words hang thick,

indistinct, shadow forms that

merge with coffee steam and

each other, the thing itself

hazy and obscure but

there

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

--Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens, Larry? This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.

--Walter Sobchak

When Donald J. Trump gets hungry he gets hungry, so I stole food outta Barron's drawer that looked kinda like mushrooms but weird, and then some weird stuff happened. Also, this word typing thing won't let me use comic sans. Obama. Sad!

I had the TV on. It's the biggest, most beautiful TV the White House has ever had, you gotta watch a lot of TV to keep an eye on the people so I watch at least 15 hours a day - Obama couldn't watch that much TV - so I had the TV on, and after I ate those things it started to look funny, it looked like it was made out of purer gold than my toilet. And weird stuff started to happen on it, too, I was watching Fake News CNN and they said my campaign to expose voting fraud (massive fraud!) was hurting America (MAGA!) and I said "you're lying sacks of shit who outta get shot," and then Don Lemon said, "this just in, we're lying sacks of shit who outta get shot." They said what I said! CNN said something real!

So I said something else for the media to repeat like they're supposed to when real leaders talk, I said, "Don Lemon has no penis and the China virus is a deep state conspiracy," and then Don Lemon said, "this just in, Don Lemon has no penis and the China virus is a deep state conspiracy." So then I turned up the TV volume and said "FRAUD! Michelle Obama bribed Georgia, Philly poll workers with underage sex slaves!" and they said it! Then I realized I had bumped a button and the channel was on OANN, so that part was actually kinda normal.

And then Roy Moore was in the room! There was this girl clinging to him, wearing a wet t-shirt and a thong. She was young, too, like 15. I'd rate her an 8, so not like a 10 like Melania was before she got those disgusting stretch marks and not like Ivanka, but not bad, you know?

"Don! Great news!" Roy said. "The Supreme Court said that I could be the judge for your voter fraud lawsuit, and they said I could have the 10 Commandments in the courtroom!"

I said a real leader would only need four commandments, and Roy said, "It's OK! Jerry Falwell Jr. and I fixed them!" We were in the Rose Garden then, don't know when thta happened [Obama had mroe typos], and I saw one of the colorless rose bushes Melania put in was burning.

"Donald J. Trump," a voice said. It was my voice! "Donald J. Trump, take these stone tablets and spread my law." And then I was holding these stone tablets. The fire from the bush spread to the White House (why didn't I think of that before? suck it, Biden) and I read the tablets.

1. I AM the Lord your Donald who led you out of diversity; thou shalt stay at no other resort or hotel besides mine.

2. Thou shalt reproduce my name and image everywhere, excepting thou beest Alec Baldwin.

3. Thou shalt keep my Twitter feed holy.

4. Thou shalt honor thy father, and thy mother if she be more than a 6.

5. Thou shalt not kill whites.

6. Grab ’em by the pussy.

7. Thou shalt not steal according to any actionable legal definition.

8. What the hell does “false witness” mean anyway? I mean, who writes this stuff? Sad!

9. Thou shalt not covet thine own wife.

10. Thy neighbor shall pay for thy goods, thy military bases, all international security arrangements, and thy yuge and beautiful wall.

"Roy! They're great!" I said. But was gone. Good guy, Roy Moore. Maybe I'll squeeze in a Presidental Medal of Freedom for him in December, if I have time. Gotta give one to Don Jr., Kim Jong-un, and Ghislaine first.

Then I did something that will always be remembered in all the history books: I shot a 53 at Augusta National! And I bought the place! It started to get a little dark when I was finishing the back 9, so I snapped my fingers and called "more light!" and then Obama was there wearing a red uniform and hat and holding a lantern for me, so I knew I had Made America Great Again.

But I was tired and decided to sleep so I was back in the Lincoln bedroom but it had my picture there instead, and I might have slept a little but then I sat up and there was Adolf Hitler! Dimensions had crossed, and I woke up with Hitler sitting calmly on the edge of my bed, nearly transparent. Unafraid, I sat up and had a conversation with him. I'll write the scene and dialogue.

