Where do I begin and end?

My brain has been bouncing around in an uncontrolable ball of squiggly feelings.

Why am I so sad?

Why can't I be happy?

Why does my brain chemistry have to be so much different from everyone else?

I hate the overwhelming feeling that squiggles bring. However, they have become the only and oldest friend I have. I can't remember a time when the tidal wave of thoughts and feelings didn't ravish my emotional body.

Letting everyone down is all I have ever done. I remember my mom telling me my senior year of highschool, after my second suicide attempt that she "would just thank God if I could graduate". Hell, "second suicide attempt" says it all. I couldn't even kill myself correctly. The squiggles make sure to remind me of that.

In a never ending loop of one. Two. Three. Four. After the fourth time I just gave up.

Those moments of clarity that jump rope between my bipolar mind reminds me that I miss them. I never understood why. I guess when you have major depression, and tend to swing that way on the bipolar teeter totter, when those feelings aren't there it makes you nervous.

When my squiggles are gone, I constantly feel like i'm walking on egg shells. waiting for the pin to drop. Things are going too good. something has to go wrong...It has to be one of the most parasitic one sided relationship I have ever been in...

- offer me tea (but bring it, half-steeped with 2% milk—the taste of devastated water)

- show me dark, pregnant clouds with their petrichor breath only to scatter their burgeon

(and leave me in yearning)

- be brave for me and never tell me you’re afraid (I see you, you know)

- throw out a book you think I wouldn’t miss (I know where each one of my books live)

- tell me poetry is worthless in the real world (it’s not; you steaming big pile of shit)

- play Iris by Goo Goo Dolls once (and watch me never fall asleep)

- make me sleep without a blanket (you monster)

- ask me where I’m from (and then not listen)

- make me re-watch Dean tell his mom he hates her but still can’t stop himself for loving

and forgiving her (Supernatural Season 12, Episode 22, 28:21 minutes in, if anyone wants to bawl their eyes out)

- remind me how young I am (because I’ll probably watch everyone I love die first)

- say you want me and then take it back

Hey gang, today is Bad Poetry Day!

So it's time to bust out some crappy rhymes, I so want to play.

Writing a really bad poem, it really isn't so hard.

Maybe I will sing it at pubs, I will be a travelling bard!

Nah, no one will like it, the reception would not be so good.

Is anyone still reading this? Oh thank you reader, I hoped you would!

If you like bad poems and want to read a fictional story I wrote about bad poets, check out the link below.

Yes, a little shameless self-promotion.... I had to go for it, y'know?

*****

The link for the story, which was actually my very first Prose post: https://theprose.com/post/380735/vain-poet

Thanks to Danceinsilence for teaching about the strange holidays that happen every day, including Bad Poetry Day. Check out his article here: https://theprose.com/post/438194/on-this-day-august-18th-strange-holidays

some respect please

for my body

not a woman’s place

to say

what happens

to her

very being

protests in the streets

angry women aren’t pretty

people promoting

violence against

science

some respect please

for whatever I decide

to do

inside

my

body

I am trying to think of more books to read. and If anyone out there has any sort of recomendations I would appreciate it.

For 2021 here is what I've read so far:

1. The Dresden Files

2. the Last Wish

Sword of Destiny

Season of storms

Girl, Wash Your Face

His Dark Materials

A is For Ox

Shadow and Bones Series

Six of Crows

Left Behind

La Llarona: and other tales of the midwest ( if you don't know about La Llarona my Abuela traumatized me with this story as a child)

I need more to read!!!

We were just starting our day in fourth grade. Me and my cousin went to the same school, in the same grade, in the same class. we were watching the "morning announcements" and then all of a sudden they were gone. We heard the crackle of the intercom, and they made an announcement I can't recall now. My then uncle came to pick us up from school. My Grandma grabbed my brothers.

I remember my auntie crying and the news playing on and on and on...

The first tower...

The second tower...

The field...

I remember sitting at the little breakfast bar in her home, with my cousin. We didn't fully understand what was happening but constantly heard the word "attacked". I remember being scared. I remember people scared they were going to attack our capital building.

I remember going back to school, and the xenophobia our best friend faced because her dad was from Iran. I remember a teacher telling her that her dad was a terrorist. And I remember the rest of us not understanding why everyone was treating her so badly.

It's never easy when it comes to loving you.

My heart beats to a rhythm that circulates to my shoe.

I am not a genius nor scientist to know the answers to why

I feel like an astronaut flying in the highest sky.

But I love loving you.

Your resistance does not help,

cause your resistance made me welp,

Its never easy

Holding your hand, whispering in your ear

with the hope of drawing you near.

Showing you some affection,

when we're away our souls are together with no deception,

there are no fears,

it's never easy.

So many times i could look up at the sky

And ask why.

Why why why.

This is one of those times i look down and cry.

Nothing is fair, nothing is how it seems

I’m crying for myself, having to witness your pain

Is that as vain as it sounds? Or am i just mean?

The selfish bitch in me knows you can do better.

I’m here and I’m your helper.

Your servant. Let me show you how to love-

No not in the bedroom, though that needs cleaning up.

Love yourself first by putting yourself in the environment you deserve.

You got this girl.

they think I’m as selfish as it gets

and i haven’t done anything for myself yet.

i'm not afraid of you, i'm terrified.

just. keep yourself occupied.

ill hide - count to thirty-five.

.....

I’m getting started cutting ties with the

things that were keeping me down.

It’s a surprise

all the lies and snakes I’ve found.

I've grown wise.

I’m sorry if it hurts you but that’s

not my interest.

I just don’t know how much longer

we all can do this.

playing pretend is exhausting for me.

dust is seeping from the sides of the rug.

running away is exhausting for you.

your body has had enough.