I dont deserve you

Im just too plain

you say you need nothing else

I say your name.

I dont deserve you

im just too simple.

while someone else can make you special

you'll just throw me away.

Yes these thoughts of mine

seem like theyre too harsh

but not for me

I deserve no pity.

Ive been overthinking for more than a day

Thats my highest record

and it seems like I cant stop for now

death just seems to beckon.

I dont deserve love

I deserve to be forgotten

Im used to that

its better than feeling something.

Half present

Close minded

Closests are open

but I cant find it.

My hoodie from yesterday

the one I spilled my beer on

to cover up the night before.

Wont promise

not anymore.

it hurts too much

knowing I might break it.

Wont tell you

Wont call you

Wont talk to you

if I dont need to

Somebody out there.

Please change my mind.

Before I start using my senses

to waste my time.

Let me tell you honestly

Im starting to hate hugs

But right now I really need one

please give me your love.

Was I born to love somebody? Or as the common question asks: is there such a thing as soulmates?

See the thing is, I’m a bit of a shapeshifter. I change form and mind constantly. Right now it feels like summer in my head, a bit of hope through the blinds and a kiss goodnight. I shape to unhealthy habits and become somebody I don’t know in the slightest, somebody happier than me. Somebody that is not me. Winter seems cold no matter where I am, I miss the moon during the warm day and the sun during the cold night. I get that you read a mess, that’s probably because I am. Word on the street is I have everything figured out. I’m fortitude through a storm. But I see these dark days where I don’t hide and the sun refuses to hit my face. I have bright days that make me dizzy and I hide in a bathroom stall with my hands on the door hiding from the lights. Most days I carry an umbrella, just in case. The days where I decide to leave it home, the skies open to tell me that I’m wrong, about everything I know. My life seems like a battle between my mind and what seems to be pure nature around me.

So I walk the days with an armor around me. I build my walls so high and my mind becomes so clouded. Because I don’t want to hear it. Because after all, what does it matter when people try to get knives out of your back? Because after all, what they want is to take their knife back and forget they ever carved the scars you carry around.

I hear I’m perfect and I see the answers so clearly, staring back at me. Does he know the scars in me? My past and my future collide in a single thought. Does anyone truly know me? The marks in my knuckles after an overwhelming day and the way I cry before I sleep. I think these are basic questions when deciding to take a step, because there might be a cliff or just the shore.That’s the problem I find. The stretch marks I’ve been carrying and the cuts I decided to carve out have more meaning to me than the things I hear. My mind glitches for a second and for just that second I think it doesn’t matter to them, it really doesn’t. But am I willing to find out?

So I resolve to not crave for the second my feet touch the water, because I am not willing to drown.

After all we are our own soulmates. Constantly loving ourselves even when we don’t understand, getting us through the rough nights. Maybe I was born to love myself and catching up with the pace of my own head, because there are so many voices I can’t ignore. To heal me of the migraines and the dark days. I read forty year olds that are still working on finding who they are and maybe we are all like this.

The estimated time I will live is sixty five years and it doesn’t seem enough. Between nature bringing the storms and the sunshine, is there really time to know who you are?

Because that’s all love is, constantly walking together and figuring it out, because my raw goal in life is to be completely happy with myself, with my glitches and tantrums. Wouldn’t it be too much to ask someone to do that for you? To love all of you unconditionally?

I believe I need two lives to figure this out, loving someone else. Is true love merely a reflection of what you would like to feel for yourself? Because if you don’t feel this towards yourself, could you really be able to stand anybody else, completely?

If the answer is no, like it is for me. What does that leave you with? Because my theory is flawed but I can’t fight the evidence. Does this mean my parents, and for that matter, your parents don’t really know each other?

Do we really live enough to answer each of these questions?

I wish I could hold your hands

but I cant even understand myself

are we more than just...

We dont speak alot but I

think words dont mean that much

but still I wish you would reply

to me one day.

If I could tell what the difference

of being friends and lovers meant

maybe then I could ask you out

If I could tell what was different

everytime you say

can we come hang out?

Maybe then I'll feel something in the end

maybe I wont have to treat you just a friend

maybe then I wont, overthink too much.

Kiss my cheeks goodbye everytime you leave

see through all my lies, but still you ignore it in the end

are we more than just friends?

should you answer that?

We danced around the camera, timer ticking

laughter filling both you and I

showered ourselves with love, happiness

kissed our worries away

feel hearts beating

timer ticking

pause.

You had a hard life, had two kids

your husband has another wife.

I had a great life

lived behind locked doors

no parents in sight

Didnt think that it was hard

to drown in alchohol

but I dont think that if I were drunk

I'd lose some control since

I've lived a life worth a loaded die

I cant get the one, always lands on 5

5 mistakes they made me done my time

One, hadnt had a pick me up

given up on giving up but im

sick of all the shit ive just been breathing

my life is just too toxic, but I keep on living

Two, I've had enough

thought of hanging from above

to leave a note, send it to no one I love

cause no one had even loved me back.

Three I just wish i'd gone

hadnt had a coffee, but I cant sleep till dawn

my eyes are wide open, staring at

the corner of my room, where a twelve meter

death of me is curled up across the room

Four, Ive been here before

all these thoughts banging on the door

of my head, wish i'd gone, wish I stayed

wish I was lying, wish i'd be dead but

Five, Im too petrified of being left behind

Sometimes being tired doesnt mean you should stop

remember moments of when you woke up

that feeling wont escape your eyes

why?

maybe because you dont have to cry

sometimes we all feel like the need to die

disappear into empty voids of time

leave behind everything and everyone who never held us dear

but who said that those people never held us dear?

who said that those things we touched never pulled us near?

Disappear, we all want to fade away leaving blank canvases behind

but trust me ,time doesnt heal'

and if you fade, you'd be leaving a hole through it's side.

because time is a canvas ,one that you paint yourself

and each and every moment of your life is a color on it's shelf

you are the artist of a story told to many others before you

you're parents drew you into reality, and they adore you

so do your friends- were family, maybe not related by blood

maybe time doesnt move back, but if anyone then you could

step back from that ledge that takes all misery into play

remember moments of laughter and times when friends and you had played

the game of life is not one that holds your hand's and guides the way

I dont have much to give, but atleast if you let me say "Not today"

I know you're tired, walking long roads do just the same

but sometimes being tired means that at the end all prices are payed in full

that is life, we all tear ourselves apart

you're life is the artist, and life is your peice of art.

Took me in, but I feel estranged

Like the life I lived before

was not the same

I picked too many people up

now I cant stand on my own

I might have never even belonged

and I trusted

I trusted what little thoughts I had of them

Because I was happy

but now that happiness is gone

I know who's by my side

I stare at the pitch black corner,

My protruding shoulder blades

Facing the door that only

Opens when it's forced to feed me,

But food will not quench my

Undying knowledge. They're out to

Get me; they're trying to kill me.

They're watching me. The FBI,

NSA, the drones in the sky. The doctors

Say they're protecting me from my own

Mind, but I know the food they're

Trying to feed me is poisoned, so I don't

Eat. Each day, my bones become sharper

And the scars on my skin become

Deeper. I know this is a trick. If I eat,

I will die. I need to stay strong. The voices

In my head are the only ones that care

Whether or not I live. They have always

Been there for me. I cannot desert them.

My body may be withering and slipping

Away from my own grasp, but the voices

Still boom and yell for my protection.

They still treat me like I'm human even

When the world thinks I'm crazy.