I said, "Adolf, people say a lot of bad things about me. They say a lot of bad things about you, too, but there were good people on both sides."

Adolf said, "Wer bist du? Du siehst aus wie ein schwaches scheisskopf."

I said, "Eva Braun's not bad, by the way. I'd call her an 8, maybe a 9 on a good day."

Adolf said, "Du hast sehr kleine Hände, orange Mann."

I said, "Your tanks are impressive, by the way. I wanted a parade like you got but they said maybe some other time."

Adolf said, "Ich mag deine seltsamen Haare. Gemeinsam werden wir auf viele russische Prostituierte pinkeln."

Well next thing I knew I woke up and there was Melania, and I said, "I'm really thirsty," and she went to find a maid who could make me a glass of water. I saw she was wearing the robe I got her where she has "DJT" on her back. It's the nicest robe, made with the best silk. She said it was sweet that it had my initials on it. Hope she never looks DJT up on Urban Dictionary and figures it out.

surround me, smoke,

that the curl and hiss

make flesh and the

embers entrails burning

against the night,

for the moon is cold

and the world pale;

blaze me that

more than this glass

will heat my trunk

for man cannot live

on scotch alone

The steps of the guards rang through the hall as they made their way to my cell. I shivered in the cold, wrapping myself up in a thin blanket one of them gave me out of sheer kindness. Their voices echoed.

“Man, this seems so wrong. She’s younger than my daughter. And in deathrow!”

“I know, but it’s our job. She confessed to the murders and so, she is punished for it. Sentenced to death.”

I listened.

“You really think a ten-year-old girl killed seventy-two people?”

“No, but she confessed and all evidence found leads to her.”

“Evidence! There was pictures and her confession! There were never witnesses to testify against her! It’s wrong! She needs to be let free!”

They stopped.

“I know.”

But death will be freedom.

One of the guards, the one who gave me the blanket came into view and smiled at me.

“Hello sweetpea. How are you?

“I’m scared.” I murmur.

He nods and the other guard watches. “I know. What do you want to eat today?”

That’s when I realize, today is the day they kill me. Just like the other inmates warned. They only asked what we wanted to eat before they killed us. Shivers travel throughout my body.

“Crawfish.” I answer finally.

“It’s not crawfish season.”

“Oh.” I think long and hard. I want my last meal to be decent, even though there’s no point in having one. “shrimp alfredo, like a professional one... And those tiny french cookies from thayt American Girl movie... Where she’s in France.”

“Macaroons?”

I nod.

The other guard walks off to go put in my order.

He stares at me, sorrow in his eyes. “Why did you confess to those murders? I know it wasn’t you.”

“It was me.”

“Don’t lie.”

“Those people I killed... They ruined me. Death would be freedom.”

“You are ten! You didn’t kill anyone!”

He doesn’t believe me and I understand why.

“I did. I can tell you exactly how I did. I can tell you what they had in common and who they were.” All were pedophiles. All were elitists. And many, were the reason why I didn’t care whether I lived or died, because I’d once been their victim.

“Then tell me, why did you?” He asked.

“Because, someone needed to avenge the children they harmed, such as myself... But no one else would be their avenging angel. So I was.”

~A few hours later~

They had finally brought me my food. It was warm still... Most likely courtesy of the guards who’d grown fond of me over the past several months.

I began eating, thinking of all my victims. They’d only ever found seventy-two but there were many more than that. Lesser known people who no one would notice if they disappeared.

If reincarnation is real, I hope to come back as a child again, and be the avenging angel again. Kill more; save more. I’d go through deathrow a billion times, just to save my brethren who need me.

“Sir,” I ask, “I want you to know, I don’t regret the murders... I’d do it all over again if I could.”

He nods and says, “I know, little avenging angel, I know.”

