally stare at it for a moment as if willing it to change before my eyes. I absolutely hate it when people forget to put a comma instead of a period when it comes to dialogue tags. It just drives me nuts.

The other few things are probably the difference between its and it's, there, their, and they're, and lastly, when people don't put an apostrophe with verb contractions (i.e. don't is spelled dont).

Whether parents want to acknowledge it or not, the world has started teaching their children about sex long before that first sex ed assembly or the dreaded birds and bees discussion. The issue is that little boys and little girls are getting two completely different sides of the coin and this miscommunication can lead to a lot of issues with intimacy and relationships later in life. Most sexual conversations between children and adults focus mainly upon the mechanics and biology of the act. While it is fantastic to know what a fallopian tube is and to understand why our bodies go rogue on us once a month and turn our lady parts into a literal horror show, this and other parts of our internal anatomy will not be big players in our sexual coming of age. I don't know about anyone else, but my uterus did not cross my mind once in my first sexual experience. It didn't cross my mind much after it either, until there was a person growing in there. In fact the internal workings of our productive system is not even remotely sexy or relevant until we plan to start reproducing, the key word being plan which I feel is an entirely different conversation.

There is another part to the conversation that is simply not happening as frequently and I feel that it is a major cause for the discrepancies in the sexual experiences of men and women. It is the why question. There are three reasons people have intercourse; reproduction, love, and pleasure. Reproduction is the reason most birds and bees convos focus on, and depending on whether you are male or female your peers and environment will focus on one other reason. I'm sure you can guess which reason gets overlooked when it comes to young women. While young men are thumbing through the pages of contraband pornography and learning how to effectively conceal the not so occassional traitorous stiffy, young ladies are being spoon fed the promise of everlasting love by way of magic fairy dust, candlelight and Dirty Dancing. Adolescent girls much unlike adolescent boys, rarely even have arousal explained to them. Instead, women are taught to wait for that just right moment, with that just right man, who has that just right feeling for her. In an effort to keep us disease free and our wombs empty, our environment attempts to turn us into Goldilocks. It's all very nice in a storybook but unfortunately real life can rarely accommodate this mentality.

Essentially from the gate women are taught to view sex as an emotional act while men are taught to view it as a physical one. I feel that the effect this infallibly unrealistic expectation has on women as they mature can be emotionally damaging for numerous reasons. While I fully acknowledge the emotional connection that can be found in intimate relationships, I don't believe this kind of emotional maturity is likely in adolescence when most initial sexual interactions occur. We are expecting grown up emotional intelligence in adolescent relationships. It is a set up for failure and I feel that it can also impede a woman's ability to have a healthy sex life as an adult.

Sex is not a dirty word, it is a fact of life. We should empower young girls to understand and embrace their sexuality instead of turning sex into a biology lesson or a John Hughes movie. In any case the truth remains, as parents we decide who our children's teachers are and if it isn't us it will be someone else.

1. WRITERS BLOCK!

2. Hateful People

3. Anxiety & Doubt

4. Editing

5. Do i want this to happen now... or later?

6. Killing a character off.

7. Sticking with any kind of plan.

8. This is going to be a short story! Never happens

9. Fear of judgement

10. Over analyzing if your books is going where you want it to go or if you should change pretty much everything about it, or a part, of this character, should they say it that way? All that fun stuff.

I'm adding this, after posting, because i feel it applies to this whole thing.

11. Forgetting something important you wanted to put in your book.