And somehow, I know, he’ll find a way to carry out my work, one way, or another.

My fellow Americans - as your emergency Commander in Chief I will do as much as one person possibly can over the next 36 hours to address the most immediate concerns of our country. Every 3 hours I will provide a summarizing tweet on my actions and you can watch live on C-SPAN.

@hypervoter2020 It takes at least an hour just to cram complex policy into 280 characters, so yes - one tweet every 3 hours.

@247grammarnazi Feel free to point out typos as you see necessary.

@sk8trl4d I disagree, I find watching our democratic republic in action riveting entertainment.

HOUR 3: ALL states must adopt & ENFORCE public mask policies or lose Federal relief funds until 90% of the population is vaccinated. The Dept. of Education has guidelines for schools including when they should re-open. Includes emergency funds for school safety protocols.

@maskedhero7 I’m glad you’ve been doing it the whole time, your country thanks you.

@asthmatic53 Please see the CDC taskforce’s weekly announcement on the success & safety of masks as confirmed worldwide and refer to their extensive online guidelines, updated daily as actual science happens.

@influencer99 That is a creative way to wear them, but I would encourage you to follow the CDC guidelines for sanitation as well.

HOUR 6: We are joining COVAX to ensure every country receives vaccines for at least 3% of their population initially, building to 20% of their population as quickly as possible. We are also working with the WHO/Gavi for best practices on testing, tracing protocols, & treatment.

@secretasianman777 Yes, we are very late to this party since COVAX has been operating since April and we’ve already made commitments to vaccine distributors. We are working to ensure equal consideration / funding will be made available to other nations.

@libertarianlibrarian0 We will continue to procure vaccines for Americans; this initiative does not slow this effort, it only contributes to global initiatives as we recognize that vaccine nationalism sets a dangerous tone for global pandemic response.

@flatearther4 No, COVAX is not a Communist vaccination cult. Vaccines are safe. I’m going to link to the CDC’s website again here along with a fifth grade online health textbook, please refer to these.

HOUR 9: Violence from white supremacists now threatens us more than jihadi’s as the key ideology of terror. We have redirected resources accordingly. The Dept.’s of Justice, Homeland Security, & ATF will work to arrest/actively monitor members of right-wing militia groups.

@proudpapa1 Sorry - it’s not “stand by”, it’s “hands up” - but I’m sure our officers will exercise restraint when making their arrests.

@gopordie44 All three dept.’s did look at Antifa and determined it does not pose a significant threat. Months ago. Please go try some new sources of real news and perhaps look up the definition of “false equivalence”.

@floridag8tr Ma’am, thank you, but I don’t need your first born.

HOUR 12: Link to new Federal policing guidelines by reorg. public commission which all states are asked to implement. I asked Congress for Federal funding to states which accept these to help cover costs associated. Per guidelines current police union contracts must be redone.

@leftbrain9 That’s not a very nice thing to say about your elected representatives, now.

@rhonda64 No, this actually provides funding towards police training and oversight - that would be the opposite of “de” funding them.

@acab92 Under the guidelines police unions must be re-organized as “minority” unions allowing dissenting voices within the police to negotiate separately, with all contracts made public for greater oversight by voters. We will empower good cops over bad ones.

HOUR 15: New bill signed for $25 billion to Small Business Administration to directly supply GRANTS - not loans - to small businesses during the pandemic for ANY operational costs, not just PPP. PPP forgiveness guidelines revised.

@teapartyfor2 The newly suggested bill taxing the $14 - 24 billion in fees banks made administering PPP loans should help cover the costs of this program.

@frequentflier12 I will veto further bailout bills until Congress revises them so a greater % of funds (preferably 100) come from low interest, repayable loans. Grants shouldn’t be a first resort - we’ve kept interest rates low, big business can afford to pay them. Small ones shouldn’t have to.

@minibookmonger I know the SBA isn’t perfect, but at least they’re not Wells Fargo.

@247grammarnazi I’m sorry my participle was dangling.

HOUR 18: All court cases against the Affordable Care Act are now dropped. We are backing a new bill in Congress to expand Medicare/Medicaid coverage for all Americans, particularly those who have lost healthcare coverage due to COVID. Includes free COVID care for all, no co-pays.

@nursejoy22 Yes, healthcare worker additional compensation and tax breaks are included - you deserve it.

@roy28dare No, we are not dismantling private health insurance at this time. We’re simply extending public health care options for those without access to affordable private plans.

@europeanlights9 I know we are the only developed country without universal healthcare but we’re also one of the only developed countries whose educational funding is based on property taxes/geographical wealth - so we’re a little slow.

HOUR 21: We stopped all actions against TikTok. I don’t know why this merits a tweet, I was told people cared. We do not set precedent for government-levied takeover of foreign companies - we actually complained about that a while back, we are not opening that Pandora’s box.

@gimmegimmedance OK that was a bigger reaction than the healthcare tweet, I admit I’m a little disappointed.

@capitafist3 Honestly the world’s second largest economy right now is Socialist, so I feel free market Capitalism is already whacked.

@flatearther4 No, TikTok is not hijacking your phone to film you while you sleep. Honestly if the Chinese wanted your data they could get it so many other ways, there’s a cyber attack est. every 39 seconds. Sorry if I just made things worse.

HOUR 24: The FCC has re-enacted net neutrality, if you didn’t notice it was gone.

@wifi51 Well, at least you noticed, thanks for the support.

HOUR 27: We have rejoined the Paris Accord and committed to reducing our carbon emissions as a country by 35% by 2035. We’ll be making up lost time by reestablishing environmental policies removed by the prior administration as well as incentivizing states to adopt clean energy.

@coalminer49er Part of our incentives packages will include retraining funds for states with dislocated workers, helping them find new jobs in clean energy initiatives.

@misspiggy6 No, we are not banning hamburgers, we’re investing in methane capture technologies which will provide farmers grants towards converting their pastures into energy-producing side gigs.

@247grammarnazi Could I get some help in here?

HOUR 30: I proposed a new tax code which establishes a fixed, progressive Fed income tax rate for all Americans. The IRS will auto file your taxes for you with info already collected, and a postcard will be mailed to you to simply verify all info as correct. Just sign & return.

@hipRgranny I couldn’t honestly tell you why we haven’t done this already.

@accountantjim3 I’m sorry, but really - do you enjoy preparing taxes? I can ask for an addendum to provide retraining funds similar to the clean energy initiatives if you feel you need extra work. The IRS is hiring.

@menlennial69 How did you even claim that as a tax deduction to begin with? I don’t think you’re helping your case here.

HOUR 33: Our new budget increases K-12 education funding 150%, aimed mainly at low income schools. Tuition at state colleges receiving Fed funds must be capped, & college waivers made available to low-opportunity students as well as in grads in demand careers like healthcare.

@sassyteach84 Low income schools will be identified as those with disproportionate funding due to lower property taxes or other income in their area, and Fed funding will make up the gap. New teacher training initiatives are also re-established after being cut by the previous administration.

@steelydam2 I’m pretty sure simply reading the responses to this tweet explains why investing in education is so necessary.

@billyis5 No, we will not pay robots to do your homework for you.

HOUR 36: 36 hours ago I invoked the DPA to force tech companies to create a secure way to vote online. Backed by testing/oversight of the FBI & Pentagon every American will be sent login instructions. You can view & track your vote, which will be printed at your election office.

@patriotpam63 Further details will be sent to your address of record for your voter registration, either by mail, email, or over the phone. State election officials will ensure every registered voter acknowledges these instructions.

@ballotboxer4 Local polls will be opened for online access to those who need it. The printed copy will be made available for review upon request after submission.

@datguy42 No, I am not on the ballot. There is no way I would lead you people - you vote like it’s American Idol & one celeb can fix all your problems while you ignore the 435 other elected idiots who make our laws. +You’re too busy to research & have truly informed opinions. POTUS out!

Before I die, I always dreamt of skydiving. Yet, minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to years—I still never get around pursuing that one desire I thought could complete me as a whole. Now, I’m a balding middle-aged man with grey hair and wrinkled face, who has spent his entire life shying away from everything, buried in the pitiful piles of life’s rubbish dramas, suddenly I wake up to find out my last breath won’t last more than an hour; if I had committed a fraction of a second and tried it, at least that adventure could spice the quiet story of my life, a small legacy worth mentioning in my eulogy, something I could leave behind to be remembered by. Sadly, the dark day we all fear is here now, leering into my weary eyes on the eleventh hour, the final flight for departure. Before I give in to the inevitable nightfall, today, on this eleventh hour, I’m going to live freely, free-falling from the sky.

The end is quickly closing on me, and that is quite unfortunate. I feel like I am dancing between a shark’s jaws. I am not scared of death, only dying without any purpose; that my friend is such a miserable and terrible feeling any person should ever feel on their last day on earth. When I die, I want to smile not cry; I already cried the day I came to this world. The tears I shed then should bathe all the fears that lie beyond.

Now, I am going to pack the one gear at my disposal, my courage. I am going to touch the shooting stars and glistening moon, and then jump off from the vast open sky. By the time I hit the ground, I won’t feel any pain, but I can at least say that I fulfilled my dream. When the sinister knight comes riding a horse, dressed in a white wardrobe, holding a razor-sharp sword, I will meet it clinging to my happy sword tightly, smiling fearlessly before I lay down my head on the dirty.

For realizing my fantasy, I can let my heart pulsate. Finally, I will take a deep breath and let go of everything, inhaling the breezy Autumn air, as I close my eyes before the darkness turns off the lights forever, whispering “Goodnight, and sleep tight,” into my deaf ears.

Delicate blue eyes for you to lose yourself in.

Skin so soft it feels like a lamb’s.

A laugh that sounds like your grandmother’s

Or a celebrity’s – the choice is yours.

Don’t worry about deafness or Down’s Syndrome or Neuroblastoma.

The offending genes have been delicately removed

And replaced with strong bones and thick hair.

You baby will grow to approximately 6 feet 2 inches

And will be exceptionally receptive to STEM education.

You can have a ballerina or a track star too.

Or why not both?

Designed in a lab and grown in a womb designed in another lab,

Your child will be well-cared for, stimulated, nourished, and soothed.

With 24/7 webcam access and a variety of pre-birth photo packages available

You will be there every step of the way.

Our new app allows your phone to vibrate when the baby kicks.

And with our premium package,

Your baby’s heartbeat can be your ringtone.

It will take its first breath in the arms of our innovative nursing staff

Now outfitted with Simuskin to give your baby the feeling of warmth

And thoroughly sanitized to protect little lives.

24/7 webcam access and a variety of post-birth packages will be also be available.

Our social media concierge will document your first days as parents

To ensure the world shares your joy in the most aesthetically pleasing way possible.

You may not be perfect, but your child will be.

It will be a math whiz and an athlete and have perfect vision.

It will have pollution resistant skin and lungs that can withstand the vacuum of space.

You child will be a top-tier candidate for one of the colony ships.

No mining job for your little bundle of joy.

We will give your child the future you can’t give them on earth

But only if you call now.

Financing is available.

Operators are standing by.

It seems we have a failure to inseminate logic.

Today, Republicans and Democrats joined together for a Congresssional lunch provided by none other than the United States of America, or more commonly known as its citizens.

During this lunch, several Senators were undecided in their views on how beautiful the table settings were, and how crisp the salad lettuce was.

There was some talk by Mitch McConnell on the new stimulus bill but basically he was hard to understand while shoving half a brisket into his mouth.

Nancy Pelosi, although an advocate for the stimulus bill, complained that her cheese soup was too thick and asked for chedder but received american chees soup instead. Soup, during functions like this is all she will eat as at any other time she has difficulty keeping her false teeth in.

Ted Cruz was all laughs as he joked with another Senator about how bad things were in Texas with the virus. He was overheard saying, “Things are pretty bad there. Lucky for me I’m in D.C. After all this is the safest place in the country according to the president, and I believe him.”

Speeches were given, applause was loud and one house member puked on his shoes. Garlic was in his food and he’s allergic.

Matt Gaetz from Florida wasn’t even supposed to be there but he gained traction from Senators for getting away with having marijuana in his car a few years ago and bought his way out of jail time and getting elected to office. They say one day he might be president.

Jim Jordan, as usual, arrived without a suit coat and when asked why he never wore one he responded, “I never buy a full suit, it costs too much. Now excuse me, I have to find someone to yell at.”

Susan Collins was having a difficult time sipping her iced-coffee. The cup would shake in her hands from her nervous condition until finally she turned to Senator McCarthy and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have a big, long thick straw, I could suck on, would you?”

All in all, it was a splendid affair and when they all left, McConell was asked if Congress could pass the next stimulus package before they went on vacation in August.

His response, “You have to be kidding me. Pass it? Not on my watch. That will interfer with the stuff that matters like baseball and football, and maybe ping-pong.”

And that ended any political talk for the rest of the day.

A passer-by outside the White House had a comment, however, what he said cannot be put into print. You will just have to fantasize what he said.

So America, it is time to wake up and smell the dirty laundry. Which Senators and Representatives are still wearing underwear from 1981? If you guess incorrectly, then that person will be re-elected. Simple as that.

Go to the polls and guess who.

That’s the only hope we have left.

“Hurry, before you miss the show!” Flagnor was patiently taking her time moving all ten of her tentacles over to the jumbo monitor. We have been absolutely obsessed with this planet ever since we’ve transited the Milky Way Galaxy. See, I thought Pluto was weird, but Earth? Is a fucking shit show.

“Ragnar, what are they doing now?” said Flagnor, loudly feasting on what the planet calls, “Bananas.” We managed to harvest them admidst the catastrophes. The people of the tropical regions were very happy to see us—they did so much screaming and fainting. They loved us so much, we even made headlines across their planet. We’re actually pretty popular down there.

“Well, so far the murder hornets that our cousins have sent down, made every human on this planet lose their fucking minds...and they’ve only sent 10!” Flagnor laughed so hard bananas ejected from all three of her ear cavities. The humans of Earth are very dramatic and animated. Everything has to be overtly exaggerated. Apparently the world leaders of this planet do this in hopes of controlling & instilling fear into their minions. Some of our alien relatives play devil’s advocate and help them out from time to time...or make things much worse for our entertainment.

“The celebrities are still having a good time pretending this virus doesn’t exist, and the more freightened humans have resulted to wearing gloves everywhere that they go.” I said.

“WHAT’S THE POINT IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO FUCKING TOUCH EVERYTHING WITH THE GLOVES?!” Shouted Grexla from her Pod. She loves to watch this planet too.

“That’s exactly what I said! And now they’ve got this hideous orange man running the country into the ground. He has done absolutely nothing but make idiotic statements his whole presidency!” said Flagnor.

“Has anyone decided when he will...you know?” Said Grexla, hinting at the one thing that’s on nearly every human’s mind.

“No. Not yet. We’re still waiting for people to react to our rumors of him being from the future though. And a human named Kanye has recently made claims of running for president in the next election.” I said.

“The one who made shutter shades a thing?” Flagnor asked.

“Exactly,” I sigh.

Tomorrow, we’ll see what goes on with this business about this OnlyFans. We don’t know if it’s an outlet for porn, or if it’s a website for the battery-powered machines that produce their own winds. We will make it our business to find out.